How to Conjure and Practice Empathy
Picture it: you're got a room full of twitching children. Your nerves are already on edge because it's been one of those days. Little Johnny starts acting out. Which makes his neighbors laugh and edge toward misbehaving. You warn all involved. All is quiet for a few but Johnny is true to his MO and starts eliciting responses from his peers. This keeps going around in circles until you've lost control of the entire group.
Empathy is the ability to recognize the emotions in others, and understanding their perspective and reality. Sometimes it's easy to be empathetic. Especially when you know the backstory- a child suffered a trauma so her grades are slipping and she is acting out. This will pull at your heartstrings and lead you to doing everything you can to help her through.
But what if everything seems normal? You know little Johhnys mom, she leads the PTA. And his dad is co-coach to Little League. They live in a nice house, have 2.3 cars, afford Coach bags and dinners out five nights a week. His parents are not divorced and he has every advantage an upper middle class boy can have.
There is always more to the story. And you will probably never know the truth.
This is when your empathy muscles will be exercised the greatest. When the package seems pristine on the outside there is no reason to believe there may be damage on the inside. And will stretch your powers to their breaking point.
Humans do not act out for no reason. It is not up to you to be Sherlock and dig to the bottom of the unsolved case- unless you belive there is criminal activity. It is up to you to be kind to all. To show the upmost compassion for everyone, equally.
The loudest and the quietest are the ones in the most pain.
Even though he is shredding your nerves like parmesan on pasta, you must treat the little Johnnys of the world with love can TLC. It is up to the law and a Judge to determine whether he is guilty. It is up to you to show him there are people surrounding him who care. People he can trust and count on.
Put yourself in their shoes. It may not be so cut and dry, as in Johnnys case, but you can still imagine. Granted you can never fully understand a situation if you have not been through it, but you can get a decent idea of what that person might be going through. People usually are not setting out to be mean and disruptive. They may simply be reacting to the situation they are in using limited tools. They may not have the knowledge needed.
Imagine how you might act or react in their shoes. There is an awful lot that goes on behind the smile they might be putting one for show.
Communication is key to any interpersonal relationship. Talking about things gives you both a greater perspective, as well as a deeper understanding of what you both are experiencing. Develop a language if you havve to. Utilize key words and safe words as code.
Validation is important. Everyone wants to be seen and heard. Recognizing and acknowledging does not necessarily have to mean you agree with their actions! It means you see them as an individual with real emotions and needs. When they feel you do this, they will let down their defenses and be more willing to listen to you.
Listen carefully. Not only in what they say, but in what they don't say.
And ask them what they want, what they need, and what they should do. The answer will tell you a lot.
And be patient with yourself. Empathy is a skill that will develop and fine tune throughout your lifetime.
Images via Pexels and Pixabay
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Empathy is a skill that can be learnt and taught to others and I believe its best taught at a young age.. and how do we do that? By role modelling empathy to children. Showing them how the other person might have felt.
Empathy is a very important skill to have as I find those who dont lack any real emotion and are a bit disconnected from communication
Absolutely. Children learn from watching the adults, and emulate our actions- not our words. Being a role model and"being that which we wish to see" is the number one most important teaching tool. :)
YES! :)
'when the package looks pristine on the outside there is no reason to believe there is damage in the inside'.
That is exactly where empathy and intuition oppose the ego's incapability of grasping feeling.
Empathy and Intuition allow us to see that which lies without the eye. And the more we cultivate this gift we all have, the more our FEELING becomes our new logic.
The ego only sees that which lies within the eye. And the more we cultivate our ego the more we become shut close to the Feeling, as the ego cannot feel.
Also the point with 'Imagine how you would act in their shoes'.
This is a big one.
YES. As long as we are stuck in our own thoughts we cannot possibly know others. Because we virtually always transfer personal past experiences onto yet unknown persons and draw preemptive conclusions about that person based on congruencies with people we know. Even more, not looking out of box means we are devoid of empathy towards others but also towards ourselves, because most often we are also blind to our own feelings...
That is a very important topic. Empathy to others and ourselves is so helpful and necessary, especially these days. Thank you for addressing it!
Exactly. And very well said.
Drawing conclusions is a tricky business. One must be careful as to not force too much of their own experience into the situation- keeping in mind everyone reacts differently to an event.
Practicing empathy toward the other while removing oneself, essentially.
And, oh yes- empathy to oneself is just as important. We humans have a tendency to be easier and kinder to others than we are on ourselves.
:)
Empathy empathy empathy...I have always been a fan. I always tell people that it is better to be empathetic about something than sympathetic.
Sympathy will only make you feign fake feelings towards the travils of others but when you become empathetic, you have genuine feelings towards the situation of the person.
The only way to be empathetic from my own point of view is when you have walked in that person's shoes. There's no way you can actually feel what someone is feeling if the exact same thing hasn't happened to you. You can't just imaginarily put yourself in the persons shoes, doesn't work that way. A person who has never been involved in an accident can never know how it feels to be traumatised by an accident experience and so even when he feels sorry for you...it can never be as genuine as someone who has experienced it first hand before.
Yet when one realizes this, they can offer empathy with an open heart. And even though they cannot understand, the person feel the genuine nature of the act itself, and that is what comforts their pain...
Jesus made it clear in one of his teachings if you are without sin, be the first 2 cast to cast a stone to d adulterous woman"
Human beings In general are always quick to judge without considering how they might react in the shoes of that person..
But like u said above, communication is the best key for interpersonal relationships.
In some cases were the person is an introvert, how do you relate with such people?
Agreed.
With dealing with introverts, you have to cue in on facial expressions and body language and read them, moreso than extroverts. Perhaps you can develop a language in which to communicate, or key words and phrases.
I am amazed at the way people seem to don’t care about what others are going through or dealing with in life unless it happens to them or affects them in some way. If it’s not affecting them, they don’t give a HOOT! I believe this is another one of the many problems we have in our society and in the world in general. I am not saying that we are to take on other people’s personal issues (I would never say that), or to turn a blind eye if their personal issue is affecting their lively hood. But I am saying when we are told of an issue we should, at least, take a moment to put ourselves in that person’s shoes and show some form of understanding of what they may be experiencing, and acknowledge, the fact that they are going through something. We see it every day when a child or spouse or even a friend comes to us with a problem and we are too busy at that moment to listen. We say things like “I am busy right now, can we talk about it later?” only to find out later was forgotten about and therefore never arrived.
You reminded me of a sad video that I wish I would never have seen a few years ago. It was captured by traffic cams. It first shows a dog who was hit on a freeway. Another dog braved four lanes of fast moving traffic, grabbed his injured friend by the scruff, and drug his injured body all four lanes to safety. I cried. Then it showed footage of a child who was hit on a road. People kept right on going. I cried harder.
Incredible enlightenment continues to work good luck compact, @arbittarykitten
I'm happy it's inspirational for you :)
Well said! Thanks :)
I find it hard to show empathy sometimes so this was a good read. The problem I have is that sometimes those close to me don't show me any empathy. They want me to just get over it. It is something I find difficult to understand. In return, I end up showing them empathy and channeling my situation some other way.
I get accused of being too smart a lot. I think they give me too much credit. I don't think they've seen one of @arbitrarykitten's articles :)
I think it's important to not live life reflecting what happens around us, I believe we should live life based on how we want- what feels good to us. And I always have hope that by living the change we wish to see, we will start a chain reaction ;)
I enjoy being who I am. People tell me I am kind and considerate and sweet. But I am just me. lol, if that makes sense :) I live life the way I feel, I am just me, acting and reacting how it comes naturally.
Lol, thanks hun <3 Feel free to show my articles ;) Spread the good word <3
Brilliant essay. I agree completely with what you say. We’ve all been there and, probably, many more of us than would like to admit, have been a “little Johnny of the world.”
lol, right!