How I edit my own work - Plus a story to read too - 16
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15
If you'd like to read the story in the edited format rather than comparing the 'before and after' versions, feel free to just read the left hand side version.
Images from Google (free to use) and Pixabay
I wrote this story hot on the heels of Deadlier Than The Male because I was never confident that my first book's success wasn't some sort of fluke.
Re-reading this, I'm still not convinced I didn't just get lucky with my Werewolf story.
Daughters of Le Fey has been put away and not touched, certainly not added to, for six or seven years. My mother-in-law read it (or as much of it as I've written) and she has always encouraged me to continue with it.
I've had the plot rattling around in my head for the past seven years and I know where it's going but I can't get it out of my head yet.
I'm sincerely hoping that, like Ash's story, because I'm working on it every day, it will start to get a life of its own again and I'll be able to progress.
I think, because it's set at a more gentle pace, I'm having trouble with describing the people and their actions. I'm used to action-driven storylines. I may yet have to rip it apart and start again...
It's coming! I've added to this part and you'll see it's longer than the previous version. The Muse is starting to take notice and she's coming back to me.
“Yes, I know this. Is the reason that you are in proximity of this spirit known once as Dominic because you are feeding on his lies?”
They nodded their heads together and replied; “You are correct. We follow him constantly. He is a master of lies and we feed off them. There is never a famine when he is in the world of man. But even powerful Demons as us get bored with the same fare and this spirit’s lies were sweet and fresh to our pallet.” The demons pointed as one being, in Katherine’s direction.
“Demi-demons, I command you only once more, and then I will allow you to return to your source of sustenance.”
“Name it, Morgana.” The creatures answered.
“Before you go, know this, there will be no more lies to be fed off from this spirit – I forbid it – for she is a true follower of Morgana le Fay. I command you, therefore, to introduce yourselves to her. Show her your true forms and tell to her your true names so that she will forever be able to recognise you and your kind.”
As one, the creatures threw up their hands in disgust at the instruction. They turned to face each other and began babbling to themselves. Their hand gestures were almost violent and Katherine expected them to come to blows with each other very shortly. Suddenly they seemed to come to a decision and turned back to Morgana.
“We agree that we will follow your command, Morgana le Fay, but on a condition.”
“Name it, demons. I will not promise to agree to the condition without hearing it however.”
Both shrugged and said: “Very well. The condition is that this spirit will not introduce us to the spirit once known as Dominic. For if she does, we will never be able to feed from him and we will have to find other spirits to feed from.”
Morgana looked to Katherine for her answer.
“I will never introduce you to him. I will never tell him that he has such followers. I swear on my Goddess that I will keep your condition.” Katherine replied in an instant.
That seemed to please the demons and satisfied with the answer, they both changed to their more usual forms.
Katherine had never seen such creatures as these, either in this world or the half-world where spirits could use whichever form they preferred. They stood in front of her, allowing her to look closely at them.
She tried hard not to show her revulsion, for not only was their image hideous, the smell was nauseating.
They stood as erect as the hump on their backs would allow, as though they were proud of themselves for their appearance. They turned in unison, slowly so that Katherine and Morgana could view them in their full glory. Their heads were flat on top and also in the back, almost squared off, and were the colour of congealed blood.
Their eyes were tiny black slits with a sly and nasty gleam in their depths, squinting from beneath heavy eyelids. Their ears were tiny and pointed, but Morgana assured her, they could hear a lie even before it was spoken. A large and wicked mouth, filled with needle-like teeth encased in black, diseased gums was edged with purple and cracked lips.
The necks of these creatures were wrinkled and had the appearance of old chicken skin. Their humps gave them a stoop and forced their arms forward to make them look as though they were forever reaching out in front of them. The hump was not a hindrance to their swiftness however, as Katherine had witnessed in the forest.
From an emaciated chest hung the rest of the body, which was mottled and discoloured, reminding Katherine of multiple bruises at varying stages of the healing process. Scrawny arms with large knobbly elbows and wrists ended with vicious claws instead of hands. The legs were not very different, with bony and protruding hips, knobbly knees and feet with claws rather than toes. Their fingers were constantly twitching in front of them, their eyes darting this way and that.
When they had completed a turn, they stopped and put their head on one side with a sense of curiosity. Then together they spoke:
“We are each a Vile. A Demon was spawned as the first lie was uttered; we are kin to that first Demon. We are many but we two are special. We are twins, identical in every way. We have never been separated; we will never be separated. We feed on lies, deception and a promise broken. Our favourite sustenance is the promise that is given to a child and is not kept. Especially succulent are the tears caused by a deception or broken promise. We cannot be killed, but we can be driven away. Mistress Morgana, you do not expect us to reveal what will drive us away do you?” Their plea was whining and wheedling.
“Yes, I know this. Is the reason that you are in proximity of this spirit, following the one known once as Dominic, because you feed on his lies?”
They nodded their heads together.
“You are correct. We follow him constantly. He is a master of lies and we dine on them. There is never a famine when he is in the world of man.”
They turned to each other and laughed as though they found the other’s comment both unique and amusing.
They turned back to Morgana and said, “But even powerful Demons as we get bored with the same fare and this spirit’s lies were sweet and fresh to our pallet.” The demons pointed as one being, in Katherine’s direction.
“Demi-demons, I command you only once more. After which, I will allow you to return to your source of sustenance.”
“Name it, Morgana,” the creatures answered. “We live to serve.” Again, they broke off in fits of what would seem to be their version of giggles. A harsh, irritating and disturbing sound that echoed and resounded through the trees.
“Before you go, know this. There will be no more lies to be fed off from this spirit – I forbid it – for she is a true follower of Morgana le Fay. I command you, therefore, to introduce yourselves to her. Show her your true forms and tell her your true names so that she will forever be able to recognise you and your kind.”
As one, the creatures threw up their hands in disgust and dismay at Morgana’s instruction. They turned to face each other and began babbling and chattering to themselves.
Their hand gestures began as pointing and accusatory and became almost violent. Katherine expected them to come to blows at any moment. Suddenly, they came to a decision and turned back to Morgana.
“We agree that we will follow your command, Morgana le Fay, but with a condition.”
“Name it, demons. I will not promise to agree to the condition without hearing it, however.”
Both shrugged and said, “Very well. The condition is that this spirit promises to not introduce us to the spirit once known as Dominic. For if she makes him aware of us, we will never be able to feed from him and we will have to find other spirits to feed from.”
Morgana looked to Katherine for her answer.
Katherine nodded that she understood the creatures’ terms. “I will never introduce you to him. I will never tell him that he has such followers. I swear on my Goddess that I will keep your condition,” Katherine replied in an instant.
That response pleased the demons and, satisfied with the answer, they changed to their more usual forms.
Katherine had never seen such creatures, neither in that world or the half-world where spirits could use whichever form they preferred. They stood in front of her, allowing her to look closely at them.
She took advantage of the opportunity to study the creatures and tried hard not to show her revulsion, for not only was their image hideous, the smell nauseated her.
They stood as erect as the hump on their backs and their twisted spines would allow, as though they were proud of themselves for their appearance. They turned in unison, slowly so that Katherine and Morgana could view them in their full glory.
They were not identical twins but more a mirror image of each other. The twist in their spine marked the difference with most prominence. One spine swung left and the other swung right.
As they stood with their backs to Morgana and Katherine, that fact was most noticeable, the raised bumps of their spines meandered down the swollen hump like a range of mountains across a diseased land.
Their heads were flat on top and also in the back, almost squared off, and their skin was the all the colours and hues of congealed blood.
Their eyes were tiny black slits with a sly and nasty gleam in the depths, squinting from beneath heavy eyelids.
Their ears were tiny and pointed, but Morgana assured her, they could hear a lie even before it was spoken. A large and wicked mouth, filled with needle-like teeth encased in black, diseased gums was edged with purple and cracked lips.
The necks of these creatures were wrinkled and had the appearance of old chicken skin, folded and creased.
Their humps gave them a stoop and forced their arms forward to make them look as though they were forever reaching out in front of them. Neither the hump nor the twist in their spines were a hindrance to their swiftness however, as Katherine had witnessed in the forest.
From an emaciated chest hung the rest of the body, which was mottled and discoloured, reminding Katherine of multiple bruises at varying stages of the healing process.
Scrawny arms with large knobbly elbows and wrists ended with vicious claws instead of hands. The legs were not very different, with bony and protruding hips, knobbly, knock-knees and feet with claws rather than toes. Their fingers were constantly twitching in front of them, their eyes darting at every sound.
When they had completed a turn, they stopped and put their head on one side with a sense of curiosity, one on the left, the other on the right. Then together they spoke:
“We are each a Vile. A Demon was spawned as the first lie was uttered; we are kin to that first Demon. We are many but we two are special. We are twins, identical in every way. We have never been separated; we will never be separated.”
Their body language showed how deeply proud they were of their heritage. They nodded as though in agreement with the other and Katherine couldn’t help but study them in awe.
“We feed on lies, deception and a promise broken. Our favourite sustenance is the promise that is given to a child and is not kept. Especially succulent are the tears caused by a deception or broken promise. We cannot be killed, but we can be driven away. Mistress Morgana, you do not expect us to reveal what will drive us away do you?” Their plea was whining and wheedling.
Most interesting demons...
Yes... I'm not sure if they're 'real' or not (it was a long time ago that I wrote them in) but they're certainly plausible.
upvoted and resteemed
I do not understand how you do it. it is almost like a magical ability. I read them side by side, section by section, and I just do not get it. They both read easy, and both seem filled, yet the edited version is easier to read, and more fulfilling to read. If I ever learn to write, I will get you to edit for me. (fear not, no plans for a book).
No... I'm not sure I understand it either LOL
I suppose it's the years of experience - although, the Publisher I work for keeps sending me manuscripts with the instruction to 'Work your Magic On' ... maybe you're right ;)
stories, beautiful works ... hopefully you continue to grow
A talented person is talented in everything! You are an excellent example of this folk wisdom!
wow..this is a perfect handy work of your own..am so much impressed to follow and read more of your work..keep making your audience proud @michelle.gent ..upped
Thank you :)
This is a great story and post from you. I like it.
These are wonderful exercises. It's so easy for writers (myself included) to find our words to precious to cut or swizzle. It's a gift, but it is also a skill that can be developed. Thank you for your leadership!