How my kids and I fled to a women's shelter for their violent dad
Several years ago, I was in a bad relationship with the father of my 2 oldest kids. We had lots of fun before I got pregnant with our daughter, but when I turned out pregnant his true colors started showing. I should have listened to my gut feeling to leave when he got drunk and angry and pushed me on the bed really hard. He even choked me one time. But I kind of believed that we worked things out, because I wanted to be a family so bad.
Unfortunately he got drunk more days in the week, and he had a really bad drunk. Several girlfriends told me leave him, but I was scared to leave because I didn't know where to go. After our daughter was born he behaved for a little while, but soon he started falling back in old habbits again. I was the one taking care of our daughter all the time, and even when he was home, he wasn't there.
I always wanted a little brother or sister for my oldest, and when things seem calm, I convinced him to having a little brother or sister. I was so happy when only 2 months later I turned out pregnant. That evening when I wanted to tell him about the positive test, he started a conversation with: "You know that thing we discussed, about having another baby, we should wait with that". And there I was with my test, I told him it was too late, I allready expected another baby. From that moment on it was clear he didn't want this baby.
It was about one year later I found out why, exactly at that time he started cheating on me with the same girl that later would apear on meetings with child protective services, but this was years later. Back to the pregnancy.
When our little boy was born I was so happy, and we bonded during our time when I breastfed him. I instantly had the feeling that I had to protect him, and give him extra attention, because daddy didn't want him. And it turned out that even his parents showed the same, because when our daughter was sleeping over (she did this from a young age every once and a while) they never wanted her brothter there. Where they had no problem of taking care of a baby for a few hours when she was little, they always declined to sit her brother when he was young.
I accepted it, and just enjoyed taking care of him and our alone time, when my daughter would go to her grandparents. She loved it there, so I would let her go if she or they asked. When my son was about 6 months we got into a fight again and I decided enough is enough, so I was looking for options to leave. The father said he would leave the house and I could stay there with the kids. So he did.
After a short time, when I was becoming myself again ( later on I learned why I lost myself, I was in a relationship with a narcissistic man) he would instantly pull me back to him again. He started being sweet, a loving dad for the kids, to convince me we should get back together. I wanted to be a family, so I believed in his fairytales, eventhough my gut feeling warned me. Nowadays I always trust my gut feeling, but I had to learn this the hard way, and paid a big price for not listening to this feeling.
This scenario repeated itself in summertime, and also the coming back and begging to be a family again. All again after I was shining again, and felt happy with myself. He did his best for a few weeks, and until that time I was the only one with custody of the kids. Why? Because in the pregnancy of our daughter he was violent and a friend of mine warned me, let him register as the father, but whatever you do: do not arrange the custody yet. If he proves himself you can do this any day. But know one thing: if he isn't sincere, he can take the kid and you can't do anything about it because he has custody.
I always remembered this in the back of my mind, and listened to my gut feeling, until that summer. I was the kind of person that did want to have faith, and they were his kids too. And he was doing his best, I thought it should be time to give him some slack. Eventhough he had said in the pregnancy of my little boy, that he didn't want to register as a father. I totally got lost in the good feeling he gave me during the summer when he just got back to us. I specificly told him: don't come back if you aren't sure, because our daughter is getting too confused and I don't want to dissapoint her again when you leave. So I thought he would be cinsere. In a instant moment I arranged the court papers for custody, what I could do online easily.
Big mistake, as soon as this paper fell on the doormat a few days later, he was showing his true intentions again. He started not coming home, drinking, fighting in front of the kids. And he got violent shortly after this. It was clear to me, he had waited for this moment to arrive that I arranged the custody papers from both the kids. Because later on I learned he had playing a very sick game with me, with the kids in the middle.
Shortly after our son turned one, he got so violent in front of him (against me) and pulling him screaming out of my hands, while he wanted to be fed by me. Jumping on top of me while he was finally sleeping, refused me and our son to be in the bedroom, where he was. We had to sleep on the couch 2 nights, where my little boy was screaming and in tears because he felt my fear of his dad coming down with his temper.
Days before this he had come home one evening and I got the advice (after an angry phonecall from him) to record the conversation when he would come home. And I did, 2 hours of him telling me about his plans to ruin me, to get me hospitalized and taking the kids. But also him having many witnesses to make sure police and child protective services will believe him, and putting me in a bad spot. That I don't have to think I can win (as if the kids are trophies) because he had people with power on his hand. At the time I kinda laughed about it (as in: hello I am the mother, you really think you can do this, get out of here) but I can tell you, that every word he told me back then, has come true. He really has connections through every part of the system, because the sick things that happened to us, are definately partly due to government support.
One saturday morning before he had to leave to work, he gave me a head-butt with my boy standing there next to us. And then he started yelling: "Are you really now making up that I gave you a head-butt? Really?? You really are crazy" And I only yelled, well you did! He thought I was recording this, I guess. He came close to my ear, I was scared to death at that point, as I saw the devil in his eyes minutes before this. He whispered: "This was only the beginning, I am not done with you yet" .
After he left to work people advised me to leave to a women's shelter with the kids, my oldest was still at her grandparents house, so I had time to arrange things. I left that evening only 10 minutes after (I found this out later) he arrived home. And normally he should have been working for several more hours. He never got home early.
When we arrived at the shelter, both kids fell a sleep right away, then I felt safe again. Little did I know what kind of trouble I got myself into now. It was only a facade this help in the shelter..
This was the beginning of even more trouble, and I should have never gone there...
Click here if you want to read my other posts during the most difficult years in my life:
I was homeless a few years ago, How to get back your inner strenght
Turning my experience of being homeless into something good
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All of my posts are posted when I find the strenght to write about that particular part of my life. Some events are extremely painfull to relive, and write down, therefore it will cost me a lot of energy, and tears to finish the post.
My posts will not apear in chronological order, so sometimes there may be a period of a few years in between this and the next or previous post. Don't be confused by that, this is to make sure I can cope with it. I found a way of coping with the pain and grieve in the last 1,5 year or so.
Before this period I was lost, and could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. This is not so hard to understand, if you know what happened to us in a period of only a few years. Many people will not even experience this kind of horror in their whole lives. (Luckily!)
I plan on getting as much awareness as possible by sharing my story, and hope to help others open their eyes before things get out of hand. So your support is much appreciated! Resteeming too, of course.
Thank you for your support!
AnoukNox
This post has been Resteemed and Upvoted by @familyprotection
are using "Child Protection Agencies"
to take children away from loving families
and place them in foster care or group homes
or put up for adoption.
THESE FAMILIES NEED PROTECTING.
Thank-you @anouk.nox for supporting @familyprotection
Thanks @familyprotection for your support. Since I knew what happened to me, it was my goal to share this with others.. too many people will not see it coming what can happen in a simular situation. Lets hope sharing may help at least one person..
I don't know where you were when you went to the shelter... I had the contract to do repairs on the shelter in Cambridge MA. Except for the police I was the only man that knew where it was. The women that ran the place were very supportive to the mothers there. Almost all of the women I talked to there told me stories so similar to yours... how they fell prey to manipulative narcissistic men. I look forward to hearing more of your story and pray that things turn out well for you and your children.
I will tell more later, thanks for your reply. It was in Holland. The social workers that looked after us were sincere, it were the people that were put on the case that had another agenda. At first it never crossed my mind, just after all this had passed I put the puzzle together. I have many many examples of situations where they did not do the right thing. I will post more soon. I dont want to say that every place is like this, of course there are good ones, but I know that when you deal with a very sick partner (as in narcissistic or psychopathic) they will twirl the social workers around their fingers easily. Unfortunately I know many examples of other women too in Holland. I "escaped" (explain this later in another post) the second shelter on time, just before they took over everything. But my ex was allready executing his plan far along.. I just did not see it then, it simply was too hard to believe that he could succeed. Thanks for your support btw .. I will try to post every day as my story is very long and I remember every detail ..
They are excellent at manipulation... I'm guessing it was a state run shelter (that's what it sounds like to me). The one where I did repairs was private so there was no state intervention. I had a lot of friends on the police force and they recommended me for the job (I'm also not an abuser of women). One strange thing... I dated a couple of the women at the shelter and every one left me to get back into an abusive relationship- I could never quite figure that out. I'm looking forward to reading it and happy to support you... I post on @familyprotection quite a bit.
I am from Holland, live in Belgium. I do hate to hear things like this :-( What are your outlooks with your kids now?
I am writing all the horrible things down. I have a few more posts.. we got homeless so I had to surrender them to his family .. and from that moment he wouldnt let me see them. We also had a horrible CPS worker who made big mistakes.. today I will post another part of the story. But it is hard sometimes to write about it, so whatever comes to mind I write about.. Not in the actual order it happened. We had to flee to another country to escape the stalking activities. I lived in fear constantly.
You are not in Holland now? You got homeless but now you have a roof over your head? How long ago since you saw your children? Horror! my heart cries for you <3
After the homeless period I found the strenght to find a place to stay in a very bad condition, but we had no choice as I found out I was expecting. Everything looked fine for a few weeks only, then the stalking activities were getting horrible. This was a horror house, and they broke in to our room several times (get back to this in another post). The point is we got our baby after a few months, and we only got about 1 month of no stalking before the activities were getting dangerous. And we had to protect our baby from this horror. So I found a way to leave Holland, we found volenteering work in Spain, for this work we got a roof over our heads and food. The little money we had left from welfare we left with only 2 suitcases and the rest stayed there. After some months I found a job in Spain, and we could rent a house. So things were looking better for us. At the moment that I write this, we live in Budapest as my boyfriend found a job here with a permanent contract. So things are getting better for us here. But it is the time now to share my story as I don't want this to be one of the forgotten horror stories. When I can handle is emotionally, and when my book is in the stores (first I need to finish is) I want to be able to get to the european court about this situation. Not to Holland, but the European court of human rights. As they left us without income, then we lost the house and therefor I had to surrender the kids with the promise I would get them back when I would have a house again. But none of this was done. Instead they confirmed after 6 months no payment that we did have the right for this welfare every month, paid us the 6 months and the rest was our problem. So no turning back the eviction by giving us another house, while it was their fault, because we had the right to recieve it by applying. The most difficult thing is that from that moment on my ex would not accept me to see them, and not 1 social worker would do anything about it, they said: you have to agree together. While they promised me that I would get them back and it was a temporary thing. I saw them only twice after this. One time before I gave birth to their baby sister, and one time after. It was horrible being the one treated like I committed a crime while he was the dangerous one, and could get away with everything. I could not even be alone with them and had to see them at the CPS office. I haven't seen them for a little less than 2 years now. And it is horrible. But if we hadn't left Holland, I am convinced that I wouldnt be here anymore. He would either let me have killed myself or let someone else do this. They also cut our engine cables from the car while it was 33 degrees outside. And more of this sort of things. It is an impossible decision to make, but I felt that my only way to survive and keep the baby safe was leaving, and this would be the only way to cut him from having the power /control of my mind because I lived in fear constantly. Slowly I climbed up again emotionally, with ups and downs of course. And some days I cry like a baby about them, but I must keep the faith, that I will succeed bringing my story out, and that one day there will be some helping hand that shows me the right path to get this to the EU court, but for this my story needs to be clear on paper, and my goal is to have the book finished too for this moment comes. I have a plan, and my gut says I should follow it. So I will. Thanks for your kind words, I know some things are not in right order posting it, but I have a hard time talking about some parts some days, and therefore I post something else first. :)
The more you talk the more order you will form in your head! So please continue, how old are your kids now? And you have one girl, how old is she now? Have you got someone to help you write a book, even when it would not become a best seller it would help you so much. Do you want to write in Dutch or English. Are you having a good relation now? How would he be , when your other kids would be with you now? Di you ever hear something from your children? Do you know how they are now? Please write...
Me too. The creature still has my children and its been 9 years. The "government" is utterly worthless and should be abandoned.
@roundhouseranch I am sorry to hear that. The creature covers the load better than person indeed Because "people" doing this kind of cruel things to the other parent of their children don't deserve to be called human. I live in another country now, so he could not maintain the stalking activities and I could try climbing up again. He would not let me see them and after a year of being close but yet so far I could not handle it anymore. How are you dealing with it? Do you have some sort of support? I am lucky to have my soulmate who has been by my side the whole time. He makes it possible for me to pick up the writing again, now he is the one working fulltime. I find it healing to write. I can deal better with the pain when I share it. And I find it moving that there is a supporting group of people here on steemit. Take care! I will follow you..
Thanks! It is impossible to cope with. My mental health has suffered a lot. I am also blessed to have a decent man that I am married to now. I do not have any other family except his dad and 1 cousin. The community here on steemit is so warm and accepting and that helps a lot. Maybe I should try writing more but Ive been limiting the amount of time that I am willing to discuss these matters because of the triggers. I use plant medicines to keep my body functioning enough to survive. I fast and pray to YHWH a lot. I have studied my butt off for decades to try and find a solution. The only one that seems possible is defection from the state. I am following White Walking Feather here on steemit for instruction in how to do that. I am glad you got away. If I don't get away soon I am worried that I will end up dead or in prison for not being able to produce enough dollars to satisfy the extortionists. Thanks for following me and I'll follow you also.
Sad to hear that.. Luckily you found another good man too (like me) that is there for you. Like you mentioned, for us the only thing that stopped from being in that situation was leaving the country. We had no trust in any government help whatsoever. They messed up all the time. But we were in danger also due to the stalking and had to take our newborn (with my new boyfriend) out of that situation. So we left to another country to do volenteering work, taking only 2 suitcases with us. I am convinced if we did not leave, we wouldn't be here anymore. None of us. For us it turned out to be the right decision (although it is an impossible decission to make because you know you will be far away from the kids too) but I could start getting my strenght back like this. And I found a job, we lived there for 14 months, and now we are in Budapest where my boyfriend is working and we are doing well. Now is my time to share my story, and finish my book that I started a few years ago. I hope you will find back your strenght also, and wish you all the best
This is encouraging so thanks very much!
What a drama you have been through.
You can say that again.. but hopefully in the end, it will be good for something.. Doesn't take away the pain it gives to think about it.. Because even when the dad failed to maintain agreed visits with the kids, I still kept adapting and gave him time to see them. Little did I know that I should have been alarmed by his behaviour and warnings.. I thought what he says is not possible in a country like the Netherlands.. I thought I was protected instead of being a money maker for the system. But therefor I share my story so people will eventually (hopefully) know to be carefull when certain things happen. So that they can act otherwise and don't just trust on the pretty blue eyes of social workers when they say they will help you..
I've not been in a situation like you, but I learned a long time ago that there is only 'justice' for the one with the smooth talking, not the one who does everything according to the rules.
This is what people told me afterwards too, you should have done things by not following the rules.. but I simply kept believing it would be just fine. I knew nothing about the narcissistic or psychopathic behaviour.. now I hope to let my flaws be a lesson before it goes wrong.. Too many families torn apart worldwide ..
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I just hate it when i hear of domestic violence, I'm trying my best to create awareness for this
That's good! I will follow you :)
Thats cool
Oh wow. It has to take so much courage to write these stories down. I am so sorry you have gone through this. It is a sick man who pushes his wife so far and makes her flee the house with the children.