CPS thinks you're a bad parent because you're living in poverty? Maybe they should address the rules that get you in financial problems living in a women's shelter first

Let me begin with the period before I left to the women's shelter with my two oldest children

The father of the children worked full time, and I had had a web-shop for several years, which I made to a success myself. When he had left me in that summer, I had the choice of continuing and getting a loan from the city bank to catch up with the bills that pilled up due to my ex paying me nothing, or I could choose to stop and in that case they would temporary give me welfare. First I did not want to close the shop, because I had worked my but of for those years, and I made it a success all by myself. People told me it's a risk, get a "normal" job (as if that's not a normal job) etc, but I was convinced in my own plan to make it a success. And that last year, my numbers of sales were increasing every month (I even had months where they doubled) even though my costs of buying my products got lower. I saw big potential, and had a big group of steady costumers.

Because of the children I decided to stop

The guy from the city bank basically told me he believed in my shop, and he would gladly approve a loan for the outstanding bills. At first this seemed the best news to me, but when we continued the conversation, I was telling them that especially my daughter was having a hard time with the father leaving again, for the second time this year. And sometimes I would be packing my orders until 3 AM before I was finished. This was even the case when the father was "present" because he had no intention of helping me at any point, because he felt like he could have spare time whenever he finished working. That I was taking care of 2 children AND also running my shop more than full time hours, didn't seem to matter.
So when I was speaking to this guy about that, I started to realize that my children needed me to be there, and comfort them when they were missing their father.
I had a serious issue with myself when I had 30 orders pilled up to pack, and I could not finish them the next day at the latest. And this was happening more often, because the orders got bigger. I noticed it was stressing me out sometimes. And if the other parent was of any help, even if it would have been for 1 hour a day, than I would have lot's relief from this stress about my own deadlines. But that wasn't the case, and this would not get better anytime soon. So I decided to close the shop and choose the welfare option, temporary. And the plan was to open it again as soon as everything was calmed down.

It was hard for me, because now I would not be self sufficient

I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I would not be making my own money anymore, and even harder that my growing company was to be closed. Before I started the shop I had been applying for every single job and got rejected. I know that I can do any job that I applied for, and it gave me a serious kick in my confidence not even getting called for an interview anymore. So when I had the plan of opening this shop, and I got serious results after about a year, I was so damn proud of myself. Now I had to let it go for the time being, and that was difficult.

He came back and I fell for his lies

The day before that I had the appointment to get the welfare approved, my ex came back to me. He had thought about it, and he wanted to give it everything to make it work. I had my doubts, my gut feeling screamed don't fall for it, you've been there before. But I also wanted the children to have their father around, and he didn't seem to be able to come as often when he didn't live with us. I spoke to him firmly that I wanted him to be 1000% sure of what he was promising me now, because I did not want our daughter to be put in that spot again. He needed to promise me he would absolutely give his all to be there for them. And he did. And I fell for it.
I asked him what about the money, he said we'll figure it out, no worries. Because before he left we had a decent sum of money extra due to my income, this was a bit worrying to me. I had already closed it.

The children were happy

So I was happy too, because I must say for at least he tried to fool me for the first weeks. He was home after work, in the weekends he spend time with me and the children. He did not go drinking until 4 AM anymore. We laughed, actually those weeks he was the partner and father I had been hoping for all these years when we were together.
The money was tight though, and that stressed me out sometimes.
When all hell brok loose in our house and I fled to the shelter things got different moneywise.

When I arrived there I only had 80 euro on my bank account

But the shelter helped the mothers out with formula and diapers when they did not have this. They bought it for the moms without money. But you also needed products to wash and shower of course, and the 80 euro's didn't last longer than a month.
If you don't have a job and arrive in a shelter, after some weeks they sit down with you, and fill in some form to apply for welfare. You can give the address of the shelter as your home-address and the next day you can bring the application. The catch on this is, that they make you sign a form that the money needs to be transferred to their account. When you first get there you think you have no choice and this is normal procedure. But afterwards I found out this is bullshit, actually. They try, and if you sign they have the power over your money.
What they don't tell you, is that in the period in the shelter they are not paying any of your bills. And by that I especially mean: your health insurance, which is quite important, right?

They will tell you during the conversations with your social worker it's not important now

All the time I sat down with them and ask about debts to arrange they simply say, no worries when you are living in a place where you can stay longer than these months, we well arrange it with you. Important note to this is, that almost every woman there will be there at least 4 months (instead of 6 weeks with extension of 6 weeks possible) and actually the health insurance bills pile up pretty fast like that. And when you do arrive in the next shelter or get a house, you won't be immediately able to arrange this. So let's say you are behind at least 5 months in the time you fled from your house. Maybe even more if you come from a bad financial situation at home. The only thing they do with your money in that shelter is pay your part of the rent (because they have an amount set for woman that come there that has to be paid every month) and this includes 3 times food also. This amount is about 70% of your total welfare income if you get it.

I had the "luck" to move to another location where I got a private house

I was actually excited at first, because I would finally have privacy, and not being tight to their cleaning schedule. But what they didn't tell me before (actually they told me after at least 6 weeks when the contract was arranged) is that the rent of this house is even higher than the rent at the group shelter. And by higher I mean bout 80% of the welfare income, for a little house that offers shitty beds and sofa, so not even one place in the house where you can sit or lie down comfortable.
Most important note to this is, that it DOESN'T include the cost for your groceries. Let's say you have a child in diapers and still using formula like my youngest, and you also need a big pack of diapers for the night for your oldest, because she starts to wet the bed again, this will come down to about 20 euro every week only for this part.
They would give me only 40 euro every week, and the when I arrived, I even had to beg for money the first 3 days, because they didn't arrange this yet. So I came in a house with no groceries and no money with my 2 children.

This was the first point where I began to have doubts about this place

At first I was excited because they'd sold me the house by telling me about all the pro's, but none of them told me for example about the rent cost, and this was all pushed forward to when we would sign the contract and until then nobody knew? Weird thing right? It was not as if I felt like I had another choice, don't get me wrong, because the option of moving to my boyfriend was not an option yet for me.
Luckily my boyfriend helped me with the groceries, but it's sad that he had too, because they had my money! The money was there all along.. But they did not have a correct administration for sure.
After a few months of hassle and things going wrong (and especially finding out the rent price) we had some serious talk (my boyfriend and me) after he already spend lots of time with us in the house. I saw and felt he was a good influence on the children, the seemed to look up to him, and I saw that they needed this too.
So I did not sign the papers they wanted me to sign about them being even more in control over my money, as it was already going so wrong at this point. I already made plans to start a new web-shop again, even prepared this on forehand, and we would figure it out.

When I left, I left with more debt than I came with

I had a bit of behind payments from the health insurance due to some years before, which I was paying back at the time until I left to the shelter. But now I had even more debts, recent ones. This all started to hit me a while after I left, and by that I mean looking back on the overall picture of how they seem to have certain disgusting ways to fool you to feel like you have no other option by signing over your money to them etc. I heard several stories in the second shelter before I left, one was my neighbor with 5 children and she was put without money at first for at least 3 weeks. She had to borrow money from the other women in the shelter because she had been left with nothing. That's even worse!

If I would have stayed long enough to have those documents signed

I could not have escaped that place for a long time. Because they tell you on forehand it will be 6 months max that you stay there before you get assigned to a house. But in reality I was already there for several months before the rental papers were ready and signed, so do your own math. They had many courses planned, all spread over about 10 weeks each (they wanted me to go to 4 if I remember correctly) and then there always will be problems along the way of course, like social workers not being present to help you with things at the right time etc. I saw myself being deeply depressed if I would have stayed, and not only emotional, but financially drained as well.
The contract you have to sign is actually not helpful if you still have a pair of brains and you are capable of managing your own household, the contract is good for people that have serious mental issues, or for example addiction problems, but you actually learn nothing from it. And on top of that, I know several cases in my environment that have gone into even higher debts due to the agency not taking care of the bills properly. And they are sometimes in the position that they have to argue with them to even get the weekly money for groceries, without being able to save even 1 euro so they are literally left with nothing as long as they don't get the money that week.
My boyfriend and his friends gave me back the feeling of me begin able to start up a company again, they are mostly entrepreneurs. And this gave me back that goal too. I didn't want to be in that welfare position all the time in that house, and that's what usually happens. I talked to many of the women there, and they almost make it impossible for you to get back on your feet, because as long as you are in that tight financial position, they keep making money on you.

Cut off from the outside world

If I'd have stayed I would have no saying over my money anymore, and they left me without already without that contract. They promise you before you go there, that you have an internet connection in your house, but when I arrived, it didn't work most of the times.
This meant I was kind of cut-off from the outside world, left with promises that it would be fixed soon. Neighbors told me that it has been like that all the time. So I don't think they actually intended to repair this.
Then there was the extra cost in your budget of making phone calls. Every phone call was forwarded via the desk at the entrance, so they would dial the number for you, and it got registered. They tell you you have to pay when your amount will be 6 euro, but nobody tells you what you pay per minute.
You'd think they tell you on time right? But let's think again about the weekly budget, if this is only 40 euro and about half goes to diapers/formula and you have to pay that week 6 euro for phone costs also, this is a big cut in your budget.
And of course in my case they did not give a sign when it was over budget, but I got the bill at 11 euro!!!

Everybody has a phone, right?

I did too, but prepaid calls and bundles were a big more expensive than they are now. I would not have been able to manage with less than 20 euro a month costs for prepaid internet and telephone costs.
At this point I can manage with 6 euro a month, but I have a steady internet connection, that helps.. But they know you need this, or you can make the calls through the front desk and you are paying even more, because it's one big scam those costs.
They are charging you ridiculous amounts for just a few minutes conversations. People that are in a delicate situation, and yet the place that should be helping you is taking advantage of you in this way.

In the middle of nowhere without transportation

I had my bike with me with 2 child seats, but this was severely damaged, and could not be used unfortunately. I had an accident falling down with the 2 children on it, and my bags with cloths and groceries for the weekend in the previous shelter. When the bike fell, I wanted to protect the children from falling on the ground, so I held it with all my strength, and they had no injuries, luckily. The bike was another issue, it could not handle all the weight during the fall.. In the shelter where I stayed at that point they had told me they would repair it for free at the next location. Because on of my problems was the fact that that shelter was in the middle of nowhere for someone with no transportation. I lived in the big city, and the first shelter was in the city center, but this one was another story. So they promised me they would repair the bike for me, so I would not have to walk for hours to arrive somewhere.
But when I got there, I was held off for 2 months before they repaired it, and they did not repair it for free either. They charged me 120 euro from my money! Ridiculous right, promising to repair for free and then making me beg for it all that time to charge that amount!
All the time before it was repaired I had to walk with the stroller and my 2 year old son in it for more than 30 minutes to get my daughter to school. And vice versa, twice a day. This was no fun at all, especially not when the weather was bad.

What about public transport?

In the Netherlands you have to buy a card to use public transportation since a few years, this is the only option by now. And even if you could buy the single tickets (back then it was maybe still possible) it was so extremely expensive, and I had the luck that I needed several buses wherever I needed to go, because this was not a city buss but one that goes outside the city, so you always had to switch buss lines. And the lines from en to outside the city were also higher in costs than those inside the city.
But I had a card like this before I came there, so that was not the problem. The problem was that you have to put money on it upfront, and you cannot arrange this in the buss. You have to top up before you get in the bus, and then you have to activate this in the bus to be able to use that amount you put on the card. You have the option to buy it online if you can pay by card, but they took all of my money every month, so my bank account was empty. I had to go to the city (so good luck with the empty card if you could not top up on time) and there I could pay cash to do so.
But imagine that you top up 5 euro, this was just enough for one time to go to town.
So do you get the problem for when you have just a little week money every week? Do the math, they really make everything quite impossible.

Room for improvement

I think there should be some kind of budget for these things, even if it were only for appointments they want you to be present at for the sake of your children.
But they did not help me with this in any way, afterwards I look back on all these situations that had to do with money, and I can only come to the conclusion that they hope you to get in financial problems to they can put in their reports you have money problems.
And with that CPS is quite happy to have a better look on your situation because as you may know, it has been said before by other familyprotection member, that this can raise red flags that even go as far as removing your children..

Conclusion of this post

My conclusion of the period in the women's shelter that they made my life quite difficult when it comes to the financial part. I did not know that some women did not accept them to get the welfare on their account, at that point I was clueless, but please remember that you do have rights when it comes to your money even in the women's shelter.
Once they get that money on their account it is not that easy to change this back because they should have to approve sometimes, because the employees of the department that arranges this are well aware that you are in a shelter, and they have agreements behind the scenes. So be aware that this may be a problem to change.
You do your own math and see if you come to the same conclusion that this is all part of the game to keep you under CPS as long as possible.. But be brave and think for yourself!
When I do the math of the issues mentioned above, I should have not put up with it that long, but I was not in the fighters mode when I just arrived there. I thought to be in a more peaceful environment arriving at the last shelter, but I was wrong, the financial part had only just began by that time.

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I have some more to share about Child Protective Services and poverty, but this is not about the period in the women's shelter, so this will be posted in another post when I have finished it.

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Special thanks to @familysupport for setting up this initiative to help family's in need. Please visit their profile to read what the familysupport tag is about. If you write under this tag, please donate a bit of your earnings back to the community

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I write a lot about my period dealing with CPS, feel free to read my stories linked in this posy below.
Let's not be silenced anymore, and gather our strength, thanks for reading this little part of my story..

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My previous posts

Introduction of Anouk Nox

An introduction of Anouk Nox, I will not be silenced anymore! This year I will make a difference!

About being homeless

I was homeless a few year ago

How to get back your inner strength (part 2 from my story)

About domestic violence

Why you should always report domestic violence if you see this happening

How the police let me down from the first time I called them for help

The first days in a women's shelter with my 2 oldest kids, fled for their violent dad

How my kids and I fled to a women's shelter for their violent dad

About the narcissistic / psychopathic games my ex played

My ex filed for full custody and I was not told that this was happening

My ex made me believe his stepfather was sexually abusing my 2 oldest children

Tips dealing with CPS / youth care / government agencies

How I learned to speak up when disagreeing with social workers / CPS workers

Some very useful tips for when you have to deal with CPS (lessons I learned the hard way P1 - Documentations)

Useful tips P.2 : The importance of independent professionals (such as psychologists)

Open letters series by Anouk Nox

Open letter to my oldest daughter, who I haven't seen in 2 years

Feelings, thoughts and things on my mind

Tears seem to be endless today, missing my 2 oldest kids

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate