Open letter to my oldest daughter, who I haven't seen in 2 years

My sweet child, my beautiful daughter, my firstborn.. I haven't seen you in about 2 years when I'm writing you this open letter. We have been torn apart by bad people, with bad intentions.. This was not what I had in mind for your childhood, sweet beautiful girl of mine. 

Because lately I've been coming out with our horrible story that happened to us in Holland, I decided to also start writing to you and your brother, who I miss so badly. Hopefully one day, you will read these open letters and this way you can see what's going on in my mind. I hope you will understand later on in life, that our separation wasn't because I didn't want you sweetheart!

I know how smart you are, and I was so terribly proud when you skipped 2 classes months before they had torn us apart. Sadly they did not want to talk to your kindergarten teacher to hear her vision about your school results, otherwise things would have maybe turned out different at the time. Unbelievable that it was not important enough to hear the school that spoke with me about your higher intelligence. But I know you know mommy was very proud of you at the time, and I still am now, baby!

Last years have been hard for me because we were so far away from each other, and especially because this was the only way to make sure all of us were safe. My gut feeling told me, if we would not get out of the country, the bad people would never leave us alone, and I made the decision for you, your brother and your little half-sister to make sure all of you were safe. When mommy left, your father could never terrorize us again, because we told nobody where we went exactly. I knew he would have to focus on you and your little brother from now on.

I also knew that I was (again) going to look like the bad mother, because of what your father tried to insinuate for years. I took one for the team, let's leave it at that. I hope one day I can explain to you in person why things got so terrible, that I could not stay in the country anymore. If we hadn't left sweetheart, you would not have your mother anymore. I think it will be hard to understand this, but it is the honest truth. For years I had to talk around the truth when explaining things to you if you asked me about the situation, and why you didn't get to see me. Because I could not make your father look bad, I would be punished for this. But the truth is, your father is the one that made those decisions. He promised me to get you back as soon as we had a new house, but when we did, he told me no. Everything is in my power now, they won't come back to you.

I was broken, I cried days in a row, until my tears were gone.. I only wanted to give you the biggest hug ever, and just hold you. Make you feel loved. I know you remember many bad things that your father did to me in your presence, because you repeated this time after time. Every detail you remembered, no child should see this. I am truly sorry that I didn't get you out of this situation sooner, and that I kept hoping for a miracle. I am sorry that I really believed that things would change after your father made me that promise. And I am truly sorry for not seeing that I had to act otherwise to get us three out of that unhealthy environment. I did not know better back then. 

I hope you can forgive me my child, I can never turn back time, and I will have to deal with the consequences and pain of making those bad decisions for the rest of my life. I can only make sure that I will never make those kind of mistakes again in life. I can promise you that I will make sure your little sister won't ever be in that situation. Maybe that is a little comfort to you. Your stepfather who you adored at the last period we were together is taking good care of us, so don't worry about us. He also misses you two a lot, and we talk about you two often, and in my mind you are with me every second of the day. I even have your picture that your grandmother has in her wallet on my telephone background. Every time I unlock my telephone, I see your faces! Every time your little sisters sees your picture, she calls your name (almost perfectly pronounced) and gives you many kisses, she loves you!

I heard via the friend of your grandmother, that you skipped another class last year. And now you are turning 8 soon, and you already skipped two classes at school. I am so very very proud of you my girl. You are beautiful, and I love you so much! I hope it isn't because you are struggling so hard that you focus on school, but that you found a way to cope with missing your mother, like I had to do the other way around. Not because I accept it, but because I needed to make sure we got back on track and back in our strength. Stay strong sweetheart, we will meet again. And even though we will never get back those years, I know once we meet again, you will feel loved instantly. 

Mommy is writing every day as a sort of therapy to deal with, and one day a book will be published. I will keep a copy for both you and your brother, for when you both are old enough to deal with this heavy material. I don't want you two to be bothered with grownup stuff anymore, you had enough of that in the years we were together. I will sacrifice and wait until you are old enough. But in my heart, I hope the universe will decide it is time to be reunited sooner. Because every day without you two is so hard, and if I hadn't had the love of your stepfather and little sister, I wouldn't know how to cope with this pain. 

Know that we are doing well nowadays, we have a great house in Budapest these days. We have been living in Spain for a little longer than a year before this. But now we moved here because your little sisters father found a great job. He made it possible for me to focus on my writing again, and I am so thankful for this. Because I have a goal, and I am a mommy on a mission. And I promise you sweet baby girl, I will succeed. Even if it is the last thing that I'll do, we will meet again. 

Sweet sweet child of mine, when you look up in the sky, at the stars, know that we look at the same stars every night. And when you look up and see a full moon, know that your mother is always staring at that full moon days before it's at its fullest. Maybe this will keep us connected. I always stare at the moon and stars with your two in my mind. Hoping that you will hear my voice in your head. Remember that last year you received a card at your grandmothers house for your birthday with the same words in it? Just remember! Sometimes I have clear dreams about you, and when I wake up I feel sad because it was just a dream.

But please always remember, that the universe will bring us together again, keep faith. And know that you are loved a lot! 

My name here is an alias, this is not my real name, but I know one day you will figure out who Anouk Nox is, because you will find a way to my stories, and recognize them. This will be forever on the block chain, and you are forever in my heart.

Love, your mother

AnoukNox

This was my first post in a series of open letters I am writing to my daughter and son who I haven't seen in 2 years. I also am writing these open letters to people that could have made a difference in our situation, and could have stopped the psychopathic father destroying our lives, but didn't. But I also will write a letter to the people that have made a difference by standing by us, and not believing the lies, even though the harm was already done. I am writing under the FamilyProtection tag because I will keep raising awareness for all the families dealing with dangerous ex-partners/CPS workers/government corruption. Please support FamilyProtection because they stand out for those in need, and we should not be silenced anymore!

Thank you for your support, up-voting and re-steeming is very much appreciated! 

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