A few thoughts on distraction and redemption[Writing]
Wait and wait.
It is so easy to try and dodge the work. Lately I found myself looking up math hypnosis videos on Youtube rather than turning on my computer and studying. I have fallen asleep to the sound of "I love math, it is easy and fun." enough times now to recognize what it is saying, "I am just trying to avoid the work."
I can think of many times when I've spent half of my writing session making yet another writing playlist. My Spotify folders are filled with playlists that have two things in common, they all have Time from Inception in them and they're just a manifestation of my resistance to work.
Most are of the apps on my phone are just little distractions, solitaire, Tinder, and Instagram, little escapes from the real world and the war. Sometimes I use them to escape difficult emotions that I am scared to process. The heaviest weights are the hardest to put down.
Porn is a great example of that. I use porn all of the time as a way of distracting from the fact that I feel incredibly alone and am craving the validation of another human being. That little hit of validation is soon replaced by the awareness of an empty room, an empty feeling, and a mess to clean up. It's not so much a feeling of shame as it is a sort of mental eye roll at myself. I want to ask myself, "Really? You thought this would work out for you this time? This is no different than every other time you tried to crawl into the arms of some fantasy, only to be lifted just high enough by the pixel pixie dust for it to hurt when it drops you.
I try to run from the heaviness of dissatisfaction with my life in music too. Yet another sad playlist as I mentally rummage through the tattered trinkets and Polaroids that invoke memories of her. They dance round my head like demons on ecstasy, I rent my mind as a venue for hell to host its raves. As Johnny Cash laments his empire of dirt and Noel Gallagher tells me not to look back in anger I writhe and wait for tears that don't come, wondering in the back of my mind who I'm putting on the show for.
Lately I wake up in the morning with a feeling of dread, and the bitter pill that I can't escape it. I feel tied to the tracks. You can't run from yourself, I am the train that's coming for me. Run the world around and there will be a mirror waiting for you at the finish line to remind you how very much yourself you still are.
I guess the secret is to quit worrying about whether the world will end and plant a garden anyways. It's true you may never see the flowers, but I think you'll enjoy watering them either way. Some fine day you may watch them bloom, that's the day you'll realize the water tastes sweeter than the fruit.
Hello Steemit! My name is Jonathan Turnick
I am a writer and poet based in the Pacific Northwest of the United States
This is the place to access all of my work, I post my latest and greatest here first! I love sharing with the vibrant community here!
Here is a picture so you can put a face to the name, don't judge my highly contrived selfie too much!
I made this handy guide to my work for you! Here are my most popular projects and posts!
The Memoirs Project:
Memoirs: The furniture store or it's not hard to assume your life away
Memoirs: Moving to Spokane or When every day is a Season Finale
Memoirs: Losing all my money was worth every penny
Memoirs: Two Fake British Girls and a Real Russian, No ice...
Memoirs: How Molly changed my life
Memoirs: Red Rose in a Porcelain Vase
My best poetry
Golden Wings: An angel and her demons
Popular Posts
Hi @jmt, I just stopped back to let you know your post was one of my favourite reads yesterday and I included it in my Steemit Ramble. You can read what I wrote about your post here.