From "Ragnarok Conspiracy"; Part One, Chapter 8 (draft)steemCreated with Sketch.

in #flashfiction7 years ago

A draft chapter from my upcoming first novel Ragnarok Conspiracy. Note that this is still a work in progress and an unedited draft. All feedback is highly welcomed. Ragnarok Conspiracy is meant to become a brainy speculative post-cryptocolyptical work of fiction.

Part one of Ragnarok Conspiracy is written as a collection of flash fiction installments against a common backdrop, revealing little fragments of the geopolitical developments in the not so distance future.

If you havn't read the previous chapters yet, here is an index with all chapters I've posted on Steemit so far.

Enjoy and let me know what you think.


Xavier
Los Haitises Hispaniola province New Zion, November 1st, 2036

As Xavier heard the sound of cracking wood, he realized the colossal size of his mistake. This was not good. Merde! Xavier slowly and carefully laid down the massive wooden canoe, that he had been carrying on his shoulders, on top of the intricate root system of the mangrove trees that he had been attempting to carry his boat across. A huge crack was visible stretching for more than half a meter from the rear side of the canoe to the place where Xavier had been sitting. The old dark brown solid wooden canoes apparently weren't meant to be lifted, and to be fair, the boat from solid wood, partially saturated by decades of use, was so heavy that it would be quite a challenge even for a two man crew. Xavier was a big guy. The biggest and strongest of his regiment and possibly of the whole New Zion army. The black ogre was what they called him. A nom du guerre that Xavier carried with pride.

Xavier took a piece of rope and started weaving a type of huge tight sock of rope in an attempt to repair the damage. Well, this would have to do. Let's hope she will still get me home after this thing is over. Who would have thought that mama's reed-hat making skills would come in handy after all these years? Xavier tied the boat to the trunk of the tree and climbed off on the other side where he ended up standing waist deep in the water.

As Xavier started wading through the water towards a small patch of land, he tried to mentally prepare for what lied ahead. A conduit! Xavier knew this was unprecedented for an army soldier like him to get a chance at a shortcut to becoming an agent, but now it was up to him to prove the general's confidence in their Haitian Ogre was justified.
While Xavier's accomplishments at the front had been enough to win him every military medal that the New Zion military system had to offer, and next to these had won him a place in song and legend among his own people, Xavier had spent only three months of high-intensity agent training compared to the two years regular program that had a 92% drop-out rate during the program. And of the 8% who made it to the conduit test, this conduit test, over 60% of the candidates ended up being sent back to regular duty.

Xavier felt he might be ill prepared for this, but then was anyone ever prepared for a confrontation with a conduit. He is close. Xavier felt someone or something was watching him. Was it him right now?

A movement in the reeds to his right. Xavier quickly crouched while pulling out one of his machetes from above his shoulder with his right hand while grabbing a hunter knife from his belt with his left. Ah, just a water snake. Calm down Xavier, calm down. Xavier's eyes quickly scanned the shore line. He still felt there were eyes watching him. He felt it so strong that he almost felt the eyes burning in his ….. In his back! It had been these instincts that had kept Xavier alive at the front at many an occasion.

Xavier turned around quickly and as he turned, in the corner of his eye, a glimpse of a dark shadow in the canopy of the very tree where Xavier had tied his canoe too, just minutes ago. Xavier looked up. Nothing! Then a movement in the canopy. Another snake.

Embrace the Jaguar, Xavier remembered from his training. Let the spirit command your body Xavier remembered from his younger days and his family tradition. As Xavier let the whole predatory aspect of his newly adopted totem wash over him a feeling of recognition came over him.

The conduit is with the spirit! Xavier realized. 'Our' spirit! She is one of our queens!

She?

Yes, Xavier was sure of it now, the conduit wasn't a mythical warrior after all. Not the super soldier with superior fighting skills that the rumors at the Academy spoke of. No, the conduit was a queen. A sister!

Ah, they sent me a petit sorcier this time. Isn't that fun. All of a sudden a woman was standing on top of the tree's roots, leaning nonchalantly against the trunk of the tree. A frail light skin woman in her early sixties probably.

Something was off. Yes, the conduit was a woman, but not the type of woman Xavier had felt she would be.

Very good soldier boy, very good, you are starting to sense already. Your senses are good my friend, but can the ogre's brain keep up?

The female stepped behind the tree, sliding her hand over the tree till only the tips of her fingers were visible. Xavier moved forwards and to the right to see where she was going. She was playing with his senses. What first had been the tips of her fingers, now were small wooden protrusions part of the tree itself. She was playing with his mind, playing with his senses. But what was she? What in heaven's name was a conduit?

Suddenly a stick came out of the canopy of the tree swinging towards Xavier's face. Only at the very last second did Xavier manage to block it. Zut! Then in a flash, it dawned on Xavier, the witch was a mirror that blinded his senses with a reflection of his own spiritual self. He had to ignore his senses, his instincts as here neither couldn't be trusted. Xavier closed his eyes and remembered his training. Taking hold of the stick at a higher point, Xavier pulled hard and the woman came dropping out of the tree, falling into the water with a splash.

As Xavier reached into the dark water, he got hold of her leg, but before he could pull her up from underneath the water, he remembered the huge white python he had seen up in the tree before. Was it? Was it her, or was it a trick and had the witch thrown the python out of the tree to trick him? Suddenly what he was holding didn't feel like a leg anymore. It was the python, Xavier was sure of it. Damn! Where was its head? As Xavier instinctively threw the woman away from him, sending her hurtling towards the reeds, he realized she had tricked him again. The nonchalance though, the almost arrogant look in her eyes that had been there before had now gone. Xavier recognized a glimmer of fear in her eyes and as he did the doubt and confusion that had been in his heart completely washed away. Xavier ran after her while she struggled to get up and made her way out of the water and started running towards a tree.

As Xavier was about to catch up with her, she started climbing a strange three that had huge hand sized wooden thorns all over it, allowing her climbing to go too fast for Xavier to catch up with. The tree though had a trunk that was just seventeen or eighteen centimeters in diameter. No match for the Haitian Ogre! Xavier jumped through the air in a powerful and agile kick and as his foot forcefully hit the thorny three, the proud tree broke as it had been nothing but a thin reed. As Xavier landed on the solid ground again, his hand took hold of a thin tree that he used to reverse his direction. Then he jumped up into the air again one fluent agile and feline move and snatched the falling witch out of the air, landing on top of her.

A small knife launched out at him, but Xavier quickly grabbed the witch's wrist between his thumb and his finger. Xavier looked at her old face. A huge smile now formed on her withered face.

Promising mon petit sorcier. Really promising. I do believe I might be able to turn you into an agent yet, trooper.

Sort:  


Nice! Thanks For Share :)
I will follow your account, please follow me at @nikunjo

This post was resteemed by @resteembot!
Good Luck!

Learn more about the @resteembot project in the introduction post.

Original text:
Who would have thought that mama's reed-hat making skills would come in handy after all these years?

Should be reed hat-making.

Original text:
Xavier turned around quickly and as he turned, in the corner of his eye, a glimpse of a dark shadow in the canopy of the very tree where Xavier had tied his canoe too, just minutes ago.

The phrase "he saw" needs to be added somewhere, and there are two possible places to fit it.

  1. Xavier turned around quickly and as he turned, he saw in the corner of his eye, a glimpse of a dark shadow in the canopy of the very tree where Xavier had tied his canoe too, just minutes ago.
  2. Xavier turned around quickly and as he turned, in the corner of his eye, he saw a glimpse of a dark shadow in the canopy of the very tree where Xavier had tied his canoe too, just minutes ago.

Original text:
He had to ignore his senses, his instincts as here neither couldn't be trusted.

The double negative in this sentence got me confused, then I saw that it made no sense. There are several ways to fix this.

  1. He had to ignore his senses, his instincts, as here neither could be trusted.
  2. He had to ignore his senses and his instincts, as here neither could be trusted.
  3. He had to ignore his senses and instincts, as here neither could be trusted.
  4. He had to ignore his senses and instincts, as they couldn't be trusted here.
  5. He had to ignore his senses and his instincts, as they couldn't be trusted here.

Original text:

As Xavier was about to catch up with her, she started climbing a strange three that had huge hand sized wooden thorns all over it, allowing her climbing to go too fast for Xavier to catch up with. The tree though had a trunk that was just seventeen or eighteen centimeters in diameter. No match for the Haitian Ogre! Xavier jumped through the air in a powerful and agile kick and as his foot forcefully hit the thorny three, the proud tree broke as it had been nothing but a thin reed. As Xavier landed on the solid ground again, his hand took hold of a thin tree that he used to reverse his direction. Then he jumped up into the air again one fluent agile and feline move and snatched the falling witch out of the air, landing on top of her.

To make the paragraph flow more smoothly, several changes (from the boldface) should be made:

  • three -> tree, hand sized -> hand-sized, again one -> again with one
  • though: Either stick a comma in immediately after that (The tree though, had a trunk...), or move it to the end of sentence (The tree had a trunk... in diameter though.)

And finally, the obligatory quotation marks surrounding dialogue post. Fortunately there wasn't much speech in this chapter, so I'll provide the fixes for it here.

"Very good soldier boy, very good, you are starting to sense already. Your senses are good my friend, but can the ogre's brain keep up?"

"Promising mon petit sorcier. Really promising. I do believe I might be able to turn you into an agent yet, trooper."

I saw no problems with that chapter.

Coin Marketplace

STEEM 0.18
TRX 0.13
JST 0.029
BTC 58445.33
ETH 3158.42
USDT 1.00
SBD 2.22