Why is it so Hard to Apologize for Your Own Wrongdoings??
'I wanted to say something.. erm.. I don't know how to put it into words.. I feel like.. I think I am.. I wanted to say that.. I shouldn't have done that.. I am.. ermm... I am sorry...'
I have never really choked when apologizing to someone, but yeah sometimes it is difficult to really bring yourself to apologizing to someone. As a child, I never really had any problem with apologizing to someone. In fact, I found it something quite easy to do. If I did make a mistake, hurt someone, was rude to someone (mostly my mother) or did anything wrong, I would quickly go apologize to the person I had wronged as soon as I realized my mistake and most of the time, it took me about 10 minutes at the most to realize my wrongdoing. So as a child, I would easily apologize for my mistakes and never really felt bad on saying sorry to someone either. Often, I used to apologize to people even when I wasn't at any fault. It took me sometime to realize that unhealthy behavior and realized it was because of my inability to set healthy boundaries in my relationships which I took care of with time. However, with time, I started having issues with this word.
The Scenario Now
While I never had any qualms about sayign a simple sorry to people before, few years back I started having quite a trouble with accepting my mistakes and apolpgizing for them. If I was rude to someone, mostly my husband at that time, I wouldn't accept my mistake and would find it quite difficult to utter the 5 letter S word. Yes, I had started calling it the 'S word' in my head at that time and would have quite a fight inside me every time I had to bring myself to apologize to someone.
Every time I had to apologize to someone, mostly my husband at that time because I had become so rude and difficult to deal with, I used to have the following dialogue with my sensible self in my head.
My irrational self: 'Why should I say sorry to him?'
Sensible side: Because you misbehaved to him for no apparent reason.
My irrational self: 'It is not my fault that I was rude to him (my husband). I was tired because I have to work all the time because he doesn't earn much so it is basically his fault that I was rude to him. He should understand that not me. I am not saying sorry to him.
Sensible side: Oh c'mon what's wrong with you? He just asked you to make him a glass of juice. If you were busy, you should have poltiely told him to do it himself. There was no need of the unnecessary banter.
My irrational self: What about when he is rude for no reason? I can be like that too. He needs to know not to mess with me. He needs to treat me equally.
Sensible side: Is it really you saying that? Why don;t you just analyze your behavior the past few months and then tell me who actually triggered him to be rude? Just ponder on it for sometime.
Thankfully, I was sane enough even at that time to say such rational things to my crazy side and calm it down. Every time my sensible side asked me to analyze my behavior, I somehow used to be quiet but didn't apologize for my mistake even then. I had somehow grown very obstinate and ridiculously egoistic at that time. I don't think respecting yourself is bad at all. In fact, it is important to have self-respect, be opinionated and even fight for what you believe in and should not budge from a stance when you know you are right. But I also feel that being egoistic for no reason and not accepting your mistake when you know you are at fault isn't a healthy attitude to live a good life.
When I started analyzing my behavior for real and wanted to save my marriage, I realized that the reason I had trouble accepting my mistakes was because I had started to think too high of myself. I felt I was some sort of super-woman who was the only one going through a hard time in her life and who was superior to her husband because she was earning more than him and because she was a doer and wasn't scared of taking challenges. I mean I think it is important to appreciate yourself for your hard work and be proud of yourself, but if you do let your competencies and little to big achievements get to your head, you can turn into swollen head and at that time, I had definitely become too full of myself and that was poisoning my behavior.
I have observed the same problem with a few other people too. I love reading people and analyzing them through their gestures, body language and speech. So when I identified my problem, I began observing others to figure out why others have problem apologizing to others and accepting their mistake and in most of the people I observed, I found out that it was because they thought too high of themselves. I know of a person who never apologizes to those younger than him or those who have a lower social strata than him because he thinks he is wiser, better and more competent than them. There is one woman I know of who never accepts her mistakes too because of the same reason.
Of course there can be other reasons behind the inability to accept and realize your mistakes and have the courage to apologize to someone, but from what I have observed, mostly it is because you start thinking that you are only right and good enough. Back to my story, I wanted to save my marriage and was sick and tired of being an ass to people so I knew I had to correct my behavior. For that, I started staying quiet more and analyzing my own behavior. That was such a difficult thing to do- to stay quiet and just focus on improving yourself first, but I knew I had to do it. It took me about 3 to 4 months to turn to a rational being who did not have much trouble apologizing for her mistakes, but finally I was able to achieve that goal.
It was hard, really hard but I did that by becoming more aware of my behavior and by slowly correcting it. Nothing becomes wrong or takes an undesirable turn overnight. You do something little every day to make a situation worse. However, when you are in a mess, you expect to improve on it instantly and when the issue does not resolve fast enough, you give up on yourself and lose hope. I knew I had become a monster from within over 2 years so if I had to go back to being a sane, nice person, I had to go slow so I stayed steady. I gave myself time and stayed patient with myself and started taking more accountability of my decisions. Seriously, taking accountability of your decisions is one thing that makes life really easy for you. Once I started doing that, I stopped blaming my husband for everything and became more responsible and sensible and that helped me easily realize my mistakes.
Now I no longer have a problem apologizing for my mistakes and I am really happy to be that way. I do not like to hurt people, but I am only human so I don't get too harsh with myself if I sometimes end up hurting a loved one. But when I do that, I make sure to apologize him/ her. What's your take on the subject? Looking forward to lots of responses from all of you. Thank you for all your love and support.
Love and light,
Sharoon.
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oh yeah, i am guilty of doing this- mainly in relationship to my main squeeze... it definitely boils down to - for me- a righteous feeling. feels bad to admit and not healthy for the relationship, but i don't wanna say sorry! lol, luckily both of us are pretty forgiving people, but that S-word, man it takes some time to get out sometimes ;) !
Yeah forgiveness is just so important, but sometimes uttering that S-word can be pretty hard. I am glad I have people around me who can relate to it and also that I have moved past it.
Yeah, I often talk to myself in that way too and struggle with myself, even ask myself sometimes "Am I sorry?" but I have found that you can be sorry for hurting someone and not be :) You are sorry that you have hurt their feelings but not for what you have said or did. Am I making sense? :)
Thank you for sharing this with us 💚
Oh yeah, the being sorry and not being sorry thing is something I definitely relate to and experience even now. Thank you for this meaningful comment :)
I find that if you still have some bit of right in your arguments or reasons, then it can be hard to apologise as you aren't completely in the wrong etc. But being able to apologise for what you did wrong helps people forgive your mistake.
Yeah apologizing for what you did wrong is important, but often apologizing for things you didn't do wrong isn't a healthy behavior. Thanks for being here and this meaningful comment :)
Oh, my dear, I have been missing your writings! I think an apology, first of all, is the sign that a person is manure and is able to accept his/her mistakes. As you rightly said - we are all humans and we do mistakes! How we go about them is the other matter%)) I believe is that telling I am sorry is a critical part of being able to build relationships in a long run with very deep connection! What I am sorry now is that I have missed so many of your lovely writing and we still did not have time to talk - let's change it and make it! BIG hugs and much love to you my dear!
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Yo @sashagenji! 😎
You just made my day!
I also think that apologies are a sign that a person is manure. 😁
Or as my guru Leroy Jethro Gibbs once said:
"Never apologize, it´s a sign of weakness!" (Gibbs´ Rule Number Eight)
Hahahaha you leave no chance to show how witty you are :P
That´s an epic misspelling, can´t let that one go uncommented. 😉
You never leave any uncommented. I still remember that asssume one :P
Yes, I guess this is epic!😉 I am not going to apologize for it so sure 😉Let's see if I would be able to make even better in a long run%)) Much love as always%))
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I have missed you toooo Sasha!! Where were you? Just buzz me on discord. Big, big hugs xoxox And I am so happy you are here and commented on my post. <3
I used to apologize all the time for the smallest of things, to the point that it use to annoy some people. I stopped when someone said every time you say this aishlinn finish it with my existence and it really brought home to me how I was over using the word. But saying sorry is so important especially in the right context. Recognizing we have made a mistake and acknowledge it with an apology is so important in self growth. Peolpe who do not apologize when they should, are generally people I do not wish to associate with, because as you say they usually think they are above others some thing I do not tolerate.
thank you for another great post Sharoon x
Yeah when I was younger like when I was 12, I used to keep apologizing to people for absolutely no reason and used to keep asking my friends if they were angry with me or not. I think that was another behavior that helped me ensure I was keeping everyone pleased. Then one day, my friend got really irritated by me asking that question again and again and told me that I need not ask her or anyone that so frequently because even if nobody is annoyed with me, asking that question can annoy them. That made me realize how I was turning into an annoying person and more than that how I was killing myself from within. Luckily, I got rid of that behavior soon enough. Thank you for being here Aishlinn. Cannot thank you for the support enough so from now onward I'll leave lots of hearts, hugs and kisses on your posts and comments :D <3 <3 xoxoxo
I think it is because when we are young, we are taught to be proud of ourselves through accolades for accomplishment. That builds our pride, it feels good, to take it away from ourselves feels bad. Condemning yourself, tearing down that pride, is hard to do. How we are programmed🤓
This was very honest.
I think we all have a tendency to do this: To think too highly of oneself. And like you said, confidence is not a bad thing, but hubris is. 😉
I strangely had the opposite problem: I would just say sorry to get it over with. I'd much rather take the blame and be done instead of hold a grudge. Unfortunately, because I wasn't sincere, nothing ever really went away.
When me and the hubs talked about this, we were able to become more aware and slowly (also as you said) take care of the issue and grow.
Now, I'm very careful to MEAN IT when I say it and really understand whatever wrong I may have done.
I'm also pretty good at disagreeing, but still being able to take responsibility. Maybe someone wronged me and then, in turn, I gave it right back. Now there are two wrongs (which do not equal a right). I used to want to wait until THEY apologized, but realized that only prolongs MY pain. The quicker I'm able to SEE what I did and own up to it, the quicker I'll get to be happy again.
I'm glad you found the true you again. I really like the true you. 😍
Appologising some times could be difficult but trust me, when we have moral consciousness that is "Conscience" it helps you see reasons why you should say the three words. Because it will always prick you until it is done....
It won't hurt to utter the three word.
Coversation with your two self tells you have conscience.