RE: The process I took to learn how to mourn
This post really touches on something that is pervasive in our society. People see so many ways to like, love, and hate each other because they are things that happen frequently and over a long time. Death is often a very abrupt thing and is not something people show to the public.
I have experienced both my sets of grandparents' passing and 2 siblings. Each of these was things that I had a lot of support for and I am extremely grateful for those who helped and mourned with me, however there was one that was by far the hardest.
My father's mother took my sister's passing (very suddenly of congestive heart disease) very hard. She looked for superstitious ways by which she should have known that there would be a death and said (and I believe she meant it) that she should have been the one to die. From that point on she stopped living. She wouldn't leave the house (even for her husband's funeral) and she went on crazy food binges where she would only eat 1 type of food for months (like ice cream) and where she was insistent on only drinking bottled water but hated being a spend-thrift so she would drink as little as possible. Years went by with this kind of behaviour and it finally came down to a point where she had a fall. My sister went in to see if she wanted something from the grocery store and found her on the floor. She refused to let my sister or parents call 911 and my sister was helping her even in the bathroom for a 1.5 days. When my parents and sister told her that it couldn't continue she took an ambulance to the hospital and they found that she had a broken hip. There had to be an operation but she did not come out of the anesthetic well. She spent 2 years in an assistance facility without speaking once but being very touchy when we came to visit (several times a week) about us giving 100% of our attention and providing good entertainment while we were there. It was a bit exhausting. She wasn't a person who was easily pleased when she was younger and it didn't get any better once she decided that she should have died instead of my sister.
How do you mourn someone who made you feel so frustrated and helpless to do or say the right thing, not to mention how hard it is to feel secretly satisfied that she got what she wanted when she finally died? She and grandpa lived with us from the time I was 6 years old. I loved her but I didn't really like her and I feel like it makes me a bad person because I know she loved me. What is true mourning under these conditions? I struggle with it though and I honestly hope she has found a situation that makes her happy where she is now.
It is hard at times when we love somebody who is either self destructive or even abusive. Covert violence is something that lots of people struggle with as love tends to muddy the waters. You and I both know that your grandmother was in a lot of pain and not dealing with it at all. I suspect you did not like her because of her covert violent behaviours, whether you were consciously aware of them or not.
Despite that, it does not take away the fact that we love people despite their violence. When we love somebody we tend to put up with more abuse than if it was a stranger or even a casual friend. But to be abused to the end leaves people hanging. So now it seems that you are confronted with your own feelings as you were not able to help her in any meaningful way, other than just being there for her.
In my view, you put up with the abuse and still spend time with her. That does not make you a 'bad' person. If anything it demonstrates a level of patience, understanding and compassion that many others would admire. What I see is that you now carry with you the pain of that abuse and the pain of the loss at the same time. Is it possible that you are being confronted with having to forgive yourself as you did the best you could and forgiving her as well? I'm no expert, but I suspect that if you can find within your heart to forgive, then the mourning process of saying good bye to her can proceed. Until the forgiveness is done, saying good bye will be difficult.
My friend, as far as I can see, it is not your fault that she reacted the way she did to the death of her grand daughter (your sister). We cannot change other people, but rather walk the path to influence each other. As such, your grandmothers path was hers to walk. You were there for her in the best way you knew how to serve. I see no reason why you need to carry the guilt around with you. Put the burden of her life on her, rather on yourself. Forgive her and yourself. That should lighten the load so that the mourning process can continue.
That is what I see anyway, based on what you shared. I thank you for having the courage to share such a deep and intimate experience. I pray that what I see makes sense and that it helps you in some way. May Creator bless you with peace, freedom, prosperity, joy, love and a lighter heart!
Thank you. I hope for the same peace for you.