I didn't realize how I had such a burdening block within me towards Fatherhood. It's something I've been wrestling with for a long time but my ability to articulate the point has always been somewhat strained, and I would usually get caught up in the justification of my strain....ultimately making sense of my non-sense and negating to see the real source of my burdening as the stress and strain I've been holding within myself.
I've harbored immense judgements towards my parents for being inconsiderate to me throughout the years...to the extent that I felt that they had no business in having children...and that their starting point for having children was mostly through brainwashing in their environment and it was just sort of the fairytale story they had bought into. Like to me, it seemed that my parents having kids was just the next upgrade in their life and "status"...where it was a point of having a child just being this thing that was like a pet....and it was because they wanted a pet of their own....it had nothing really to do with me, the pet/child itself....but more of attempting to fill a void within themselves.
I never really got to know my parents that intimately in terms of the extent of what their childhood upbring's were like...other than to get a bit of a pity party of sadness and sorrow mostly how there parents were inferior...and that I am likely that my parents are so superior to their inferior parents. This always confused me but I was unable to articulate and process this without getting caught in my own web and whirlwind of judgement and reactional outburst emotional energy.
My attitude has been that I haven't been ready to bring children into this world because I never really thought of myself as having my shit together enough to do so.
So much of this has had to do with my very own relationship with my parents. Deep down within myself I've always been wanting and seeking for their approval....and even wanting like a really sincere heart felt apology from both of them as individuals for acknowledging their faults and carelessness towards me in basically causing me much emotional and physical abuse that had shocked me to the very core of my being. Making me believe deep down within myself that I am not good enough....that there is something wrong with me....that I don't fit in.....that I don't belong.....that I am always mostly a problem. I've basically been wrestling with these unconscious undercurrents my whole life.
I realized within holding onto these wants from my parents...I've been self-victimizing myself in relationship to my parents...where it's like I've been stubborn to really forgive myself and let go. I've been stubbornly delusional to see that I've been exactly like my parents in so many ways, only I've had such a strong denial within me to see it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the typical cycle of the, "war within the family"....where the parent is superior to the child...and the child is regarded as an Inferior.....and how this creates always even on the most subtle of levels a world of Inferiority that masquerades around as being Better and Superior to the previous generations...like this cycle of delusions of grandeur.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in delusions of grandeur in regards to my parents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting and or seeking for my parents approval.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my best development and maturity as a result of holding on to this deep desire for my parents approval and validation that I am worthy here...that I am Good Shit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I've been coping with and acting out this supressed sadness and sorrow....and immense anger within myself where I've held onto this blame and even vengeance towards my parents where it's like I feel justified and entitled to now take advantage of them and even manipulate them and really just fuck with myself in my own mind by holding onto such a nastiness and spitefulness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a nastiness towards my parents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify holding onto a certain amount of spite towards my parents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I created an emotional dependence towards my parents as a young child...and that I've always felt controlled and even guilty....like obliged to indulge within this emotional dependence....like I must keep on with indulging this relationship of keeping up appearances as to go through the annual formalities in terms of holiday get togethers because they are my parents and I must love them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to guilt myself within love as an emotional dependency.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that love is simply a feeling you get from another that is uplifting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created a relationship within myself where I feel the need to be uplifted by those around me in my environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fucking with my emotional independence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for hiding from the depths of my emotional dependence initially where I was quick to judge and go into blame, rage, anger....fighting....and within this act out....channeling out my suppressed emotional build up within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself within my thinking throughout the years in regards to my parents...where I've always been attempting to coverup this sadness and sorrow in relationship to my parents...where I've been putting a positive spin on things and go into focusing on being grateful for what I have been given. I realize there is great value in gratitude....and I am grateful for everything I have received and experienced in this lifetime. I realize however that my capacity to live Gratitude is tainted if the very living of Gratitude is simply reaction based as a form of self-compromise in just wanting to feel better about the shit that I haven't really faced and or really forgiven myself for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how my appreciation and gratitude has been a stress and a strain within my living because I've been stubborn to forgive all the way 100%.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to short change my best development and maturity by getting caught up in the delusions of my own thinking and believing of myself to be superior to other being's in this existence...whether they be my parents, partners, friends, acquaintances and or people I don't really know but just see or hear a little bit about.
I've come to realize that in a very round about way, through much consequence, struggle and strain - I've learned a lot of harsh lessons.
I realize harshness is not always required in order to learn, grow and mature.
I realize there is great value in understanding, realizing and knowing how to utilize 'harshness' as a tool to support growth, development and maturity.
I realize that the best development, maturity and growth is a result of an as a balanced relationship within and as myself.
I realize my capacity to live and express this balanced harmony within myself stems from my standing one and equal with my parents here.
I realize and understand what it means to live the, "patience of parenting"...as I've been showing myself for sometime now what it means to really care for myself as I've become my own parent onto myself, practicing my patience with me daily...making perfect the corrections to the very mistakes I've made...realizing, understanding and changing while enjoying many many laughs and smiles along the way.
I realize I've been doing a pretty good job in taking care of my growth, development and maturity...and that I've reached a point within myself where I am confident to care for another as an extension and expansionary sharing of my ability to take care of myself.
I realize I am not planning today to have children by a specific day or anything like that.....just that within myself here I am ready for when the time comes and I have a life partner who I am satisified in standing with as equals to raise children together as what I see as what of the greatest responsibilities any human is capable of taking on this world.
I've come to realize and understand a new depth of appreciation and gratitude for parenthood itself.
I've come to realize and understand a new depth of appreciation and gratitude for my parents.
I realize that everyone in this existence has been challenged immensely and will be challenged immensely as we move forward together in this world...as there's been much unfortunate consequence that has played out as the world we share here today. I realize that a real compassion, dignity and honor for all that is here is required in doing my individual part to support the betterment of myself as equal and one with the world that is best for all life.
I realize that the way I've existed has been less than Life...and that I've been stuck in fighting within the extreme ranges of inferiority and superiority...missing my balanced stand as equality and oneness here 100%.
I realize that there's a variety of ways to play in standing here equal and one on the playing field and that in doing so...it's a lot of fun to play...and there's a certain amount of real effortless ease in dropping all the veils that make shit so difficult and challenging.
I realize my very conditioning throughout the years has been that of a fighter in a world of fighters where you must fight to validate your worth as a means of survival as our right to fight to remain in a state of fight or flight.
I realize the ridiculousness of a world based on survival from their being a real lack of self-worth where nobody really trusts anyone and that it's just accepted that everybody is mostly fucked and that some are just so much better and more entitled to everything because of their intelligence.
I realize the ridiculousness of masquerading around within veils of intelligence. I realize that for myself this has been a place of hiding the very depths of my inferiority as the trauma I've allowed myself to be burdened by as the wounds I've been stubbornly resistant to heal myself from and to grow and mature as a Self-Made-Man who's words can stand the testaments of time 100% for sure.
I realize where I am at in my life at the moment, I have an opportunity to expand upon my relationship with my parents and practice the living of my appreciation and gratitude for my parents.
I realize my parents and so too my brothers haven been a massive point of suppression in my character...and that it's actually a really cool and fun point for me to work on cultivating a growth, development and maturity with my parents and my brothers.
I realize I am not here to save anyone...especially not my parents or my brothers. I realize the ridiculousness of going into a hero like character where there's a self-compromise in wanting to save/help my family as like feeling a responsibility and an obligation because they are my flesh and blood.
I realize it's quite limiting to only regard your most immediate family as your flesh and blood. I realize this is a massive fuckup and self-delusion that justified a real disregard for the world at large.
I realize there is a point of practicality in working with our immediate families...but that it should not be a limitation in placing a superior importance upon someone because they are your mother, father, brother or sister.
I realize everyone in existence here is a child to someone whether the parent is still here or not in the physical flesh is somewhat irrelevant. The real importance is the regard for children in this world and that the future should be cared for and planned for accordingly from the starting point of creating a world that is most accommodating for children to have the very best lives full of play and laughter as that is how we learn for real in the most natural of ways.
I realize we are all children at heart always that the eternal child cannot die...it is the only thing that ever really exists as who we are...it is the very essence of a child that so much so defines and exemplifies life as the purity and innocence in self-expression.
Play on Kids :)
To Be Continued
CHEERS TO NEW BEGINNINGS AND BEST REGARDS
Decentralized Media Broadcasting is the Future - Sharing Because You Want to
- What I like about this social experiment, is the fact that it's success is directly dependent on ordinary people everywhere - where there's a willingness to say,
"Yes - I accept a weekly payment for being a human being to cover my basic costs of Existing Here."