"Thong Decision" - More Old Poetry (Humor)

I wrote a lot of poetry back during my undergrad days, but once I found that I enjoyed doing fiction more, I never picked it back up (despite filling a huge notebook with well-transcribed versions along with accompanying images). Since Steemit seems to have a thriving (and growing) poetry community, I thought I'd add a little fuel to that particular fire. I hope you enjoy :)

I was out of clean underwear
and decided
borrowing one of your thongs
for the day
was somehow
a good idea,
if only to keep my boys in place.
I slipped them on
and heard you
fart across the room;
a small cannon let loose
while dreaming,
uncovered by sheets and piety.
My grin became grimace
as thin fabric sliced butt cheeks
like floss to tender gums
and second-guessed if commando
weren’t the better option.
I shook the thought
and pulled pants up over
chafing thighs,
fighting urges
to pick my butt
on the way down to the bus.
I took a seat and opened
up the paper, scanning classifieds
and comic strips
when gravelly voice behind me spoke.
“That’s a lovely shade of pink
you’re wearing. Got any plans tonight?”
Goosebumps pimpled neck
as my fingers felt my back.
The straps had crept
and exposed themselves
putting my anal cherry
in mortal danger.
A quick exodus
at the next bus stop
had me sprinting for shelter,
tucking shirt into pants
mid-scamper and misplacing
testicles in the process.
I took the long way to work
showed up late
and fondling testes,
attempting comfort
in your tight little panties.
The first piss break I got,
3 hours later (after lunch),
I tried to rip them off with a quickness
without de-pantsing myself first.
I felt my taint scream out in anger
as the floss rubbed me raw.
My eyes teared up,
the thong wouldn’t rip,
and my balls had declared
death wishes against me.
I slumped to the floor
and unbuttoned my draws
removing the pretty pink problem.
Walking by stalls,
I massaged my balls,
and tossed the torn fabric away.
So these are your replacements,
boxed up and tied with bow.
Happy Birthday, dear,
I just wanted you to know,
the underpants gnomes don’t exist,
yours truly just lacks common sense.

"Arizona" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/arizona-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Lasso the Moon, George Bailey" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/lasso-the-moon-george-bailey-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Sphinx Song" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/sphinx-song-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Purgatory's Visiting Hours" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/purgatory-s-visiting-hours-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"When Atlas Shrugged" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/sure-atlas-shrugged-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Christmas in Viet Nam" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/christmas-in-viet-nam-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Apocalypsis" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/apocalypsis-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"New Novel, Issue 2, Vol. I" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/new-novel-issue-2-vol-i-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Star God (My Final Thread)" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/star-god-my-final-thread-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"The Universe is Right on Schedule" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/the-universe-is-right-on-schedule-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Absence of God & Time" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/absence-of-god-and-time-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Hale-Bopp" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/hale-bopp-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"I Want Out" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/i-want-out-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Good Morning, Creation!" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/good-morning-creation-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Reflected through the Looking Glass" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/reflected-through-the-looking-glass-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Symbiosis" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/symbiosis-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Dream of a Dream" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/dream-of-a-dream-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Azure Interlude" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/azure-interlude-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Hubris, My Love" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/hubris-my-love-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Sin" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/sin-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"So Many People, So Little Time" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/so-many-people-so-little-time-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Deafening, Shameless Horror of War" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/deafening-shameless-horror-of-war-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Weary Traveler" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/weary-traveler-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Dead Poet Society" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/dead-poet-society-a-poem-from-nearly-20-years-ago
"Untitled, 12.13.05" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/untitled-12-13-05-more-old-poetry
"Untitled, 01.17.06" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/untitled-01-17-06-more-old-poetry
"Untitled, 01.25.06" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/untitled-01-25-06-more-old-poetry
"Untitled, 04.17.06" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/untitled-04-17-06-more-old-poetry
"Tongue Painting" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/tongue-painting-some-pervy-humpday-poetry
"The Orator of S(kin)" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/the-orator-of-s-k-in-some-pervy-humpday-poetry
"Insert A into B" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/insert-a-into-b-some-pervy-humpday-poetry
"Mornings" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/mornings-more-old-poetry
"Wake-Up Call" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/wake-up-call-more-old-poetry
"As If Hanging in Dreams on the Back of a Tiger" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/as-if-hanging-in-dreams-on-the-back-of-a-tiger-more-old-poetry
"Mano Viejo (An Old Hand)" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/mano-viejo-an-old-hand
"...And on the 8th Day" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/and-on-the-8th-day-more-old-poetry
"Choir of Anvils" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/choir-of-anvils-more-old-poetry
"Paris" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/paris-more-old-poetry
"Epilogue" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/epilogue-more-old-poetry
"Accident in C Minor" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/accident-in-c-minor-more-old-poetry
"Scaring the Stars into Submission" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/scaring-the-stars-into-submission-more-old-poetry
"Raising Hell in the Garden of Eden" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/raising-hell-in-the-garden-of-eden-more-old-poetry
"The Push" - https://steemit.com/poetry/@bucho/the-push-more-old-poetry