Jun. 30th, 2009

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
http://l4r.blogspot.com
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Aug. 18th, 2008, Monday, 163

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams

I Am Homeless

There Is Twist To My Current Story

There is more to my story. I need to tell you about this. I am not sure if I can tell you everything. I am still trying to figure this all out. I am not even exactly sure what is going on. You already know that I blew it. My friend gave me the opportunity to do ministry in California. I burnt down that bridge, that door, that chance. I made a bunch of mistakes. My bad. I understand that all this is my fault and all. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that I have been being a fool. Correct my bad grammar. I understand. I should of known better. But there is a twist to the story. And that is, I was innocent.

I am innocent.

My friend made the offer about seven months ago, in February. 'If you continue messing up then you will not get to go to California.' I should of known better. I was too innocent. I stopped listening. No way. I always listen. I try to listen, honest to my God. I mean, I do. I do not know what happened. Several times, I was late to meetings. My bad. No excuse. And I do not even try to defend myself. I mean, the older I get, the less I defend myself. I would be late. But I am so innocent in doing so.

One Tuesday, I was making my way back home for Bible Study, in Hawaii. I was out there socializing with the youth and homeless. I quickly hopped on a bus. I was told that most of the buses, in Honolulu, would transfer to Ala Moana Transit Center. I got lost. I had to get on several buses. And I got lost several times while in Hawaii. I should have knew better. I should of asked for direction. But I thought knew where was going.

And there are also a lot of other problems, too. I am learning to become more dependable, honest, consistent, reliable, trustworthy, caring, and all, now, but it seems to be too late now. I find it hard to apologize to my friends. I get distracted. I try to do too many things. I love people and all. I want to make a difference. But I let too many things stop me from reaching out like my Uncle Jimmy Williams, who has passed away. I have officially reached rock bottom at this point in my life. If you are reading this then you must know that I am very heart broken right now. I even called a girl ugly. And I feel that I cannot forgive myself from it. Especially since I started liking her and everything. And I am just broken in so many ways. And I will admit this. I would rather not let people see my heart full of these wounds. But I am hurting. And I feel like an idiot. Just a dork with broken glasses. I have had broken glasses for the past fourteen months, about. People still giggle, 'You need new glasses.' No duh, but I am unable. I have more important things to worry about, like where am I going to rest my head. I feel hurt by what people say. And I started thinking about suicide. But my older sister has been talking to me this weekend. And God has been whispering to me. And there are a lot of other people too, that have been daring me to get past this hole. My Hawaiian friend has inspired me to be strong. And I seem to have this support from others. Still, I messed up. Yet, the twist, of this story, makes this story worth contemplating. That is what I tell you. If you do not think about the twist to this story: then the story will twist you to make an unworthy conclusion. You need to know that I feel betrayed.

I feel betrayed!

I cannot tell you that I was betrayed by my friend in California, or by anybody. I have decided that I do not believe that I was betrayed or tricked. My friends do care about me. And they have made decisions. I am not sure if they made the best decisions. But they made logical decisions. I understand. And I forgive them. And I find it easier to forgive them all than to forgive myself. Now, I am being told not to beat myself up. I am forgiving myself. I am healing and all. But still, I feel betrayed. I understand what happened. I understand how I blew it, now. But it is too late now. I did not know all this before. I was officially told last Wednesday, August 13, 2008, I think, the same day that my uncle died. I mean, I was at a Bible retreat, during the third to the last day, when they told me. It should not have been the end of the world. I should of had a backup plan!

Why did I did not have a backup plan?

Because I was told not to. You can tell me if you think I should of knew better. But you need to know this. I was told that I would go to California. Obviously, I should of known that I was disqualifying myself from it. But I did not think that I could disqualify myself from it. Every time I messed up, I prayed that I would not do it again, but it kept happening. Nobody can trust a maniac like me, you can think. I should of had a backup plan, a plan b, you know. But I was scared. I would call my friend, write to my friend, and all. I told him that I was not sure if I was suppose to take his offer and go to California. He would then wonder why I would say such things or something. I was not exactly sure but I was pondering backup plans. But somehow, I was definite that I would go to California. Therefore, I had no backup plan. I mean, I was going to get some backup plans, and I almost got some, but my friend seem to take that as my way of saying 'I'm not committed, I do not want to do ministry in Long Beach, California, I am not even sure if I am your friend, or I am not ready yet for all of this or whatever.' It would seem that I was saying that.

I called him, once, stating that I was going to mess up more, and my friend told me how that is normal. Somehow, I fell in a trance, almost. He has desired to be that friend to the end, a mentor, a guide, and all. And I started believing all that. I mean, he was serious. He was not lying. But it almost seem like that. It seem too good to be true. And yet, I ended up disqualifying myself, somehow. And I have good reasons or excuses to all of this, and I could tell you more. And I want to tell you more. And I am still trying to figure out all of this. And I am trying to learn from all this and get past all this. And I want to get better. And I am trying to get better. And I am praying about all that and all. And I am still not sure exactly how I ended up in this hole. How can I be in this hole?

Why was I this vulnerable?

Why was I too busy? Why did I even go to Revolution Hawaii? Oh wait, that is a bad question. I needed Revolution Hawaii. I am not being sarcastic, ok. But at the same time, I wish that all this was not so hard. I have cried more in this past year then in my whole life. I have cried more in the last seven days then I have cried in my whole entire life, I think. And I have been spiritually growing more, during the last year, than ever before. But I still wonder. And can I trust people, now? I mean, I can if I follow through with my part of the deal, I suppose. But still, I wonder why I was incapable of understanding what my part of the deal was. And why did I not have backup plans? But I actually wanted some backup plans. I mean, I should of just told him that. I could of fixed this mess, too. Beyond that, I would not need backup plans if I did not disqualify myself from the first plan. But I have made myself to be untrustworthy, undependable, unreliable, and all that kind of faulty attributes.

I have ruined my life!

This weekend, during this reunion (and my uncle's funeral), I have felt so much pain. I have been encouraged, too, by family. But it gets worse. My grandmother, Skip, started teasing me about all this. She would tell me, "Joey, what are you going to do." I would calmly and sadly tell her nothing. "You should of planned ahead." I know that, I affirmed. "I do not understand you," she sighed and lightly laughed. My grandfather, age 81, seem unaware of my distress and hugged me goodbye, stating that "It is hard to keep track of you" because you never know what state I will be in next (the state of homelessness? Maybe). My grandmother just walked off without hugging me. I got really mad. She did wave goodbye. But these grandparents have never really seen us, hate my mom, and so much more. Yikes. maybe you don't understand. But at the same time, I did not want to be at the reunion. I felt like a fool at the reunion. I felt like I was so foolish for not having a plan. In other words, I planned to failed.

Get past those plans of failures!

My sister, Katie, told me to have perspective, to realize that there is a plan, there is a hope, and all. I know, I think. But at the same time, I am not sure if this was destiny. I guess I was suppose to be here, completely empty, like never before. But at the same time, I cannot even imagine what I have missed out on. I was dreaming of California. I mean, I wanted to go really badly. But I burnt those bridges. And worse off then that, I am telling the whole world about this. I feel like I am blackmailing myself right now. I cannot believe that I would let anybody know about all this. I would rather let you know that I am perfect or close to it. I mean, I do not want to deceive you or anything. But I want you to trust me and use me. And I was praying and crying during the last twelve days or so. I have been praying and tearing out prayers of urgency. I was praying, "God, make me depend on you more, empty me, give me a fire for you like nothing else, I want to live for you, and nobody else, I want to all this to count, I do not want to mess up any more, I do not want to hurt people any more!"

That was on my mind on Wednesday, August 13, 2008!

I was crying, that Wednesday, for my uncle, for disqualifying myself from doing ministry in California, but I was also crying for dependency. I am wanting doors to open like never before. And I am sick and tired of mediocrity. I am not going to be homeless. I am not going to let my life be ruined because of poor choices. I mean, it seems like I ruined my life. I often feel that way. I feel like people cannot take me serious or whatever. I feel like I have done much evil (even through, I am innocent). But I will fight, I will go and seek to be a hero to others!

Keep fighting with the fire of Jesus!
Reach out to others with the spirit of heroes!

Joseph Scott Arnold
503-367-4695
http://l4r.blogspot.com

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Jul. 29th, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Wilderness: Third Camp Week
Wilderness Camp is an effective Salvation Army's Camp Kuratli extension [so that campers between ages twelve and sixteen can attend camp that is separate from the younger aged campers] because it dares them to look at life through different eyes, to love through action, to trust in the hope over dope, to have joy over toil, to smile over mile. This third camp was my favorite, so far. It seems like its working.

Every week is challenging, fun, and ever worth it but last week had amazing campers who have much potential. My favorite was Shelby, then Grace, then the taller Brandon Smith because they taught me about how to express joy and life in a very practical way. Thank you, my best friends. Shelby would always say, "best friend" and I learn so much from her words and life. The first week of camp had many fun characters, the second week had many real rough draft people, but the third week was worth it. I love life more now. I love the things I learn. I have been struggling with how I look at life but I am learning that I need to express more life. I have also learned that the camp really does make a difference because I often doubt that. I often wonder if camp does anything to the campers. I sit and cry. I think. I wonder. But I am happy to hear that camp helped them.

I do not know what country I will be in next year but I sure wish to be back here, if I can. Thanks to campers and staff alike. I am learning and I am seeking to get better at counseling, at living, at loving, at growing, and at smiling.

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Jul. 27th, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Eh
Eh. I do not like anybody, realy. That is what I tell myself. this is my love journal. I am suppose to write about my life and about how I feel. I feel like I am one of a kind and that there are not a lot of people like me. I dare myself to write a attributes journal of the qualities of what makes a godly woman and keep my eyes open but I do not want to even think that I have ever seen my wife. I just may never get married even through I am dying to get married.

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Jul. 23rd, 2007
My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Weird
I like a new girl. Eh. Woa. This is not suppose to happen. Sad. Good. Bad. Does anybody ever read this? A while back I met Melody Millermon. Then I met Amanda Krubensacker. Later, met Jen Moore. The Doctor made people to be liked by other people. It is good to like people but it is not good to fantasize and worship them. So, what am I trying to say? I am trying to say that I have seen many people, have met less, and have liked fewer. Somehow, I am thinking of three different people right now but I will not mention their names, yet. It is just so weird and it makes me sick. I like this one girl but I feel like love has never worked out for me. I just feel heart broken. I do not want to wait for the right time. I want to be in a relationship and I have desire to just tell a girl that I want to start something. I have never decided to actually start a relationship with a girl before. I actually told the last girl that I liked that I liked her but that I was not sure. Why did I do that? Just in case. But I did not tell that last girl that with the desire of convincing her to like me back or anything like that. A part of me wanted that last girl to like me but I knew that I had to simple tell her what happen.

I like a girl. This time, she is a girl that I can talk to more, one with a more fun-loving personaliy. This new girl is not a model but she is attractive: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and whatever else that there is left besides those four. But she is a couple years younger. She is amazing. I love being around her. I hurt a little. Does love hurt. She likes singing. She is passionate. Eh. She is wonderful. I want to cry. Why does love hurt? Why am I a baby? This is all so weird. I really do not want to think about this. I do not know what will happen. I need to work on myself. Eh. Love is good. God made it. I got work to do, what about you?

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May. 9th, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Summer 2007

05/09/07 w 09am est. I have challenged myself to not only share my feelings towards who I may like or whatever ('love') but I should also share my feelings and thoughts towards upcoming events. MY SUMMER OF 2007 LOOKS SCARY: I am not looking forwards to my summer but I know that my Creator has my back, yo. I am coming home to a trailer. I have no official room or room for anything. I do not have a job yet. My abusive unsaved alcoholic dad will be near by, I am coming home to help out my mom. I do not know how long that will last. I do not know what tommorrow will bring but I know that I cannot do anything by myself. I know that I cannot rely on my feelings. I know that I need to stay more loyal to whatever that I need to be doing.

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Apr. 29th, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Forget And Forge.
location: Library, ABC.
mood: rejected rejected

04/29/07 s 03pm est. Forge And Forget. Location: library, ABC. Read the follow before reading anything else: this love journal is suppose to record the feelings and events that marked my life; however, I have spent most of my time only writing about my most recent thoughts and feelings concerning a girl (which is not too unique to the rest of my life besides that it seems more real and bigger) that I have only known for one year. It is good to like people but it is not good to be obsessed over them. I am daring myself not to run off feelings. I may feel like doing one thing may be the right thing to do. That feeling may seem right but I may not be right. I have a lot of things I need to be doing the next couple of years; therefore, I cannot be trying to do too many things at the same time and I must wait for things to come together. I do not know what will happen in the future but I do know that I have a day job, so to speak, and I must stop day dreaming or planning to do something that was never meant to be, maybe. If you are praying for me then thanks because it is working.
Tags: forget and forge.

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Page Summary

Где можно получить кредит наличными
Кредит без договора
Он явно был
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I Am Homeless
Wilderness: Third Camp Week
Eh
Weird
Summer 2007
Forget And Forge.

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Apr. 28th, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Confused.
location: ABC
mood: restless restless
music: Cry me a river.

04/28/07 z 02pm est. Confused.
I need to learn how to be a genuine friend even if I feel sad and lonely. Please note that this journal probably only makes sense to me, the writer, but what would you expect. Never mind that. With that said, let me just spill out my guts. Through, I need to make a more secret journal because I will not say everything here. This school year has been the toughest yet best that i have ever have. I may have liked one girl or the next during the course of my life but I think that I foremost desire not love immediately but instead friendship. I may be a good friend but I want to learn how to do so better. I feel too weird. I do not want to go back to my home in Oregon. I do not want to leave the friendships I have with so many people. It is so sad. I have never liked saying bye. Do you like saying bye? Thought not. Who does. I feel weird. I eat junk food sometimes. I avoided wheat for several months but started eating some recently. I dare myself to stop. I feel weird. I have felt too many things recently. I do not know what I feel, want, need, or anything so much. I need karaoke. I need to learn history. How do you walk away from friendships. I do not want to. Everything is hard. They should not be. Wait, they do. I am being burnt like precious silver and gold: or at least that is what my friend Jennifer Moore once told me. Things are weird. WOLBI: At my last school, I liked some girls from time to time but the feelings never last. They kind of come back but who knows. Who cares? What to do. I like this and that but do I need it? This is weird. I do not know what to say. I do not know how to carry much small talk with people. People laugh over crazy things. Oh wait, I was talking about my love life. I am being distracted. I do not have a love life and I may never ever get a love life. God will do as He wishes, through. Life is weird and I feel weird. I need to sleep more. I need to learn to biblically love everybody. It is tough. People often do not take me serious. Things are weird. I get mad but then I get relaxed. I want one thing but then want another thing. WORD OF LIFE BIBLE INSTITUTE IN NEW YORK: So, with the girls in New York, I did not like the certain girls for good enough reasons. The older I get the more I will like a particular girl. The older I get the better or more biblically sound my liking for a girl becomes. Cry me a river. Am I heart broken? Do I fight my feelings? Do I run away from my feelings. I do not know what I feel. Why do I avoid things. Why do I ignore things. Why do I not love people like I should. Why do I fret or hide from really preparing myself. Why am I a slob? Why do I fall for a girl or something? Why do I feel like I will never fall in love with a girl ever again. I was not suppose to. I wanted to but told myself not to. Did I ever fall in love with a girl? Did it actually happen? I do not know. I hate love sometimes. I want to just leave this place sometimes. I know I can be friends with girls but I cannot look at them with a desire anymore. I cannot be thinking about whether one girl or the other could be the one. I would like to keep my eyes open for a future wife but it is too painful to really consider one girl or the next because it seems like I cannot have what I want. CANNOT HAVE WHAT I WANT, IT SEEMS: "Do you, Joey Arnold, have a girl friend?" No. Something always seem to happen. They always become like unavailable. They either die, get taken by another man, will get taken by another man, do not like you, you do not like them, or somehow we become separated from each other or something. I have seen many kinds of girls and I think that I have seen them all but I have a hard time understanding how I will run into the right girl at the right time. I do not want to go after a girl who is a couple years younger than me. I do not know. I need to ask for help by my first Love and by others around me who love my first Love. I feel like a mess but it could be worse. I am giving up on love. God will have to throw me ina whale to change me now, if need be. I would joke with the guys around me, at the different school that I have attended in my life, that I was looking for my wife at that particular school. I do not want to joke around about finding a wife any more because it hurts too much for that. I have, however, said that God would have to throw the girl right in front of my feet in order for me to see her and not ignore her. I do know that is something that I might still tell others but why should I do that? I need to be focus on becoming whatever that God wants me to be. I do not want to look at a girl with the idea that I would want to marry the girl. I do not want to like a girl too much. If I start liking a girl too much then I will only cry. I will only cry. I will need to pray and get counsel, accountability, and discipleship from others so that my emotions and feelings do not take over me like they did this year. The emotions and feelings are still around me and in me and trying to control me but I must develop a plan instead of yielding to whatever comes my way. A quiz result once said that I a very social person but I will often fly by a potential partner. That is true. I do not want to be desperate, through. I hate love sometimes because I see anybody and everybody getting together. Fat people with fat people or fat people with skinny people. The dumb with the smart. And you could almost say the dead with the alive. Life is weird. Having a special someone does not mean anything anymore I think because everyone is doing it but without consideration to how important it is. It makes me sick. Sick. Sick. Did I say sick? Love makes me sick. I not want any girl to think that I like them anymore than a friend or anything. I do want x to think that I am trying to hook her to me. I do not want me to think about getting her. I do not want to go after such a thing at this moment in time. I do not want to fall in love right now. I must not look at a girl with lust. I never looked at x with lust because it was deeper than that but it could have been and how would anybody else know any better. I am pathetic but should this journal be public. This journal gives me accountability in a way. When I look and talk to any girl I have been but still need to always be genuine when talking or thinking about them at any second or moment or anything.
Tags: confused.

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Apr. 23rd, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
JERK.

04/23/07 m 08pm est. JERK: It is now official that I feel like a jerk because of my actions that came from feelings. The last couple of years I have thought about dating girls that I would like; however, I dare myself not to until it is time to get serious (married). That dare never changed but somehow I let my guard down. I basically started liking a girl. Then, like a jerk, I started talking about her online (like I am doing right now). I was not considering starting anything with her and I did not even think that she or anybody should know about such matters. Somehow, I started letting more people know until she found out about it. I met with her and told her what she already knew and then she told me some things that I somewhat already knew. It is sad that I have to live such a life. It may not seem like a big deal but it is. I do not care if she is ok with it or anything because I still made major mistakes in all this. I feel like I may have became enemies with her a little. I feel like I have confused her and many others. I have made enemies with people before but I want to stop. I want to somehow help her understand that I am only a friend with her but that is not so possible any more. I blew it in a major way or something. I feel real bad right now I do not need anybody to tell me that it was not that bad. It can be a habit or lifestyle of mine. I told her sorry but now I think I need to not be around her as much just to be above approach, maybe.

DISCLAIMER: I do not day dream about her or have a desire of getting her. I did a few times during this school year but now I am focus on the tasks that are before me. It seems like my current school, ABC, is aware that I started liking her. It seems best to not spend too much time with her so that people are not confused. I am sorry but now I must do something. This is sad. I must learn how to deal with life. I thought I liked her but that does not mean anything does it? I have been trying to reprocess my thinking to focus on other things during the last month and it has been working. I have a lot of other things to think about and I do not need to be distracted by infactuation or whatever. I may have seen a lot of amazing qualities, attributes, character, or anything in her that I have not seen in very many people. I may like or admire so many things about her but I cannot throw away my purpose statement, my theology, my life, or anything down the drain to go after my assumption or something. I was never considering starting something. That is the disclaimer. I was never planning on starting anything right now. However, I started asking people about her because I did not want to make a mistake. I knew that I would never see her ever again and I did not want to leave without knowing what she thought about it. What if I was leaving without opening an open door? What if I was going against God's Will?

I should have went after finding those kind of answers in a more secret way. I could have went and got some counsel from some people and then I may have came to a conclusion of letting go of my feelings and moving on, and in not even letting her or anybody else know about my inner most desires. I have had feelings, from time to time, for many girls because I like people and such but I do not tell girls about my feelings for many different reasons. I know that it was different with her in a way because the feelings would come back every so often but I must not let my guard down. I am a jerk. I feel like mud. Do not try to tell me that it was not a big deal. I ruined things. Friendship is important. I am a jerk. I need to make a poster for myself that reminds me that I am a jerk. I need to be constantly reminded that I am full of mistakes and I can ruin alomst anything. Like for example, I called a girl a dog once. I killed my guinea pig and mice, and snake. I kill thing.
I must daily ask my Creator to help me before I kill any more.

Posted at 07:46 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Share

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By Oatmeal Joey Arnold

Apr. 20th, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Meeting With X
04/20/07 f 08pm est: MEETING WITH X: That Friday night is a night to remember because it was then that I was able to tell X how I felt. She seem relaxed and understanding. I am still thinking about all this and I am thinking about what I feel about all this. I need to write more about this special night. FIRST SPECIAL MEETING WITH FEMALE: It was the first time I ever had like a planned meeting with a girl ever, in such matters. Never have I ever fell for a girl in such a way, before;

but now, I feel, never will I ever fall for a girl like that ever again.

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Published in September of 2018 by @JoeyArnoldVN

Timeline | L4OJ.LiveJournal.com

2006-2008: Log L4 L4OJ Life Journal: ABC, OR, WA, HI
2018-09-11 Tuesday 02:00 PM LMS | L4OJ.LiveJournal.com
Published at 02:45 PM Tuesday
Updated at 05:37 PM

Apr. 18th, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
(no subject)
mood: relaxed relaxed
04/18/07 w 02pm est: Refocus. PURPOSE: The purpose of this entry is to remind myself of my first Love instead of being distracted by other things. I am amazed at how God is working in my life, and I am amazed at the prayers of others, and that prayer works. This entry, the idea behind prayer, and even my own way of life may often be unpopular but it is right. I must be motivated to remember who I am. DETAILS: I wrote to myself, before today's chapel, "You have been distracted with a deep feeling of liking [X] and therefore have forgotten who you are." Sure, the feelings are strong or full of emotions, for X, but why am I letting my feelings control me when I should let God control me? I pray that I seek to be refocused each day. My eyes are gone to tears because of the work that God is doing in me because I am reminded that I must first have an undying passion and love for my Creator and Savior of my own heart and soul. I pray that nothing breaks in between me and my first Love in my life. I challenge myself to not compromise anything worth not-compromising for the sake of advantages, rewards, girls, or anything, anywhere, anytime, for any reason. I am a strong person, and one of excitement and I must use that for the good of the glory of my Creator. I have been scared of rejection, humiliation, and so many little things. There is something better out there for me, maybe, and I must not be distracted by anything: I must study the real things and throw everything else out of my pockets. MESSAGE: Never scrap for a relationship, like a desperate dog; instead, seek to be that relationship.

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Apr. 16th, 2007

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Second Entry

This is where I write more.

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2007-04-26 Thursday 12 AM ABC EST JA:

Apr. 26th, 2000: Fake Date
My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
PERSPECTIVE:

04/26/07 r 12am est. PERSPECTIVE: I do not know exactly what I have been feeling and thinking this past year concerning life, love, girls (or even that particular girl), or anything; but I do know that I often forget to look at life through the lens of eternal perspective. I may try to better define what I have been feeling, thinking, and doing but I must better yet talk about what I need to be doing in life. I was talking to a good friend of mine, Ryan Blok, and I was being reminded that I must focus on giving all my time and energy to my first Love, my Creator and Savior. Let me tell you that I officially do not like anybody as of right now and I do not plan on even considering it for a long time. It will only be harder for me to fall for a girl but it is better, actually, now. It will be tough to consider becoming more than friends with a girl from now on but that means I will not fall for junk (not saying that x was anything less than not junk). Recently I thought about becoming more than friends with X but I knew that I could not but I told her about it anyways. I am better about all that, by the way. I need to talk about my past in this love journal. I keep forgetting. I need to focus on my first Love. So much to say about all this but so very little time; But what is most important?

DATING MANUAL: I need to have clear direction for my life that is directly derived from the book written by my First, Last, and Only True Love; I need to constantly renew my vow to my first Love.

NEXT TIME: As of right now, I would not have told x that I liked her; I only did tell her because I did not know what else I could have done; what would you do if you were having weird and crazy feelings for so many reasons. I feel like I deceived and tricked her. It seems like we both have a problem about the situation but that we both deny it to everyone. For the most part, I looked to her as a friend and there were only a few times that I pondered my uncertain future; but it only took a deep and weird feeling and assumptions to get me so messed up or something. I am guessing that everything is not a big deal but I just want to make sure I never make this mistake ever again and that I can teach others how to learn from such a thing. I am still not sure what I felt, thought, and did concerning x but I know that I made mistakes, especially the mistake of trying to describe such things. I wonder if it was the right thing to even let her know. Why am I so inpatient? Things would be even worse if she liked me back. It is actually a good thing that she does not like me back so to speak I think. It is tough for me to say that but it is better because I could not have kept her waiting for me. I have a lot of education and home problems that I am facing and now is not a time to start anything with a girl. I pray that God gives me wisdom because I have so much that I need to do for God and that makes it so hard to do apart from being single.

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Apr. 9th, 1985

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Introduction To my Love Journal.
location: ABC; Bradley, WV.
mood: confused confused

Love: journal. Origin: 04/09/07 m 11pm AST. Location: ABC.

04/09/07 m 11pm AST: Introduction To my Love Journal.

OUTLINE: The outline to this first entry of my love journal will cover the following sections: first of the task, second of the means, third of the purpose, fourth of the origin, and fifth of the confession.

I. TASK: I need to write out my love life because if I do not then I will forget many things that may help others somehow. Through, I could also talk about other human's experiences or wisdom in regards to love: however, my priority must be in regards to my own life, wisdom, opinion, feelings, thoughts, goals, reactions, and actions.
The problem in writing this journal is that I think I am in love: but my task is to write without letting my feelings derail me from what is best.

II. PURPOSE: The purpose for this love journal is to first better understand myself, second to understand others, third and finally to then help each other because of this resource.

III. MEANS: I must write about my past experience with love because the best way to understand my present is by first understanding my past. In the next section, in regards to the origin of this love journal, I discuss a present issue and struggle in my love life. I mention this present issue mainly to illustrate how important it is to understand love but also to help me remember what inspired me in starting this journal to begin with.

IV. ORIGIN: I have liked girls many times in my life; however, never have I ever felt such desire for this one girl until this school-year of 2006-2007 because of I do not know. I have these strong feelings for this girl that I will refer to as X, and I do not understand where these feelings came from but I know that I must not let these feelings control me. I send the following message to X herself: “Dear miss X, I do apologize if you ever find out about how I feel about you before I am able to tell you so in person.” I have not said much because I am not sure if I can trust my feelings. I have not told her that I have feelings for her mainly because I do not know if I can trust my feelings for her, or if it is worth starting a long-distant relationship because we are both going our separate ways next month: May of 2007. I have wanted to fall in love, get married, have kids, and such, most of my life but this past year I have been daring myself to hold back and to focus more on my first Love. I been trying to distance myself from any girl these past several years for the sake of both me and the girl that I was made for, the girl that was made for me. I need to learn how to be a friend to people truly, even to X, a girl that I truly admire in every known aspect of her life, dreams, character, appearance, and goals. For the most part, I did not want to fall in love and I have asked myself "why her?" I truly admire her in so many ways, and I have told her that, but I do not want to tell her too much until it is the right time, if that time were to ever come. The origin to this love journal came from the inspiration of her own life because I have learned much from her about being a true friend and such. I must learn to truly be a friend to people, even to X, and I must learn to focus each day. What I mean by focus is that I must sit down and ask myself the key questions to my life, to anybody's life: I must ask myself why am I alive, what do I want to accomplish this day, how do I want to accomplish those goals. I must dare myself to live a certain way, to be ready for the problems before they come. In other words, I must determine my attributes, attitude, and action but in doing so before they in return do determine who I will be for that day. The problems of today will only be the deaths and destructions of tomorrow. I must discover my feelings before my feelings discover me. I do apologize to X because I feel that she may somehow know about this. I dare myself not to fail to plan because that means I have planned to fail. I dare my heart to not jump like a frog or toad that may hop before it knows where it is hopping and in doing so hops off a cliff.

V. CONFESSION: Right now, during this 06-07 school-year I have strong feelings for this girl, X, but I am not sure why. She is not the prettiest girl out there but something just draws me to her. She is not the tallest girl but she seems just right. She is not the funniest but I think that she is so funny. She is not fat or skinny but those things would not change what I have been feeling. I know that I am only thinking that I am in love but can these feelings be real? SECONDLY, I must confess that I have too much pride and selfishness for having things my way, for getting what I want in life. Too many times I am just interested in what I want and not in what is right, in what is best. I feel like I am not scared of doing anything that I truly want to do. In application to this thought I must say that it would only seem normal for me to seek after X with all of my heart and as fast as I can. I am so full of myself that I feel that I can get any girl at any time. I feel that if I truly thought that it was only best to seek after X then I would truly have sought after X. Therefore, what is stopping me? It seems like I am incapable of approving such actions: in other words, I do not know if going after X is the best thing for both of them despite the fact that I would rather marry her than anybody else in the world, as of right now. Now, other thoughts play a role in all of this, thoughts of rejection, humiliation, or limitation [because what if there was somebody else? Nonetheless I feel that there is not a better girl, but these are only feelings]. Am I afraid of getting hurt? I think that I partly am afraid of getting hurt because a good childhood-long friend of mine, Tiffany Rochelle Cumbo, died before I could say bye or before I could tell her about how she can know for sure if she was going to Heaven to be with our Creator and Savior. In other words, one of my best friends died and that tore my heart out: I am thinking that is part of the reason why I do not express all my emotions as much as I could, or why I am not as good of friends with people as I could be. Basically, what I am trying to say in this confession is that I see this sparkly in X's eyes and I just cannot explain why my heart is so in tune to her. X wants to do amazing things, and it is exactly what I asked for it seems. Nonetheless, I have not pursued her fully because of different reasons: one reason is because we are both going our separate ways really soon, second is because she may never like me, third because I believe she likes somebody else back at home, fourth because I do not know how fast, how, or when to pursue her, and fifth because I do not know if this is what is best for both of us. Yes, of course I know that I want her but do I need her and better yet does she need me?

I dare myself, however, to truly love her like I am to love each human that comes across my path: to truly be her friend and to truly want what is best for her even if it is not me.
Tags: feelings., joey arnold, love, oatmeal

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2007-05-06 Sunday: 03:00 PM ABC EST JA:

May. 6th, 1984: Fake Date
My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
Start Over
mood: rushed rushed

05/06/07 s 03pm est. Library, ABC: Start Over: As of right now I plan to rewrite this love journal. It is long. This means editing and maybe deleting what I have wrote in previous entries, here. I should. People say I should. I could. I would. I plan to do that. I have spent too much time looking at the fruits that I have forgot to observe the root problems in my life. I am a mess. But I know a doctor. Do you know the Doctor. I feel that it is the end of the world when I return to my home in Oregon but I know the Doctor. I can schedule an appointment with Him any time I need to. That is better than anybody, anything (or any girl) that I have or ever will know. Do you know the doctor? HOW CAN I IMPROVE MY DOCTOR VISITS?

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Jul. 29th, 1981: Fake Date

My Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen Williams
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eh 11111111111111111

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