From "Ragnarok Conspiracy"; Part Two, Chapter 2steemCreated with Sketch.

in #flashfiction7 years ago (edited)

A draft chapter from my upcoming first novel Ragnarok Conspiracy. Note that this is still a work in progress and an unedited draft. All feedback is highly welcomed.

Warning: This chapter contains explicit language.

Part one of Ragnarok Conspiracy is written as a collection of flash fiction installments against a common backdrop, revealing little fragments of the geopolitical developments in the not so distance future.
In part two, we shortly revisit many of the characters from part one a number of years later and see how their lives touch each other.

If you are new to this series of posts, please consider reading part one as indexed here, and the previous chapter from part two.

In this chapter Dakila, who we first met as a 17-year-old hacker in Chapter one of part one reappears in an unexpected role 15 years later, meeting up with Moise Matatu from Chapter six of part one.

If you enjoy reading this draft chapter, or if you have anything to contribute in terms of constructive criticism, please leave some feedback by commenting on this post.


Dakila
Bratislava, Northern Neutral Territories, March 5th, 2042

It's an honor to meet you in the flesh Admiral Kotu, and I realize it's not my place to question your insights, but I feel obliged to express my concerns about the tactical dangers involved in attending these negotiations.

Dakila felt he might have made a big mistake appointing Lieutenant-Colonel Matatu to lead the negotiations with the Ottomans. Matatu might have been an exceptional soldier and a war hero respected by the troops for his tactical insights on the battleground, the fact that he just addressed him as Admiral Kotu in the fucking Hotel foyer told Dakila Matatu might not be up to the task.

Advisor Castro at your service sir. The Admiral asked me to relay the Lagos and Lima crime statistics and go over the most recent developments before the negotiations start.

Matatu looked at Dakila in confusion. This was Admiral Kotu, it had to be. What was this Advisor shit? The South Atlantic GNU Defence Alliance didn't employ any non-military advisors and no GNU officer would omit to name his rank when addressing a superior officer. Was this a PUPR spy? Did something happen to Kotu? Did agents kill the Admiral?
Then Matatu caught the reproachful expression on Dakila's face.
Shit! Me and my big mouth. Matatu's bodyguards had swept the hotel and found nothing, but he shouldn't have assumed he could speak freely to the extent of addressing the Admiral by his rank and handle. PUPR wouldn't risk a high profile political murder in the political center of what was left of the Northern Neutral Territories, but it would be hard for Kotu to get safely back to wherever someone like him managed to stay off the grid if a PUPR agent were to tag him as SAGDA founder Kotu. Damn, me and my big mouth.

Dakila noticed the effect Matatu's slow thought process had on his facial expressions and body posture. He could almost read his every thought. This is not good! NOFTA aren't fools and if there are any PUPR spies watching …..

Lieutenant-Colonel is there any chance for us to have your radio engineers arrange for some private sound-proof talking space to go over the Lima crime numbers in private before the talks start. There are some important figures that I really must bring to your attention.

Matatu put his right index finger up, making a swirling sign, then made a fist with his hand and raised his pinkie twice quickly. Two dozen armed guards appeared as out of nothing, then a young woman approached Matatu looking anxious.

Corporal Gonzales reporting sir! Awaiting your orders.

This is what I get appointing soldiers as diplomats, Dakila thought. Who ever thought this war would get to the point where we needed diplomats. Damn, this isn't going to work.

Corporal, me and my "advisor" need some level two privacy, Matatu spoke, … ; Dakila exchanged a skittish look with Matatu; … err, make that level 'one' privacy, before the official talks commence. Please arrange for all appropriate measures.

Already covered Lieutenant-Colonel, NNT really know how to facilitate events like these sir.
If you follow me, sir, there is a small room right here, all swept and guarded every minute ever since sir.

Matatu made another hand signal and the guards responded immediately, half of them taking a defensive formation, the other half in standard high-risk prisoner escort formation.

Dakila took care not to respond in an in any way telling way, but his internal response would be best described as a mental facepalm. I really need a plan B here.

As Dakila and Matatu entered the soundproof and furniture free room, a dimly shining white sphere on a pedestal in the center of the room was all that was in the room. The windowless door closed behind them.

Change of strategy Matatu! I understand your concerns, but I have some new concerns of my own right now. If this was a negotiation involving PUPR or even the more intelligent ones amongst the inner city warlords, we would be in real big problems and I would probably be dead within just days. Fortunately, we are only negotiating with our former NOFTA allies.
New strategy: scale down the talks. That will be your one and only task. I'll take over after that. Understood?

Permission to speak freely, sir?

No! Shut up Matatu. Shut the fuck up and listen! You didn't ask permission for your body language to speak freely now did you Lieutenant-Colonel? What the fuck dude? And then greeting me as Admiral Kotu! Are you out of your fucking mind Matatu ?! You don't call me Admiral in fucking public. And you sure as hell never call me Kotu or King Of The fucking Universe either! Are you fucking trying to get me fucking assassinated you stupid Grunt?

I will go through the new scenario with you once Matatu. You will go into the conference room acting a bit nervous. Hell, you have reason to be nervous, because if you fuck this up I'll have you back to three stripes, so let the idea of being demoted to Sergeant inspire you Matatu. Kind of like method acting, right?

Matata stood there saying nothing, but it was clear from the look in Matatu's eyes that it would be unwise for Dakila to push this any further. There was only so much humiliation Matatu could take, and Dakila was just inches from pushing Matatu into what could easily turn out to be an unstoppable rage, that much his body language revealed.

Nah, make that Major. Point is, you need to show you are nervous about new developments. Here. Take these papers.

Matatu looked at the file and quickly looked at a few of the pages with per city street gang statistics. Some of the cities were showing massive increases in the crime numbers, but while alarming, this all wasn't exactly unexpected. Ever since the replication drone-swarm DRM root key had been published, every crazy psychopath could just download battle drone print files from the internet, create his own private sub-CA to sign print-files with and give himself unlimited battle drone printing rights.
PUPR, NOFTA and some of the southern North-American conurbations were bearing the brunt of the problems with psychotic warlords trying to carve out their private little countries. SAGDA and the NNT had their own mini warlord issues, but these were limited to the levels of ultra-armed street gangs viciously trying to exterminate each other while getting rich from extortion. The crime numbers that Kito had given him were completely in line with expectations as far as Matatu could discern.

Dakila saw Matatu trying to make sense of it all.

Don't bother with the actual data. It's bad but not that bad. Just hear me out first, Matatu. You will go into the conference room acting a bit nervous. You will look at the documents as if there is something in there that has you really worried. Then you sit down. When everyone is sitting down you will stand up and speak your concerns about possible information leaks in either our or the the NOFTA organization. Take care not to give any hint of truly incriminating NOFTA in any way or we'll have a new war on our hands. Then you request the initial negotiations be conducted between you and the Kaymakam, suggesting only one advisor of choice remains. Once everybody but the Kaymakam and his closest advisor remains, you will reveal my rank as Admiral yet not my identity to the Kaymakam and I shall be conducting the negotiations with NOFTA.

You believe you can handle this Lieutenant-Colonel?

Matatu looked at Dakila in total disbelief. Then a forced smile with a hint of comprehension.

I believe I can sir. But could you run it by me one more time? I think i've got it Admiral, but better to be safe than sorry in this case, so if we can go over it one more time I'm confident I will get us through this ordeal, sir.

Dakila sighed deeply and rolled over his eyes.

Ok, Lieutenant-Colonel, listen up …...

Sort:  

Dakila took care not to respond in an in any way telling way,

Dakila took care not to respond in any telling way,
*Just dropped an extra in an and the extra way-

The crime numbers that Kito had given him were completely in line with expectations as far as Matatu could discern.

Did you mean Kotu, or is Kito a new person?

There are a several hyphenated words that you use which should not be hyphenated.

"Lieutenant-Colonel" should be Lieutenant Colonel.
"sound-proof" should be soundproof.
"drone-swarm" should be drone swarm.
"North-American" should be North American (unless you are referring to a specific organization that goes by that hyphenated name).

Original text:

This is what I get appointing soldiers as diplomats, Dakila thought.

Corrected:
This is what I get for appointing soldiers as diplomats, Dakila thought.

"Kind of like method acting, right?"

I lol'ed, that was great.

Original text:

If this was a negotiation involving PUPR or even the more intelligent ones amongst the inner city warlords, we would be in real big problems and I would probably be dead within just days.

The bolded phrase doesn't sound right. There are two ways to fix it:

  1. we would be in real big trouble
  2. we would have real big problems

You could also go with "really" in place of "real" -- that's just a matter of style preference since both are grammatically correct in this case.

great, thanks for sharing

In Matatu's final speaking paragraph of the chapter...

I think i've got it Admiral,

i've -> I've

Congratulation on winning pibara's @croupierbot lottery with this comment.

Original text:

Matatu might have been an exceptional soldier and a war hero respected by the troops for his tactical insights on the battleground, the fact that he just addressed him as Admiral Kotu in the fucking Hotel foyer told Dakila Matatu might not be up to the task.

Corrected:
Matatu might have been an exceptional soldier and a war hero respected by the troops for his tactical insights on the battleground, but the fact that he just addressed him as Admiral Kotu in the fucking hotel foyer told Dakila that Matatu might not be up to the task.

Nice one.....followed and upvoted

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