Remember that guy I posted about earlier this month who placed an emergency personal ad stating his desire to meet a "strong gened, attractive and worthy" woman with which to copulate with during the Eclipse in order to conceive a child?

Man oh man.. Sigh. That fella left an indelible mark upon this Kitten! I really hate to admit this, but it's like the accident scene where you just can't look away- this dude wrapped a tentacle around a piece of my memory center and has not let go yet!
Help!!!

Here's the screenshot in case you missed it. It is simply.... out of this world...

Must love cats

I am a part time Dating Consultant. Basically I help gentlemen do dating right. If you have ever dipped your toe into the world of online dating, you know what I mean by it's a big huge crazy mess out there!

After the initial get to know you phone call, the first thing I do is pimp his profile. Using my masterful Word Dominatrix skills, I clean up the sentences and electrify his description.

For instance:

His profile comes to me as: I am an introspective HWP man with a wonderful sense of humor who like scuba diving, long walks on the beach, and picnics. I am looking for an active woman to be my friend first, and who is long term relationship minded for a passionate life. Coffee or cocktails first to see if we mesh.

I change it to: Our first date will be something simple and easy like cocktails or coffee, something sufficient and short. That way neither of us have to go through the trouble of bothering our best friend to prepare for an emergency savior call if things go south quickly. But our second date? You better go to bed early because you're going to need your energy!

We will meet at the dive shop for our wetsuit fitting and explore the reefs and sea life together. Afterwards, the ravenous appetites we worked up by scuba diving don't have to go far as I will have prepared a scrumptious picnic to enjoy as we chat about the mysteries of the universe while the waves lull us into a harmonious symphony of shared openness. Then we will take a long walk on the beach while holding hands and watch the moon rise to signal the end of our spectacular date.

Just a few improvements to help him stand out from the rest, and give him a fighting chance considering the male female ratio.

I never got the pleasure of dating someone from a profile, as I was the one pimping the profiles, but there are things I have seen that cannot be unseen.

3 Put Your Best Face Forward

You would be amazed at how many profile photos are not recent. Like, a hundred pounds or TEN years not recent! I understand your wanting to appear attractive, but the term "catfish" wasn't invented for no reason...

You want someone to like you for you, right? Use a recent picture!

2 Bots, Bots, and More Bots

The majority of dating profiles are of men. It's just the way the online dating world works. And (in general) most online dating sites charge the men for their profile, and make it free to women to entice them into creating a page and finding true love. To make it enticing for a guy to shell out these big bucks, the dating website has to add a number of fake female profiles. If a guy knew how very few real live females were actually on the site, he'd never spend a dime. Think you're talking to a cute girl? There's a chance it's actually an employee of the website. And it's probably a guy.

1 Speaking of Pictures

Soon after I began working in the field, I grew curious as to the other side of it. I wanted to know what a live female experienced on these sites so as to better serve my clients by giving them the insiders view.

Oh, the trauma. I had to see a therapist after that bright idea...

The dick pics. My oh my, I wanna know who the first flasher of his random one eyed sausage soldier to an unsuspecting victim is. I want to sit him down and tell him there is a much better way. And his followers? I fear there is little hope, Obi Wan.

I mean, seriously, this is how those always went:

Me: Hi! I enjoyed your profile and would like to get to know you, check mine out and let me know if you're interested!
Him: Hey there! I liked your profile, too, where do you live?
Me: Seattle, you?
Him: Me too! immediately dick pik consumes my screen to my absolute surprise.

Is it for shock value guys? We just began talking! We have only exchanged maybe one minute of typed conversation! Did I give you any indication that I wanted to see your slithering fun rod? Is your quivering meat stick that excited that a girl talked to you that you must photo document it bobbing for joy?

Or, do you actually get hook ups with this method?

Most men do not do this. But it's around 1 in 7 ~ for real.

Guys. I charge hundreds of dollars per client per month for this advice. For the sake of women worldwide I am giving the absolute most important piece of advice with you for the low low price of one full upvote. Keep the one eyed wonder weasel at ease until things get hot and heavy in the sheets. The ladies, and your Ego, will thank you for it :)

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You are amazing just the way you are :) Be yourself- you're the one best at it anyway :D

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Images via giphy and

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