Day 3 - No Smoking - I'm Finding So Much Suppression..."Shame Everywhere"

in ulog •  last year  (edited)

smoking.jpg

I've been in denial about what a "soother" smoking has been for me. I've played it down. When I stopped in the past, I was cleverly deceptive to put something in it's place to channel the suppressions within me. It's been rather appalling to see not so pretty pieces of myself that I've essentially been burdened with for like way too much of my life.

I'm finding that smoking for me has been like this massive coping with Life point. Where it's like so long as I can smoke...things are all good. Like this idea that I will tolerate whatever bullshit...so long as I can smoke.

SEX has been another point of suppression within me. Specifically in the form of Addiction. Man this is a kind of crazy one in a way because I couldn't see this at all. I so much so was hiding in it. It's like super embarrassing to even say. I mean I am appalled with myself.

OK - A little back story...

I've been going through what has been for me a really difficult breakup.

I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I was compromised from the get go. I rushed in. And the woman was/is pretty incredible. I totally pushed her away from me.

Only today have I realized this trend within my relationship history....where I've pushed everyone close to me away.

The experience has been like "Fuuuck...I've been doing this to myself the whole time."

I just finished making a vlog where I go into the ugliness of myself that has played out....the shit that I am ashamed of that I couldn't even believe I did.

I cheated on my girlfriend.

I was flirting the whole time. I played it off and was dismissive of it. I justified it as normal and natural. I was pushing the openness of sex in the relationship.

I never even considered that I've had a sex addiction since I was a kid.

I came across an article today, Sex Addiction 101

I recognized that I had even resistance to reading the article. I recognized that this could support in me expanding upon the vlog I just did called, Facing The dark Ugly Bits of Shame in Me

I had justified that I couldn't ever really have a sex addiction because I stopped jerking off to porn like 11 years ago....and in my mind anyone with a sex addiction has an issue with porn. Obviously I've been mistaken about a few things.

I had been noticing increasingly for sometime the deep roots of suppression in me. I recognized that I was accepting inferiority inside myself....and inadequacy....and that I would also present superiority as a coping and hiding mechanism. I didn't know how extensive this shit went....and it's like the shit in me has been going back into my childhood memories. Like in a way, I've been a walking, talking zombie throughout my adult life...and even my later teenage years....it's like I've just been playing out....and coping to different degrees with all this shit that has been buried in me in some way or another.

There's been so much denial and justification - as like not wanting to really consider that me...I could have a bunch of fucked up shit that I've been accepting and allowing....that I've held onto to my own detriment.

It's been rather intense in that I never expected to find so much shit in me. It's like the level of my own deception has been rather extensive.

I recognize too that it's not to get caught up in further burdening myself with these ugly harsh truths I am staring in the face as things that are just so unfortunate.

Smoking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created judgements about smoking.
I forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself for hiding within smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been a coward in the past in terms of seeing that I've been coping within inferiorities and inadequacies within smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing smoking to be like this medicine I need to soothe me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my life within smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for always wanting to fight people about smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing smoking to be an emotional thing...a way to hide the deep dark discomforts of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing cigarettes to be my time out to re group and make sure my thinking is right....I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a very habitual relationship with smoking as a comforter that I mostly rely on for my sense of well being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out solace within smoking.

SEX

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe sex to be a necessary thing to support self-realization in myself and in others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct my life around having sex on the regular.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from my friends and family and focus primarily on my girlfriend(s).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having justified not hanging out with friends...because it's like not as good as possibility of sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having so much so compromised a balanced living within sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing I need sex to feel adequate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using sex to cope with self-consciousness, anxiety, inferiority, inadequacy, sadness, sorrow, and hood trauma.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cheat myself within and as my relationship with sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for never ever considering that I've had some serious issues with sex in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my best potential within sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my relationships for sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so controlled and influenced by sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have formed a drug like relationship with sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dishonor my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I've been attempting to build my self-worth within sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for limiting my potential so much so within always placing such importance on having a girlfriend.

I realize in facing the deepest darkest shit of myself - it's not pretty...it's not boastful...it's sad and uncomfortable in it's very nature. I realize that I couldn't really see and understand these things....there's no need to now go into a temper tantrum.

I realize in challenging myself to see all of myself without judgement, it is possible for me to heal myself from that which I've burdened myself with.

I commit myself to investigating any and all suppressions related to Smoking.
I commit myself to investigating any and all suppressions related to Sex.
I commit myself to continuing onward with my self-vulnerability.

I commit myself to challenging the living of my utmost potential.

I commit myself to facing every obstacle in my path to living my utmost potential.

I realize the journey through introspection can be most difficult at times and each one will face their own tests. I realize I stand alone in exposing myself...my shame...my mistakes....my corrections....my change.

I commit myself to making the best changes within my Living.

I commit myself to becoming a responsible human being.

  • NOTE TO SELF: I've learned so much about myself because I am committed to taking 100% responsibility for my life...and I realize it's a process to go deep beneath the surface.

  • I realize I am more ready than I've ever been to face the darkest parts of my mind.

CHEERS TO NEW BEGINNINGS AND BEST REGARDS

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Thank for sharing this. It takes a lot guts to be honest with yourself and share it with the world. But by admitting the truth, you are on the road to recovery and being able to live the best life possible. And your honesty allows all of us who have similar stories to share as well.

Thanks for giving your feedback Victoria - it is indeed appreciated!

I had no idea that you were smoking during your pushups. It sounds like you are making lots of changes in your life and thinking about things and decisions you made. Remember though, don't feel guilty. Guilt is present thoughts over the past. Just move on and take those lessons with you. peace out!

Cheers Brother!

Yes 100% Agree with your words here.

Pushing Change like the PushUps :)

There are two parts. First is when you make a mistake and the second is when you realize that. We all do the first part but very few people go to the next part.
I would like to congratulate you that you have realized that you have done bad things in your past and you regret that and now ready to improve.

Soryy for the breakup but yeah at the end it is life and all these things are part of life.

Thanks Brother, really appreciate the words of support - means a lot!

No problem man. You really inspire me.
I am happy to find a good friend on steemit.

I think we all have some relatively shitty stuff that we do, some things are just more visible then others.

Please stop smoking.

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fuck man, this post is so filled with honesty it sparked so much understanding within me.

From man to man. I can relate to so many things you talked about. I admire you for having the courage to face it, to express it, to write about it and to freakin SHARE IT...

You're a warrior, and with this post and you're vulnerability, I feel to have permission to get honest with myself.

It's so powerful to face the "darkness". Even if it hurts, I believe, this awareness is such a powerful catalist of growth.

All the best for your new future!
Sam

Really appreciate you taking the time to share your feedback with me here - means a lot to me - Respect @sams-world

I guess it's a nice win-win :) take care man!
Sam

It really sounds like you are trying to change for your own betterment which is a very great thing.
Love,light and peace.💕
Take care

Thanks @worldclassplayer for sharing this post.

Was driving my daughter to school one day and coughed just before hearing her say:

Daddy you need to stop smoking cigarettes.

I wasn't smoking a cigarette at the time and didn't smoke one that day... it's been 3 years since .

Keep the faith!

I congratulate you. It is true that self-knowledge and the capture of the responsibility of each action and decision in our life is a great step to initiate true changes.

thank you so much!

Always great reading your post bro. I love associating with honest pple like u. We're not perfect being. We make mistakes, forgive ourselves and move on. I've learnt not to liv in my past mistakes but to always look ahead for a better future.

Congrats! Sounds like you're on the right path brother! Forgiving ourselves is easier said than done, but the peace of mind and personal growth that accompanies this important step is well worth the effort.

Thanks Man - I really appreciate it.

Determined for sure to face all my demons

Yea...addictions are TOUGH. Got rid of my smoking one easily though with nicotine gum. BUT...if you can't (or don't want to) quit, I suggest one glass full of water with a tablespoon (heaping) fully of barley grass powder, daily. One of the best antioxidants known to mankind...

wow! I never heard about this one - interesting....seems like it would be an easy thing to add in everyday. As far as I know...you can never have too many antioxidants.

I'm confident I can drop this.

I'm really interested in researching the barley grass powder - thaaaaank you for sharing that with me!

Yea...I figure if you're gonna smoke, you could at least ward off cancer.

I am a chain smoker when i was 9 years old still i had this habit but i am going to change because of you.

ohhh coooool!

Keep in touch :)

Somethings are just not easier to give up

I like your sharing

Still expecting smile on this ulog post

https://steemit.com/ulog/@haryour/struggle-continues-ulog

i like this...

This was so moving. I am jealous of the fact that you are at a place where you can confidently verbalize letting yourself off the proverbial hook. I've found myself here because I'm in a place where I know I have been hiding behind coping mechanisms (drinking, smoking weed, anxiety meds) so that I could avoid dealing with the real things that cause my soul to be restless. I am trying to slowly but surely isolate those things that make me want to hide behind those comforts. I wish you all courage as you continue to seek peace and wholeness within yourself.

I like your words

This is really an opened heart writing...I was reading and smiling. As long as you forgive yourself and be true to you, admit your mistake you can go on and live in a healthy way. Good for you!

wow very excellent post Thanks for sharing i will done upvote.

I just downvoted the comment by @faisal79

@faisal79 - You clearly realize that "excellent post","post thanks for","post thanks for sharing","thanks for sharing","very excellent post","wow very","wow very excellent","i will done upvote" is considered to be spam since I've replied to you 17 times before so I just gave your comment a 17% downvote*.

@worldclassplayer - You can remove this comment and everyone can whitelist me from appearing in future posts.

*If you continue posting in this way, I will continue flagging and the weight of my downvote will increase each time I reply until you stop. Please reply if my algorithm is mistaken.