Filipino Jokes Translated for Western Tastes Part 29 (My Entry for Comedy Open Mic - Round 11)

in #funny5 years ago

Giphy

Good day, my fellow Steemers and Whalesharers! This is my 2nd post entry for the 11th round of Comedy Open Mic on Whaleshares.This is the 29th part of my series post about local Filipino jokes which I have translated for people of the English language. Please check out Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, and 28. Please read and pick the ones you like best. Tell me in the comments section on why you liked it.

I think nobody in Steemit and Whaleshares has done this kind of post series before. So I took it upon myself to do it even if you think it might not be popular or profitable. I just wanted to be the first to do this kind of thing. It would be up to you to decide, my fellow readers, if I was successful or not.

There are still a lot more Filipino local jokes that we need to be translating. These jokes are the products of the Filipinos' creativity, ingenuity, and love of social drinking.

Read and enjoy!



Lending money

MIKE: Buddy, can you loan me 200 Pesos?
PETER: Buddy, I only got 100 Pesos here.
MIKE: Okay, that will do! And remember, you still OWE me the remaining 100 Pesos!


The clocks in heaven

Image source

A child died and went to Heaven and met Saint Peter. Saint Peter showed him around. The child notices more clocks than he'd ever saw in his life adorning the halls of Heaven.

CHILD: Why are there clocks everywhere?
SAINT PETER: Each clocks represent a person's measurement for sinfulness, my child. The more a person accumulates sins, the faster his clock turns.
CHILD: I saw a clock barely turning at all!
SAINT PETER: That clock represents a pious missionary spreading the Gospel in the Middle East. A dangerous job indeed but his faith gave him courage.
CHILD: And that fast-turning clock?
SAINT PETER: That belonged to a crime lord. He plans evil and brings evil to communities.
CHILD: Well, I want to see the clock of President Trump! My father voted for him!
SAINT PETER: It is in my office. I'm using it as an electric fan!


Under the mango tree

In a remote mountain village, an innocent girl, wearing only a dress and without panties, climbed up up a mango tree to pick some mangoes. A priest was passing by underneath the mango tree and saw the girl's skirt wide open.

PRIEST: Good heavens! Girl, climb down here quickly!
INNOCENT GIRL: (climbing down) What is it, Father?
PRIEST: Here's 100 Pesos for you. I want you to buy some panties and wear them always. It is indecent and unladylike for a girl not to wear any!

The innocent girl thanked the priest and she went home. She told the good news to her mother about the priest's generosity. The next day, the mother then decided to disguised herself as her daughter to get some money and proceeded to climbed up the mango tree without wearing any panties! She stayed there until the priest passed by.

PRIEST: (Looking up and was surprised) My goodness! Girl, come down here quickly!
GIRL'S MOTHER: (Climbing down excited) Yes, Father?
PRIEST: Here's 10 Pesos. I want you to buy some razor blades. It is indecent and unladylike for a girl not to shave down there!


The parrot

Image source

PARROT: If you pull my left leg, I will sing! And if you will pull my right leg, I will recite a poem!
BOY: Wow, how talented you are! But what happens if I pull both your legs?
PARROT: Are you stupid? Of course, I will fall!



Gay soldier

Two soldiers were talking in the barracks.

SOLDIER 1: There's gonna be a surprise inspection tomorrow, buddy. Command is trying to weed out the gay soldiers.
SOLDIER 2: So why do we care? Were not gay anyway!
SOLDIER 1: Buddy, I know whose gay around here.
SOLDIER 2: Really??? Who?
SOLDIER 1: Kiss me first before I tell ya!



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