The process I took to learn how to mourn
I was asked to do a post about mourning as I got the impression from previous conversations that some people struggle with this part of life. For me, I found that mourning is complex and requires the ability to feel sorrow or grief, deeply. Prior to 2001 I had no concept of any of this as I rejected feelings and focused on living my life completely dependent on my intellect.
The problem with that approach is that mourning became something that was foreign to me. I literally had no idea what the big deal was when somebody passed away. I could not grasp the concept because I refused to get emotionally attached to anybody. My feelings were hidden away and not allowed to be expressed, however they were masked with anger and frustration.
When my maternal grandfather passed away when I was 13, I refused to go to the funeral. I have the benefit of hindsight now that I've been through my healing process. What I know now is that I was hurting a great deal. I saw my grandfather as being bigger than life. He was a cattle rancher with several hundred head of cattle and he was also a brand inspector. He owned several sections of land in the beautiful Hand Hills located east of Drumheller Alberta, near the hamlet of Delia.
I have very fond memories of helping him with chores, pushing big round bails with the front mounted tire on his truck. Driving through the pasture and shooting gophers in some of the most beautiful land I have ever seen. I loved the smell of his pipe as he would smoke in the morning before doing chores. I would instantly wake up once I heard his foot steps at 5:30 in the morning. I love doing chores with him as it was 'my time' to be with him. Otherwise there was usually 50 people in the house. So I cherished my alone time with him as we pumped water for the cattle, milked a cow or two and fed them hay in the winter time.
My love for my grandfather was as deep as any young boy can muster. When he passed away it hurt me deeply as I felt abandoned and alone. So deep was my pain that I shut it out and expressed anger instead. My anger manifested a strong desire to not even want to attend the funeral. I blamed him for leaving me and I was angry with him for years.
What I know now is that I was hurt deeply. I miss my grandpa and I can still feel the pain as I write this post. However, I'm not mad at him any more. The anger was there to mask my pain because I did not want to feel it. Instead I've learned that with every deep emotional relationship, they ALL will come to an end. Every relationship ends on this physical realm. To feel the sadness, pain and sorrow is something that I avoided in the past but now embrace openly.
I've found a level of comfort feeling sad. It may sound strange, but I enjoy feelings of sadness because it tells me that I've opened myself up and let people into my heart. I work hard now to have deep, emotional connections with people knowing full well that when they go, I will be in pain.
I welcome the pain because with it came years of enjoyment, love, compassion, empathy, laughter, heart ache, joy, sadness, struggles, frustration, learning and every other feeling and emotion one can have. Feeling the sorrow and grief of loosing a love one is my reminder of all the great times I had with them. It helps me to cherish all the lessons and learning that we both had while working through the trials and tribulations of friendship. It reminds me that time on this planet is short and to cherish every single moment because it will never come again.
For me, mourning is about letting the feelings flow and to feel comfortable with that process. Sadness, pain, grief and other feeling are not meant to be suppressed. They are meant to flow through us and through the heart. Tears are our way of letting those feelings out so that our body does not have to hold onto it, which causes illness and disease.
It is hard to learn, but I love crying. I love building connections so deep that it hurts. I love it when somebody expresses their true heart felt feelings and we cry together. That level of connection I find is rare and I cherish it more than gold or any other earthly possession. I know deep in my heart that life is ALL about relationships and because of that, I will jump in with both feet to experience the friendship to the best of my ability.
I have mourned my grandpa's death but I still feel the deep love and connection that I had with him. My memories of my time with him are fond and that is what I will cherish for the rest of my life. It is those memories that I will take with me when I die and I will seek him out to share with him what he meant to me while he was here. Until then, I've said good bye until next time we meet. I do that with every relationship I forge. I've been hurt a lot through the years and I'm okay with it. I took the risk knowing full well the consequences and I've been enriched by the experience. Pain is a companion that I've learned to respect and express, rather than hide behind a mask. It is just as valuable to me as joy, love, happiness, sadness and sorrow. They are not positive or negative, but instead are neutral. They are what they are. How I react to them results in a positive or negative experience. I work hard to have positive experiences with ALL of them.
So how do I mourn? By feeling deeply, crying, remembering and being grateful for the memories. By finding ways to express how I feel in words as I would rather tell people how much they mean to me face-to-face than have to say good-bye to a shell when the true spiritual essence of who I loved has already moved on. I pray that I was able to do that within this post as I attempt to share how I've learned to mourn.
Thank you for another great heartfelt post @wwf. 💙 I applaud you once again for open up and being vulnerable. I feel the pain of the masculine in our Universe. They have a role of being the stronger of the two sexes and were told not to feel not to cry. But strength is not about feeling it is the exact opposite. It takes bravery to face our pain and heal it.
When we bottle it up inside of us we become emotionally and physically sick. I know as a child that survived much trauma what it is like to suppress those feelings as well. When I was five and I cried out for help I was silenced, in fact, beaten. I never spoke about again until I was twenty-six years old.
I will say this over and over. The only way to heal is to feel. And, I am also planning on sharing more of my personal experiences here. I didn't realize the way we could really inspire encourage and support one another here. Much love broSTAR!
Tears are one of the honest expressions that describe the grief and pain inside of us, it reflects the extent of the wound inside our hearts.
Tears are the only thing we cannot control or prevent; it reveals our secrets and the mysteries of our souls, the extent of our longing and our vulnerability, and the extent of regret and remorse,
The difference between a man's and a woman's tears is to show it or not to show it.. my friend @innerstellar
Very beautifully expressed @yagoub
Wow. Absolutely beautiful. Well said. Art form right there! In my view, the strength of a man is shown by his willingness to show those tears despite what others may think, say or do. <3 Bravo.
I agree with what you said. I find that a strong masculine individual does indeed cry and needs to show feelings, love, compassion, empathy, joy, love and a strong desire to protect and guide. It is the divine masculine and we need to step into that role so that we can meet the divine feminine as equals to join forces that will reshape relationships on this planet for ever.
That requires both sides to heal and learn what it means to step into that divine role. It is not what we were taught when we grew up. This is new and is manifesting now on this planet. Together we will change how relationships will unfold. Thank you for 'feeling' what I wrote. I am grateful that you felt what I was getting at. Thank you for those kind words and for sharing my work.
You expressed it here beautifully! You are very welcome. It needs to be shared. 🙏
@wwf this one hits close to home, not because I struggle with mourning, but precisely because I haven't been able to open myself up and feel the pain of loss, to feel that missing piece when someone passes. All my life I haven't gotten how people can feel such sorrow, I think it is because I shut myself off to it.
I could have wrote this (If I was more eloquent.) My grandfather just passed last year, he was a special figure in my life, but I didn't really mourn, I didn't feel overly sad, and I'm not sure if it's because I feel that that is how life is, we are all on our way to death. But really, I've never felt overly sad when people in my life pass.
Like I said in your last post, I'm working on being vulnerable. I'm on my way to embracing these deeper feelings, and I do know sadness and empathy, I do feel hurt and loss when I see others hurting, but when it comes to myself and my own feelings I have work to do to let myself feel those feelings.
Thank you for approaching these difficult subjects with the community.
maybe that means struggling with mourning... poor wording*
My friend, I am impressed with how open you have been in regards to your own struggles. To me this shows a very high willingness to learn which means you are ready! Not many people are willing to look in the mirror and confront what they see. I applaud you for not only being willing but also able to do that level of self reflection and surrender to the process of learning and changing. I pray you have people around you who can support you through this process. You will change and be a different man when you are done. I look forward to witnessing a transformation! <3 Peace to you.
A lot of transformation has already happened, there's a line in this song I like:
I feel like over the past few years I've changed quite a bit internally. Like I told you, I'm working on being vulnerable, and it's partly because I need to to be who I want to be, my true self. My girlfriend and I ended up pregnant after two weeks of knowing eachother, and it's been a struggle to find common ground at times, we've had ups and downs, but she is my mirror, and the more work I put in with her and my family, the more rewarding it is. She is my mirror, she's not afraid to point out my flaws and has been a powerful force in lovingly transforming me.
I used to be quite selfish, feeling that I knew more than those around me, but life has shown me I don't know much of anything, it's shown me to start listening and to meet my challenges even if I fear them. I'm still a work in progress, but like you said, I'm willing to take that hard look at my flaws instead of pretending they aren't there like I used to.
Thank you for your kind words, and again for the blog, I get something out of the majority of your posts and love the fact that we can have conversations about difficult topics without judgement.
Much love good sir
I applaud your efforts. I've found out in my life that the more I learn the less I know. The universe keeps opening up and revealing just how little I know. lol. So I have a feeling this is a life long journey and as we master certain aspects of who we are, more will be revealed. It is like finding Easter eggs in a computer game. Life is full of them. Enjoy the journey. Lots of Easter Eggs to find! <3
I have been fortunate enough to never had anyone I was close to pass away...yet. I have however been abandoned TWICE by 4 yr long relationships with no explanation. It's very tough mostly being that I relied on no other outside emotional support. Being a hermit with poor social skills after living in the woods alone I am struggling with this recent abandonment. But what you say is so true. ALL relationships will come to an end. And I completely agree that these feelings should not be repressed as they will only come back in uglier ways. I thankfully don't do this anymore. I actually can't! I'm starting to feel the same about sadness, gratitude that I formed bonds powerful enough to bring forth such emotions. I must admit, I am somewhat envious, of people who got to know their grandparents. I actually just told my parents today that I wish I knew more about them at all. Sooo much love for you and what you share <333
I have witnessed a lot of sharing of late and you are right at the top of that list. I am so grateful for your willingness to express what you have experienced and be vulnerable in the process. Bravo to you as I am sure others are reading your story and finding the courage to open up and do the same for themselves. I am honoured and feel privileged that you would share like this. I thank you for providing us a glimps of what you are all about. Between your own post and your comments, I feel I have grown to know you more and more. That builds a bond and a connection as we find common ground within our relationship. Because of that bond, we grow closer together and when our relationship ends it will be painful. But I am grateful and I look forward to processing that pain as I've been enriched by the experience. For that I thank you as my life is now richer as a result and I pray you feel the same way. Peace to you. Thank you for demonstrating how deep, enriching relationships can be forged between two people.
I certainly feel the same way, truly blessed. And I really feel like I'm making progress . Today has been wonderful, so many smiles and heartwarming exchanges. I doubt I'd ever of felt comfortable sharing so openly on fakebook nor without the inspiration/encouragement found here.
Mourning for each person is as unique as the stars in the heavens. Each of has to find that journey on our own. No one can tell us the right or wrong way to mourn a loss. I remember being very confused and angry when my mother passed. I was 17 years old and the eldest of seven. I was given all sorts of advice on how I was supposed to react. Grandmother's advice was to keep a stiff upper lip. She was old Brittish stock. We never talked about my mom. It was like she never even existed. That clearly was not the answer. I suffered for years until I finally came to terms that it was okay to shed tears and share memories. I think that my brothers suffered more. It was not manly to show emotions, so they too kept feeling bottled up. To this day I think they are still suffering. I think it is a shame that even in today's society, men are not encouraged to show their emotions.
Indeed. I was told that men don't cry as well and that we are supposed to be tough. However, I've since learned that emotional toughness does not mean 'don't show any emotion' or to 'stuff and hide' the emotion. I've since learned that emotional strength comes from having the ability to express feelings in a healthy way and that it takes strength to cry and be vulnerable.
What helped me most was not what people told me on how to mourn, but by watching people mourn in a healthy way. That influenced me the most and I've never forgotten that lesson. Thank you my friend for sharing. I pray your brothers find within themselves a way to mourn in a healthy way.
Your analogy about mourning being as unique as the stars in the sky is beautiful! Stunning in fact as it is so true.
Peace to you.
Well reading your blog i can feel your pain and let me share quite similar story with you My friend, I lost my father when i was 9 years of my age. It turned me to a very different boy and changed my life entirely. I became more stubborn and frighten. I used feel fear from darkness, it is not like i was not crying in that phase of life but i did not show it to my family members. I used to cry alone as i was really attached to my Father.
When i entered into my teen phase then i made a principle of my life that i am not going to show my feelings to anyone because it makes me sick and coward in others eyes, again a wrong decision.
Then i went to my college and bullied there for my awkward behavior to normal situations. After all this, i wrote a religious book of my religion in which i found a guideline about life. Before going to my university for further studies i went to do some job before entering to the university. This thing changed my perception about life and i learnt feelings shouldn't be hidden. Crying and mourning makes you feel easy as you wrote above.
Today again you taught me one great thing which i am going follow for my life and that is
You don't know but you have a great influence on my thoughts and personality in all these days @wwf for which i am really thankful to you <3
I am humbled by your expression of gratitude and appreciation. I am happy to hear that you are finding ways to improve yourself, your life and your relationships. It sounds like we had some common issues growing up as children which also strengthens the bonds that we are feeling towards one another. Thank you for the courage to share deeply like that. Thank you for letting me know how you feel. <3
Talking with you always give me a sense of safety and confidence. I do feel that Creator is so happy with me who blessed me your friendship. I wish it remain the very same forever and ever My Best Friend <3 <3
I feel the same way. Except I know it won't be the same. Our relationship will change as each of us change and grow. I look forward to that change and growth. :) <3 Peace to you.
I am sure that growth would be really positive and we would have a more stronger bond in future, i am always here to support you the Beautiful Soul ;)
Thank you so much for sharing this morning process from your very own personal experience. I have a tendency to hide my emotions but have slowly learned to express my feeling in words. This has helped me tremendously. Thank you!
I am so happy to hear how much my sharing has helped others. Thank you for letting me know and for having the courage to talk about the work that you are doing. Bravo my friend. <3
My husband of 36 years passed away suddenly and unexpected about 3 months ago. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for this post. I continue to be amazed by your insights.
Thank you @firststeps for having the courage to share. I feel honoured and grateful. 36 years is a long time. My wife and I have known one another for 30, married for 24. I cannot imagine how it will feel if I lost her. Thank you so much for sharing. I pray that your mourning process goes well for you and I am grateful that you found something to help with the sharing I did within my post. <3 May Creator bless you with peace in your heart, prosperity, joy and love as you move forward with your life.
Death is a natural end for everyone, but yet most of us do not know much about how to deal with what happens to us when a dear person dies on us, the best way to get rid of grief is to allow the grief to exist until it ends...
Often grief is a good thing because it makes us feel the other, and it makes us keep our relationship and make us know the value of others.
Without grief, we cannot feel love and cannot take care of our relations and cannot advance in our life...
There are a lot of people who have succeeded because of grief. Like you my brother... And also the player Riyad Mehrez the winner of the best player in the England league
Riad said: I was 15 years old when I lost my father... this shock has made me work so much to fulfill my father's dream to be a big football player.
God created the Sad for our life to be better... Not to destroy our lives.
thank you my brother @wwf for open your heart with us
Well said my friend. I am absolutely loving your commentary lately. Thank you so much for sharing it openly! <3 Peace to you @yagoub.
I feel so sad right now...I have this quote of Khalil Jibran for you: " out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the more massive characters are seared with scars"
I lost my father at the age of 12 and I had ditto...your kind of challenge to face..i couldnt mourn him, I was afraid of realisation that i had lost something "that" big..to the world I portrayed i am a strong person but in noght I was lonely scred little girl..scared of her future..herself. i do realise from yoyr post the importance of mourning..even today i see dreams in which he comes back and it is all so real, I wake up and everything goes away.. I think i should take time out to mourn him..this much I owe him or the pain would not forgive me..great lesson i was able to learn. Thanks my friend @wwf . Prayers for you and your grandpa.
This post really touches on something that is pervasive in our society. People see so many ways to like, love, and hate each other because they are things that happen frequently and over a long time. Death is often a very abrupt thing and is not something people show to the public.
I have experienced both my sets of grandparents' passing and 2 siblings. Each of these was things that I had a lot of support for and I am extremely grateful for those who helped and mourned with me, however there was one that was by far the hardest.
My father's mother took my sister's passing (very suddenly of congestive heart disease) very hard. She looked for superstitious ways by which she should have known that there would be a death and said (and I believe she meant it) that she should have been the one to die. From that point on she stopped living. She wouldn't leave the house (even for her husband's funeral) and she went on crazy food binges where she would only eat 1 type of food for months (like ice cream) and where she was insistent on only drinking bottled water but hated being a spend-thrift so she would drink as little as possible. Years went by with this kind of behaviour and it finally came down to a point where she had a fall. My sister went in to see if she wanted something from the grocery store and found her on the floor. She refused to let my sister or parents call 911 and my sister was helping her even in the bathroom for a 1.5 days. When my parents and sister told her that it couldn't continue she took an ambulance to the hospital and they found that she had a broken hip. There had to be an operation but she did not come out of the anesthetic well. She spent 2 years in an assistance facility without speaking once but being very touchy when we came to visit (several times a week) about us giving 100% of our attention and providing good entertainment while we were there. It was a bit exhausting. She wasn't a person who was easily pleased when she was younger and it didn't get any better once she decided that she should have died instead of my sister.
How do you mourn someone who made you feel so frustrated and helpless to do or say the right thing, not to mention how hard it is to feel secretly satisfied that she got what she wanted when she finally died? She and grandpa lived with us from the time I was 6 years old. I loved her but I didn't really like her and I feel like it makes me a bad person because I know she loved me. What is true mourning under these conditions? I struggle with it though and I honestly hope she has found a situation that makes her happy where she is now.
It is hard at times when we love somebody who is either self destructive or even abusive. Covert violence is something that lots of people struggle with as love tends to muddy the waters. You and I both know that your grandmother was in a lot of pain and not dealing with it at all. I suspect you did not like her because of her covert violent behaviours, whether you were consciously aware of them or not.
Despite that, it does not take away the fact that we love people despite their violence. When we love somebody we tend to put up with more abuse than if it was a stranger or even a casual friend. But to be abused to the end leaves people hanging. So now it seems that you are confronted with your own feelings as you were not able to help her in any meaningful way, other than just being there for her.
In my view, you put up with the abuse and still spend time with her. That does not make you a 'bad' person. If anything it demonstrates a level of patience, understanding and compassion that many others would admire. What I see is that you now carry with you the pain of that abuse and the pain of the loss at the same time. Is it possible that you are being confronted with having to forgive yourself as you did the best you could and forgiving her as well? I'm no expert, but I suspect that if you can find within your heart to forgive, then the mourning process of saying good bye to her can proceed. Until the forgiveness is done, saying good bye will be difficult.
My friend, as far as I can see, it is not your fault that she reacted the way she did to the death of her grand daughter (your sister). We cannot change other people, but rather walk the path to influence each other. As such, your grandmothers path was hers to walk. You were there for her in the best way you knew how to serve. I see no reason why you need to carry the guilt around with you. Put the burden of her life on her, rather on yourself. Forgive her and yourself. That should lighten the load so that the mourning process can continue.
That is what I see anyway, based on what you shared. I thank you for having the courage to share such a deep and intimate experience. I pray that what I see makes sense and that it helps you in some way. May Creator bless you with peace, freedom, prosperity, joy, love and a lighter heart!
Thank you. I hope for the same peace for you.