Notes #25 - Some Days Are Full of Blah
Notes From an Amateur Writer #25
SOME DAYS ARE FULL ARE BLAH
This Blog series is an exercise in creative writing. Sometimes expressed in short story forms, sometimes as a journal, or just my thoughts written down. This is my attempt to help coalesce my writing ideas and knowledge into usable form. It is a nursery of sorts for the stories that are on their way, or yet to be written.
Wipeout
Sometimes I wonder if life is like trying to catch a wave. Some days you nail it, and ride it into the shore looking for all intents and purposes like a master of all things. And other days the wave looks at you, laughs mockingly, and rips you into a million little pieces.
This past month has been a great wave catching month for me. Most of them have paid off. Even the ones I missed did little harm. Today however just felt like blackness personified. It happens, I know. But sometimes I think that past shit just returns (psychologically, through memories and feelings) and reminds me of things that once were. Dark things. Things I would rather forget. But I'm not sure if we can forget.
I have been riding these waves, the ones that have smoothly lead me to the shore over this past month or so. Utilised it to its fullest. Writing, reading. All of that continues. But I went to ride another wave today, and got smacked hard by the crashing waters. Spun around, tossed to and fro. Lost sense of direction. I remember these days well. Good thing is they pass. They always do. This one will also.
Return To the Past
I have written previously about past health issues, and even my current health situation. This isn't the cause of any black feelings. They go way back. And sometimes they revisit. I finished reading a book today. A novel I thoroughly appreciated, and am working on a book review post to share more details and thoughts. For me it was even quite life changing. At the end of the book the author talks about how the story developed. Now I'm not one to worry at all about 'trigger warnings' as I believe if something 'triggers' us it's because we have a shadow where we have hidden these issues and their emotional ill effects. It wants to come out. It wants to be healed. This is my theory anyway, based on my rudimentary study of Carl Jung, amongst many other psychologists and philosophers.
But it did bring up things for my attention. I hesitate to say buried memories, as they weren't buried, just packed and hidden for later consideration. Later had arrived.
In the Author's Notes section at the end of the novel Crooked God Machine, the author Autumn Christian talks about someone she met who grew up in a strict Christian environment, but had evolved into an Atheist. His experience of God had lead to him experiencing Schizophrenia. He says of his upbringing:
"God stole my life. He stole my family, and I feel so alone," he said
This is my experience. I allude to it, but haven't openly discussed it. There are a lot of people who believe in God, and I don't wish to cause offence. So I censor myself. I will probably still do that. But my experience of God isn't the 'God is Love' variety. It is the one expressed in the Crooked God Machine. Dark, frightening, demanding, and never ever satisfied. I have a theory that is where my Cancer originated from. Like I have something in me that shouldn't be there. Someone else's dark belief system. It became tumorous. As a theory it won't win me the Nobel Prize. But it will probably help me write better stories. That's a prize of sorts.
Facing My Demons
I saw a post here at Steemit yesterday that mentioned an Australian megachurch called Hillsong. About them utilising a new video blockchain idea. People seem to like Hillsong. They are happy, smiley people. What's not to like? Except their founder was a paedophile, and they have been known to harbour others with that bent. And there have been rumours for almost 30 years of dark paedophalistic goings on behind the scenes, including missing children LINK LINK. I grew up in a very similar environment to this church. It's tentacles stretched into my childhood and my upbringing. I will say no more, but connections would probably be easy to make from what I have said. I did not know a happy smiley God. I knew a vengeful God, worshipped by adults that overflowed with self loathing and self hatred. (The public saw the smiles, like they do on the Hillsong videos – but those smiles disappear when the public, and the cameras, are no longer there). The children bore the brunt of that. God never intervened. I often wonder how I did not also end up Schizophrenic. There but for the grace of God go I (I haven't lost my appreciation of the ironic).
Psychopathy is, to me, the ensnaring of good people to utilise their energies. Sounds vampiric because it is. I talked briefly about that when mentioning groups, and how I respect the individual, but distrust the group immensely. The group is psychopathic. I seem to have an emotional clause which means as soon as I get too close to a group I turn and walk. I sabotage, I disappear. Humans are a strange, and at times wonderful bundle of contradictions and oddities. I like this about us. It's when it bleeds over into outright criminality, particularly towards children that I shut down, physically, emotionally. That's when the black days descend. But they go away, they always do.
God is Dead. God Remains Dead. And We Have Killed him.
Nietzsche
Sometimes I wonder if there is yet another God, a higher one, watching over me. Watching over us all. This one wouldn't demand worship or sacrifices. This one wouldn't even have a standard pronoun.
"But what if God exists?" people ask me, "what if you're wrong, and God exists?"
My answer was the Crooked God Machine.
Autumn Christian, Author's Notes, Crooked God Machine.
And sometimes I wonder if there is no God at all. Nothing. Those are the blackest days of all.
My answer, to me more so than anyone else – I try to be the best version of me I can be. I'm not really sure what else I can do.
Gratitude
If you read this far then you are a Saint. I hope I didn't taint your day. Your attention is valuable to me, and appreciated.
All images used with permission, and sourced from Unsplash.com.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you liked it then please like, comment, and follow
@naquoya
Short Fiction:
Bang Bang You're Dead
I Have No Name and I Must Scream
The Last Book Store
The Judge
The Man In The Mirror
The End of the World [Part 1] [Part 2]
The Locked Room
The Gods of Love and War [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]
Notes From an Amateur Writer blog series:
Notes From an Amateur Writer #1 - The Search For Inspiration
Notes From an Amateur Writer #2 - A Call to Action: Interacting With the World Outside of Me
Notes From an Amateur Writer #3 - Facing the Challenge
Notes From an Amateur Writer #4 - The Soundtrack to Grief and Loss
Notes From an Amateur Writer #5 - Music as a Catalyst for Imagination: Jimi Hendrix's Little Wing
Notes From an Amateur Writer #6 - The Stories All Around Us
Notes From an Amateur Writer #7 - Introducing Nomad [A Cyberpunk Mystery in the Making]
Notes From an Amateur Writer #8 - The House at the Edge of the World
Notes From an Amateur Writer #9 - Making Peace With My Kindle
Notes From an Amateur Writer #10 - Learning the Craft of Story Structure
Notes From an Amateur Writer #11 - Adults Sit at the Big Table, Children Sit at the Small Table
Notes From an Amateur Writer #12 - The Time I Won a Lego Competition
Notes From an Amateur Writer #13 - Learning to Fly
Notes From an Amateur Writer #14 - The Tucker 48: Face to Face With a Million Dollar Vehicle
Notes From an Amateur Writer #15 - When the Levee Breaks: A Story in Song and Words
Notes From an Amateur Writer #16 - Monty Python, Keanu Reeves, and My Case of Invisibility
Notes From an Amateur Writer #17 - Dancing With My Muse
Notes From an Amateur Writer #18 - Facing the Challenge Part 2
Notes From an Amateur Writer #19 - Telling Stories
Notes From an Amateur Writer #20 - Life Is Like a Box of Crazy
Notes From an Amateur Writer #21 - Writing Myself Out of Existence
Notes From an Amateur Writer #22 - The Finish Line Becomes the Next Starting Line
Notes #23 - It Is Sometimes An Appropriate Response To Reality To Go Insane
Notes #24 - The Happy Smiley People Ad Agency
I feel you on this, but I'm sure you can ascertain that from what I've written in my book. I don't think it's a coincidence that Utah, the home of the highest percentage of Mormons, is the leading state in antidepressant use.
Christianity is about denying our true nature, our physical needs, our emotional pain, and our 'evil' thoughts. That's how pedophilia and abuse is allowed to flourish. We can only roust those things out of people and their hearts with honesty amongst ourselves and other people. If you scatter light onto your pain, the pain is often diminished just by acknowledging its existence.
But having evil thoughts and pains is ungodly. It means you're tainted. So we push those things down and they flourish in the dark as we keep on smiling.
The older I get the more I'm convinced God definitively does not exist. The universe flourishes on reason. Everything born here was born to survive and grow, and in order to grow there must be a kind of love. A love for life and for your fellow species. I see none of that in the Judeo-Christian God.
I don't doubt this at all. Half of my family (the Christian half) are on anti depressants. I would have thought this was blasphemous behaviour, but apparently not.
I think this is how I have tried to handle things in my life. Only because it seemed natural. It seemed right. Making no claims to perfection, and having no fear of those imperfections. In fact maybe even learning to embrace them.
I find when things are going well, and feeling right, I have a sense of appreciation for my place or my roll in the flow of life. I guess this is love, inward and outwardly expressed. More than that - it just is. I don't have to conjure up anything, or force anything. There is no looking over my shoulder to see if God, or psuedo-gods are watching me, judging me. The times when I use the word God (its like a semantic nightmare that keeps returning) I refer to this 'flow of life'. Whatever that is. But like you say, I see nothing in the Judeo-Christian God. Just blackness.
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I'm the exact same way. I really don't know why it is. Sometimes I think that it's pathological. I've often thought that there was something mentally and emotionally wrong with me, but then I just realized that if I'm not worth chasing after, then why the hell would I want to belong in that group.
With regard to the concept of an almighty being, your sentiment more or less align with my own. It's a slippery slope talking about it, and I have heard all manner of argument from both sides. With Nietzsche playing a huge part in my formative years, there was a time in my life when I pitched my tent firmly on the side of atheism. As I read more and more, I floated more to agnosticism.
I find the argument of people who believe because they feel that whether God exists or not, they would still come out on top, not wanting to not believe when God in fact exists, most disturbing. In truth, I do believe that there are some things that are beyond our reach, meaning that it's not something that's being represented in most contemporary religions.
I often waver between feeling like I understand people's need to believe, and then also feeling like religion is like Kindergarten for those too frightened to stand on their own two feet. Like I said in my post, I try not to speak to truthfully on the subject as I know it will cause offence. So I go silent, or internalise it. I have lost a lot of friends because of this topic.
I no longer think it's pathological, although perhaps my psyche is still to catch up with my belief on this. It's certainly drilled into as as being so. Part of the difficulty is the confusion between individualism and selfishness. That is part of the ruse , in my opinion. We are individuals. We are born is unique beings. To say so and act so is not selfishness. Groups become problematic when they subjugate that individual strength and confuse us into believing we only work well within the group. That's collectivism. History is full of the tales of its woes.
The think with the Nietzsche quote is that most people misunderstand it, I feel. He talks about how we have killed God off. To me we have done that by 'creating' him/it in the first place. And overlaying that created concept over whatever is 'truth', whatever is actually real. Whether humans can know that or not is another question altogether.
THIS. Oh, man. This really riles people up, in my experience. I believe this is true for most cases, and while I don't ridicule their beliefs, I couldn't help but feel some sort sympathy for their plight. I just try to be more compassionate and understanding in these cases.
You're right. This is a spillover from the Groups post, but I felt it needed to be said. I do hope a paradigm shift in consciousness would happen in our lifetime.
It absolutely riles people up. And I can understand why. I empathise with what others are going through. And choices they make, even if i don't necessarily agree with them. My history gives a more tainted edge to my abilities to live and let live sometimes. But I don't deny anyone their choices. And I don't generally express my views as the quoted example suggests normally. Kind of like me turning psychopathic to a degree. I observe it, but the step back and try to remain in my own silence.
Like I said in the full quote - I fluctuate between two states. And I am also fully aware of how expressing those states impacts others. Its a tough road. Because I have lived with religious people who don't have that censor. They don't care who they offend. Of course there are also the religious types who do no such thing also. I won't taint all with the same brush.
Firstly great post, real honest and raw, real courage to post and I really, really do applaud you. It is one of the great things about Steemit, is that there are a lot of people opening themselves up to strangers in the hope that they find some friends.
secondly @naquoya sounds like you are having a hard day and your past is not helping you, this may sound like an empty platitude, but remember that you have a lot of friends here on Steem who look forward to your posts and enjoy and welcome your posts, I for one and I'm sure that others wish you nothing but good energy and that you will be back on top of that wave soon again :-)
Thank you. I hesitate going too raw, because we all have our own shit to deal with. I was hoping to give some context to my writing, the ideas I have expressed, and the stories written. Whilst being honest about my day. But my appreciation for reading and understanding.
I definitely agree it's just a 'bad day' and I tell you I have loved not having any for so long. The writing, the interaction, these have helped there. And even now, because I find I can compartmentalise it a bit better. My world has not come to an end. And I didn't think it was an empty platitude - I received it in the spirit it was offered :)
A saint huh? I wouldn't say that, raw writing like this pulls the reader along with it.
I was brought up in the church, and though I didn't have the apparently awful experience you did, the brainwashing was an incredibly difficult thing to break free from. When you're told since you can think that you must believe in Jesus as Savior or you'll be cast into lakes of fire and outer darkness, the fear of such things happening is so deep rooted it's a feat akin to climbing Mount Everest to reach the point when you say out loud-- bullshit. And my parents are wonderful, loving people, and honestly that only made it a thousand times harder. Because they really and truly believe every bit of the twisted doctrines being taught.
I was pissed about the indoctrination for a long time until I came out the other side. On this side of it I do believe in a source of creation, though it is certainly not the smiting greybeard :)
You may not be wrong about the link with the tumor though. Spiritual and physical are certainly connected. I once watched a video about a man who was given a year to live and decided to live that year laughing. Six months later the medical community was confounded to find that his cancer had disappeared and he spread the word, that he laughed his tumor away.
And this too shall pass. I hope the blackness passes quickly.
Thanks for the thoughtful and thought out comment. I think we shared a similar upbringing, with the exceptions that you pointed out. My earliest memories are of being taught about Hell. I used to tell myself that my parents meant well. I truly believe a lot of Christians do. But I was wrong about my parents. I like how you put it - it can be like climbing Mt Everest. That is so spot on. I was well in adulthood before I could say Bullshit. I had been whispering it for a decade. Like a little mouse.
I too believe in a source of Creation. Perhaps believe is too absolute a term - I feel strongly that there is an intelligence behind everything. Consciousness, or something akin to that. Hard to narrow it down to fit the English language.
I don't doubt that laughing cured that man. I am working on my emotional states. I think that's why today's post rose up so freely. I think a balance of physical as well emotional/mental release of toxins is important. Thanks for sharing that example.
There is nothing wrong with religion by itself, people are those who corrupt everything they touch! Luckily not all of us are rotten apples. Do I believe in God? Yes I do, but not that demanding God that people try to glorify just to get to their own goals, I belive in good that exist in universe and that create. But everything comes with ying and yang, there is no creation without distraction.
In a way I envy you for your experience. I certainly don't deny it's reality. I find myself living in 2 worlds. The one I spoke of, and the one I know others also dwell in, such as yourself. The last thing I would ever want to do is rob another person of their own belief. It's theirs, belongs to them. I can only talk about what I know, and express gratitude when people such as yourself can receive it and still remain strong and calm in their belief.
While on vacation I read Phillip Roth's, Indigntion. Your article seems to address some of the same themes. It is a book you might like.
I haven't read that book. Thanks for the suggestion, I will look into it.
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https://steemit.com/life/@discernente/misunderstandings-about-the-theory-of-evolution
My post is not a scientific post. It is a purely personal post speaking of personal experiences. I don't understand in which context you are sharing a post about evolution. If you wish to express your views about God, then by all means please do so. That is welcome. But I'm confused as to why you think your link is relevant. I spoke mostly about the black side of religion, touching on paedophilia, in case that was missed.