From "Ragnarok Conspiracy"; Part One, Chapter 3 (draft)steemCreated with Sketch.

in #flashfiction7 years ago (edited)

A draft chapter from my upcoming first novel Ragnarok Conspiracy. Please note that this is still a work in progress and an unedited draft. All feedback is highly welcomed. Ragnarok Conspiracy is meant to become a brainy speculative post-cryptocolyptical work of fiction. The first two chapters are posted here and here. Part one of Ragnarok Conspiracy is written as a collection of flash fiction installments against a common backdrop, revealing litle fragments of the geopolitical developments in the not so distance future. Enjoy ans let me know what you think.

From "Ragnarok Concpiracy" Part-1, Chapter 3
Gwen
Boston, March 18, 2035

I am never going to get my head around this quantum entanglement stuff before next week's exam, Ilse said while looking worried at Gwen, I am definitely not going to get anything above a C for this one.

Ilse was Gwen's best friend since not long after she had started at university. Just like Ilse, Gwen never really quite fitted in with the rest of the herd. They were outsiders, but both for very different , no even completely opposite reasons. Most of the students here fell into one of a small handful of social sub cultures aligned along political affiliations and social classes. Neither Gwen nor Ilse really fitted in well with any of these groups. Ilse's mum had been the the last president of the former United States of America and after the forced disbandment of federal state, the the transitional prefect of over forty major east coast conurbations. President Akira had been quite a controversial figure to begin with. Being the first female president to come with a first lady was just the tip of the iceberg. Her running for president had started out as a huge joke, a way to get media attention for the fact that the 2025 health insurance act allowed insurance companies to deny people, working in whole branches of industry, health insurance based purely on a moral framework. After the revelations by the GNU defense alliance however, there was substantially more dirt on any of the viable presidential candidates from the two large parties than on any of the single issue independant candidates..
The more politically charged subject regarding her administration though had been the peace treaty with Pacific Union for Patents and Royalties. Nine of the former 50 states were now PUPR territory. Quant territory. The former federal and government had been disbanded and the remaining 41 states had been divided up into autonomous conurbations existing under the protection of PUPR. Needless to say Ilse's mum wasn't winning popularity contests for her role in all of this, and by proxy neither was Ilse. Gwen on the other hand didn't fit in for completely different reasons. Both her father and mother were old world nobility. While most of the old world nobility were thought high of by the group that considered itself to be new world nobility, her father's side of the family had known quite some scandals and controversy. Gwen's grand dad had been quite a scoundrel before he had met her grandmother. Her grandma had been not only a commoner, no that would have been acceptable, she had been a widow with a young child: Gwen's dad. Gwen might have the proper titles, she didn't have the proper blood.

Ilse, you know you could just ask, right? I will help you study if you want me.

Ilse looked at Gwen, I know, but I really don't have your brain Gwen, especially when it comes to math and physics. Quantum entanglement is just ….

As Ilse glanced to her right, she noticed Gwen was no longer walking right beside her, she turned and saw Gwen standing frozen staring at something behind her.

My God, 'Humphry', Gwen muttered and put her left hand to the right side of her mouth, what in heaven's name is Humphrey doing her. Not now! Not now mom, please. Gwen uttered in a soft voice, leaving Ilse confused.

What is wrong Gwen, Ikse asked. Who is Humphrey?

My mum's bleeding butler! Mom knows about the exams! She wouldn't forget about that. Something is up. Something big Ilse,I need to go talk to Humphrey, I'll call you, OK, this is not good. As Gwen darted towards the slender well yet humbly dressed figure standing at the main doors, ilse whispered 'Good luck Gwen'.

What the hell, Humphrey?

My lady?

What are you doing here Humphrey? Whatever it is, it is inconvenient! Did mom sent you? Why didn't she call first?!

No time to explain my lady, the Barones gave me orders to pick you up right away. I am so sorry for being this direct, but I will need to humbly ask to accompany me to the car straigt away. Transportation is waiting for us at Logan Airport.

What exactly are you trying to tell me Humphry? I can't go anywhere and mum knows that. I have two exams next week including quantum physics that i really need to study up for. I am not going with you, I can't. Please tell mom I couldn't come with you to Marseille Humphry, tell her I can't spare the time because of me exams.

My lady, I am so sorry for the inconvenient timing. I was not in fact ordered to take you to Europe. The family is to be relocated to a safe place. The baroness was insistent that I was to brief you on our way to the California launch site. There is not much time my lady.

Launch site? I don't understand? What in the lord's name is mother up to ? Why would she send for me to have me brought to a launch site? You make it sound as if we are in immediate danger. Is it really that urgent Humphry? Could we at least drive by my apartment first? There are some books really need to take with me.

It is PUPR my lady. Florida has fallen to New Zion at a great price to PUPR. They have deserted us my lady. We have lost Florida. Louisiana and Mississippi are not looking good with PUPR dropping out of the alliance. Please my lady there is not much time. We don't want to miss the transport. If I could please persuade the lady to step into the limo, I shall explain more on our way to the airport.

Sort:  

Just some para graph breaks:

Ilse was Gwen's best friend since not long after she had started at university. Just like Ilse, Gwen never really quite fitted in with the rest of the herd. They were outsiders, but both for very different , no even completely opposite reasons.

Most of the students here fell into one of a small handful of social sub cultures aligned along political affiliations and social classes. Neither Gwen nor Ilse really fitted in well with any of these groups.

Ilse's mum had been the the last president of the former United States of America and after the forced disbandment of federal state, the the transitional prefect of over forty major east coast conurbations.

President Akira had been quite a controversial figure to begin with. Being the first female president to come with a first lady was just the tip of the iceberg. Her running for president had started out as a huge joke, a way to get media attention for the fact that the 2025 health insurance act allowed insurance companies to deny people, working in whole branches of industry, health insurance based purely on a moral framework.

After the revelations by the GNU defense alliance however, there was substantially more dirt on any of the viable presidential candidates from the two large parties than on any of the single issue independant candidates. The more politically charged subject regarding her administration though had been the peace treaty with Pacific Union for Patents and Royalties.

Nine of the former 50 states were now PUPR territory. Quant territory. The former federal and government had been disbanded and the remaining 41 states had been divided up into autonomous conurbations existing under the protection of PUPR. Needless to say Ilse's mum wasn't winning popularity contests for her role in all of this, and by proxy neither was Ilse.

Gwen on the other hand didn't fit in for completely different reasons. Both her father and mother were old world nobility. While most of the old world nobility were thought high of by the group that considered itself to be new world nobility, her father's side of the family had known quite some scandals and controversy.

Gwen's grand dad had been quite a scoundrel before he had met her grandmother. Her grandma had been not only a commoner, no that would have been acceptable, she had been a widow with a young child: Gwen's dad. Gwen might have the proper titles, she didn't have the proper blood.

little typo and two different spellings for Humphry.

My God, 'Humphry', Gwen muttered and put her left hand to the right side of her mouth, what in heaven's name is Humphrey doing her.

here Humphrey / Humphry - - Humphrey seems to be the most used, but Humphry is used a couple other times also.

Just like last chapter there are issues throughout with quotation marks missing from spoken words and conversations. Right off the bat, the first paragraph should read:

"I am never going to get my head around this quantum entanglement stuff before next week's exam", Ilse said while looking worried at Gwen. "I am definitely not going to get anything above a C for this one."

Missing quotes and a character's name misspelled here:
What is wrong Gwen, Ikse asked. Who is Humphrey?

Corrected version:
"What is wrong, Gwen?" Ilse asked. "Who is Humphrey?"

Multiple errors (grammar and typos) in this paragraph:
No time to explain my lady, the Barones gave me orders to pick you up right away. I am so sorry for being this direct, but I will need to humbly ask to accompany me to the car straigt away. Transportation is waiting for us at Logan Airport.

Fixed version:
"No time to explain my lady, the Baroness gave me orders to pick you up right away. I am so sorry for being this direct, but I need to humbly ask you to accompany me to the car straight away. Transportation is waiting for us at Logan Airport."

Other capitalization issues/questions:
The "2025 health insurance act"... is it referring to a generic health insurance bill, or a specific piece of legislation with that actual name? If the latter, then it should be "2025 Health Insurance Act".

"Baroness" and "baroness" are both used, it should be one or the other throughout the text.

By "lord", is Gwen referring to another member of nobility in her family or to God? If it's the family member, then it should be capitalized the same way as Baroness or baroness. If it's God, then it should definitely be capitalized as "Lord".

Each of the last 8 paragraphs (starting from "What the hell, Humphrey?") can have their quotation issues fixed with just one set of quotation marks surrounding each paragraph. This brings up another issue though. When you have as much back-and-forth conversation going on as you do here, the reader could have trouble following along. I think it would help to have additional filler text to break up this big block of conversation. At a minimum, using the phrase "Gwen replied" or "Humphrey replied" (without the quotation marks) in 2 or 3 spots would aid the reader in keeping track of the flow of their conversation.

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