Parents- Guiding Lights or Dictators?
Being a parent is an extremely humongous responsibility. As much as it seems challenging, it is equally rewarding. It is a wonderful experience to become a parent and to get the opportunity to raise a tiny person on your own. As a parent, you have the responsibility of raising your child, nurturing him/ her, guiding him, choosing things for him/ her, making certain decisions for his/ her well-being and making sure that your child grows in a comfortable, pleasant environment that helps him/ her grow into a confident, aware and good adult who can build a good life.
This is what I believe the role of a parent is and I think many of you will agree with me, and will have many wonderful opinions of your own which I'd love to read. While the main job of a parent is to raise, nurture and guide a child, I see many parents, in Pakistan especially taking up the role of a dictator in the life of their children which I think is definitely not healthy for kids.
As a parent, you have to make many decision for your kid especially when he/ she is little. You decide how to feed him/ her, what to feed him/ her, how to raise him/ her and many other things like that. However, when your baby grows into an adult, it is your job to let him/ her mature and become an accountable, confident individual who knows what he/ she wants and strives to pursue it. This is often not the scenario here. I see parents deciding everything for their kids from what to do professionally to which activities to pursue to which girl/ boy to marry to how to then raise their own kids. Honestly, I find this extremely impractical and irrational. How can you take away the right of living on your own and making your own decisions from your kids? Honestly, this is something I fail to understand.
A relative of mine was forced to take religious education and study in a madrassa (religious school) when he was younger. The religious scholar who used to teach him often beat him harshly which made my cousin lose interest in getting religious education and run away from the madrassa, and even his house a few times. He tried explaining his desire to study in a school to his father, but unfortunately he did not get it and kept sending him to the madrassa each time that relative ran away.
This is not just the story of that one household. It can be seen almost everywhere here. A friend I made when I was in college went through a similar issue with her parents. She wanted to pursue arts professionally, but her parents had already decided that she'd be a doctor so she was pushed into the medical field even though she had no interest in being a doctor. She did well in her examinations, but did not pass the exam that helps you get admission in the state run medical colleges here. Her parents could afford the tuition fee of private medical colleges so asked her to apply to study in one of them, but she did not pass the admission exam either.
Finally, she decided to do BBA Hons. and her parents did agree to her doing that, but still kept making decisions for her. They got her married right after her graduation and luckily, their decision regarding her husband was a good one. She started living a happy life with her husband, but even then her parents did not stop taking decisions for her. They had decided the couple should settle in a developed country preferably Australia. She had applied to a college there before her wedding and after she got married, her application got approved. She wasn't interested in studying anymore especially in a foreign land and felt quite happy with her life after a long time. However, her parents had made their mind to send her there and kept pushing her to accept that offer. That caused some problems in her marital life, but her parents didn't care much about that.
Episodes like these really make me cringe. Once you are an adult and are capable of thinking for yourself, I don't think anybody has the right to decide things for you. Of course, since parents have presumably more experience of living in this world, they should offer you suggestions and should be a guiding light in your life, but deciding things for you is clearly not what they need to do.
Luckily, I was born to parents who never imposed their wishes on me or my siblings. They did express them and showed eagerness if any of us leaned towards an area they liked, but they never forced us to adopt certain professions or live a certain way. I wish more parents understand that and stop acting as dictators in the lives of their kids. While I am on this topic, I'd like to discuss another issue closely related to it.
Often when parents want their kids to behave a certain way, but see their kid isn't surrendering to their demand, they bring up all the instances wherein the parent did something wonderful for the kid and sacrificed his/ her happiness or pleasures for their child's betterment. Emotional blackmailing as it is commonly known is one of the major tools used by many parents to guilt trap their kids and make them agree to what they want. One of my friend's parents did that when they didn't want her to marry the guy she loved but the one they wanted. They kept telling her how she never gave them anything or reason to be proud of and if she did agree to give them this 'one happiness' as they called it, they'd be forever indebted to her. Finally after days of emotional blackmailing, they succeeded.
I am a parent myself and yes, every day I do lots of things for my son wherein it seems like I am sacrificing my pleasure for his, but hey, did someone force me to become a parent? Hell, no! When I conceived my baby, I wasn't ready to become a mother and had the option of aborting my baby, but the moment I thought of it, I honestly felt someone had stabbed me so I didn't take that road and chose to embrace motherhood happily and willingly. So it was a choice I made and with that choice came a lot of responsibilities so when I made that choice and decision, I chose all those responsibilities too. If I spent nursing my child and hurt my back terribly in that process, it wasn't a sacrifice I made for him. It was something I had to do for my kid. It was my responsibility. There was a time when he wouldn't nurse on me anymore even though I tried so instead of pushing that, I just bottle fed him. I knew I couldn't carry on with something forcefully so I didn't do it.
Being a mother for me meant I played and spent time with my son. It is not a sacrifice of my time. I always had the option of not playing with him, but I chose not to do that. So if decide to do something for him, I made the decision on my own and not a sacrifice. I feel, if something that you do for your kid feels like an act of sacrifice to you, you should not do it at all because if something seems like a compromise, you may not feel truly happy about it and then may use it to guilt trap the other person later on. I am so blessed to have a mother who honestly did a lotttt for us, but never once did she say 'Babies, i sacrificed this for you or that.' She took full accountability of all her actions and decisions and that's what makes me and my siblings love her like crazy.
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I am really sorry if this post feels offensive to anyone. Honestly, that wasn't my aim at all. The only aim of this post is to vent out my feelings on the topic and to try to help people understand that being a parent does not give you a right to own your kids. I don't remember the exact verse and translation but a verse in the Quran-e-Paak (holy book of Muslims) states that all of us have to go in their own grave so parents do not own their kids. I just love this and refer to this especially in gatherings of parents who think their religion has given them the right to own their kids. Honestly, I can go on and on about this issue, but I feel a little exhausted now. Yeah, writing too much tires me at times :P
Do share your views on the topic please. It is a ball for me when I see amazing, meaningful comments on my posts and get the chance to engage in great conversations. You guys are awesome!!!
Love and light,
Sharoon.
If you liked this, the following of my posts may interest you too:
Something to Think About- Issue #1: A Selection of Amazing and Enjoyable Curated Posts
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If you like interesting stuff, hop on over to the @ecotrain
Thank you for sharing this lovely post. I believe that the biggest task a parent has to do is to create an independent and autonomous person. That is hard, really hard. People love their children but in that love often do too much for them which leads them to grow up into people who cant live on their own. When parents die, and they do sooner or later, a child is helpless.
Everything you said is so so true. I have seen helpless, hopeless adults because they were dependent on their parents for far too long and simply had nowhere to go when their parents weren't around. Parents need to realize that just mushy love isn't necessary for their kids. They need to be strong and responsible too which means they need to learn to stand on their own. Thank you for the meaningful comment. :)
Wow, I didn't realize that parents have such control over their grown children there, very sad for the girl who was even pushed to move to Australia, I hope things worked out for her. I am a strong believer in raising your children right when they are small with Godly direction, love and care and then trusting that they will make the right decisions for themselves even if they make mistakes along the way.
Yes, raising your kids with Godly direction (love this term so thank you for this), love, affection, care and support is so important and if you do that and give them the faith to make their own decisions, they will mostly end up making great decisions for themselves. Thank you for the lovely words.
I appreciate the thought, Sharoon. Magnificently written.
You're right. Everyone has the default right to live the way they want to, there should be no restrictions unless the direction one chooses is harmful. Degree of which is certainly debatable. You know my current situation and you know how well I can relate to choosing the partner for your kids, when they want to be with someone else. I'm sure they have the right intention behind it, but I disagree with such parents' way of going about it. You should always listen to your children and what they sort the disputes rationally.
I enjoyed the post, Sharoonay!
Hayee mere dost, you have all my prayers and you know what, you will get what you want. My heart says that so fikar not and just dattey raho Motu man <3
While it's disheartening to read stories about those dictator parents, it gives me hope that parents like you exist, @sharoonyasir! I usually try to see all sides to an issue, and work on remembering that everyone has their own way of doing things, but it's so hard to condone the "my kids are mine and I'll do what I want" kind of mentality. We've raised our three very much like you (the youngest is a month away from being 18 and a legal adult), and while I'm biased, I have to say they've turned out to be amazing people. 😊
Thank you for reading the entire piece and this meaningful comment. So happy to know that you raised kids into confident, amazing adults and who isn't biased about their kids? I know I am ;)
I'm actually surprised by how many parents who can't wait until their kids move out! And here I am, trying to convince them to stay a
few hundred yearslittle longer. 😜Yes, mama. That whole mentality of owning children is so bizarre. It drives me crazy too. Children have fewer human rights than any other group on the earth. I am reminded of the Kahlil Gibran poem On Children "Our children are not our own/ they are the product of life's longing for itself"
Far too many people have their own ego wrapped up in the lives of their children. So unfair because, like you said, no one made anyone have a child. If you want a child, you make a sacred contract to care for and nurture them. It's hard, but it's no sacrifice.
Beautifully said lovely mama. Khalil Gibran's poems are honestly really beautiful.
This is exactly what I mean. Yes you make tough calls but if it feels like a sacrifice, it is best not to do it instead of making your kids feel guilty about it.
This hits home for me being a new parent. My vote has always been Guiding Light, but I was raised the other way around.
But you can be the guiding light for your baby and I am sure you will be. Love and light for you and your kid :)
Thank you
I’m so glad I have the parents I have ❤️
That's so nice to hear :)
It's hard for me to understand why parents would force a child to take a partner they did not want instead of the one they have chosen. I realise alot of it stems from proud family history - and upholding the family standards - but really everyone deserves to be just what they want to be. A very thought provoking post.
#thealliance
I know man- it goes beyond me too and it is just so upsetting. This topic is so upsetting because parenting is such a beautiful thing and these issues just make it seem so weird. Thanks for stopping by. Means a lot :)
Something that still triggers my brain while on earth will such be allowed @sharoonyasir
I wrote a piece some time ago about Gender Bias and Education on my channel. I covered some of the same and other details. I agree with much of what you said and where I live some of them are true too. Great article, I followed you for more like this!
Thanks a lot for the appreciation and by channel, you mean your blog here? Would love to read that piece you wrote.
https://steemit.com/gender/@alexdory/a-thought-on-gender-bias-and-complying-to-the-gender-biased-world
It has since expired but still is a good read. Maybe i will revisit the thoughts at a later time, i am just discovering this place and I wrote some of my intimate thoughts in this piece and another one about poverty. I will read more from you since i like it. Thanks for the time!
Good write up. God bless my mother for being that woman who Brought me through the right path and giving me the needed direction and right now am almost at the point of looking for a wife like my mother.
God bless all our parents especially our mothers who carried us 9 months. Bathed and endured sleepless nights when we are sick and they feel like carrying the pains on themselves.
GOOD MOTHERS ARE DIAMONDS
Good mothers are diamonds for sure. You said that 100% right and I hope to become that diamond one day. Also, good luck in finding the kind of wife you desire to have :)
You are becoming one already based on your first explanation in your post