My Creative Journey 38
Fuck it. I'm wrecked. Tired, worn out, depressed...it's not been a good day. I dropped into a nasty funk last night while I was trying to shoot my friends birthday after work. It should have been a great time, but, instead it reminded me of a lot of things that I've buried deep. Now that I have some cash in my pocket from this job my scarcity thinking has been removed which unmasks a lot of other stuff I've managed to repress in my desperate search for money. And, no, in case anyone is wondering, the skulls I'm painting and my mood have no relation.
That being said, after I got home late last night I figured there was one way I could relieve some of the dark thoughts that were brewing in my head...painting. And, it did help, at least while I was in the midst of it. I think I said something about that in my last post, about how it's easy to lose yourself in the moment when creating, to leave the past and future behind and just focus on the now. I used that unhappy energy to work on these two pieces.
I veered away from the postcards, which was a bit scary, and headed straight for the 9x12. In my mood I was worried that I'd fuck up, and a piece of paper would be ruined, but, I didn't let that worry rule me. With the money I have coming in, messing up a couple sheets, hell, a couple books, wouldn't matter, so I took refuge in that. Getting back into challenging myself is also a goal of mine. I realized the other day why I haven't been stretching as much as I had been in the past. It revolves around psychology.
As human beings, we are limited on our mental energy, no matter how strong we think we are. There are so many decisions we can make in a day before that judgement begins to become flawed. That's why you'll notice truly successful businesspeople generally stick to a similar outfit every day. They now that their brain energy is more valuable used elsewhere. If you don't believe me, Google it. Cutting out decisions that really aren't that important frees up your mind...so spending day after day, picture after picture, deciding what tags go on what images...well, you can guess how tired my brain is by the time I get back to my paints.
But, all that aside, my work from yesterday.
If you've been following my journey, I'm sure you've seen the progression. Despite my messed up mood thanks to my evil companion (depression), I knew that I'd leveled up. The lines are tighter, the forms more accurate, things are coming in to place. What I did notice was how I did my lines. The thing that gives these life...well, the ones that have the most life (to me) have a very certain style. I followed my own advice and actually took the time to go through them and figure it out. What it is...well, that I'm not going to say. Not because I'm worried that someone will steal the technique, that's just stupid. But, because I'm going to work on it and see if y'all can figure it out yourselves.
Looking back at the work I did at the very beginning of this phase...damn they look like children scribbles. But, that's all a part of the journey. No one starts at the end. Everyone starts at the same place. Some move forward faster than others. That's just the way it goes. I'm proud of where I've come from, and excited about where all this might go.
For now, though, my head is fucked up and I'm in a nasty funk. I've been here before, and I know I'll be here again. The key is to accept that and to ride out the storm. I've got some people around me, and things I can do, to help with it. So that's my plan for the evening...dealing with, or rather, not dealing with the nasty feelings roiling around in my skull.
Fuck. Depression. It is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Other than loneliness, I think it's the worst feeling in the world...and I've been through some pretty messed up shit. It puts this nasty shade on your world that doesn't really exist, and even though you know through logic it's wrong...we are still emotional beings at our core.
So, thanks everyone for stopping by and checking my creative journey out. To some it's interesting, others it's boring, but to me it's my life and I appreciate you being a part of it :)
Wessel
Previous posts:
My Creative Journey 36 + 37 + Watch me Paint! Ep. 16
My Creative Journey 35 + Watch me Paint! Ep. 15
My Creative Journey 33 + Watch me Paint! Ep. 14
My Creative Journey 32 + Watch me Paint! Ep. 13
My Creative Journey 31 + Watch me Draw! Ep. 7
My Creative Journey 30 + Watch me Paint! Ep. 12
My Creative Journey 29 + Watch me Draw! Ep. 06
My Creative Journey 28
My Creative Journey 27
My Creative Journey 26 + Watch me Paint! Ep. 11
My Creative Journey 25 + Watch me Draw! Ep. 05
My Creative Journey 24 + Watch me Draw! Ep. 04
My Creative Journey 23 + Watch me Paint! Ep. 010
My Creative Journey 22
My Creative Journey 21 + Watch me Paint! Ep. 09
My Creative Journey 20 + Watch me Draw! Ep. 03
My Creative Journey 19 + Watch me Draw! Ep. 02
My Creative Journey 18 + Watch me Draw! Ep. 01
My Creative Journey 17
My Creative Journey 16
My Creative Journey 15 PT 2 + Watch Me Paint! Ep. 08
My Creative Journey 14 + Watch Me Paint! Ep. 07
My Creative Journey 13 + Watch Me Paint! Ep. 06
My Creative Journey 12 + Watch Me Paint! Ep. 05
My Creative Journey 11 + Watch Me Paint! Ep. 04
My Creative Journey 10 + Watch Me Paint! Ep. 03
My creative journey 9
My creative journey 8
My creative journey 7
My creative journey 6
My creative journey 5
My creative journey 4
My creative journey 3
My creative journey 2
My creative journey 1
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Michael, I glad your painting gives you some relief. The skull is shaping up.
You mentioned decisions like similar clothing every day to free the mind up for more important ones. Well, when you get older like me, you can’t remember a hell of a lot anyway so that’s taken care of. 😃
Lol, hopefully by the time I get old that's the only thing I'll be thinking about...how to look all dapper.
Yeah, I'm really happy that the lines are getting better. Still a ways to go, but I think soon there will be some different stuff going up. This gig is ending tomorrow so as of Saturday I'll be able to dedicate 100% to this again. :)
STOPGreat post @mikesthoughts and I appreciate your being able to discuss the topic of depression. I truly understand. Hope you have a beautiful and happy day today!! ❤
Yeah, I'm not shy about my depression. It's not a focus of my life, because I hate when people do that, but it is a daily thing I have to deal with, and trying to hide it doesn't help. The stigma that people who admit to depression get is unbelievable and undeserved. As a community we used to support people in pain, now we ostracize them. Fucked up. I mean, if my friends don't know, how are they supposed to react/act when I have my bad days. Not being honest with them means not being honest with myself about what that aspect of me...whether it's permanent, long term, or just passing.
I hope you have an awesome day as well!
Depression bites. Sorry you are experiencing that, and I applaud you for breaking out the paints and creating anyway.
Yeah, it does. It's been a constant companion going on 7 years now. I have no idea if I'll ever make it through, or if it will be a constant companion until my last day...but, I learned a while back not to let it stop me, and to try and use the energy that's created by those bad times. I try and take breaks when I can, and when I can't, I'm like the Kool-aid man busting through a wall, lol.
Thanks for stopping by! I hope you have a great day :)