I've played on many teams throughout my life. Both competitively and recreationally. A point that has just come to surface for me is how my team play has always been kind of limited in my development.

Let me explain what I mean:

Within the sports that I've played both recreationally and competitively there's been this point of preoccupation on my individual performance and my individual stats. Where it's like my individuality...my ego has always overridden the greater good as the whole team here. It's been a point of blockage in my outlook and regard.

How has the greater good of the team always been a point of blockage in my outlook and regard?

I've always been caught up in my own self-interest to an extent. Where my self-interest becomes a sort of obsession where the only one that can exist within the thinking is me and it's about me, me, me and what do I got...and within this judging and comparing myself against the rest of my teammates as like how well did I score with my individual stats in the eventual final outcome of the game.

The even more ridiculous regard here is that I've been both the captain and or assistant captain - leadership positions on multiple teams.

And I can see I was never really at my utmost potential within these points. There always existed within me a point of judgement about my fellow mates. If you were like me and you put up "good stats" then my judgement was positive and favorable. If you were my teammate and you stats and overall play was filled with more errors and consequently costly to you captilazing on your individual stats...and even costly to the team as in like unforced errors - I was a real dick and asshole...I basically didn't like you because I didn't think you were good enough. It's like I judged you and defined you as inferior to me in some ways.

The above paragraph is an incredibly shameful confession on my part. It's the exact opposite of what makes a good leader and team player.

I was always so self obsessed with the experience of myself and the experience of myself has mostly always been fuelled by my own self-judgements of what is good or bad. And strangely enough somehow I wired it into my thinking and basic associations in my environment that a 'reward' is good and not getting a reward is bad. The not getting a reward being more associated with bad behavior and punishment. I got punished a lot as a child for 'misbehaving' and 'acting out'.

In some ways I see that I kept this mentality within myself and into my extended networks of team play - it's like I became so obsessed with winning and getting the trophy....the reward....the recognition and the praise - I was like a really crazy fucker - in that I really did lack a lot of sportsmanship conduct in that I was always willing to fight and cheat...do whatever I could get a way with to win. I mean this includes all ways in which you could get a competitive edge on the opposing squad - I speak mostly here about hockey - but there was a lot of soccer too. Looking to see if the official was paying attention so I could decide whether or not I could get away with giving my opponent a quick jab of sorts...a really cheap shot that would compromise their stability and positioning - giving me a competitive edge to get open and score or to steal the puck by having taken the other dude out of the play in a way that was less than credible.

I am seeing how this mentality of being a fighter of sorts has been very limiting to the best developments within my life and living. On a deep level within myself it's like I have always been fighting for my limitation and lone wolfing it - even within on teams - it's like the camaraderie from my team sports was limited in scope from the perspective that it was often focused around stroking are own egos as like being superior to our peers because our team was the best and being so caught up in being like this jock who is a real asshole and insensitive.

I've been posting a Vince Lombardi quote at the end of my posts for a little while as this has been a somewhat unconscious point of regard that I've been becoming conscious of - that being the regard for the 'greater good'. The greater good including: myself, my family, my friends, my associates, my neighbors, my communities, groups, online and offline, my house, my town/city, my country, and the world.

It's not about the score keeping stats as like defining and judging people from within a starting point of either or. Like your either a winner or a loser. I realize the deeper point of contention is this is the way I've accepted and allowed myself to view and regard myself. Where it's like I've always been competing within myself...like treating living like this fight...this competition where it's winner take all the expense of the majority. I never really took the time to articulate this for myself - so writing it here for me is rather revealing and exposing - as it's only quite recently have I gone into the deeper layers of my acceptances and allowances....programming hard wired into me from years earlier that's just been running in kind of an autopilot as who I've accepted and allowed myself to become.

So I am making changes in my character. I've recognized this to be a point of taking the communication with myself and so others a bit more seriously. I see that within being rather quick to judge - I've been rather quick to speak my mind - and what I didn't realize the extent to which I've been mirroring and revealing to myself the less than stellar qualities I've learned and integrated over the years. I regard these less than stellar qualities to be points of instability in me living and standing as the best version of myself. In being forced to slow down and reassess how I am regarding for my body - it's been quite revealing how this injury process of self-correction I'm walking has been like this massive accumulation of compounded shit that I've been ineffective with sorting through in years prior. In some ways this is showcasing to myself that I've always kind of been bouncing around within my own discontent - fighting to get my way - living entirely for myself without ever really being the best team player and mate.

I realize it's within this willingness to be vulnerable in opening up sensitive points within myself - ironically the points in which I have been insensitive and resistant to taking responsibility for. I realize my strength is in exercising my response ability to account for my mistakes, learning from them and making corrections. I realize in a very unconscious way I've victimized myself within a lot of my past transgressions and that I just basically suppressed it and motivated my focus and living to be distracted in a way...like the kid in the candy shop from the perspective of being possessed with all the choices of desire to go after. This chasing after desire from this perspective became like an outflow of my earlier competitive sporting days - where work and business became just a means of competing to get money...and from here it became a means of more competing in terms of what extracurricular activities can I create for myself - always kind of short sighted within it - because I would be looking for a charge as stimulation to instigate a sort of effortless trance like movement of keeping on with the point - like a possession of sorts that I need to get that momentary experience of winning by completing the goal/target.

To Be Continued

Let me know what you think - Have you any perspective and or support on this topic of investigation.?

For me this is a real eye opener into the extent in which our best response ability can be compromised within imprinted mind programming from years earlier.

My Body is precious and I've decided to care for it. Creating responsibility for my sculpture - my life.
@worldclassplayer

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