Confessions of a People Pleaser...
Oh why is he not smiling at me?
Did I do something wrong?
Did I not dress up like he wanted?
Or is it something wrong I said?
He hasn't uttered a word of admiration to me..
Oh this is killing me inside..
If only he would just tell me I look good enough, I am good enough..
Oh why does she not agree with me?
Is she mad at me?
Is it because I went against her just once?
Or is it because I dared disagree with her?
Or is it because I did not run an errand for her?
If only she would speak to me nicely and tell me I am her best friend...
Oh what can I do to make him happier with me?
What if I let go of my desires and work harder to please him?
Or how about I earn more for him?
Or how about I stop pursuing my passions and give him all of my time..
Maybe then he would tell me I'm his queen..
Maybe then he would tell me he'd never leave me alone..
Today I did everything as they wanted...
I dressed up nicely just like he wanted..
I ran all her errands for her..
I did not go against them..
I was on my toes all day long..
I did not say anything wrong and said all the right words..
Even then, they hate me..
Even then, they haven't spoken nicely to me..
Oh how bad this hurts..
How i feel pained and lost..
Oh why is this so bad..
Oh why...
I know I am not a poet and am not good at it at alll like I know how bad I am at writing poems and even rhyming plain stuff so I get it that what I wrote above wasn't good, but it came straight from my heart. It describes my feelings and emotions that I nurtured and experienced deeply sometime back. Yes, I was once a people pleaser and had gone so overboard with it that it hurt me real bad. I was living a life that was hardly my own. A life that I lived mainly to keep others around me happy. A life that I had no control over. A life I was just living mechanically and that killed me from within.
If I am really honest with myself and all of you, getting approval and appreciation from others and being acknowledged for good things is a part of my personality. I like being heard, getting validation and credit for my work and being the one people come to for advice because I enjoy and love listening to people, am a pretty good listener and a great secret keeper. I explored myself a lot for that and realized that keeping people happy, listening to them and being appreciated for being a compassionate being is a part of me and I am fine with it.
While that is who I am, I had turned into a person who just lived for others and ignored all her own needs and I basically used that as a criterion to measure a good life. If I ever dared say no to those whom I wanted to please, I ended up feeling really bad. It wasn’t that those people used to complain often. I had somehow nurtured the belief that if I do anything differently or don’t do them a favor, they would get mad. I was creating all sorts of weird beliefs in my head. Yes, people did become offended and weren’t always nice to me if I didn’t do as they wanted, but it wasn’t always that way. Often, my own thoughts were the reason why I didn’t feel at peace and that happened because I had developed a strong need to always be approved, always be appreciated and always told ‘What would we do without you Sharoon!’
Because of my own unhealthy beliefs and thoughts, I was forcing myself to be a person I really wasn’t and was always working to please others. Oh God, how burdened and pressured I feel at that time. I had developed an addiction to be liked, to be relied on, to be the one others could depend on and get praises in return. It was like I was looking for ways to do anything nice for others just so they could know how amazing I was. It may sound silly to you right now, but honestly that was how I was functioning and although I felt I enjoyed all of that and that was who I really was, it wasn’t really true. Yes, I liked to be heard and appreciated like I stated before but I had become a person who had stopped taking into account what she really wanted and just wanted to prove myself to others for no real reason. When I think back of all those times, I now realize that was why I felt really stressed and cried a lot as well not in front of others but when I was alone.
Fortunately, I came across meditation and mindfulness at that time and were able to use the two to really explore myself and understand who I really was and what was happening to me. I started paying attention to what I was doing and how that was affecting me from within, and whether or not I really wanted to please people all the time. It took me sometime to understand my unhealthy addiction and then very slowly let go of it. This meant that I had to become comfortable with when people sulked if I didn’t do what they wanted and I had to understand that I wasn’t living to please others. For instance, if I didn’t do a favor for a certain friend who had a bad habit of misusing me, I had to be alright with her sulking for a while. I had given that power to influence me and now that I wanted to be myself, I had to withstand her sulks and understand that it is okay if she feels upset for a while when things don’t go her way.
For some days, things weren’t as stable as they used to be because I was changing and changes do bring instability with them and I had to be okay with that. However, I stayed consistent and kept going forward. I stayed strong throughout that time and stopped feeding myself of the constant supply of appreciation I needed from people to stay sane. It was a hard time for me, but the silver lining came soon enough too. Within a few months, I liberated myself of that addiction and came closer to being myself. I am still nice to people and do good things to them, but I don’t just do that just to please them or just because I want them to rely or depend on me. I do that because I want to do good things for people and only when I really want to do something nice for someone. This has brought a huge sense of calmness in my life and also helped me create time for the things I really wanted to do such as writing blogs and reading more.
I don’t know if any of you can relate to that, but it was something I felt I needed to let out. Do share your thoughts on the topic please. Thank you for all your support and love.
Love and light,
Sharoon
Here are some of my article that may interest you:
To Sleep or Not to Sleep, that is the Question....
Parents- Guiding Lights or Dictators?
One Smile and a Deep Breath to Quickly Fight Stress
Why I am Grateful for My Hardships...
Why Do We Attach Unnecessary Meaning to Everything??
Why is it Okay to Be a Little Selfish, Focus on Your Needs and Communicate them to Loved Ones
Batman & Jesus: Why do we fear debate?
My Scar Stories- Reminders of Many Different Memories
I am a part of the wonderful @ecotrain that aims to make this world a better place so do join it if that's your aim too..
I love this and can completely relate to every word. I'm glad that you recognised that people pleasing tendency and took positive steps to overcome it in order to become more true to yourself - and also more true to other people, even if they weren't so pleased at first to discover they couldn't walk all over you so easily - at least they were getting the true you, not some version of you that you thought they wanted you to be... If that makes sense.
The poem was wonderful too. Seriously, I was thinking of having it framed just to look at sometimes to remind myself not to be a people pleaser. Then a saw you straightaway apologise for it! You don't need to apologise for your art.. It's who you are, and you don't need to apologise to anyone for being who you are. That's who you're supposed to be.
Aww you are too kind @stillgideon. I am not apologizing for my art, I am just a beginner at t so you know a bit of self-doubt can come in. I am glad that I stopped being a people pleaser and some people had troubles with me standing up for myself but the ones who genuinely loved me adjusted to it soon enough. I love this comment a lot <3
Interesting concept. I find that sometimes you have to be a people pleaser in order to keep the peace. There are many in this world who simply cannot move beyond a negative life character, so in order to not omit them from your lives you need to take a deep breath and help them to move on, by sometimes appeasing their attitude just to keep the peace. This is my perspective.
I do not entirely disagree with you because I have been in that place far too many times. Just to ensure there is no fight in the house or that your baby doesn't see you and your husband arguing loudly over something, you sometimes have to take the high road. However, I feel doing that too often is what makes you a pushover and makes you disregard your own being. Also, it can make you nurture a bad habit of gaining approval from others all the time just like in my case. Thank you for the meaningful comment :)
I can relate, perhaps more than I care to admit. I know that feeling, that internal chatter. That self defeating voice wanting from others what comes only from self. Then you can do or not do without fear of rejection or negative thoughts. When I finally woke up to the fact that other people are going to think and say what they are going to think and sat regardless of what we do, then it started to free me from the need to please, slowly.
Mindfulness and meditation did play a role also. Good write up about what goes on in this issue.
Yeah that internal chatter can be so maddening. It used to kill me at times and often I used to keep having an inner dialogue inside my head for hours and would wonder where all my time went. Thanks for the appreciation :)
Even thou you not good in poetry the one you drop is so meaningful @sharoonyasir
Yayy thank you for saying that. Means a lot :)
This was such an honest and heartfelt post, Sharoon. It takes a lot of courage to open up and show your vulnerabilities.
I'm glad meditation and mindfulness worked for you to find more ground within yourself. Though I would think of myself as the opposite of people-pleaser, someone who was more detached and distant, not caring for other's approval. But it took me hard work to learn to allow myself the pleasure that comes from winning approvals, and being validated. So things have taken a different turn since then.
Lots of love and strength your way, Sharoon :)
More love for you Saba! Finding a balance in everything is just so so important. Become too much of a people pleaser and you become a push-over. Become too distant from others and you start disconnecting from them. It is always things in moderation that help you live a happy, good life. :)
Absolutely. Finding the right balance where we aren't being unfair to either ourselves or to others is so hard and yet so important :)
I think what you went through is called growing up! 😉
Some people never manage.
And I think it´s also harder for people in societies with strong family bonds like in Pakistan.
Now we in the West sometimes envy strong family bonds because we have lost them in many ways, but strong family bonds in many countries are sometimes more based on economic and social pressure than on free choice.
When we are children we have to "behave", "be good" to survive and to receive love, as juveniles we want to be accepted by our peers and sometimes do stupid things to achieve that, only when we are truly grown up we can let go of all wrong notions of having to be, having to behave a certain way to be accepted.
To be truly selfless one has to realize the Self first! 😇
Yeah I did go through growing up but I guess even when we do fully grow up and have matured enough, we can experience the need to please people. But yeah being true to yourself and understanding yourself is really important.
I can absolutely relate to being a people pleaser, wanting validation and appreciation and "needing" people to be happy around me. I've come a long way, further into myself, but I still catch thoughts and insecurities sometimes that need to be addressed. Guess I'm just human. lol! Nice to know I'm not alone, though. ;)
I am soo glad I am not alone honestly! While I was writing this post, I felt that maybe people won't understand this or some may feel I am crazy, but it is comforting to know that people do understand this. I am so glad that you have come a long way from that. Loving and accepting yourself does help you battle your insecurities and get rid of unhealthy behaviors.
oh yeah you are totally not alone! but i can understand that vulnerable feeling while you're getting yourself out there. there's always that moment like -- is anybody else going to relate to me? totally not alone :)
Its good to be selfish at times. Nice write up and you are not a bad poet at all :)
Oh that's so sweet of you to say that. Thanks a lot. You made me smile :)
super great one @sharoonyasir. i too used to be a people pleaser! learning good boundaries and communication skills is #1! as far as people who will only love you if you please them, sadly we have to let our attachment to those people go. sometimes there are toxic people who will only love us if we are what they want us to be. that's not love, anyway! <3 XO
You are so amazing <3 Thanks for the lovely words and yes, getting rid of toxic people around you is just so important. I talked about that and building healthy boundaries in another post too. In this one, I was just focusing more on how my own need to gain approval from others exacerbated the situation and yeah it is linked to not being able to set healthy boundaries.
Off the topic, that's super kind and sweet of you to engage with others on this post. You are love.
<3 <3 Muah!!
and yes i see the need to do the self work and then also move into the outer realm and CLEAN UP :) heheh ! XO
And about the topic, no, I never wanted people to speak highly of me, infact sometimes, I find myself in an awkward position like what to say when people are saying good things about me in front of me. I am like bas kar do bae!
No it isn't a conflict. I don't say I am a bad writer. I am a great writer haha. It is the poetry stuff I am not good at and that's a fact so just accepting it openly. You cannot win at words with me ;) hahaha
I said something bad for the video I made for the contest, I also know that I am not good when it comes to face camera and making videos. And I know that I am good in many things then why did you give me the bhashan at that time? :D
Ache bache apni ghalti maan jate hey aur poem achi thi, seriously!
Lol acha mere baap :P
shabash beta, shabash :D