From "Ragnarok Conspiracy"; Part Two Chapter four
This time a bit short installment of Ragnarok Conspiracy. Note that this is still a work in progress and an unedited draft. All feedback is highly welcomed.
In this chapter, we revisit Pete, six years after we first met him in Chapter six of part one. We get the first glimpse of postwar Europe and of Pete's brother Robert who we know plays a leading role in part three of Ragnarok Conspiracy (see chapter one and two of part three) that plays a number of years after this scene.
Normally I always post my chapters at 100% (power up). From now on, however, I am switching to Default (50%/50%) so I can share whatever I make on my chapter posts with you as beta readers. If you see anything in this chapter that you feel could be improved upon, please comment below. I will upvote all real and constructive feedback and editing suggestions, and shall be running a @croupierbot facilitated lottery in seven days with the full SBD part of post pay-out as price.
Have fun reading and please consider submitting some feedback to help me improve my story. Oh, and if you enjoy my work, please consider voting for me (@pibara) in the "Six of the Best" MAP20 Minnow Contest
Pete
Randstad Conurbation, Northern Neutral Territories, December 22nd, 2042
So good to see you, Peter.
Robert had grown up quite a bit since Pete had last laid eyes on him. He still looked much younger though than Pete had at his age, and much skinnier as well, but the last time Pete had seen his kid brother he had only just turned ten years old.
My condolences Robert, I am so sorry I couldn't come to the funeral last month. How have you been holding up?
It has been really hard on me Peter. I still can't believe mom is gone. But I am coping for now. Please come in Pete, I truly can't express how grateful I am that you agreed to spend the holidays here with me. Being alone here in this big house is driving me crazy. This house just doesn't feel like home anymore now that mom isn't here. I bought a Christmas tree last week. I just can't Peter. It doesn't feel right without her Pete. It's just standing there without lights. Without any decorations. I don't know what I was thinking buying it. So glad you are here Pete. Please sit down I'll make you a cup of coffee.
Calm down Robert, it's OK. The coffee can wait. It took me some time getting my papers sorted, but I'm fully back now and I am here to stay. In ten days my working permit gets activated. In ten months I'll have my nationality sorted again and can get my career back on track. Till then, I've got a good lead on a gig.
Robert looked at Pete with his sad eyes. The month living on his own had been hard on him. Robert was about to crack. Pete recognized the look from the battle front. Young kids 14, 15 years of age faced with their first battle experiences, with their first dead comrades, at the point just before they would go and do something really stupid. Robert wasn't 15 years though. He was seventeen. About to turn eighteen. Pete had to resist the urge to tell Robert to man up. Damn, he is my brother. She was our mom. I should feel compassion; grieve. Why don't I?
That damn war!
Mom left us sixty barrels of base, Robert spoke. Enough for us both to get through those months till you get your old job back Peter. I'm not stupid my brother. That gig! You've been talking to those space idiots, haven't you? I've already lost mom Peter, you survived the war, Peter. You are a war hero even if the government doesn't admit you were fighting for our freedom all along. Please don't go and get yourself killed in some stupid space mining expedition. These guys are out of their mind. Mining space debris. Don't do it, Pete. We'll get through on mom's base for now and I'm sure that I too will find a job before we run out of printing base.
A smile formed on Pete's face as he realized he had misread Robert's facial expression. The boy had been worried about 'his' safety. Such a kind heart.
You wouldn't want to make a liar out of me now would you Robert? I promised mom I'd make sure you wouldn't drop out of school little brother. I intend to keep that promise. But relax Robert, I have some barrels of base myself. They are currently in storage in Douala and São Luís but if needed I'll have them shipped over. I'll promise I will delay accepting any debrisphere mining gig if you promise me you won't be dropping out of school. Do we have a deal, Robert?
A hesitant smile formed on Robert's face. Then Robert moved over and gave Pete a big hug. This made Pete really uncomfortable. After having been soaked for seven years in the hard-ass SAGDA military culture, expressions of love between men, even between brothers just didn't feel OK to Pete.
I am so happy you are here Peter. Yes, we have a deal.
Then Robert's hug tightened and Pete heard the soft sound of his brother softly sobbing. Hesitantly Pete hugged Robert as well.
It's OK Robert, it's OK. I understand.
She is really gone, Pete. Mom is really dead. As Roberts soft muttered sobbing turned into an uncontrolled expression of grieve, the truth of his mom's demise finally touched Pete's heart. Pete allowed his emotions to surface, but then as Pete felt a tear dropped from hiss chin, a feeling of shame came over him. He had to be strong for Robert, not turn into a sobbing wimp himself.
It's OK Robert, It's OK. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. Why don't we see if we can bring some Christmas spirit to this house? Where are the decorations? Let's turn that sorry excuse of a spruce into a real Christmas tree.
Index
If you enjoyed reading this chapter, please have a look at the other chapters I've posted on steemit so far and follow me for more installments from this series:
Part One: Beginnings
Part Two: Concequences
Part Three: Robert
Part Four: Midgard
- Tables Turning
- Trolls
- Captured
- Mindless
- Reset
- Air
- Coordinates
- Forgotten
- Foreign Dreams
Part Five: Nilfheim
- Perseus-Pisces
- Holocene Past
- Jötnar
- New Allies
- Old Enemies
- Whack-a-mole
- Antifragile
- Cold start
I would drop the But I sort of remember that But and However, should follow a comma, not really be used to start a sentence, but I am not sure about that. SO I would go with ---
A little bit hard to read, I'll = I will, and that kind of frames promise and makes it hard to read, (for me anyway)
I think just using I makes it a little bit easier to read.
Roberts soft muttered sobbing -> Robert's soft-muttered sobbing
grieve -> grief
While technically grammatically correct (I interpret this text as Pete trying to force himself to grieve and feel sorrow his mom's death but unable to), it does sound a bit awkward. It would be better to pair "compassion" up with another noun and format that sentence in one of these ways:
What nouns could work? I think "grief" or "sorrow" are the best possible choices for the text here.
dropped -> drop, hiss -> his
Congratulation on winning pibara's @croupierbot lottery with this comment.
This post was resteemed by @resteembot!
Good Luck!
Learn more about the @resteembot project in the introduction post.
Also - check out @reblogger, by reading this post.
Check out the other content resteemed by @resteembot.
Some of it is really cool!
I read through 3 times, just did not see anything that needed fixing, but I am getting a little tired, and well truth be told, not I am not much of an editor. I read so much that minor things just get looked over, and that may be the case here. Well written part.
@croupierbot lottery 2.0
OK, I have drawn the winner.
The winner of the draw is @doughtaker .
This winner has been drawn using block 16826200 as anounced in this transaction in block 16826099.
While in no way required, a tip by the winner @doughtaker by means of an upvote of this post would be highly appreciated.
Hi, @pibara
Thank you for inviting me to this page.
I am your friendly incorruptible croupier.
I am here to help with the impartial drawing a winner from the following contestants:\ :
The block number of the current head of the block chain is 16826095.
After block 16826200 is added to the blockchain and becomes irreversable, I will anounce the winner using the witness signature from that block.