Miscarriage (Freewrite #32: Weekend Prompts)
Warning - this freewrite is about miscarriage and may be an emotional trigger for some.
Freewriting
The weekend freewrite consists of three separate prompts, starting with the first sentence. The other prompts are encountered mid-way, throughout the writing session. Hence, this becomes a fifteen-minute freewrite, for just one time a week.
Miscarriage
"How do you do it?" I asked her. "How do you go on?". She stared at my blank face, her hand patting my shoulder. There were no words to make me feel better - no words to make me want to live. I just stood there with enough sorrow to cry, but too detached to feel. Disconnected from my own heart.
"I just cannot believe this." She stayed there for me, her eyes staring into me, offering suport. I know it must have been uncomfortable for her. She had been through a miscarriage before, but she made it through. She even has two kids now, but not me. I just had a miscarriage, and I was already thirty seven years old. I was losing faith. "What if I will never have children?" She knew my feelings better than anyone else would. Shangie has been through all this with her husband. I'm scared.
"André will not want me anymore. My life is over." I could tell that she disapproved of what I was saying, but she let me deal with my thoughts, allowing them to echo in my head. Her marriage stayed strong after her miscarriage, but not mine. André is not like her husband. I am becoming too old for him and I might never give him children.
She looked at him and said, "Best not flirt with disaster, let it decide to commit." What did she mean by this? Disaster has already happened. She hung up the phone - it was her husband, Greg. I know that he had to meet up with André and talk to him about this. It must be hard for men to talk about it. Shangie thought it would help for them to talk man-to-man. Or drink beer and watch games. It takes their mind off. I was still scared about our relationship, our future, my future.
Her tone sounded cryptic. Worried - what did she mean. Are they going out to bars? It would be okay for them to grab cold beers at one of our homes, but a bar is completely different. Worse if it is a strip-club, but I trust Greg not to do that. André may be a little sensitive, even when he hides it. He is devastated just as much as I am. Maybe not as much. I know him - when he is upset, he is unable to control how much he drinks. And nobody should trust André when he is drunk and upset. What if he sees a younger woman who is flirtatious? He will move on. He will know I am much older and I am no longer good. Not for him. Not for anyone. My face must have shown worry, because Shangie was again trying to comfort me, holding, squeezing my hands. She was there for me. But where was André?
Time was ticking, and Shangie was hungry, so we decided to have brunch. "Say hi to someone, with a smile", said Shangie. We were meeting a couple of our other friends, and it would be good if I attempted to be more social - so I had to practice along the way. My smiles were dead. Fake. Not even convincing smiles. I knew they were going to be there to support me, but Shangie knows I hate to put people down. I mean, I hate to make anyone upset. They should go on with their happy lives, with their kids at home or school. My life was never going to catch up with theirs, so they should not be stopping by.
I put on the best smiles that I could, until strangers were no longer prying or looking at me with puzzled faces. My eyes have dried up. I had no more tears to cry, no more energy to frown. There was no feeling happy either - I just felt like I was floating outside my body. I have lost what made me a woman. Lost what made me human. There was no point in living - and I did not feel alive. I just lingered, my body dragged itself somehow. A fake smile plastered on my face without any apetite to eat. I dreaded ordering food and water; "I cannot have wi"-- I looked down towards my belly.
My new poetry collection, Welcome to the Sombre Days, is published as paperback on Amazon and ebook on Kindle. Each day, I am sharing another poem from the book on Steemit. Here are the available parts so far:
Announcement & Forward
Book Release
Chapter 1: Puppet Strings
#1 - Dancing Queen
#2 - Fruitcake
#3 - The Best of Both Worlds
#4 - Applause
#5 - Hush!
#6 - Inside Me (1)
#7 - Ink-chanted (1)
#8 - Overshadow
#9 - Archetypes
#10 - Same Blood
#11 - Fragments of Memory
#12 - A Moment of Glory
#13 - Blossom (1)
#14 - The Puppet Master
#15 - An Alternate Reality
#16 - Mother Monster
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A very good and well written story, I guess the prompts somehow evoked "dark" stories this weekend. I do especially like the end, it's a very powerful scene.
The first sentence was definitely something that leads towards the darker feelings. It's a reality for a lot of women and families, and it struck me how on my two months on steemit, I have never heard about miscarriages. It is a reality which may be unrepresented in stories. It is quite emotional, and when it occurs in movies, it is usually due to a car accident or something fatal. That must make women feel like they were wreckless, but miscarriages happen naturally too, without any fault or blame of the mother.
Yes, you're absolutely right, some topics are missing or quite rare on Steemit, and quite a few topics that I would also consider important ones. It was very thoughtful of you, too, to put a "warning" into the comment section - and I was actually hesitating to click and read. Not so much because of the specific topic of miscarriage but "having children" is a topic than can upset me - though what triggers me and a lot of emotions is the "paradigm" that all women want to have children and are leading a poor life if they don't. Even more upsetting for me, I've been told by men "that I would get there at some point" when I was sure that I wouldn't - no doubt, there are reasons and there's a backstory for my view and decision, but the upsetting thing has always been that feelings and personal views are neglected by others. And there I'm circling back to your story and your thoughts, you're absolutely right that miscarriages " can just happen", and that this can have a huge impact, even more so (I believe) if all the feelings that come with it are neglected.
I've actually had a great aunt and only after she had died I learned that she had always wanted to have children, but that she had had several miscarriages during her life. The "setting" was even more difficult for her since her husband had children from his first marriage, and although they were in my view overall a happy couple, this did explain a lot in retrospect: They were often discussing tiny details of events that had happened long ago and it was always about "who's right" and neither would give way. This gained so much weight after I had heard about the miscarriages and was, to me, truly tragic.
Overall, some people will be able to accept their lives and not find stories as triggering or unsettling - but I would definitely would not want those who have recently gone through similar traumatic experiences, especially if it is too soon and it is not processed fully yet. I think that paradigm is one thing I capture within the story - one which I do not truly agree with. Women are women, whether they are mothers or not. Their worth does not lie in motherhood. There are a lot of people who are definitely insensitive to this, and especially in many cultures, after someone gets married, people keep asking about kids. Some couple don't want kids, other cannot have them, and others cannot afford them. It should not be a standard.
What might make it worse is that if it is not processed with open communication in the relationship, there might be resentment or blame - even if unexpressed. It's definitely tragic - and it is quite common that people 'hide' it, as to 'protect' people from remembering it or having to talk about it.
This is such a sad reality for many women and it does shake their foundation and make them feel vulnerable. Well written in its powerful emotion.
It is a sad reality indeed, and the way the close family and friends react can help them get back on their feet or continue to break them. Thank you for your comment x
You are welcome. And you are right. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I went on to deliver three beautiful children. The few who knew how to comfort in that time meant a lot to me.
Social support is key in any human event, and I am happy for you that you had that. It's beautiful how we do not let one event determine the rest of our lives, and that's great that you had three children! I can imagine the worry that pregnancy brings after a miscarriage - so similar support and comfort is as important during those pregnancies as much as after the miscarriage. Hugs
It's all true. Thank you for the empathic article, too.
Thank you - I am humbled that it has come across empathic <3
It has. <3
It was well done of you to put in the warning Jeremy. 🤗 Your empathy for those who have lost their precious babies, and for the deep scars that come from miscarriage, comes through in this story. These losses are traumatizing and so many women who have gone through this need to know that what they're feeling is normal and that there are so many in the world who will be there for them. I have two friends who have miscarried and the memory still haunts them. Thankfully, they've had the support of their spouses, families, and friends to count on. There are too many who aren't as lucky.
You've already seen what today's prompt is but, since I'm here, I'll drop you a link. 😎
I feel that it is not something that is talked about enough - there is definitely stigma attached to miscarrying. It can be quite traumatising and many women go through such an experience, yet there is not enough discussion or social support. It's not just about losing a child, but also part of your identity, relationship, and so much more.
I'm not sure if to choose the garden snake or toothpaste, but considering I am vegan, I should select toothpaste. I like toothpaste!
Well done to write from a woman's perspective. You got that feeling of getting too old well...
Thank you. It's something that I'm not sure where it came from, but I could put myself in her shoes.