Inside the Mind of a Reluctant Cam Girl, and How Steemit Could Change My Life

in #introduceyourself7 years ago (edited)

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I’m not one of those cam girls that twerk with a cucumber in my vag while the cash register sound effects chime KA CHING KA CHING. Actually, I’m not much of a cam girl. I’ve done it many times, but I don’t identify with it, and usually, it leaves me feeling gross.

The thing is, I’m very sex positive. I think as long as you’re not hurting anyone, you should be able to do what you want. Sleep around, wait til marriage, polyamory, hook up with your ex, do it only for pleasure, make money from it, whatever. Still, after almost every cam session, I end up with a disgusting feeling that haunts me for days and produces real vomit in my throat.

I’m a writer. I left the US some years ago working as a freelance writer and writing tutor for a US company (and have time to focus on what I really love, poetry, art, reading, learning Spanish, climbing mountains, lying on empty beaches, you name it). I have been living this way since 2013, and it’s been awesome. My culture is nomadic, my spirit loves meeting new people and experiencing new things, and the vapid consumerism in the US is suffocating to me. The tutoring job pays just ok, and only offers part time work, so I always have to supplement it with other things. Typically, that has meant writing and editing jobs. I have moved around a lot, living in places where making US currency, even with part-time work, is sufficient. It’s sufficient if you don’t have a bunch of debt to pay, anyway. I used to be debt-free, but some major medical expenses for my dog left me scrambling. I love my dog, Luna, so much. I would pay anything for her. She is my soulmate.

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Last summer is when I began camming. It seemed kind of fun at first, or at the very least, interesting. And it’s all digital, so there’s no worrying about some psycho trapping you in a basement forever and feeding you crackers with cum-spread for lunch everyday. I was on one camming website, then another. In case you don’t really know how it works, a cam girl sits in front of her camera waiting for people to come in her room. Even when they come in, what she has to do is entice them to go private with her—anything in the public room is generally free (although public rooms have tipping options, but most of the people in the room are not tipping, they are just watching). In the private room, someone is paying you, and you should do what they say, because they pay you by the minute. The longer they are in there, the more money you make.

Anyway, the first week was, I don’t know if I’d call it fun, but it was interesting for sure. I learned about this world I had been fairly clueless about. It was all masturbating and spanking my own ass and dildo this and that, you can imagine. The guys were a mix of types ranging from sick perverts to sad-and-lonely-with-regular-perversions. I’m not one to judge. I only use the word sick because there did seem to be a sickness involved with some of them. Nothing was enough. After awhile, you get some regulars, and they’re nice, because they can be reliable for money, but they really start pushing for more and more. Not just a few of them. Almost all were doing this. Put this weird thing in your vag. I don’t care if the banana is soft, try it. Then put it in your mouth til you choke, and on and on. Dealing with these people where nothing is ever enough, it really left me feeling dark and empty. It’s not enough that you’re slapping yourself and choking yourself on a dildo you just shoved all the way inside of you.

No, now he wants me to bang it so hard that I start to bleed. One guy told me if I bled, he would give me $100 dollars just for that. And who knows if he would have. I didn’t do it, and he left, and I never “saw” him again.

The dark and empty feelings were coming from this pervasive culture of never-enough in the world of sex. With the internet oversaturated with free porn and camming and whatever you want at your fingertips, being turned on by less than all that is more and more difficult. I am 32, and in that regard, I am so grateful that I am not part of the younger generation. I can’t imagine being with a guy who just expects me to do whatever it takes to get him turned on and turning him on is not just a switch of the hips or sexy underwear or even pinning him to the kitchen counter and pulling his pants down. Guys expect girls to do truly demoralizing things, and that is becoming the norm. It is the norm. Maybe the young girls are just doing it without thinking twice.

For me, when camming, I couldn’t get myself to go along with a lot of what was being asked without feeling physically ill, especially after awhile. I started to dread signing on, and not just because I could be sitting there for hours waiting for someone to go private. I dreaded what I would have to do for the money. Plus, It was all so fake. I can’t be sure if the guys on the other end (more than half) that were asking me to come to where they were and meet up, asking if we could start emailing outside of the site, that sort of thing, if they really thought they were going to meet me, or if that was just part of their fantasy world, pretending that it was a possibility. The fact that it seemed that they really thought it was a possibility was also deeply saddening to me. What made me feel worse was playing along with it. I’m such a real, open person in my non-cam life that talking about meeting up seemed so absurd to me. I went with it though, for the money :(

My current state of finances, after another round of vet bills (when a vet told me he was sure my dog’s tumor was cancerous and that she had months to live-which turned out to be untrue, a wrenching story you can read about here: https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@jessandthesea/i-will-never-be-the-same-because-of-one-horrible-veterinarian-still-the-story-has-a-happy-ending) and not having much freelance work coming through, led me to camming again. This time, the rising vomit feeling when a session is done has gotten worse, and I definitely have spent a chunk of time crying. What is it that makes me feel so awful? It’s the way the guys treat me, and the way I let them treat me because of the money. A male friend told me I am lucky to have the option to cam. Guys don’t generally make as much money, especially if they aren’t gay. I don’t really feel lucky, though logically, I can see his point.

So, I have to say, having found Steemit this week has been a beacon of hope. I constantly apply for various writing and editing gigs, but it could be with the online-work-life trending so hard, that the market is saturated, and not only saturated, full of people willing to do the work for less than its worth (at least for a professional). Maybe Steemit could be a way out of debt and out of camming? Maybe this could be a lovely and warm platform for me to share my writing, my stories, my ideas, my everything. I love sharing, especially when people are listening. It seems too good to be true. I wonder.

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Whatever the case, here I am, and here I’ll be. Hopefully I’ll be here more than naked on the screen from now on. I much much much much prefer this. Thanks for listening, if you’re listening.

xoxo,

Jessica

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Oh my. I knew that some girls doing caming, but your story was shock for me. It is whole industry now, I did't know it is so wide spread.

It is great that you found STEEM. Price is good right now and we all can enjoy it. But who knows how long it will be the case. It may fall, it may be down for a months, you may not get enough reward, but stick with your writing, in the long term - it will pay of.

Thanks for sharing. I wish you the best and I'll keep an eye out for your posts

holy shit Jessica...that sounds really hard. I think I would fall to pieces. I am practically falling to pieces just reading about it. It's horrible. You sound like a really positive and creative and caring person, and you're definitely a great writer. I bet you'll do awesome here.

God, I just want to cry reading about it all...it's kinda hard for me to cry, but it's getting easier all the time. Luna is so adorable!!! I'm sure she is so happy to be with you =)

Porn is so weird...my girlfriend and I talk about it all the time. We both love to get naked and love people's bodies, and love sex..and there's such a big disconnect growing there for so many people, and the industry around it just feed this strangeness of unreality... I look at porn sometimes, I love reddit GoneWild, it's all free and consensual, just people that want to get naked and share just cause.

Your writing is fantastic =) I'm glad you're here...you're gonna do really well for yourself, I can tell. Thank you for sharing with us Jessica...I love how open you are about whats going on inside your head and heart. I want to hear more ! don't stop

also, I think Steemit is going to be a good community for real sex talk, but it's not quite yet, or I haven't seen many people talking about sex on here yet..but hope to see more

pps I'm resteeming this and dropping some whale tokens on it, it should get you a good start, looking forward to learning more about you and luna

Thank you for your kind words. They really, really mean a lot to me. Also, I agree 100% about porn and nakedness. It can be a beautiful thing, and it sinks me a little to see the world going this way, turning it into something sad.

I know I am a strong person. That's why I went that route of camming. The worst that could happen is I would break a bit, and then build myself back up even stronger. I suppose that is what is happening now.

As far as the sex talk, I have a friend who is all about reddit who told me steemit is still pretty conservative. I think a person can be conservative and still accept and listen to the reality of things around them. I didn't write anything lewd, after all. This is just the truth. And I feel comfortable not censoring myself here, which is amazing. Hopefully that feeling continues.

Thank you again for everything you said, and for reading. xoxo

lol!!! I just read your profile description, I think I must be an ENFP too :P no wonder

ENFP solidarity <3 <3

hey Jess, if you have a moment, tomorrow, go say hi to my friend Lily, she's a badass appalachia forest mama, who just did her first post...and I want her to meet some good folks, and not just all the greeting bots!

THANK YOU JESS!!!!!! I give you INFINITE REMOTE HUGS!!! HUG++

I found her!! She is GREAT <333 bear hugs to you too! Thanks for the tip. I always love some good reading from new digital friends.

thankYOU Jess!! I really appreciate it

Welcome to STEEMIT Jessica! Yeah, you really do have some great stories in your posts, quite captivating, and great start on STEEMIT!

So, I have to say, having found Steemit this week has been a beacon of hope.

And this is awesome! :)

thank you!! I think I have endless stories. They'll be coming out soon :) I am really loving steemit. telling all my friends to come on down!

also, thank you for the whale tokens! I am not sure what that means, but I think it's good, right?? I'm still super new here...

xoxoxo

you're very welcome...it means that OfficialFuzzy gave you a big 36% upvote :P that was when your post reward went from $20 to 80$, should give you a bit of lift to make it out to the whole platform.

wow, awesome :) I will just have to find OfficialFuzzy and thank them for their kindness!

I really feel for you, it must have been so degrading and demoralising. Nobody should feel the need to go to such lengths to earn money to pay for vet bills.

As sad as your post is it is beautifully written, although can I advise you to add a #NSFW tag? There are some prudes around who might flag your post without it.

Welcome to Steemit, I wish luck but with your writing skills I doubt you will need it.

#nsfw, good call. I am new here, didn't even think of it. Thank you so much <3 <3

did you notice that you randowhaled your own comment?

Yup, it was quite late and I wasn't in full control of my faculties 🙃

So I sent 5 SBD to @jessandthesea

god i know how that feels

It's the thought that counts eh! 😂

what does that mean (randowhale), and how is it done???

It's a Whale bot you send some money to and it will upvote your post by a random amount

A great post, thanks for being brave enough to share. You seem like a very genuine lady with a great energy, but it looks like many of these guys have been akin to leeches (energy leeches). I'm certainly no prude and have lived a fairly wild life myself but some of these guys are an embarrassment to my sex. Any negativity that you feel is a reflection on them and not yourself, I suppose in a way they are a mirror to a society that has lost it's way and fallen from grace and that's disturbing in itself. Good on you, stay true and you'll do great here .. welcome to Steemit.

Thank you for your support :) The negativity, maybe they don't even view it that way. They might just think it's fine, or normal. I don't know. I know not everyone has the same experience as I have had, nor does it make everyone feel the way it has made me feel. It does feel better to get it out though <3

No problem, happy to support :) .. I suppose the negativity that you feel after camming is related to how these particular guys make you feel and as such is a reflection of their negative and delusional perception of women. If a woman feels happy doing it and with no such negativity that's fine and power to them. I think the difference is that some are cam girls and some are girls that cam .. if that makes sense :)

makes perfect sense. that is a great way to put it!

Wow! Your story was amazing & Luna is so cute! Your a very strong and confident women to reveal basically one of your darkest moments in life. But for you to do all that and to go thru that mental torture on yourself says just how much you really love that dog!! I have 6 furbabies and id do anything to save them but id probably just go into debt lol
You are definitely going to do well on here your a great writer! Your story really got me i couldnt stop reading it! Well welcome to Steemit & im going to follow you so i can read more of your stories💖

Ahhh Luna says thank you, and also from me too. I'm glad the story could bring something positive or good. I love writing, and it is lovely to be able to share things, even if they are not such a perfect vision of goodness, sharing helps inform and make things better, I hope <3

That was probably the most gripping post I've read so far on Steemit. I can really appreciate that you went so far into detail about your story. And I love the touch of humor in your writing. Works well among the serious stuff.

It's sad that there's such a desperation to make money in these times. You get hit with a large bill, and yeah you're screwed. This paycheck-to-paycheck thing is a nightmare. But thank you for talking about this subject. It's something that I don't think has been widely discussed yet, though it should be.

May I ask you two questions about camming (out of curiosity)? These are a couple things I've always wondered.

  1. What prevents guys from screen capping your cam sessions to either watch later (for free) or post online for everyone to see? Did you ever worry about your nudes being posted somewhere else?

  2. If you put your picture out there, there's always a chance someone could run into you in person after seeing you on one of those sites. Were you ever worried that you would encounter or be stalked by some creep?

Hey, thanks for reading/listening <3

To answer your questions, I suppose they could screencap my cam sessions, but I think most of the camming websites have features to prevent that. I decided before I started camming that I wouldn't really care if someone I knew saw my nudes. They can think what they want about me, and always will. I am who I am.

I threat of a stalker--and I've only had one (who to my knowledge was never aware of my camming, he was just a weirdo)--never concerned me any more than plane crashes or terrorist attacks. My name was fake on all the camming sites, so it would have been hard to track me down anyway. If someone saw a picture and then recognized me and then ALSO happened to be violent and dangerous, that would have sucked, but it seems like a long shot for all that to happen, especially with all the cammers out there now.

Thanks for replying. You're braver than I am. I would be too paranoid about those situations, however unlikely they are. But then again, I am the type that is paranoid about terrorist attacks and plane crashes.

Wow, what a story. Unfortunately there are many out there who have it even worse. I have done lots of research on sex trafficking and such and it is a very dark but real part of our world.
I don't actually thing most guys or girls are like what u see in the cam rooms, they are there because as u said they are either super lonely or sick. So those types go to the cam rooms.
There is hope for people having a nice relationship and of making love not just crazy perverted fucking to get off.
Anyways great to see you here, I am sure u will make enough here in a couple months to live on. If u look at the successful people and take some advise u will do well. You have already succeeded in the most difficult part which is writing honestly. People love honest writers. I feel you will find lots of support here and u will then be able to write a super success story about how Steemit changed your life!
I wil give you a follow to watch your progress!
Best Regards~*~

yeah, it's really sad all of the sex trafficking. horrifying =( did you find any organizations or people out there quinneaker that are helping in a realistic way?

Not really, I have seen people try and expose it, I have seen journalists and activists try and expose it or investigate it. The problem is that its all organized and run by the SUPER HIGH UPS. Like presidents, prime ministers, govoners, congressmen etc.
We just need people to start living like @gardenofeden and almost all problems would be non existent.

ufff yeah, the sex trafficking world is just horrifying. I am lucky to have been born into a situation where that would never be part of my world, at least. everything has their journey though, I guess. thanks for listening to my story! xoxo

Yes there is always someone who has it worse than us.....
Yes I think u will do well here and I gave u a follow and up vote so will be watching ur progress!

Welcome to Steemit! You nailed your introductory post! Although what you wrote had some colorful meatphors I don't think you had to use the nsfw tag (just my opinion though).

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Here's some links that may help... https://www.steemithelp.net/

https://steemit.com/steemit/@igsamuel/how-to-succeed-on-steemit-quick-guide-for-beginners

Upvoted and Following you

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I'm in my 30's too and I do worry about the younger generation and them never being told, "No." Thinking they can get whatever they want in life. I don't think it's everyone though. The people I know are good people, and the guys respect women. So don't give up hope on humanity. I think when you hang out in a dark world, it's hard to see the good sometimes. It's also part of the culture too. Certain aspects of society are pushed to the fringes because it's either illegal (not necessarily immoral), taboo, or just not openly talked about. So the people that are involved in these areas might be heavily weighted toward "abnormal" or "sick".

Welcome to Steemit @jessandthesea :)

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