From "Ragnarok Conspiracy"; Part Two, Chapter 1 (draft)steemCreated with Sketch.

in #creative7 years ago (edited)

A draft chapter from my upcoming first novel Ragnarok Conspiracy. Note that this is still a work in progress and an unedited draft. All feedback is highly welcomed. Ragnarok Conspiracy is meant to become a brainy speculative post-cryptocolyptical work of fiction.

In part two of the story, we revisit most of the characters from part one a number of years later and discover how their lives are far more intertwined than they first appeared. Note that while the chapters in part one could be read as independent pieces of flash fiction against a common background, in this second part it is best if you have read at least the chapter in part one involving the same person. For this chapter that would be the chapter about Gwen

Enjoy and let me know what you think. I will upvote all (constructive) criticism at at-least 75% of my voting power.


Gwen
Mars-One, March 3th, 2042

As the green light of Gwen's tiny compression and decompression compartment went green, Gwen removed her helmet and took out her surface suite. One of the many discomforts of her small private apartment on the outskirts of the Mars-One colony. Gwen hated this cold and inhospitable planet, and the idea that she soon would be leaving for a dangerous mission on earth filled her with excitement. The idea alone of breathing the outside air made Gwen's heart jump in anticipation. The first few years, Gwen had lived with her parents in one of the multi-family apartments in the main dome. While the dome had its comforts, its living arrangements didn't allow for much privacy for anyone, so when Gwen had been given the opportunity to join the military as a trainee truth agent and move to her own private apartment, Gwen had at first been very happy about her new gained independence but most of all the privacy of a one person apartment. But how her sentiment chained after the realization that the complex both didn't come with an engineering crew to take care of maintenance task, and that much of the maintenance had to be done from the outside of the building. Today the water recycling system had failed again for the third time this month. And nothing spelled the way that Gwen felt about the almost seven years spent on Mars-One better than the taste and smell of diluted urine. As Gwen turned on the tap, a mild urine smell came from the water, but then the smell subsided then Gwen took a small cup and took a sip of the water. Great. The water tasted like water again, or at least like what water tasted like on Mars-One. Only two more weeks! Two more weeks before she would get her very own ultra-pod for a multi-year mission to Earth.
Mother had been right. The earth had started to digress into anarchy and the call from the masses for the aristocracy to return, for them to return and bring a new order, had started to gain momentum. Still a small and disorganized group, the New Order movement needed guidance and help, and that was where Gwen and her classmates would come in.

Gwen looked at her Osmium-wool training suite. Was she ready for the trip? Were any of them really ready for a 2g trip? Gravity on Mars was low compared to earth, and while the Osmium-wool suite that Gwen and her class had been training with for over a year weighted twice as much as Gwen herself already, during the trip with the ultra-pod Gwen would weigh over five times as much as she weighed on Mars. Twice as much as she would weigh on Earth. Was she really ready for all of this after all this time in the low gravity of Mars? Suddenly doubt came over Gwen. Was she really ready for this? Mars was a horrible place to live. Not as bad as it had been when they had first arrived, no, the early days had been truly horrid. Mars-One had never been built to house even half the people that had fled from Earth after New Zion had started hunting down the aristocracy. Living circumstances had improved over the years, but nothing could change the fact that Mars was a most inhospitable planet for human life. But then Mars-One was peaceful. No war. No crime. Earth at this time was a planet at war with itself. Violence, war, crime, and a total lack of order. Was she ready for all of that? Was she ready for the trip there? 15 hours of acceleration at a little over 2g followed by another 15 hours of deceleration. These ultra-pods were amazingly advanced space technology. Earth fractions had nothing even close. But 30 hours at two g wasn't exactly a walk in the park for someone who had been living in Mars gravity for over half a decade.

As Gwen was contemplating what lay ahead, her doorbell rang. Come in Dad. As the round access door opened, Gwen's dad came out of the access tube that was about one and a half meter high, about thirty centimeters lower than Gwen's dad, so dad had been crouching for the 200 meters walk through the tube system from the main dome to her apartment.

Dad, you look troubled, what's up.

I'm worried about you, my darling. Mom sends me to tell you she could get you out of the mission. New rumors about talks between some of the major earth fractions. You know I don't follow up on Earth politics darling, but your mother does and if she is worried I get worried.

Dad, please, I really don't need this right now.

I know you don't darling, please don't shoot the messenger. You know your mom.
Gwen's dad looked at the dossier map he had been carrying than looked up at Gwen then back at the map.

I have to be honest with you Gwen, I knew before I came here you weren't going to heed your mother's warnings. I know you too well for that my dear. There is another reason I had to come and see you. Your granddad. My father.

Granddad? Gwen looked at the old family portrait on her wall.

No Gwen, not 'that' granddad. I am talking about your real granddad. My biological father. You do know about the rumors, don't you?

Please, dad, sure I know about the rumors. I've lived those rumors. You know perfectly well these rumors are the reason I've been having quite a hard time with some of my classmates. I've told you that dad. They used to tease me with those rumors.

Gwen's Dad reached his right arm out to Gwen with the dossier map in his hand. Please, Gwen! This is all the material I've gathered over the years. I truly believe my father may still be alive. I don't buy that he is the behind what the rumors ascribe to him, no, but if my intel is right, he is out there somewhere and he is in a lot of trouble.

Are you serious Dad. Your father disappeared when you were only a toddler.

Please, Gwen, I know you have your mission, but if there is any room, just look at the data darling. Maybe I'm just an old fool grasping at straws, but I really do believe that things add up and that your grandfather might still be alive today. If he is, and if the intel I gathered is only half correct, he will have first-hand knowledge about quantum slicing. So if you don't want to look at it for my sake, at least please have a look at it from a military perspective. I know mission control doesn't buy into my data, I've tried them, but if you find Dad and get him to see our side, I'm pretty sure there could even be a promotion in it for you darling.

You did what? You went to mission control before you came to me? Dad!

Gwen's dad eyes looked at the floor. Then Gwen suddenly realized how things felt from Dad's perspective. Yes, she had been on edge a whole lot when she was living with her parents and words were said, mostly by her, that she wished could be unsaid. To her father, leaving the comforts of the main dome to live here on the outskirts of the colony had felt like he had lost her as a daughter. How could I have been so heartless? Why didn't I tell them it is this freezing planet that is driving me bonkers?

Dad…. Sorry…. I love you, daddy. If granddad is alive I will do everything to find him for you. I promise.

Sort:  

The suite as used in this chapter seems to be referring to clothing (surface suite, Osmium-wool training suite). The correct word to use is suit. No dictionary definition of "suite" involves clothing.

Gwen had at first been very happy about her new gained independence

Should be newly gained or new-gained.

The phrase "earth fractions" is used a couple of times in the chapter; it should be Earth factions (please note the capitalization).

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Gwen's dad came out of the access tube that was about one and a half meter high

meter -> meters

Generally, when dealing with a non-negative quantity of a certain noun, if it's less than or equal to 1, you use the singular form (e.g. one meter, half a meter, one-fifth meter, etc.) If it's exactly zero or greater than 1, you use the plural form (e.g. one and a half meters, 2.46 meters, etc.)

I don't buy that he is the behind what the rumors ascribe to him, no, but if my intel is right, he is out there somewhere and he is in a lot of trouble.

Are you serious Dad. Your father disappeared when you were only a toddler.

Corrected for punctuation and grammar:

"I don't buy that he is behind what the rumors ascribe to him, no, but if my intel is right, he is out there somewhere and in a lot of trouble."

"Are you serious, Dad? Your father disappeared when you were only a toddler."

You could also opt to replace he is with he's if you wanted.

I'm going to try @michelle.gent edit method that she is trying out. A side by side method. The left is original, the right side the edited.


As the green light of Gwen's tiny compression and decompression compartment went green, Gwen removed her helmet and took out her surface suite. One of the many discomforts of her small private apartment on the outskirts of the Mars-One colony. Gwen hated this cold and inhospitable planet, and the idea that she soon would be leaving for a dangerous mission on earth filled her with excitement. The idea alone of breathing the outside air made Gwen's heart jump in anticipation. The first few years, Gwen had lived with her parents in one of the multi-family apartments in the main dome. While the dome had its comforts, its living arrangements didn't allow for much privacy for anyone, so when Gwen had been given the opportunity to join the military as a trainee truth agent and move to her own private apartment, Gwen had at first been very happy about her new gained independence but most of all the privacy of a one person apartment. But how her sentiment chained after the realization that the complex both didn't come with an engineering crew to take care of maintenance task, and that much of the maintenance had to be done from the outside of the building. Today the water recycling system had failed again for the third time this month. And nothing spelled the way that Gwen felt about the almost seven years spent on Mars-One better than the taste and smell of diluted urine. As Gwen turned on the tap, a mild urine smell came from the water, but then the smell subsided then Gwen took a small cup and took a sip of the water. Great. The water tasted like water again, or at least like what water tasted like on Mars-One. Only two more weeks! Two more weeks before she would get her very own ultra-pod for a multi-year mission to Earth. Mother had been right. The earth had started to digress into anarchy and the call from the masses for the aristocracy to return, for them to return and bring a new order, had started to gain momentum. Still a small and disorganized group, the New Order movement needed guidance and help, and that was where Gwen and her classmates would come in.

As the green light of Gwen's tiny compression and decompression compartment went green, Gwen removed her helmet and took out her surface suite. One of the many discomforts of her small private apartment on the outskirts of the Mars-One colony.

Gwen hated this cold and inhospitable planet, and the idea that she soon would be leaving for a dangerous mission on earth filled her with excitement. The idea alone of breathing the outside air made Gwen's heart jump in anticipation.

For the first few years on Mars, Gwen had lived with her parents in one of the multi-family apartments in the main dome. While the dome had its comforts, the living arrangements allowed for very little privacy. Gwen had been given the opportunity to join the military as a trainee truth agent and with this opportunity moved to her own private apartment. Gwen was happy about her new gained independence; but most of all the privacy of a one person apartment.

But how her sentiment changed after the realization that the complex did not come with an engineering crew to take care of maintenance, and that much of the maintenance had to be done from the outside of the building. Today the water recycling system had failed again for the third time this month. And nothing defined the way that Gwen felt about almost seven years spent on Mars-One better than the taste and smell of diluted urine. As Gwen turned on the tap, a mild urine smell came from the water, after running a bit the smell subsided. Gwen filled a small cup and took a sip of the water. Great. The water tasted like water again, or at least like what water tasted like on Mars-One.

Only two more weeks! Two more weeks before she would get her very own ultra-pod for a multi-year mission to Earth. Mother had been right. The earth had started to digress into anarchy, the masses had started a call for the aristocracy to return, for them to return and bring a new order. The call had started to gain momentum. Still a small and disorganized group, the New Order movement needed guidance and help, and that was where Gwen and her classmates would come in.


I added some paragraph breaks, and changed a little bit of the wording in a few places.

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