Memoirs: The furniture store or It's not too hard to assume your life away
It's what mom and dad want. They've already invested so much in me. It's my only option. If I leave so many people will be disappointed. These were not good reasons, but they were my reasons. Reasons, much like chains, if untested will bind you regardless of how weak they are. They felt strong at the time, so I didn't test them. It's not too hard to assume your life away.
Generally, people don't change until the pain of remaining the same is greater than that of changing. I was no different. I had been working almost 9 months at a job I loathed. I woke up with a sense of dread, I felt sick all the way to work, I felt like I escaping prison with my life every time I left. I didn't fall asleep, i ran to unconsciousness in terror, my last thought being the sickening knowledge that it wasn't going to end. I kept going, day after day, pouring my life into a hole. Watching it all pass by me, resigned to the slow death of hope. Was this it? I guess so. No one said any different. I asked people, "be thankful you have a job," or "that's work." is what I heard. This was one of my darkest times, now it feels as if I am awake from a nightmare.
The path split on a crisp April day. This was the day of my broken redemption. I was driving to work, early as always to a place I didn't want to be at all. I rounded a bend and became intensely aware of a massive knot in my chest, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I inhaled anyways and as I let out the breath I broke, sobbing, screaming at my steering wheel, tears streaming. I knew, I knew I had to quit and that made me feel worse. I don't disappoint people, I didn't have it in me. But it didn't matter what I had in me, I was already broken. As soon as I got to the store I found Rick, the owner, and I told him honestly, pitifully, that I had to quit and I wasn't happy there. He was very surprised and sad. But he told me it's my life and I need to do what will make me happy. I couldn't believe he understood. I realized I might be able to be human. I worked the most awkward two weeks of my life, I did a great job up to my very last moment.
Many influences led to that decision, but one of the foremost was a video I watched in passing on Youtube, a book review called "The top five regrets of the dying." It was a great review and I remember with clarity the number one regret, I wish I would've lived a life that was true to myself, rather than what other people expected of me. This was a new way of living for me, to ask myself, "what do I want?" felt foreign, I was unfamiliar with my own taste, my own voice. I realized no one was coming to save me, I had to figure it out. In the words of Eminem, "Superman ain't saving shit, you can jump on Shady's dick." I started looking at life in terms of the things I would regret missing later, what can I do now so that I am living like I will wish I would've later. Live like you wish you would have lived. I just set out to do things I wanted to do, simple as that. Sometimes I got depressed and let it all fall apart, I will talk about that later, but in general I steer the ship toward better ways and brighter days.
Quit assuming you're flawed and must be fixed before you change your life. It is in setting out to change your life that you will encounter the opportunities to heal. It is not our job to create the opportunity but to make ourselves ready to take advantage when opportunity knocks. I write to capture inspiration as it comes, I do not wait to set the trap until after the prey has passed.
Hello Steemit! My name is Jonathan Turnick
I am a writer and poet based in the Pacific Northwest of the United States
This is the place to access all of my work, I post my latest and greatest here first! I love sharing with the vibrant community here!
Here is a picture so you can put a face to the name, don't judge my highly contrived selfie too much!
