My ex filed for full custody and I was not told this was happening
By the time I fled to a women's shelter, my ex had shared custody together with me over our 2 kids. He did not get it long before this moment, because I always had this nasty gut feeling about it, after some things he had said. But several months before this he seemed to be willing to make things work as a family (after he had left the house again for a while) and for a few weeks he was really actually the person that I hoped him to be for a long time. But this was all a facade, unfortunately.
But as he made this effort to do his best, I had this stupid idea in my head that I should show him some trust too. And I felt bad that I did not sign the custody papers yet, and after all he would always be their father.
I found out that I could easily sign these documents online by using our digital signatures. So I did, and I did it without talking to anyone about this. My boyfriend was in my life already back then as my friend, and he told me afterwards, if you spoke to me about this, I would tell you to wait because he saw some things coming. But I thought we are both adults, and either way, we will still both be their parents. So I decided to fill the documents in, and the next day it was already confirmed by mail.
I told my ex (who was my partner at that time) that he was now sharing the custody with me. The same evening things got bad, he started to show his old behavior again, and a few days later I was beaten up, and in a women's shelter. Afterwards I found out the same night that we got the document he was at his girlfriend that he cheated me with for almost 2 years. This was a big slap in the face.
In the women's shelter I told the women from CPS that he just had the custody for a few days, and she agreed (after looking this up) that this was remarkable. But that was it. It meant nothing, didn't change their look on the case. Of course, because they were not there to help me or the children.
Then a long struggle of being in the shelter came, and we lost our house after a while (when I had moved in with my boyfriend). But we found a temporary one that did the trick for a short period, so we were not homeless anymore. At that point the children were living at his mother, which was all a total facade by him, and CPS fell for it. They promised me the world, and I got nothing. We did not get to see the children, and they did nothing about it. Because it was a volentary agreement (as if I had a choice) and therefor he could keep them away. You would think that some eyes would be opened by then, right?
After another period and when things seemed to look a bit better, because I finally got to see the children at the CPS office, as if I was the criminal one.. (but at least I saw them twice) there was a shocking e-mail in my mailbox.
From the new caseworker from CPS, he introduced himself to me and told me he had seen the father yesterday in court!
I had to read that part twice, in court? What the hell is he talking about?
He told me he would like to make an appointment as the father got full custody now over the children. Say what? Are you serious? I did not just read this, right?
Tears started to fall down, and they didn't stop. At this point the police was investigating our case, finally. And actually she opened a (her words) big stalking case against my ex. Actually they just told us that she already had enough evidence to arrest him, but she didn't want the case to be closed without any outcome, so the best thing to do was to keep talking and giving all the evidence from the last years. This was very hard for me, and very emotional going to this stuff again, and it already took weeks to come to this part. But finally there was a little light at the end of the tunnel and I even thought he would finally get arrested now. She spoke about the social workers and CPS workers to meet up to tell them about the case, I got this letter with her number and number of the case to give them for information. And they were not allowed to tell the father this.
And right at that point in this investigation the father filed for custody, and I didn't know anything about this! The caseworker said he had no address where he could find me, but the former CPS worker confirmed to me 2 months before by e-mail (I still have this of course) that she would change my address in my files. This previous woman was one that messed up many times, and she messed up big time, I actually can drink her blood to be honest. But let's not get into that part, of course the new guy could not be blamed, because if it's not in the files, what can he do?
We set up a meeting, and the guy seemed genuine, as far as you can consider one of those people to be genuine. I decided my best chance was to at least be open to him, and not start on the wrong foot. I told him about the stalking case, and he contacted this police officer, and he said at this point there is little you can do. What? Are you freaking serious? So if he would be arrested, he would still have total power over the children anyways? After all he has done, and keeping them from me? Of course the judge just thought that the mother did not care, because I didn't even show up.. I can't blame that judge, he didn't know better..
We tried to pull every string, but as the father found a house on time, they went moving in with him and they kind of told us, this will not be changing in the near future. Only is he will get arrested we will reconsider, but for now you have no change of getting them back. My daughter told me some worrying things in our last meeting at CPS, and I decided to contact the agency where the children get vaccinated in Holland and have to be checked every once in a while. And they just told me the father did not allow me to get info. Neither was I allowed to talk to the school to ask how the children were doing. Because I was preparing to collect more evidence that the children's health hadn't been that well since they went to his mother, and now living with them, he got informed about this, and he blocked every option for me to get documents about the children.
This was the final kick in the face.. I was deceived by CPS again, and now he had total control. I could not take it anymore, this together with the severe stalking activities, and the police that I could not get a hold on anymore was enough for me to decide this is all I can take. Either we stay in this hell, and he will keep power over me, and things will be getting even worse and more dangerous for us, or we leave and make sure we and our baby daughter are safe. And from that point we start to make a new plan when we are at peace again.
And so we did, and I can honestly say that it took at least a year before I could cope a bit with this. But if you are told that it will take some years for a judge to even concider them living with the other parent again, in our situation we could have not made a better decision.
It's hard, yes! It is really hard, but I am myself again, and even stronger, and determinated to fight back.. I will get those two I miss so hard back with me, and I will take the time I need to be so prepared that they won't see it coming. But this part about that hearing that I was not informed about, is hard to swallow. Looking back on it, it may even be done on purpose by that CPS woman that was our caseworker for too long.
On behalf of me and my children, thank you for your support since I found the courage to start writing here on Steemit!
Special thanks to @familysupport for setting up this initiative to help family's in need. Please visit their profile to read what the familysupport tag is about. If you write under this tag, please donate a bit of your earnings back to the community
I write a lot about my period dealing with CPS, feel free to read my stories linked in this posy below.
Let's not be silenced anymore, and gather our strength, thanks for reading this little part of my story..
My previous posts
Introduction of Anouk Nox
An introduction of Anouk Nox, I will not be silenced anymore! This year I will make a difference!
About being homeless
I was homeless a few year ago
How to get back your inner strength (part 2 from my story)
About domestic violence
Why you should always report domestic violence if you see this happening
How the police let me down from the first time I called them for help
The first days in a women's shelter with my 2 oldest kids, fled for their violent dad
How my kids and I fled to a women's shelter for their violent dad
About the narcissistic / psychopathic games my ex played
My ex made me believe his stepfather was sexually abusing my 2 oldest children
Tips dealing with CPS / youth care / government agencies
How I learned to speak up when disagreeing with social workers / CPS workers
Some very useful tips for when you have to deal with CPS (lessons I learned the hard way P1 - Documentations)
Useful tips P.2 : The importance of independent professionals (such as psychologists)
Open letters series by Anouk Nox
Open letter to my oldest daughter, who I haven't seen in 2 years
Feelings, thoughts and things on my mind
Tears seem to be endless today, missing my 2 oldest kids
To vaccinate or not to vaccinate
AnoukNox
Wat verschrikkelijk voor je! 😟 Onvoorstelbaar hoe dit is gelopen! Ik word er helemaal kwaad van als ik dit lees.. vreselijk dat je je kids nog steeds niet bij je hebt 😓 Wat knap zoals je er mee omgaat! Ik hoop dat er snel dingen gaan veranderen. Dit kan zo toch niet!!
Het is verschrikkelijk, en in Nederland had ik er nooit mee kunnen leren dealen. Omdat het stalken dusdanige ernstige vormen aan nam, waar je gewoon niet tegen bestand bent. Ik wist weg hier, anders komt het niet goed. En eerlijk gezegd doet het ook veel meer pijn te weten dat je kinderen om de hoek op school zitten en je ze niet mag zien dan dat je een paar landen verderop woont. Ik heb veel gehuild, veel geschreeuw enz enz.. maar door het schrijven nieuwe inzichten gekregen. EN door eindelijk weer in mijn eigen kracht te komen (want jeugdzorg en dit soort mensen zoals mijn ex halen je eigenwaarde volledig weg hoor als je kwetsbaar bent) ik weet wat ik kan en in mijn mars heb. Ik ben slimmer dan al die medewerkers bij elkaar, hun spelen alleen een vies spel samen. Ik ga de rollen nu omkeren. En jullie hebben zo te lezen ook out of the box moeten denken. Dat is helemaal mijn ding, anderen denken uhu natuurlijk, maar keer op keer met andere dingen is gebleken, dat ik het gewoon goed heb, en op mijn manier moet doen zoals ik voel dat ik het moet aanpakken. Nee ik speel niet meer met de spelletjes van de regering mee. Hun merken vanzelf wel wanneer ik van me laat horen. En dat gaat niet door middel van een brief naar BJZ zijn hoor. Ik pak dit veel groter aan.. Mensenrechten zijn geschonden en veel ook! ALles speelt onder 1 hoedje sinds de participatiewet. Die heeft ons echt de hel bezorgd. En velen anderen met ons overigens, veel schrijnende zaken gelezen .. Ik moet sterk blijven voor die kleine dame hier, en alleen als ik sterk blijf, ga ik bereiken wat ik wil bereiken. Mijn ex kan me niet meer bang maken hier, en hij heeft geen macht over mij, ik heb geen nachtmerries meer nacht in nacht uit, dus uit mijn slaap houden is ook over. Met een helder hoofd kun je veel bereiken, en laat dat nou net hetgene zijn dat hij daar van me afpakte. Voor een zitting hield hij ons weken uit onze slaap. Zodat we vooral niet meer logisch na konden denken.. Kan nog wel even doorgaan lol.. maar de rest volgt vanzelf hier :)
are using "Child Protection Agencies"
to take children away from loving families
and place them in foster care or group homes
or put up for adoption.
THESE FAMILIES NEED PROTECTING.
Thank-you @anouk.nox for supporting @familyprotection
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Ik heb met afschuw over het gedrag van je ex en bewondering voor jou je verhaal gelezen.
Wat moet het een moeilijke tijd voor je zijn geweest en nog.
Wens je veel sterkte toe.
Dag sterke vrouw, hou vol @ryannevanos
Dank je wel voor je lieve bericht. Helaas is dit echt nog maar het topje vd ijsberg om eerlijk te zijn. Ik denk dat ik sommige dingen niet eens durf neer te zetten nog. Maar schrijven werkt helend. En het gaat uiteindelijk goedkomen. Ik laat niet los, maar ik moest wel eerst zorgen dat wij en onze dochter (van mijn vriend nu dus niet die vader waar dit over gaat) in veiligheid waren. DIe was namelijk niet gestopt ons kapot te maken. En nu heeft hij 0 macht over mij. En heeft geen flauw idee wanneer hij iets gaat horen en op welke manier. Dat is in mijn voordeel.. Liefs :)
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very hard to deal with ... but, you're gonna get where you want to be, and your beloved children will be with you again.
Yes, yes and yes :) thanks !!!
That is so sad. You have been through a lot of emotion and tears. I feel for you. Life is short and you need to fight for your kids. An ex has generally betrayed the trust. So why subject yourself to more abuse? I understand you want to trust. I get it. But one must be wise. Most folks are thinking about their own self-interest. Particularly when the chips are down. I appreciate you telling your story. It takes conviction to open up and speak to the world. Thanks. You help others in their positions. Your story will help others to speak out. May life be better for you. Blessings.
Yes it is sad, I can only hope those two found a way to deal with it too, like I did. After I got out of this situation I had the time and peace of mind to study this kind of behavior, and I know lots about the patterns now, too late maybe for me. But not too late to share and help others, even if it will be only 1 person that opens their eyes on time. I am determined to get them back, and I will do it as I have planned, not in the way most people would do .. I know his tricks, and the tricks of CPS. I had lots of time to think about a plan to start working to that goal, and I've learned to listening to my inner voice. I know I am strong enough to succeed but it needs preparation.. I have to deliver the full package to succeed, so I have to keep writing :) And I will... Thanks for your kindness..
Het blijf ongelofelijk hoe dit allemaalzo gelopen is. You can only in the end be happy on what kind of turn your life has taken... for the better that is!
Yes, it is.. And honestly I am glad that by the time that turn has come (regarding the children) it is because I did that on my own strenght. Not because another agency helped me. I am calling the shots when I am done, and I will be more prepared then they ever were. I still remember every single detail.. And my ex will not , because he continuously told lies, those will fade, the truth will be remembered even if it's the 100th time you tell the story.. That's in my favor, not his.. time has gone by.. he will not be prepared once he hears from me. I am actually really looking forward to that look he will have on his face by then. (sorry but that's because of the 2 times I caught him with his own games, and he was speechless and that look.. priceless..) Now I know the ins and outs about that sick twisted mind of his.. He cannot surprise me anymore, I am ready to expect anything from him. It can only get better ;)
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whenever I read your story it really moves me but as I always tell you, insist, insist and do not give up
I won't believe me. But I had to get out of the evironment first where my ex had the power to let me live in fear.. And now he has no power anymore.. not even a bit.. and I gain back mine ;-)