Why is it Okay to Be a Little Selfish, Focus on Your Needs and Communicate them to Loved Ones
The dictionary defines being selfish as lacking consideration for others and being concerned primarily with your own personal benefit, pleasure or profit. Mostly, the term being 'selfish' is used when our actions somehow bring harm or pain to others, but benefit us in return. For instance, if you tell your sister you will sleep on the bed and this means she has to sleep on the floor, you are being a little selfish in particular if sleeping on the floor makes your sister uncomfortable.
So if you are just focusing on your needs, desires and wants and are causing any sort of discomfort or hurting someone else in the process, you are being selfish and that's not very nice. But there are times when you need to be a little selfish and really focus on your needs. Why is that? For that, I would first like to throw a little light on what happens when you stop thinking about yourself at all.
When You Stop Thinking about Your Needs
Looking after the needs, comfort, pleasure and happiness of others is great. When you take care of someone, make sure a person is comfortable being around you and otherwise, are nice to others, help people out and respect their needs and wishes before taking care of your own, you spread love and kindness around. This definitely makes people like you which makes you feel wonderful. Also, you feel good about yourself by being a blessing for others.
However, not everyone around you values super-nice and caring people. There are some people who start taking advantage of your kindness and slowly start to manipulate you subconsciously. This is when you start being pulled towards them in a manner that you start seeking their approval and appreciation for everything and turn into a people pleaser. Mostly, this happens when you fail to set healthy boundaries. @eco-alex wrote a wonderful post on this topic and if you feel you have trouble setting boundaries, I ask you to please read that here.
However, sometimes even when you do set healthy boundaries for others, you fail to set them for yourself and feel so compelled to look after the needs of others that you completely disregard your own. When this happens, you feel others are using you, take advantage of you and even hurt you in the process. But in reality, it is you who is looking after their needs to the extent that you are sabotaging yours in the process. It is you who gave them the right to overlook your needs and prioritize their own. It is you who made them nurture the habit of putting them first ALWAYS and the focus is on the word always. Had you taken care of your needs every once in a while and made them understand the things that are important for your well-being, they too would have been concerned about you and would have prioritized your needs too.
So it is basically you who forgets to take care of his/ her own needs at the right times that makes people disregard your feelings and needs. If you keep doing that, there will come a time when you will feel like a pushover and will be crying from within, but won't know how to communicate your feelings to others. Such times are really hard to go through. I know that because I have been through such times and the pain you endure during that point can be really unbearable. I had become quite a pleaser in my marital relationship and was only looking after the needs of my husbands like literally ALL the time. What that did was it slowly made my husband overlook my needs. Since I always showed him that I was happy doing whatever he wanted, he got the message that all that I did for him were things I wanted for myself too. So my needs had somehow camouflaged and taken the shape of his. Had I told him I wasn't comfortable with certain things or that I wanted certain things differently, I am sure he would have understood, but since I never said that and he wasn't good at reading and understanding people (like really really bad at it about a year back), he couldn't get the pain I was going through.
However, when I started feeling more frustrated than usual and started venting out my anger in unusual ways and always felt disturbed, I started to dig deeper into the issue. I didn't like having fights with my spouse every now and then and feeling that I was a bad wife even when I was doing a lot for him. As I dug deeper into the problem, I realized that it was because I was giving the wrong messages to him and because I had made his needs my own, and had completely failed to realize what I truly wanted for myself. It was then that I also realized that it is perfectly fine to be a little selfish at times and focus on what you want instead of just giving to others. While this is really important, it is also important that you do it the right way.
How to Focus on Your Own Needs
When focusing on your needs, first understand what is it that you really want and the needs that you cannot compromise on at all. Basically, you need to be clear on your core values and define them clearly. It is wise to write them down in a journal so you can revisit them from time to time and not forget them. Like I had to really think hard on what I really wanted when I wanted to end the troubles and emotional crisis I was going through. When I became clear on my needs that weren't being met, it was truly a revelation for me because they weren't needs that would harm anyone, but just basic needs of care, understanding and respect.
Once you are clear on your needs that you need to be fulfilled, you need to figure out who isn't fulfilling them or who is disregarding them. Then you need to think about ways to effectively and lovingly communicate those needs to that person. With some people, you have to be really firm, but even then there is no point in being rude to them. Just talk to that person in a friendly environment and let him/ her know what's bothering you, why it is bothering you and what you want from them.
Like I told my husband that I wanted him to take my views into account when making a decision for our family. I was doing my share of work- emotional, physical and financial for the relationship so it was only right for my viewpoints to be considered when deciding something that affected all of us. I get that he always made decisions in our best interest, but that didn't mean my views didn't matter. Even if he decided something that I too wanted, it was important for him to discuss the matter with me. At first, he did not understand because he had nurtured the habit of not discussing things with me and that was mainly because I never told him so. However, when I kept talking to him about it patiently and made him slowly understand how it feels to not have your voice heard, he understood. I had to be patient throughout the process, but I knew I couldn't give up because that would mean me feeling frustrated in the relationship which would eventually lead to a very bad marriage or make me want to end it completely.
Once you have communicated your needs to that person, you need to start making sure your needs are being met by taking care of them yourself first. Do not expect that person to be the sole protector and guardian of your needs. You have to do that first so you can slowly help him build the habit of putting your needs first at times too. Like in my case, I started discussing different things with my husband myself and used to make sure to bring up topics in discussions when I felt he was planning something and started giving him my input even without him asking for it. Slowly, he learned to take my views into consideration too and became more careful of my needs.
It takes time, patience, love and consistency to build, maintain and strengthen relationships and if you do build a loving, meaningful relationship, you need to be very careful with it. You cannot just let go of it because of a few issues that can be taken care of if you act cautiously, intelligently and wisely. However, you also need to take care of your own self when caring for that other person. It is quite an art to build a balance between the two things, but it is possible for sure. Just make sure to be aware of your needs and then communicate your concerns with that person and ask him/ her to do the same so you can both gain a better understanding of what you want and together take care of each other. Hence, sometimes it is fine to be a little selfish and think about yourself first because if you won’t, nobody else will.
I would love to hear your views on the topic as it is always a wonderful experience for me. Thank you so much for going through this post and supporting me.
Love and light,
Sharoon.
If you enjoyed this post, you may like some other of my work too:
[A Collaborative Message To All Women: What Makes You Feel Beautiful? - #feelbeautiful Challenge #1](A Collaborative Message To All Women: What Makes You Feel Beautiful? - #feelbeautiful Challenge #1)
My Scar Stories- Reminders of Many Different Memories
Batman & Jesus: Why do we fear debate?
I support the @ecotrain which has the aim to make this world a better place so if you do have the same mission, do consider visiting it.
Thanks for sharing what you wrote. It took me time to read and digest every single line of it as i used to be (occasionally still is now, but am learning not to) a people pleaser, a yes person. Back then, i didnt know what is boundary. To me, boundary means cutting off rship with other person and making the person not happy. I was silly to think, as long as the person is happy, ill be happy as well. Unfortunately, its not. At the end of the day, i am the one that suffer because i have not set boundaries when i know i dont feel comfortable when people does/say something. It took me years of heartbreaks and tears to realize i need to love myself first before i can love others. I need to make sure im ok first before considering other ppl. Now im at a juncture of my life where im learning to say no, even if it means someone will be unhappy. It takes a lot of courage and wisdom to do that. I need to know that IT IS OKAY to be "selfish" at times, cause if my emotions are not taken care, i cant take care of other ppl too. Thanks for ur effort in writing this. You've definitely helped me in many ways. Upvoted & resteemed to help more people. :)
Thank you so much for this beautiful, heartfelt and honest comment. It takes a lot of courage to open about your personal experiences and you my friend are a strong woman. Boundary setting is often difficult and you are right in saying that sometimes, when setting boundaries, we can feel that it means to completely sever your relationship with someone. However, it does not function like that. Yeah, in some cases when nothing works, you have to distance yourself from a person or maybe even cut ties with him/ her, but quite often, by being clear on your needs and values and effectively and firmly communicating them to that person, you can set a healthy boundary. You also need to ensure that boundary is being followed and not breached.
I am so happy to find out that over the years you have learned to love yourself more and focus on your well-being. Way to go girl! Thank you for the lovely words.
Yes, that's something that I am currently working on.
Now knowing what causes this discomfort in my feelings, then I need to figure out why I felt so and what is that I actually need from this person or what core value am I standing for in this relationship that causes me to set this boundary. --> This is something that I'm still learning til today, even though I have lived on this earth for 20+ years. I've always admire people who knows exactly what they want, cause I appear to be the total opposite. 😌 But I told myself, its okay, take your time to learn about yourself and figure out how to love yourself more through various ways. Cause everyone is born different, hence the different personalities. :)
Thanks for your encouragement @sharoonyasir! You are too a strong woman! :)
It is okay if you don't instantly get what you want. Understanding your needs and wants instantly isn't always easy. For instance, I often don't get what I truly need at once. It takes me time to understand my genuine needs. I am here for any help you need.:)
this is a wonderful and comprehensive post, @sharoonyasir, thanks for putting the effort in making it and also in finding out the deeper reasons why things weren't working well for you, digging deep and really nurturing yourself looks like has transformed the relationship for you and I'm very pleased to hear!
I also have been called selfish for attending to my own needs, but I am not bothered by that anymore. I learnt what happens when I don't, and I have enough self-respect and self-love now to stand up for what is important for me, while also being mindful of others. thanks for the beautiful reflection.
i love the idea of really pinpointing what our core values are, and making sure we address any situation/relationship that do not adhere with them. I've been learning it the hard way but maybe that's the only real way! especially when others guilt trip and project their own self-judgments onto you, it's trickier to discern what is true, but it's possible.. we just gotta love ourselves more, one step at a time..
nice to connect with you, I really like your vibes! you seem like a very grounded and genuine person. looking forward to reading more!
Thank you for all the love Bristena! It makes my heart and cheeks swell with happiness :D
Oh you are so right when you say how others at times guilt trip us and project their own self-judgments on us. I personally know of some people who do that and then manipulate you into believing how their needs are yours and how you really want what they want. I believe such people are really poisonous to your well-being especially if they are doing this consciously. We definitely need to love ourselves more and with people like you around here, doing that is even easier. <3
Congratulations! This post has been chosen as one of the daily Whistle Stops for The STEEM Engine!
You can see your post's place along the track here: The Daily Whistle Stops, Issue # 26 (1/24/18)
The STEEM Engine is an initiative dedicated to promoting meaningful engagement across Steemit. Find out more about us and join us today!
Oh wonderful. Thank you so much for the love!
Much appreciated! A hard lesson learned lately is the need for boundaries. As a natural giver, i tewnd to be taken aback at those who never take up the offer of assistance but its so rewarding when someone loves me enough to let me help them out! The season we are in now has taught me how it feels to receive that assistance from friends, loved ones, and even stranger who are willing to get in the trenches with us to help!
Wow you have such a lovely mindset towards all of this. Loved this comment!
What you say selfish I will say self love. And if you dont tend to take care of your needs and make your ownself happy how can you ever make others happy. I always tell people put yourself first then others. There is no happiness in sabotaging your own desires and taking care of others unless the opposite person is dependant on you
Exactly self-love for the win. It is extremely important and I call it self-love too, but it's nice to bring diversity in your posts so I have talked about self-love many times before so thought to give it a different spin. Also, many people call it selfishness so I used the term to clarify that.
Quite thought provoking post, not everything is black and white, it's all about maneuvering the grey areas of life.
Yes the grey part is everywhere and moving past it harmoniously is what brings stability in life.
Selfishness is something we all have to overcome. It's easy to put yourself first, but not so easy to put others before yourself. How can we learn to love ourselves (self-respect), while loving others MORE than ourselves! @ironshield
Sometimes it is not easy to put yourself first and this happens a lot with people who think too much for others. I know this because time and again I have experienced this.
Good thoughts. We breathe because we are selfish. We eat, we give, we seek love, we play because we are selfish. Even if we are self sacrificial in some way we desired it iver other options. We have needs that must be met before we can interact in healthy ways with others. The dictionaries of the world sometimes are slanted and incomplete. I think you saw through that into a greater truth. Well done.
You are so right about the dictionaries being slanted and incomplete. The dictionaries define things one way and the context of the words change in real life and that context can be at times suffocating for us. Being selfish for our own needs as long as we aren't harming anyone in the process is not bad at all. Thank you for such a meaningful comment. :) This is exactly what we need to have good conversations and make the community grow.
We shall be friends i think? :) there is a quote by phillip k dick about controlling the definition of words that may be fun. This is the only real currency.
Friends.. hmm.. I'll have to give that a thought. Hahaha.. jk Do buzz me on discord :) I am under the same username.
This line reminded me of my PKR 37,000 that I gave to my friends 3 years ago and I wrote them as bad debts in my books of accounts a few months ago.
Kher, I agree to some extent when it comes to husband-wife relationship which I haven't experienced so far but yes, I try not to be selfish with my parents. They obviously are the only ones in our life who never take advantage of our caring attitude towards them.
Baki Yasir bhai ko bhi ye post parhaey :P
Hahaha Yasir already knows of this. Everything I write here, he is aware of it because if I share something that exists between us or related to us, I make sure to have his consent before declaring it openly. So it's all good. :D
I can relate to the feeling you are talking about related to your friends. Yasir has gone through that several times.
I know exactly what you are talking about, I struggle with finding that balance myself, I have often made the mistake of hoping my partner would know my needs without ever telling him and then being disappointed when he didn't. For me that balance comes with open communication, which is easier said than done sometimes.
As a mother we do need to be 'selfish' at times, just to make sure we don't get run down, but I do find it difficult to find those times with 3 kids.
Thank you @sharoonyasir for your true and inspiring words x
Aishlinnnn, I wanna hug you so hard. Finally, a woman who completely, like completely gets my feelings. Yes, open communication is a MUST in building healthy relationships and often it is not as easy as it seems to establish, but with patience and consistency, it can be done.
Mothers hardly get time to focus on themselves. I am on my toes with my 4 year old naughty boy so I just cannot imagine how hectic it would be for you. But when we see our kids thriving and doing well, I think we feel fulfilled and relieved, right? Thank you for all the support. Means so so much xoxo
Right back at you, I really appreciate finding such honesty and openness.
As mothers we always find a way to manage and the reward is in seeing them thrive. but they need to hear us say we need our own time for ourselves, I believe it helps them in seeing the importance of self worth. So hopefully they won't struggle with being nourishing towards themselves. Life by example x x
Well said! By taking care of your own self in front of your kids, you definitely teach them self-care and you also teach them the importance of loving yourself so your self-esteem keeps improving. :)