Getting real about the fact that smoking has been a soother for me, I've been questioning what it is in fact I've been soothing....where do these discomforts in me stem from?

This morning I wrote down a bunch of core points from my childhood...This stemmed as an outflow of me questioning my self-judgement. Why am I so Quick To Judge Myself as Either Up or Down?

What came up was a number of points of "Input" from my formative years which showed a correlation to developing a tendency in mind to be very fast in judgement....like becoming my own prisoner of war...and or police man in the head kind of thing.

• Cops and Robbers

• Cowboys and Indians

• Guns

• Weapons

• Shooting things

• Hitting things

• Attacking

• Play Fighting

• Wrestling

• Tricks

• Jokes

• Cheating

• Stealing

• For Fun to See what I can get away with

• War

• Battle

• Killing

• Punishment

• Torture

• Solitary Confinement

• Escape From Prison

• Bad Guys are Getting Away...

• Break The Rules...

• Not Listening

• Playing Along To Get Your Way

• Getting the Prize Money

• Winning the Trophy

• Getting the Reward

• Parades

• Celebration of Victory - Championship

• Law and Order Tv Show

• Homicide Detective Shows

• Profiling Suspects

• Guilty Until Proven Innocent

• Good Guys Versus Bad Guys

• Trouble Makers

How I learned to play was mostly in conflict against someone...Some kind of body contact for fun. Hockey became a natural outlet for all this fighting in me as I got a bit older.

• Not suppose to hurt each other...but pushing the boundary always to see how far things could be pushed in terms of being "allowed"...without getting punished my parents.

• Fascinating to me that I could be allowed to hurt my younger brother with toy weapons that were given to me.

• The more I could hurt....the more intense the fight....the greater the thrill in me.

In recognizing that I had a lot of pretty bad parental supervision in terms of the things I was inputting and giving attention to in my early years.

I think the one thing that's been my saving grace from having not gone completely bonkers off the deep end...is Shame. Unfortunately...I acted out much harm to friends, family, and others - before realizing and recognizing my shame.

Today I was also questioning the fact that in some ways I've always been holding onto the emotion of the Shame as like a deep sadness and sorrow within myself.

The way I've been living my life throughout my adult life has been seriously strained - I've confused my needs quite extensively - I've always placed an emphasis on the need to be "happy"...and my "happiness" has always been connected to me being engaged in some sort of self-interest...where it's like I have lots of "soothers" in my life to keep me busy and preoccupied without ever really questioning or considering my formative years and what has been eating me up inside since like forever ago.

Deeper Realizations

I realize that my childhood /Formative years weren't all bad and I did have some good Inputs too. Though I do recognize the importance and self-responsibility to pull out all the weeds from within myself that aren't really supporting the best of myself.

It's become more clear to me just how imperative it is as a parent to really work with your child to make sure there isn't misalignments on the information that is being imprinted within them on a daily basis - like the importance of word regard and the correlation to our emotions and feelings...is a pretty huge deal.

This process has been rather intense for me - I am committed to investigating the deepest depths of myself no matter how uncomfortable it is to see and realize the harsh truths.

I realize I do not require to beat myself up in facing harsh truths...and that I am committed to taking the chillaxed approach of openness, understanding, learning, growth, maturity and awareness.

I realize that as I challenge myself to face my most challenging faces, I am able to share and support others to do the same.

I realize deep down within myself I really do like challenging myself in the very best of ways. I realize it's not like being high in some fixed state and there's a whirlwind of experiences that arise in any journey of really challenging yourself in walking through the unknown of yourself.

Day 5 - No Smoking - 21 Day Challenge - "I've Been Really Hard on Myself"

(recording came out sideways...not sure why...wasn't sure how to fix it....ooops)

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