Fathers and their sons - a very special relationship
Immediately after birth, it is the mother who first holds the newborn in her arms. The father first plays the second violin. But if the offspring is a boy, comes to the father a lot. As a dad, as a role model, as a man. And of course as a "hero".
A father is actually "several fathers" in the course of his life. After all, a toddler needs very different things from a schoolchild, a boy who enters puberty or a young adult. In this way, the father always faces new challenges. Basically, he always has to be a role model. But if the son is even smaller, that is often much easier than later, when the eyes of the son changes. Also on the father.
Thunderstorm in the forest
What an adult can be an impressive spectacle of nature can become an experience for a four-year-old. You may have just sung songs with your little one, walked over hill and dale and explained to him what kind of animals there are in the forest. The next moment it starts to thunder. Now you have to radiate serenity, you are the one who has to take the little man's fear of the thunderstorm. That's no big deal, but it has a big impact. A frightening thunderstorm in a dark forest, thunder and lightning flashes can cause a four-year-old boy to nibble on it for a long time. Or, that many years later, even with a smile, he remembers how you calmed him down.
Excursion without cancellation
For little boys, dads are always heroes. They are big, they are strong, they can do anything, no obstacle can stop them. But sons are getting older too. And if you're dealing with a twelve- or thirteen-year-old, it may happen that your heroic role is no longer in the foreground. Especially since your son starts to go his own way. At some point, the point is almost always that sons stay away longer than they should. To be worried, to pick up the phone, to call friends, to find out where the boy is. Maybe this is (maybe even) not so bad for your son. Rather cool. He may have stayed with a few buddies at the lake and is not aware of any guilt. You do not think it's cool at all, and you do not have to. Of course, every dad wants to have a good relationship with his son. Of course, every father wants the son to gain experience. But at the same time, it is about borders that can not be crossed. In such a situation, you are not a hero. You are someone who determines the rules of the game. You need to make it clear to your son that he now has some responsibility. That will not happen smoothly. But a dad can not always be just the buddy.
Teaching or emptiness?
At some point it gets really serious. At some point it's about a reasonable school graduation, the education, maybe a study or even a stay abroad. As a father you can see it exactly when the reluctance in the school increases. When puberty plays with the son's hormones and makes sensible decisions almost impossible. They want to make it clear to him how important it is right now, in the last few years before graduation, to work towards a good diploma. You talk to your son about job opportunities, about the hard world we all live in, about the importance of the next years. They want to make it clear to him that now is the time to lay the foundation for the next few years, maybe decades. You can also put it another way: you are afraid.
You always run the risk of not reaching your son. Or let him drop your speech into a state of listlessness. It is a doom-loop. On the one hand, you want your son to be as he is. On the other hand, you may feel that he just can not understand what is at stake for him. And with that you may even be right. However, it does not change that at some point you will have little or no influence. You have to do something that hurts a dad: you have to let your son have his experiences. Because you can not inherit him, unfortunately, not.
At eye level
You know that you are old when you sit with a grown man who is your son and talks to you about education issues. You know that you are only a guest in the life of your son, that he has long since taken the helm himself and only lets you participate in his life as an outsider. But you also know that you have done many things right in your own upbringing. Otherwise your son would not be with you
I´m looking forward to your experiences and additions.
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