Tears seem to be endless today, missing my 2 oldest kids

I'm going through a bit of a hard time at this moment, because my oldest daughter's birthday is coming up. When she was born 8 years ago, never could I imagine that after some years our lives would totally change. The years before I fled to a women's shelter I was taking care of the 2 kids almost all the time, the father was too busy doing other things after work and in the weekends/holidays. The only persons that were of real help were the grandparents...

I have many memories from the years together, even from the period in the women's shelter. Maybe you would not believe if I say spending Christmas there was one of the memorable ones in years. There was no stress, no obligations, just us enjoying being together without the presence of the father that got way too drunk or even aggressive. At the moment that I went to the shelter one of the first things that crossed my mind was, that I would be there for the holidays. And actually it scared me a bit, because of the unknown. When the time came, the mothers became very close and were looking out for each other so we made the best out of it.

So the last period when we lived together we made good memories, and nowadays tears sometimes roll from my eyes endlessly because I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of one situation with my 2 oldest kids. Or when a birthday is coming up, like now, I keep crying for hours and hours and tears don't seem to stop falling down my face. In the beginning when we were separated, the hardest thing for me was realizing I would miss many milestones, and those milestones were sacred to me. Every milestone until then I had witnessed, and captured on camera. Every single one of them, I was present.

When you start missing them, they seem more important than they already were in the past. It hurts a lot, to think I wasn't there to hold my son's hand on the first day of school, especially because I let the father come with us when our daughter went to school the first day. The school teacher thought it was weird, because I was in the shelter, and normally those fathers are not allowed to enter the school. We were not on good terms, but I let him come with us anyway, as he is her father. It hurts me so much to realize how different he handled all these things after this. It hurts thinking about how those things must feel for the kids, that I am not there.

I had to hear by phone that my daughter started swimming classes, he did not bother to mention me, and made her go to those classes in another city, so I was too far away to show up anyways. He knew that we had no car anymore, and were waiting for welfare payments. How do you explain this to your child? In that period I still had weekly phone calls with the kids, and I found it so hard when they would ask me things like where I was. Because you cannot tell that your father is not allowing them to be there, you must not bother them with adult issues. But many times I was lost in finding the words, because my daughter is very smart, and she probably knew I wasn't telling the truth.

Last year I sent gifts to my mother for my daughters birthday, including a big card for my son. And then she asked the father if she could give them to her, on my behalf. He told her no, this will bring some emotions up (really?). But he would give those things on my behalf. I guess he never gave them, knowing him. He has excluded me in every single way, this was my last option to contact them, after this I decided not to try again with my mothers help, because she would ask him upfront, and probably things will disappear in the bin..

It hurts, a lot. I never excluded him like he is doing. And it hurts even more that CPS and all parties included don't seem to care about this. They only think about the money that my children bring in by being placed somewhere else before the went to live with him. I have to deal with missing them every day since I haven't seen them. I try to cope the best way I can, but like today, I can't stop crying.

A year ago I was a bigger mess emotionally than now, luckily I can cope with it better, and try to turn the negative into positive as soon as I can. And I don't have those days filled with tears for days in a row anymore, but sometimes they must come out, and I need to cry to get it out of my system to be able to continue my life without them. I know my writing is helping me heal, and sometimes I even come to new insights by writing. I am doing this for them, because when my whole story and book are written down in English, I need to hire a lawyer to get on this case.

And I know it won't be cheap, as it is a very complicated case, and I don't want to be half-prepared, everything that is important for the case, needs to be written down before I can start this process.
My ex started court hearings without me being informed by CPS, this time it will be the other way around, not meaning that he won't be informed, but he won't see it coming that I do have everything written down into detail, including evidence.

I know that I will feel it when the time has come to start this process, and that is still not close at this point. But I do know that every day that I write, I am one day closer to my goal. I am doing this for the 2 oldest kids, who I love so much, and who I miss every single day. I hope they found a way of coping with missing me too, like I try myself.
Out of sight, but never out of mind, ever... mommy is working hard to start the process of you coming back to me..

****Your comments, up votes & resteems are highly appreciated, and of big help in the future for reaching my goal!

AnoukNox

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