Trenza - Braid - Original poem - 100 days poetry challenge day 32
Saludos, Steemianos hispanohablantes.
Estamos en el día 32 , en dirección a cien días de poesía. Agradezco a las personas que me apoyan y que han leído lo que estoy creando para el ciclo de 100 días de Poesía, convocado por #steemitschool. Siempre esperando su gentil mirada y que les guste. Continuamos sin desmayo.
Trenza
el alma se llena como copa
de palabras que
abotonan la boca.
parece que nos mojamos la fe
en agua viva, naufragamos
y seguimos muriendo de sed.
nos faltamos y nos buscamos
en otros y apuramos la copa
para reconocernos y amarnos.
las palabras nos definen sin ellas
y se contienen a sí mismas
como brazos que se buscan en las estrellas.
quisiera hacerme un lazo grande, muy grande,
a lo largo del cuerpo, uno solo trenzado en la
parte más larga, más rosada, aquella que se
enreda trágicamente en lo oscuro de la dicacidad.
Y, no pude. No alcanzo a atarla. Sin querer, suelto gritos,
dolores no expresados, amores no besados, besos no
dados, besos, lazos. Medio lazo, o un lazo entero, que
dé vuelta a todo mi cuerpo, a otro cuerpo. Que toque
con la punta rosada otra punta, otra cara, otra alma.
A veces, quisiera hacerme un lazo grande, que me
amarre a todo, a mi gente, a mi mundo. Porque
no siempre estoy conmigo, mi alma vaga a
otros mundos, desanda,
se escapa, vuela
y se
desata.
A veces, yo quisiera
hacerme un lazo potente
y no alcanza. A veces, poeta. A veces poesía.
Esa nota discordante que, a veces, me cansa.
Greetings, Steemians and colleagues from #steemitschoolpoetry.
We are on day 32 , heading for a hundred days of poetry. I thank the people who support me and who have read what I am creating for the cycle of 100 days of Poetry, summoned by steemitschool. Always waiting for your kind look and that you like them. We continue without fainting.
My musical theme that I connect to, between lines, with this creation is:The valley of the moon
Braid
the soul feels like a cup
full of words that
they buckle in their mouths
it seems that we wet the faith
in living water and we are shipwrecked,
and we are still dying of thirst.
we get lost and we are looking
in others, we hurry the cup
to recognize and love us
the words define us without them
and they are contained
as bonds that are sought in the stars.
I would like to make myself a big. Very big
tied along the body. A single braid
in the longest and the pinkest part, which is
tragically entangled in the darkness of what it bites.
And I could not. I can not tie her up. Unintentionally i scream.
Sorrows not expressed, affection not kissed, kisses not given,
kisses, ties. Half tie, or a complete tie, which envelops
my whole body, to another body. Allow the pink tip
to touch another tip, another face, another soul.
Sometimes, I would like to make myself a great
bond. One braid that ties me to everything,
to my people,
to my world.
Because,
I am not
always
i am
with me.
My soul
walks
other
worlds.
She
returns,
escapes,
flies and she lets go.
Sometimes, I would like to become a powerful link
with me and with others and I can not reach it.
Sometimes, poet. Sometimes, poetry.
That jarring note that, sometimes, tires me.
Original poem by @zeleiracordero
The images are of Pixabay
Summary of my latest publications:
The broken mirror-Day1 / The habit of the monk-Day2 / This skin that I live-Day 3 / Guest I - Day 4 / Guest II - Day 5 / Guest of light - Day 6 /Eternal guest - Day 7 / Gift of flows - Day #8 / Waning moon - Day 9 / The sanchez ear - Day 10 / Numen - Day 11 / Divergent -Day 12 / Trascend-of you-Day 13 / Identit-Day 14 / The wrong theory-Day 15 / Insight - Day 16 / Cirineo / sand castles - Day 18 / sigh of your skin -Day 19 /limbo underwater -Day 20 / Dualidad fractal-Day 21 / Revelation - Day 22 / Whisper -Day 23 / Corresponding Rhetoric-Día 24 / Distant Muse -Day 25 / Renaissance - Day 26Luna escarlata-Day 27/ Criatura de luna-Criatura luna -Day 28 / Luna cautiva-Luna cautiva-Day 29 / Pozos amarillos-Yellow wells-Day 30 / Duende amatista-Amethyst goblin- day 31
Thanks to @d-pend and to #steemitschool for the creation of this space to share our creations.
And, very especially, to my invaluable friend @onthewayout.
If you have not yet joined the Steemit School Discord, do it now:Discord
For accompanying me, reading me and always being there ... Simply THANKS
Por acompañarme, leerme y estar ahí...
This week for critique class we have to offer a critique on a poem. I am choosing yours. Guy, the guy who runs the critique class told us that we should pick a poem we really enjoy for critique, because if we give our time to something we find worthwhile it is a lot better than critiquing something we could care less about. I really enjoyed your poem.
For me the poem was kind of broken into two sections the first being the section with the left-hand margin justification the second being the centered text. I really enjoyed the left justified portion and the enjambment before the word 'Sometimes'. For me it was creating a sort of braiding effect. But the second portion of the poem which is centered seemed to lose the effect, and I couldn't tell if this was done purposefully. I guess it could be seen as maybe a braid coming undone, because the rest of the poem from there kind of seems like it spreads out and takes many different directions. If this is the case though, I think maybe playing with some centering and then some left justification and then maybe even some right justification may have Illustrated this a little better.
Also you have the word I interspersed in lowercase and capitalized instances. For me, I was unsure of what effect you were trying to create, and therefore it was more of a distraction then if you would have left all the I capitalized. I think the piece itself is so strong and so many of the other techniques like enjambment were used so purposefully that the lowercase 'I' came across as kind of willy-nilly. Although, if the braid is indeed coming undone this could be a signifier of such.
I really liked what you did with repetition. Sometimes, being the most obvious worked for me as a transition and a way to weave. Also the use of no periods (for the left justified portion; until the final period of that portion) worked towards this transition effect as well. For me though the restrained repetition of the word cup and pink were the most powerful used. The symbolism inherent in both of those words translated well into forming imagery in my mind. The repetition drew my attention and allowed me to read a further depth into the symbolism.
I like the play on kisses and bites.
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what the second portion of the poem is saying, I enjoyed quite a bit of it, but there was also something that kind of confused me. I was unsure exactly what was being said. I think the reason for this is because the ending seemed a little abrupt. Especially because it uses the word jarring, like it was purposefully abrupt, and if so I didn't understand why it needed to be abrupt. Maybe it was like the split ends at the end of a braid.
I did like how you used the symbolism of the poet and words themselves in the second portion, but I was unsure as to what exactly you were saying about this. I did get the sense you were saying something about weaving words and creation, but for me the thought was somewhat incomplete.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem immensely. I think part of the charm is that I didn't fully understand it, and that I can return to it and read it over and over and glean little secrets every time. I do think the second half could be polished in a way that would make it more impactful, and would suggest you play around with editing it a bit to see if you can make it shine even more.
Great job. Thanks for such a beautiful piece of work.
Thank you for taking into consideration my creation for your literary criticism exercise, dear @acousticsteveo. For me it is a great honor. I admire the way you penetrate not only in meanings, but in form. Both are intertwined in this poem. I feel you have many successes, the braid has to do with the union of the lyric speaker to the world he has lived, to his own inner world, to his roots, which somehow is not strong. The braid symbolizes the desire to tie, without really linking, the possibility of creating ties that center it, without losing freedom. That being and not being, that defines her feeling the distance of her environment, makes her withdrawn and even indifferent, because she enjoys, in the end, the freedom that she defends, even at the expense of herself, of her desires and feelings.
Oh my God, my comment was a mess. I went back and edited a bit. This is what happens when you use voice to text and then post without editing because you're in a time crunch situation. LOL. Please don't take my sloppy comment as an indicator of my regard for your poetry. This was my favorite poem of the week.
Hermana, un lazo grande que enrolle la copa de la felicidad.
Sí. Que se trence en tu pecho y en el de los que quiero y estoy por querer. Que me dé vuelta y me encierre conmigo, para que no deambule en viajes cósmicos, tan seguido.
I like how neatly you always format your posts. They are alqays looking so neat.
This too was not an exception. You deserve accolades for that. And perhaps some prize😀😀
A great poem you have here.
Thank you, thank you very much for your appreciation, my friend @blessedben.
@zeleiracordero. Te abrazo.
Gracias, @wilins. Yo te abrazo más.
I like your style of writing. And this is my fav words
Nice to know you on Steemit. 😊
hola amiga @zeleiracordero!
Mi boca se contiene de palabras que no pueden salir
y llora mi alma por eso,
la esperanza vive dentro de mi
pero, aún así, nada sucede;
continuo sola con la esperanza viva de que algún día todo cambiará.
Me afecta lo no sucedido y me alejo,
divago en mi soledad
en auxilio solícito que nadie oye.
Sucumbiendo en la esperanza de que algún día las cosas cambien
y alguien me escuche para salvarme de fallecer
ante tanta desesperanza.
@zeleiracordero, lo escrito no es poesía, como una especie de traducción del sentimiento que reflejó tu poema en mi
Gracias por sentir de cerca la poesía, amiga @antoniarhuiz. Me encanta que la lectura le haya sugerido todo su comentario.
Sometimes I feel the same way :) you are never short of ideas my friend!
Thanks for the empathy, dear @dmilliz.
I imagine this poem sing by Montserrat Caballé.
ha ha ha ... I do not know her, but I will try to listen to her to feel that you have sense, dear @ayahkasih.