Lessons Learned From a Dying Man - Written and Audio Versions
A story brought about by my own – health related - reflections on a matter, both delicate, and universal. It is a personal meditation intended to help teach myself an important lesson I need to learn. Perhaps others do too. It is in that light that I share it.
I have recorded my first book reading / spoken word for my blog here at Steemit. The new dsound platform has made that an ideal proposition, once I overcame my reluctance to put myself out their too much. I stumbled a couple of times, but mostly it is true to what I have written, and think it is ideal for those who prefer audio books. Let me know what you think (but be gentle!).
Lessons Learned From a Dying Man
► Listen on DSound
► Listen from source (IPFS)
I never meant to stare. It was not my intention to make him feel uncomfortable. But my gaze was transfixed by his very appearance. The sight of him bewildered me. His skin so pale, like a Cicada's wings, with veins that crisscrossed at irregular intervals. He was skinny, perhaps too skinny. Bones protruding, like they had lost their security and were huddling together to defend themselves from an unknown threat. Or was it unknown? Perhaps the threat had revealed itself already. And taken its toll. It certainly appeared that way.
I caught myself looking. Or maybe I caught him watching me looking. That may be closer to the truth. But he didn't seem upset. Perhaps he is resigned to the stares that he has to deal with. He coughed; a jagged razors edge of sound escaping from its hidden world. It made him wheeze, as finally he breathed deeply, as deeply as he could.
He was no stranger. No, I knew this man well. It was bad enough that I had been caught staring at a dying man whom I had known for what could have been a lifetime. But I couldn't imagine my shame should he had been a stranger. We sat silently with each other, offering our silences as gifts of formless treasure. Finally he spoke.
"Does it bother you?"
"Does what bother me?" I asked, speaking cautiously, as if the vibration of my speech had the ability to damage his already withered frame.
"The sight of me," he said, getting straight to the heart of the matter. I considered carefully his calmness of speech. His demeanour reached out and soothed my own apprehension. But I wasn't even the one who was dying. What was my excuse for fear?
"A little, yes." Should I be so honest? How dare I speak in ways that could crush this man. But he had reached out and reassured me with his long silent pauses, and his visual clues. He wanted honesty. Even more so than I did. I suppose a dying man has no need for running from the truth any longer. Those days would be far behind him. The lies we tell, and the games we play. My own guilt sat heavily upon me. My own betrayals crept up to the surface of my memories. I could feel the creeping emergence of guilt, grief, and hopelessness bubble up to greet me. I suppressed my tears. My friend was dying, and I was concerning myself with my own hidden past? Is this what happens in the face of death? Or is it the face of truth that has me now? Maybe there should be a sign above his door that reads Abandon all games those who enter here.
"Don't worry yourself about it," he said. "It's only natural to feel uneasy." He spoke with the calmness of a saint. An enlightened soul. Although he looked anything but that. He hardly had the strength to support his own frame. He winced and wheezed regularly. He had trouble breathing.
But he was at peace. He emanated a level of peace which was so palpable it frightened me. Why would peace be such a threat to me? Because I have none of my own? A man who is living, and breathing, and has – god willing – many days ahead of him, and I am cowering under the penetrating light of a dying man's peace and contentment. It isn't right. I'm not right.
"I'm resigned to my fate. Finally," he said. "It has taken me so long, but the fight went out of me a long time ago. And that's when life became, well, different. It's like the constant fight I had with life brought nothing but darkness, but acceptance of reality has brought me light."
I weighed up what he was saying. He sounded genuine. I know he meant all that he was saying. "But should you have to die to experience such light? Such peace?"
"Of course not!" He spoke with a degree of emphaticness. As much as his demeanour would allow. "That's the point. That is what I didn't get. All that time whilst I had life, I lived it with too much resistance. Too much fear. Too much concern about what other people thought. Don't do that. Don't wait this long to live."
"What do you suggest?" I was asking a dying man's advice on how to live life. I bathed in the subtle light of my own ironic patheticness. I should be the one offering assistance.
"Live with purpose. Define your life. "
"And to hell with the consequences?" I asked, unsure if it was even the right question.
"No, to hell with the fear of the consequences. It's the fear that kills you. Eventually. I would go so far as to say that living in fear is akin to already being dead. Well, that's my take on it, from my own life."
"Whatever comes, don't be afraid. That's all. I don't think I have anything else." He didn't need to say any more. He had imparted more than enough. Enough to impinge. I suppose only a man who has come to know peace could cut through my defences so severely. Only a man resigned to his fate could speak with conviction. Conviction enough for me to hear. A conviction that was free of the binds of fear. I took in a slow deep breath. I felt my lungs fill and then the oxygen disperse throughout, as if my body was incorporating a newness of thought and awareness. Could I do such a thing? Could I live with purpose, and without fear? There was only one way to find out.
► Listen on DSound
► Listen from source (IPFS)
Previous post: NAQUOYA'S BOOK REVIEWS - The Girl Who Played With Fire - Steig Larsson
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you liked it then please like, comment, and follow.
@naquoya
 |  |
|---|---|
Links to earlier works
Who is Naquoya
- Fiction
My Fiction Writing Collection
Writing Myself Out of Existence
When the Levee Breaks
Reality Fading
- Blog Posts
Notes #1 - #39 - Notes From An Amateur Writer Collection
Notes #40 - Read, Write, and Face the Future
Notes #41 - What Are Some Of Your Favourite Books?
Notes #42 - Website Review: Fiction University
Notes #43 - Seeking a Community Of Writers
Notes #44 - What Are Some of Your Favourite Characters?
Notes #45 - When Madness Came Knocking
Notes #46 - Why Do I Write?
Notes #47 - Books vs Movies: Who Wore it Better?
Notes #48 - Google Seems to Know Me too Well
Notes #49 - Conversation With My Multiple Selves
Notes #50 - Revisiting Childhood With Storm Boy and Mr Percival
Notes #51 - Some Of The Books That I Am Reading
Notes #52 - A Nomadic Australian Celebrates Australia Day
Notes #53 - Finding the Right Character For the Job
Notes #54 - But First Coffee
-Ramble On (Humour based fictional travel blog)
#1 - Introducing My New Travel Blog
#2 - Making a Deal With the Devil
#3 - Getting Arrested, For Resisting Arrest
Reviews
Crooked God Machine - Autumn Christian
Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
Altered Carbon - Richard Morgan
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep - Philip K. Dick
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
-Curation Posts
The Library #1
The Library #2
-Poetry
My Poetry Collection
@naquoya ---> Due to a recent oversight, one of your posts included in our group curation project which was eligible for an upvote with a nice little reward attached did not receive this vote.
If you will contact me with the title of a post which is still pre-payout and which you have not put in post-promotion -- and do not intend to, I'll be glad to hit that one with an upvote from our group account to make you whole again.
Thank you for helping me correct this error. I apologize for any inconvenience. (If for some reason this doesn't work for you, I have a Plan B which I guarantee will.)
@enchantedspirit ---> curator at @thesteemengine
This is one that hasn't been put into the post promotion channel (if I've understood you correctly) The Library. It is about 4 days old, so I wont be putting it in there now. I do appreciate your efforts here.
I'll get to it right away. Thank you for your help.
Edit: Done ... and done! We put a 100% upvote from the group account on the one you've noted here ... and a vote from me for your trouble. Again, thank you for your help. @naquoya
You know, I've been meaning to do something like this for several months now. I've often played with the idea of doing an audio version for A Day in the Clouds but I never got to it. I actually started drafting an audio-only story, so that's still at play. But, enough about me.
Mate, this is really heart rending. Coupled with your voice, this story really pulled on the heartstrings. Not ashamed to admit it, my eyes glazed up a bit. I read it as I was listening to your voice. It's not what I expected you to sound like, but now I'll only ever read your stories with that voice in mind. This is just all kinds of awesome, and I feel like this is up there as your best stories here so far. Amazing job with this, brother!
I should have done it in my Aussie accent. Forgot about that. I have had the idea for awhile, and I've noticed others starting to do this also, so I figured why not. Give it a go. Hopefully I wont come out of it a complete twat. So far so good it seems. You should give your idea a go. See how it works out.
It was deep, it just came out of nowhere. The best way I can describe it is like I was having a conversation with my future self (and he was trying to steer me on a different path so as not to end up as him).
Glad you could feel this one. I wasn't too sure if it would translate well or not.
It's becoming a thing? Huh... Might just wait for it to die down before I post mine haha!
Yours was done so beautifully, mate! Never think otherwise. I think it's a great complement to the story. Having the actual author's voice beats other narrators. I've been into audiobooks for the past months, so reading the text while listening is an awesome experience.
Hopefully if doesn't become too much of a thing. I saw a few recent posts. So no discernible trend that I can see, just yet.
Thanks for the encouragement. I was actually pleasantly surprised, but it did take a big shake up of my generally introverted self to put that out there. Glad I did do it though.
Man, I'm glad you decided to go through with it! I hope it did give you some much needed catharsis!
It did yes. It was another challenge to face (in my own time) and overcome. 2018 has started well. That's a good sign.
Onwards and upwards, I say. Never mind the bumps, let's just focus on the successes!
Sounds like a plan. Best way to use our precious time.
Congratulations! This post has been chosen as one of the daily Whistle Stops for The STEEM Engine!
You can see your post's place along the track here: The Daily Whistle Stops, Issue # 36 (2/4/18)
The STEEM Engine is an initiative dedicated to promoting meaningful engagement across Steemit. Find out more about us and join us today!
Your voice is lovely as is your pace in reading this. The material itself is also exceptional, and I am grateful to have heard it.
Thank you for listening, and your encouragement. Putting my voice out there (beyond just the written word) was a first for me, but I liked how it eventuated. So happy to hear you did too, that means a lot. All the best.
You're quite a talented writer. I'm very conscious of my struggle to overcome fear. It's an everyday battle. As for finding peace when death is knocking on the door, I have witnessed this in my personal life. When my mother was dying from cancer years ago, she had an invincible aura of peace about her. Thanks for this writing. It reminded me of how strong my mother was.
Thank you for sharing about your mother. I appreciate it, and understand what you mean by seeing just how strong she really was. It is a strength, but one born of peace and acceptance. One of life's mysteries. That was what I was trying to communicate in this writing. But fear can be such a constant reality.
I read it first and then listened. These words in your own voice made the difference for me. Fear is like a rust spot, a small little spec is no problem, clean it up and a little protective coating of wax and the rust is gone and no damage done. Left unattended too and allowed to go unchecked and that same little spec of rust will expand into a severe case that can eat away strong metals, the same goes for fear it will eat away at a person until there is nothing left of them. Just my opinion though, I look forward and I will keep you in prayer.
Glad to know hearing it in my voice made a difference. That's valuable feedback. Do you generally have a preference between written books and audio?
I like your analogy of fear being like rust. It's very apt. Thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts and kind words.
I generally like to read lengthy books, because I can start and stop with them very easily by just slipping in a book mark at the page . Short stories that I can listen to in one shot I like on audio as I enjoy hearing them without interruption, so it really comes down to the length of the book with me.
I tend to prefer reading to audiobooks. Interesting to hear you prefer short stories in audio. That's good to know. And some people love audiobooks, so considering branching out to cater for that audience too if it's wanted. Thanks again for your feedback.
I love the rhythm of your sentences and the vibrant images you’re creating. Looking forward to reading more of your work, followed! :)
Thank you for your kind and generous feedback. Given the subject matter I was unsure of how this would eventuate, but I felt I had the flow right. Good to know that others are appreciative of this work also.
And thanks for the follow :)
So many things I've ended with "only one wait to find out." Enjoyed the listen.
Enter the great unknown. I hope it's not too cliche! But yes, it explains a new chapter about to begin succinctly. Thanks for the comment and for having a listen.
Great write, I love the audio. Your similes and analogies are becoming very poetic.
Reading it allowed actually helped me hone the piece, and as I was listening to myself speak it, I could feel the poetry in it. Perhaps that is why I decided to start my audio experience with this one. Glad it came through to you that way also.
Apart from the story that made my feelings go like a yo-yo, you've got a ridiculously mesmerizing voice.
I used a mesmeric filter - it obviously works! But seriously, thank you. As long as it's not off putting.
And yes the story pulls on your heart strings. Thanks for your comment.
It definitely works for me. :)
I appreciate the encouragement :)