Who am I??
Sometimes I am a dark storm who can wrap anyone and everyone under her wings.
I am fierce. I am strong and I don’t stop at any cost. I am ferocious. I am fearless and I don’t care who comes in my way, I just keep going on. Come what may, I don’t stop. I know I can conquer the world, surpass any obstacle that comes my way and be whoever I want to be.
But sometimes I am not so ferocious. I am timid and scared.
I don’t feel so strong. I don’t feel I can conquer the world. I don’t feel powerful. I am weak. I am withdrawn and I just don’t trust myself anymore. I take steps cautiously and even while being cautious, I feel scared from within. I think too much. I feel too much. I worry too much. But I don’t say a lot. I keep absorbing emotions around me, but do not express mine. Sometimes I am just not ready to face the world and even let people overpower me. But that’s not how I am always.
There are times when I am confident. When I know what I want and I get what I want.
I move with strength and I strive for everything I ever want to be. I am tenacious. I am courageous. And I persevere till I reach my destination. I know I can do it and I prove myself right. That’s just me- confident and strong. But then again there are times when I am not that confident.
There are times when I know what I want, but don’t take action right away.
Times when I keep waiting for the iron to get hot so I can strike it, but somehow end up not striking it at all. Times when I am neither scared nor weak, but just don’t what to do with life. Times when I am not in high spirits, but not dismayed either. Times when I just don’t think too much and let life be. I keep going with the flow and just don’t protest to anything that’s happening around me probably because I don’t want to take action myself. I don’t feel weak, but I don’t feel powerful either. I just let things be and just not do what I want, but it doesn’t hurt either. That’s how I feel like being.
And then there are times when I am at peace and happy from within.
Times when I feel like flying and do fly too because my soul is free from within. My soul flies and so do I so I fly to places far and wide. I am liberated and excited, and I let everyone know how happy I am. I jump and dance around. I giggle and laugh for no reason at all. I do things I want to. I paint. I draw. I sing. I play. I smile. I just shine because I have embraced the light. As happy as I feel at times, sometimes I am not just that happy.
Sometimes I am depressed and disappointed.
I feel gloomy and in pain. My soul aches and so does my heart. There is pain everywhere- inside and around me. And no matter how hard I try, I just cannot escape it. It keeps flowing inside me and I keep allowing it to penetrate me deeper. The deeper it goes, the more I cry. The more I cry, the more I feel at peace, but even when I do feel at peace, I keep drawing more pain within to ache more. I just want to feel pain and I keep bringing more inside me. I am aware of what I am doing, but I do not stop. I know how it will pierce me from within and I want that. It feels insane, but just so right. It does not feel right, but I keep doing it any way. But this does not last for long too.
There comes a time when I am happy, focused, calm, confident, cautious, a little nervous but strong.
I feel scared at times, but I overcome my fears quickly too. I cry, but I don’t let the pain grow bigger than that I can control. I feel hurt, but I look past the regrets quickly. I feel happy, but I don’t just keep celebrating my happiness for long and know when it’s time to act. I take strong strides and I know what is right for me and I act with caution and grace.
But then comes a time when I am just vicious.
I forget about others at times and just think about myself. I don’t care who gets hurt. I just know what I want and I don’t bother about anyone. What I want I get and I know I can go to any lengths for that, but haven’t done exactly that ever because compassion takes over me.
With all these shades of my personality, sometimes I just don’t know who I am. Am I courageous or weak? Am I happy or sad? Am I confident or lack confidence? Or am I all of them? Who am I really?
This time, I just went with the flow and wrote whatever I felt like writing. Some parts have been fictionalized a bit, but most of them are my thoughts that I experience and endure. Do share your thoughts on the piece.
Love and light,
Sharoon.
If you enjoyed this, you may also like the following articles I have written:
One Smile and a Deep Breath to Quickly Fight Stress
Why I am Grateful for My Hardships...
29 comments
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Great piece with a bit of "The dark night of the soul" thrown in.
The scriptures, the Upanishads and the Avadhuta Gita, are very clear in their answer to your question.
Whatever you think you are, you are not.
In our ashram I learned a kind of inquisitive ritual, an analytical process, where two people would come together, one sits in a meditative state of inquiry and then says whatever attributes come to the mind: I am a man, I am German, I am a bricklayer etc, and the other person just calmly answers: Neti, neti - not this. not this/neither this nor that to each attribute mentioned.
Then the person who mentioned an attribute meditates a bit on that attribute and the neti neti, and then mentions the next attribute and is told neti neti again and so on.
By this method of negation or deduction you remove layer after layer of attributes covering like veils that what you truly are, the Atman, the Immortal Self.
Because all you think what you are, or even more ridiculous, what other people think you are, is just that, ephemeral thoughts.
It can be of course also a bit frightening, to destroy those layers of identity, because we think, however wrong a definition, better than no defintion at all, but if you embrace that truth of neti neti, it can be also quite liberating.
This comment was just so liberating because honestly, this is how I have been feeling these days. When I try uncovering and removing the many layers on me, I start feeling that I am nothing and out of place with the world and that feels scary. I think it takes some time to settle into that feeling and then truly find out who you are.
You are honest, you are inspiring, you are human! and a beautiful one at that xx I love your honesty in your posts, they are like a breath of fresh air to me, you never hold back. This is so admirable to be able to paint a picture of yourself like this and then share it with us x one thing I forgot to say is humble, you are humble x
Just read @likedeeler post and he has got it right, but thats what I feel above anyhow x
Honestly, I wasn't this open before joining Steemit basically I didn't have a platform where I could speak my mind. it has given me wings and these wings are helping me fly to different places. Thank you for all the love you show me all the time Aishlinn. You have definitely become my support system here- someone I can rely on and look up to. Also, what @likedeeler said made so much sense that now I just don't what to say. Before I believed I was humble and non-judgmental, but now I guess I need to dig even deeper and uncover more layers to truly figure out myself.
Sometimes you have to look deep inside to see who you are and others times you wear your heart on your sleeve. But once you find yourself, life seem to improve.
Yes you are so right and I think I'm just all of the above I discussed. :) So nice to see you on my blog :)
We all have several identities and can be different - this is our beauty and this what makes us interesting!
It does make us interesting and unique. We really need to explore ourselves more. Thanks for stopping by :)
I am pretty sure that everyone felt like you just described once in their life! I think it is great that you don't really know who you are, cause often there's a reason to be scared and you can't always be happy! I guess a healthy balance between all the feelings is the best way to live a happy life :)
A healthy balance between different emotions is really important to live a well-balanced life because too much happiness can be toxic too. And yes often not knowing who you are makes you do things in ways you never thought you could. Thanks for the meaningful comment :)
you are who you think you are...fear can inspire courage. failure can also inspire success. you are the best that your thoughts can make out of you.
Beautifully said. Actually I agree a lot with what @likedeeler said above- often we just don't know who we are and often who we think we are, we aren't that.
Great blog. I enjoy the imagery.
Thanks a lot for the appreciation :)
I always enjoy these sort of RAW-ness in posts, it is who you are! It is REAL! And i love that about this post. Thank you for sharing :)
Yeah I love being raw at times too. There is so much that we experience and I felt that I really needed to express as much as I could here. Thanks for the lovely words :)
Thank you so much for sharing this lovely post, it took me on a rollercoaster of emotions. We are so much and we often try to neglect or forget about those parts of us that we do not like as much as other ones, but every part of as is important. This was very well written and inspirational 💚
Yeah we are definitely so much and often we shun a part of us and don't accept it. But u feel it is okay to feel different emotions and go thru different experiences to come off as whoever we want to be. Thank you for the lovely words. Means a lot to me!
In reality, you are an eternal Soul. For infinite past lives the Soul has been hidden beneath a veil of ignorance. Due to this, we have been unable to experience the true Self.
Another profound thought. Love when people come up with such meaningful things to say and make me think more. Thank you. :)