How-to get back your inner strength ? (part 2 of my story)

As a follow up on this post where I shared a bit of our story about being homeless a few years ago, I would like to share how we got out of the deep dark whole we were in that time. I had the luck of being together with my boyfriend, so I was never completely alone. Although it sometimes felt like that, let me tell you that.   

In our case sometimes I was the one depressed and wanted to end my life, when my boyfriend gave me the strength to go on again. Other days it was the other way around. It was pretty frustrating, because when one of us was feeling some hope again, the other would be dragging him/her down with the depressed and dark feelings. It was challenging not to hurt each other during that time we were homeless, because the only thing we had was each other.. And you need to ventilate your frustrations, anger, fear and pain to someone.    

The most painful feeling for a mom is to miss her kids  

In that period of begin homeless, I could not see things from a distance yet, this was too hard for me. Sometimes my boyfriend could, but I can tell you he is a more positive person by heart anyway. I had to learn after all that has been done to us how to turn things into positive things. Back then I really had a hard time doing so. I guess it was harder for me to deal with because there were also 2 kids involved that I could not have with me now. This is another story to tell, but I unfortunately have a narcissistic /psychopathic ex-boyfriend that happens to be their father. He made sure that when we got in to financial trouble, that I would be at my most miserable and lived in constant fear of him.  This way I could not manage to write the letters that needed to be written, get the help I needed to fight against his actions.      

The kids did not know about the problems with money, they had plenty to eat, we made sure they did not notice this. I made plenty of trades so they even had new toys and clothes. But in the country where I lived, it does not matter if you are the one going to a women’s shelter to run for the violent behaviour of your kids daddy, if they see you are the one in need and the other plays the game well, you will be the one in the spotlight. He had this planned all along, but I did not see it coming, due to keep believing in fairy tales. I will get back to this part of the story when I can emotionally, because writing this down is painful for me, and I found a way to cope with it so I must protect myself for not getting lost in this huge painful feeling of missing them. It hurts a lot when I think about how he made sure I cannot protect them from him anymore, when I know he is dangerous.

We slowly lost the strength we had    

We know we are a good team, and we know from ourselves and each other that we can make anything happen. Because we are smart and both have a good set of skills. We tried telling each other many times when the other was depressed, to keep faith, this can’t be the end of our lives. We have too much to offer to the world. But nobody sees it, and we did not feel the strength anymore to show it. That is a really frustrated feeling, and it makes you feel powerless and angry… 

We had the “luck” that every social worker or whatever the name of the job was, was incompetent to help in our complex situation. Because we were not just 2 homeless people, my ex-boyfriend made sure that I lived in fear 24/7 months and months in a row. This was the period that there were court hearings about the kids. And the one before everything went downhill, it did not look good for my ex. Because he only got 2 phone calls a week with our daughter, because he did not request to have calls with her brother! How can you only request this for one of your 2 kids??   

This gave me a brief power boost and a bit of faith in the justice system. And he noticed this, so he began stalking us full power. But he is smart, and he knows how to make sure to erase any kind of traces to him. He made sure I knew it was him, but all the incidents could not be added up by others at first.. This made me even more frustrated because his behaviour was getting dangerous and I got more scared every day.   

We did not only have to deal with flaws of the system about our income, but an eviction we tried to prevent (which failed) and at the same time I was struggling to make sure the judge would know what was happening to us. I had many hours of taped telephone calls, e-mails, text messages etc with evidence of what he did, and threats he made daily, but nobody took the time to dive into these things. Every person we spoke said go to that person, and so back and forward.    

When we lost the house, I had to bring the kids to a family member of his, not with a judge telling me to, but the promise of child protective services that when I found a house again, they would come back to me. I simply had no choice. Little did I know, that from that moment on he had all the power of them. He would tell at the meetings where we discussed how to make arrangements to see them, that I would be able to see them daily, and from the moment they went there, I did not see them for almost a year. And nobody, I repeat: NOBODY would think in their needs and stop him from preventing me to see them.    

I could only rest in this verdict to make sure I found myself back    

Most people will not understand when I say that the only way to get back on our feet, was to accept the fact that my ex was in total power of the kids. The 2 kids I had taken care of alone all those years, he was simply not there. This was an impossible decision to make, and I was fighting this in my head for months before I could convince myself that I had to do this right then. I kept seeing that every phone call I made to them, he was making it hard for them, and started fighting on the phone when they were standing next to him. I did not want to continue doing this to them, I could not change the way he put them in that position time after time, so I had to do what I thought was best for them.    

I made the decision to focus on finding a house again, and first we had to fight for what our right was, getting the welfare. Because we were still put with no income. I convinced myself that I could only make the right choices and respond the way that was good for the kids, when I was in a good place. I could not continue lying to them on the phone when they asked me why they could not see me. It would not be good for them to put their dad in a bad spot, but therefor I had to make excuses time after time because the truth was he kept me from seeing them.  

This  made me feel so powerless and sad, and angry, I lost myself for days after a phone call with them. I had to focus on other things to make sure in the future I was their power full mom again. And so I convinced my boyfriend (who first did fight that decision like I had been doing in my head for a while to myself when I considered this) that this was the best thing I could do for me right now. And there was not much left of “me” at the time. I was a only a shadow of who I used to be. It had to be done, I could take control over certain things, but not this part. And the only thing I wanted was them back, so it was really a tough thing to do.    

When I find a place where we could stay I had some peace a while. I started writing in that period. I started learning that I did not have to do what social services said, and I had a voice. But I was afraid of them before.. I started learning that I could give my vison on something, and when I substantiated it they could only swallow. I noticed this worked out well, and the files they wrote about us were getting positive. This gave me a boost, I felt a bit like me again. And every time this happened I gain more confident that I should listen to my gut feeling and let them know if I thought they had the wrong vision of whatever we spoke about.  

This was the beginning of me finding back me again   

I was really hard in the conditions we lived in, because this is only the tip of the iceberg I am telling now, the story is horrible, but I want to focus on turning it around now. It only has to take one positive feedback on you doing well at something to give back a bit of confidence. I had a support system in the meaning of my boyfriend, we were in this together. But not everybody has this.   

I want to ask you, if you have someone in your friends/family or just people you know a bit that are in a very tough position and struggling to keep their head up. Please do not judge them, but listen to what the tell you. Even if you cannot help them in any other way, just letting them tell you what’s on their mind can be of great help. Someone that is just listening without interrupting them. And if you have any good advice for that person, make sure you do not push advices on them that they have already tried. That is so very stressful and they could probably use their bit of strength better than to defend themselves to people they know. Even though you may mean well, try to listen in the first place.   

 A homeless person will not expect you to take them in your house after just a talk. A homeless person is a person that is in a bad situation for whatever reason it happened, it doesn’t mean the person is suddenly a zero, or stupid. If you can miss it, give them a cup of hot coffee or bring a sandwich (or both J ) We really were surprised how many people seem scared to contact you, or even talk to you because they think we can’t do anything or maybe they expect us to offer a bed. But all that we expected was to be treated normal. Like an individual! Remember: Homeless people are still people..    

This was part 2 of my story about being homeless and getting back my strength.. I will post a follow up on this too, please share your thoughts below and don’t forget to upvote or share is you think it was useful.    

The woman on the picture is not me, I still don't feel save on the internet and still have fears for my ex-boyfriend. So I try to remain anonymous . I found this picture at cardboard stories...

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All of my posts are posted when I find the strenght to write about that particular part of my life. Some events are extremely painfull to relive, and write down, therefore it will cost me a lot of energy, and tears to finish the post. Here you can find all of my posts that I posted under the #familyprotectiontag with my own personal story.

I was homeles a few years ago

How to get back your inner strenght 

Turning my experience of being homeless into something good

My posts will not apear in chronological order, so sometimes there may be a period of a few years in between this and the next or previous post. Don't be confused by that, this is to make sure I can cope with it. I found a way of coping with the pain and grieve in the last 1,5 year or so. Before this period I was lost, and could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. 

This is not so hard to understand, if you know what happened to us in a period of only a few years. Many people will not even experience this kind of horror in their whole lives. (Luckily!)

I plan on getting as much awareness as possible by sharing my story, and hope to help others open their eyes before things get out of hand. So your support is much appreciated! 

Resteeming too, of course. Thank you for your support!

AnoukNox