I had a lot of resistance the night of day 6. It's like I was staring my history with 'self-compromise' in the face. The kinds of thoughts...the backchat lets call it...where the nature is compromising of my best regards. It wasn't pretty to see these systems within me....like these automated systems that have been compounded over time, as my 'self-compromise'.
I could see how temptation has lived inside my 'self-compromise' - where there's been a lack of structure in my self-discipline...where I would allow myself to give into the words that come up within my mind that are like feeding me instructions to cheat on myself! I mean what the fuck.
Obviously I've indulged in this type of behavior for many years throughout my life...where I basically justified going into the energy surge within me to get that quick hit of relief for the burden/stress/strain that I am looking for relief upon.
So - it was cool to see this shit....my 'self-compromise'....and, to take the approach of rather "non-judgement" - where it's like, Ok, I see this is the design of self-compromise here...this is where I've fallen in the past...I see how this works in my mind...I see I've been feeding it in the past...I see that I've been allowing it.
In beginning this challenge with myself I made the decision for certain within myself that I would not smoke for the 21 days.
My commitment to myself was challenged for sure in that my history of self-compromise seemed to reveal all it's tentacles...
It didn't matter though because I simply couldn't allow myself to do that to myself.
In looking back at the experiences, it's kind of funny in a way because self-compromise is such a seductive flirt. It's funny in the sense that I can see the ridiculousness of my past participations and the overall sly like subtleness of how the psychology of self-compromise functions.
What was a bit uncomfortable to see was how I've fallen into self-compromise throughout much of my life. For a moment I really got caught within my own pity party...and go figure the self-compromising system within me geared up with an increased intensity as like my most convincing narratives of self-compromise....like my best lines of self-deception. It was actually quite fascinating to see more clearly these dimensions of my mind that have so much so ruled and controlled me.
In the heat of the energy build up of my suppression within myself...as like all this self-compromise...and me going into a bit of a reaction to it...
I took some moments to do some private writing for myself - just as a way to ground myself deeper here in making note of what was happening...kind of like added insurance in preventing myself from getting swept away in my own self-compromise. I went into applying self-forgiveness.
Night of day 6 was a turning point for me in this challenge because I was at a cross roads of decision....a cross roads of where I've fallen mostly in the past. This was significant for me because I was very aware of myself and the implications of my follow through in making the decision I made. I actually, practically took a look at my future. I simply could not risk being careless with my words and instructions for myself here.
I realize much of my life I've created problems for myself as a result of not being so careful with my words. This also came through for me as a point of ME...and the Relationship with Myself - I just couldn't cheat on myself. It's fascinating that up until a few days ago this distinction within me was not clear.
Today - I woke up even earlier than I did the day(s) before. I woke up quite naturally with the sun. Very well rested. I think I am sleeping deeper than I have in a long time.
I went for an hour walk after getting up. I recorded a vlog the whole time...I decided to just keep that for me as that's a bit long on the video side of things for an expected share. I find it really supportive to walk and talk. Also specifically with doing the vlog it's been a cool point of self-reflection and introspection to see if I have an reactions to seeing me. It's kind of fun and funny...because it's like what do we have here....what is it about me I am uncomfortable in seeing about myself? In this way, vlogging becomes a really powerful tool for learning about myself and supporting myself to expand my outlook and overall regard.
Oneness & Equality is my Life policy.
DAY 7 - NO SMOKING - 21 DAY CHALLENGE
Oh - Fun Fact: Initially I had a bit of reaction to seeing my face in this picture caption of the vlog. I didn't like how squinted my eyes are...and I thought the picture to be rather unflattering of me....and initially I wanted to change it...get rid of it...get it out of my sight.....And then I decided to drop my judgement of my picture presentation where I am concerned about how other's perceive me to be. It's about me being cool with me and all of my faces...flattering or unflattering....whatever the weather I am sharing/wearing.
I've come to realize that I've created much burdens for myself that I've been carrying around rather unconsciously that have been like super heavy on myself....and that these "burdens" have mostly come to be as a result of the subtlness and quickness of myself in mind to create/harbor judgements mostly about others....and the deeper truth here is that inside each one of those seemingly innocent subtle judgements is my very own self-compromise and self-deception. So I am now way more on the case for the subtleness of judgement within me...as my attitude and principled approach about judgement is for me......From Judgement....to Non-Judgemental...This approach is alredy proving to be quite effective as it is like an added assist in learning from my judgements and not going into a pity party dance and reacting to my bullshit that I realize...but simply getting real with myself.
Also - My stomach area seems to be the source of where I've carried all my suppressed emotions....I've had a lot of energy in me that's needed to be released. After my walk this morning...I came home and worked out for an hour or so. Then not too long later I was like craving more physical activity...and so I went for a hard rip on my bike before the rain storm came in.
Cheers and Best Regards.
It's in allowing ourselves to tune in and be conscious of the smallest of moments that we are able to learn so much about ourselves and each other.
CHEERS TO NEW BEGINNINGS AND BEST REGARDS
[Healing From Old Wounds: Insight and Reflection and New Found Direction - The Art of Self-Instruction]( Insight and Reflection and New Found Direction - The Art of Self-Instruction)
Decentralized Media Broadcasting is the Future - Sharing Because You Want to
- What I like about this social experiment, is the fact that it's success is directly dependent on ordinary people everywhere - where there's a willingness to say,
"Yes - I accept a weekly payment for being a human being to cover my basic costs of Existing Here."