What I Learned from Giving Up Alcohol for One Year (Therapy Thursday)
One year ago, I decided it was time to get healthy. I had started on my weight loss journey, finally finding some success that motivated me to make more healthy changes and I knew that the nightly drinking habit needed to go. I wasn't quite aware of what I was doing at the time or how significant of a choice it would be.
My goal, at the time, was to stop drinking for one month and see what happened. As it turns out... I just pretty much quit... and didn't pick it up again. I have had maybe three times of drinking since then, but all they did was really point out how much a shitty, negative, all encompassing effect it has on my mental health.
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These are kind of obvious, but weren’t enough to inspire me to quit in the first place. They were nice side effects, though:
- I saved money. Even though I drank at home, and cheaply at that, it was still a daily cost that I was incurring. Giving it up left a little bit of cash in the budget that hadn’t been there before.
I started feeling much more positive. I knew, logically, that alcohol was a depressant. More on this below
Physically, the excess weight just continued to fall off. Once I found ways to sleep, it became less and less of a temptation. I had been using it to calm my anxiety so I could sleep at night and the lack of it was HARD... but once I got over the hump, my sleep improved. I wasn't waking up after 4-5 hours of sleep because the alcohol had worn off.
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I had to avoid making plans for a while. I don't have the type of friends who would every give me a hard time about drinking. I'm not sure I've ever had those kind of friends. However, I also didn't want to tempt myself by going places where drinking was the normal thing. To be fair, this wasn't something I did often, but I did end up leaving a friend hanging on a fairly big event because I couldn't commit to going and was feeling really fucking anxiety ridden about cancelling. It was a shitty thing to do, but in the end, I couldn't bring myself to stop my self imposed... abstinence.
The Vicious Cycle I couldn’t seem to get past the vicious cycle of alcohol making me depressed = needing to escape from my shitty feelings. It was really fucking difficult. Then add on top of that the fact that giving up alcohol results in extra anxiety and insomnia at first… well, it was really hard for those reasons alone.
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I had to deal with myself. A large part of my drinking was self medicating. I was using it to avoid dealing with some of my own shit. To be fair to myself, I did deal with a LOT of shit and get through some major emotional trauma. I was generally fairly hardcore about wanting to deal with my shit, but still… the daily grind of having so many emotional struggles is wearing, to say the least. Giving up that crutch gave me the ability to start dealing with things (most apparent in my physical weight loss, but it went so far beyond that. I’d stopped drinking for 6 months before and hadn’t seen anywhere NEAR the same level of changes. Not with my weight, my emotional health, none of it. This time it was significantly different. I may get into my thoughts on that in the future… but for now, let’s just say that this time it was SO much more productive of a change than it had been in the past.
I had to forgive myself. One thing that I am proud of is breaking so many generational cycles of dysfunction/abuse with my own children. We cut toxic family out of our lives and raised our children in a completely different environment. This was one toxic behavior that followed me and although 99.9% of the time, I only drank at night, I know that the effect that had on stunting my emotional health wasn’t good for any of us.
A large part of me wanted to beat myself up for that, to just do the whole self abuse thing that had always been my habit. However, I also knew that if I really wanted to heal from this, from all of it and not be dragged back into the cycles of abuse, I had to forgive myself. That was hard, but I think that it was part of the reason that I feel so… free… from it all. In a way that hasn’t happened before. Not ever.
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All in all, I feel better. Stronger, emotionally, mentally, physically. This was the time, and whether it was just timing or my circumstances at the time that made it easier for me, I’m not sure. Maybe it was a combination of things. Looking back now, a year later, I am so glad that I was able to make this choice and that it didn’t have an even more negative effect on my life than it did. I’m very fortunate and I am grateful.
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I am big on "keeping it real" in life. I'm pretty fucking real with everyone, including my friends, my kids, my husband and I like to think... with myself. I'm often in a mindset of trying to figure out what makes me tick, what causes me to make the choices I make.
THIS, however, was one way in which I hid from my own self. I kept this veneer of the appearance of happy... or at least, maybe more like content. Maybe it's just what I needed at the time while I worked through other shit. That's not an excuse, I mean I wish I'd made different choices, but what's done is done.
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I hate to think that I just have 15 years of regret just sitting there, weighing on me, accomplishing nothing. If I've learned nothing else this year, beating myself up doesn't cause anything good. Dealing with shit and moving along is the only way I can go on. So that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give myself some grace and I'm going to give myself some credit for making the change when I did. Better late than never...
That being said, this was a bit of an emotional thing to write and I need to bring it to a close. I'm feeling quite a bit more... raw than I expected to be after writing this. I really thought it was no big deal, but DAMN.
I’m happy answering questions and will probably write more on this subject later. I know I will. At any rate, thanks for reading my rambling…
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If you’re interested in more thoughts, I made a video about this, too. It's mainly just more of me talking about other aspects of this issue. How it started for me, a tiny bit of my history, etc. I may post that tomorrow if anyone wants to see it. For now, I'm going to leave you with this (something that's fairly unlike me, but I couldn't be more serious...)
The best way to heal yourself, is to learn to love yourself.
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Extremely well written, it's a difficult subject to open up about and share - but it's good you were strong enough to do so because it will help others that might be in similar situations see there is another way.
#thealliance
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Thank you. I'm all about sharing from my own mistakes. If anyone gleans any wisdom or inspiration, then it's worth it. :) I appreciate the support!
Thank you for writing this! Real and raw and so needing to be told. You said "better late than never" and I hope that you are (as I feel you should be) damn proud of yourself for not giving in and letting the cycle repeat!
Forgiving ourselves when we know all of the deep and dark little thing that we've ever done or thought feels overwhelming. Guilt and regrets stack up and it feels like drowning in a pool with a million hoses flooding in and no way to reach the surface. Easier just to sink than try to float let alone swim to the edge to turn those bastards off. It makes believing people when they say they love you impossible since you can't see what they love.
It is beyond wonderful that you found a way to heal, forgive and make peace with your choices and truly have love for yourself! Huge Hug!
I really REALLY appreciate your support. I was really shocked by how hard this was to write... and then share. I'm all about being an open book, especially if there is something I've been through that might help someone else. But still, this really drained me more than I expected. I truly appreciate all of the supportive comments.
Thank you.
Also, THIS:
I mean DAMN, you NAILED it.
@byn, This is such a fantastic post. I'm grateful you are sharing this piece of your journey. Mental wellness and alcohol most often do not make a great cocktail. Your choice to step away from consumption for your health is amazing. Well done!
Thank you! <3 I am all about sharing from my own life lessons/mistakes! You've really inspired me to start writing about my own inner 'stuff' again.
Well written and very honest @byn, which is a great step towards healing. By initially deciding you would give it one month was a good way to start, as you didn't pressurise yourself. And then you achieved success and have stuck to it for a year, with no intention of falling back .... absolutely awesome doll!
I've lived with alcohol abuse my entire 60 years, firstly my dad and now my husband. He had a particularly bad incident 2 weeks ago which almost devastated our family (I have a 26 year old son and 1 year old granddaughter). Thank God it became the turning point - I've just read your post to him, with some of the comments by others, to encourage him on his new journey. We've made some massive changes to facilitate this journey, which is important.
I'm sad you experienced sexual abuse, my husband did too in the boys' home in which he was placed. It is a very difficult thing to deal with.
Although I don't know you, I'm very proud of you for what you've achieved and for your courage, and thank you for sharing it. Much love.
Thank you for sharing your story! My husband is giving up the alcohol now, too. It is so hard to do and the first month is really hard. Research all you can about that first few months and weeks so you can know more of what to expect. It makes it a little easier (or at least did for me) to know what was coming...
I wish you the very best and please let me know how it goes. <3
Good news that your husband is giving up as well, it's very hard to stop when those around you are still drinking. On the plus side here, my husband is talking about things now, and realizing the severity of the situation. It would be nice to keep in touch, I think we all need encouragement.
I had to stop by and see the post you mentioned in the comment you left today. Go you! Any time is a great time to make the change and I’m glad you have learned the art of self forgiveness and grace. Powerful Raw and True = beauty!!!!
Thank you. Self forgiveness is the hardest thing for me to do! Much harder than anything else I've ever had to learn, I think. I've always been very hard on myself. Thank you for the support.
I hear ya. Self love is something I think most of us need to get with!!! Being hard on ourselves is almost programmed into us.. takes much more courage to forgive and create the lives we want 💙
I couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for your supportive words. It really helped me to see them tonight. <3
Well first congratulations on your one year. Sounds like you've really gained so much from giving it up and focusing on your health. I love how honest and open you have been about it all. It must of been difficult to write and I'm so happy that you had the courage to share such an intimate side of yourself.
Thank you! It has been good look look back on and talk about... but man, it was harder than I expected it to be (the sharing/writing of it, not the giving it up) and I was pretty drained and a little tense about the reaction I might get.
I appreciate your support so much!
It's always nerve wrecking when share something so intimate about ourselves and I always experience the same kind feeling.
I'm glad you're feeling better! That wasn't an easy thing to do, I admire your strength :)
Thank you. I really am appreciating all of the wonderful supportive comments. Not only for myself, but if anyone reads who needs to see that there IS support out there, this has been a great experience.
That was a very honesty post, thank you. I know you're not justifying the behaviour when you say that it might be what you needed, but that's a great way to understand it. We all have things in our past we would change, but then we're not sure if we would have ended up being better off, sometimes it seems to be the only way to cope.
When I suffered through depression, I looked forward for Saturday night clubbing and binge-drinking. Sure, half the times alcohol made me more depressed and I ended up being worse, but somehow I was out of touch with my depression for some of that time. And as bad as that may be, I still think it's better than if I stayed home defeated and let depression be the winner. Luckily, once I got out of depression, I stopped drinking altogether (since I know one drink may lead to many and that leads to consequences). I truly appreciate your honesty!
Exactly. I only drank at night, just before bed. I have been dealing with the ramifications of years and years of sexual abuse as a child and night time was always the worst. The insomnia and anxiety was horrible. Even by the time I'd conquered those demons (at least mostly), the drinking to 'chill' at the end of the night was a deeply ingrained habit. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I guess it took me a long time to actually quit for longer than just a few months at a time.
Depression is so hard to deal with, because it really does just deceive your brain as to what is real and what isn't. It just makes everything in the moment feel like the worst thing ever.
I had those earlier years of binge drinking and clubbing, too, but then spent my entire 20's having babies and breastfeeding and being all healthy granola mommy type... then the reality of ignoring my issues hit, I guess.
I really appreciate your comment and your support.
Fair play to ya and definitely better late than never.
I don't know how old you are but getting into middle age is exactly the right time to leave the bad behaviours behind. Many things for which our bodies can compensate in our youth, have much more far-reaching consequences for our health as we age.
I'll be 47 this year. So true that things are easier when we're younger. I'm just glad I never got into anything ELSE addictive, so all I had to quit was alcohol. Thanks for the support.
I really need to cut back/quit as well...thanks for putting it all out there and sharing your experiences!
Following you!
Thank you! I wish you the best of luck!
Thank You!