My Promo-Mentors Writing Challenge: How Depression Changed Me

For this week's Promo-Mentors writing challenge, we were asked to write about an experience that changed us. Looking back on my life, I quickly come to the decision of what I have to talk about: Depression. My depression lasted for two years, and although it encompasses a set of experiences, it is an experience in itself. Throughout this whole period, there was a constant sombre feeling. In hindsight, I am quite grateful for that experience, although I do not wish Depression upon anyone, and I definitely would not want to suffer through it again.

How my Depression Came About

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Repression

In 2011 (I was seventeen) I started coming to terms with my sexual orientation. For each person, this is a different process. As I had quite a religious upbringing, this was rather difficult. I had been in catholic schools from the age of eleven, and in those times where I should have learnt who I am, all I did was repress my identity to satisfy my religion. However, that is not how us humans function - whatever we repress can resurface any time, without warning. I started my second year of my post-secondary education in September. I suppose that this would be equivalent to the last year of high school in the American system - it was an important year. There was this guy in my maths class whom frequently sat next to me. He was quite friendly, and frankly, I did not have any close friends at the time. Out of the blue, I realised I had feelings for him, and I felt guilty, ashamed, and worthless. I opened up to this guy, my crush, and, although he did not reciprocate those feelings, he was quite supportive. With his help, I came out to my friends and found support, and then eventually came out slowly to my family.

Coming Out

Coming out to my mother was quite a tough thing to do - I was anxious throughout that whole morning and did not leave my bed. Then, I did it when she came to see if something was wrong, and that's when I told her that I liked boys. Great! The hardest part is done. Yet, from that day onwards, things went downhill. I do not want to imply that she was not supportive, but she definitely was not understanding, and looking back, that's okay. However, I felt misunderstood, lonely, worthless, and that's how my depression started. All those repressed feelings, bottled self-hate, they resurfaced. It was too much too handle. There was no reason for those feelings to hide anymore, I had no more secrets. Well, apart from the fact that I was depressed and suicidal. I started going to therapy in December that year. My parents were not aware of my depression; they thought I was going to discuss whether my sexuality was a 'phase'. They hoped it was.

The Depression

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The Sombre Days

It was two more years of depression. Took antidepressants during most of those years - there was a period I had given up and started to not take them. Nothing was given me pleasure anymore, and I was way too moody. I just spent my time at home playing games, and even when exams came, I barely studied. Luckily, I still passed my exams, although, not with flying colours. At the same time, I had my first relationship. Not something that I am fond of, but it definitely taught me much more about myself and about the world. We lasted around three months, and had a very lonely Summer afterwards. A few months later, I started going out to the clubs and met a group which I joined. Most of them were LGBTQ+ individuals, and we used to go to different clubs, mainly the local gay club. They were quite extroverted; I was shy - an introvert. It did not make that much sense, but it definitely felt great - I felt like I somewhat belonged. Belonging was a new feeling. Every Saturday, we met and went out to the clubs, and like the majority of the Maltese adolescents, we engaged in binge-drinking activity. Yep, I got drunk many times - but this was normal behaviour. It was not healthy, but it was normal. At times, it made me feel good, other times it made me even more depressed. It was my only shot at happiness. Pleasure, rather than happiness. At home, I never felt pleasure, so feeling good for a few hours was definitely worth it, even if alcohol was somewhat expensive and harmful.

Fighting Back

The next year, 2012-2013, I had to start going to university, and I was not sure what course I wanted. Finally, I ended up enrolling in a B.Sc in Business and Computing Studies. It was not all bad, but I was not mentally there. At least once a week, I stayed home, and when January exams arrived, I had not studied anything. I knew I was doomed. Eventually, I dropped out without sitting for any of the exams, and thought of re-enrolling the next year. When the time came, I decided to enroll in something different: B.Sc in Mathematics and Statistics. It actually had a longer name - too long to remember. I enjoyed that year, and managed to make lots of friends - I still talk to one of them to this day. Unfortunately, my concentration was not there, and I failed many exams (almost half of them). Even though I failed and could not repeat the course, it was not a brutal year. I was being gradually weaned off the antidepressants (as guided by the psychiatrist), and I was able to control of my drinking behaviour.

Recovery and Blessings

Summer of 2014 arrived, and I was feeling better than ever. I had started writing poetry some time in 2013, and was taking it seriously by 2014. It was the only way I could express myself. On July 3rd 2014, I met my boyfriend - and that has been a blessing. We actually met because of our shared interest in poetry! Depression was over, and I was being rewarded with all the good things I ever wanted. I enrolled in another course, B.A in Philosophy and Psychology, in which I worked extremely hard and eventually graduated in 2017. Life wasn't just okay, it was great: better than ever. Looking back at my life, I would not change any of it. Yes, this was an extremely dreaded time. It was bleak, the days were sombre. Yet, without it, I would not be who I am today.

What Depression has Taught me

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Responsibility and Acceptance of Feelings

First and foremost, I learnt that I am responsible for my life, my choices, my moods. Self-acceptance was key to dealing with depression. It is easy to blame family members, religion and others for making me hate myself. Yet, at the end of the day, I held the power to stop hating myself. And I did. The biggest lesson I have learnt is that it is okay not to be okay. It is okay to feel sad, depressed, unwanted, or any of the negative feelings. We are human, and these are natural feelings. What does not work is to bottle feelings up and hide them. It never helps. I always visualise this like a volcano, waiting to erupt - eruptions are dangerous and to be avoided. Repressing feelings is a defence mechanism, not a solution. When it all came back up, it destroyed my psyche. Through depression, I learnt to never repress or suppress my feelings again. If I have negative feelings, I will channel them artistically in poetry. Write about them. Put them out there in the world. That way, I know that, both as an artist and as a person, I am processing and accepting these feelings.

Artistic Creativity

On that note, one of the best by-products of my depression was poetry. Before that, I had no creative outlet; I was not even a fan of poetry. I am not too sure why I thought I would be good at poetry or why I tried it out. To this day, poetry remains a great outlet to channel my emotions, both positive and negative. In fact, I have expressed my story of depression in a collection of eighty-eight poems, which I titled Welcome to the Sombre Days. As you may deduce, depression is different to every individual, which brings me to my next point: personality.

Challenging my Beliefs and Personality

When I was younger, I used to think that I am lazy and that without effort, things fall in their place anyway. Being depressed deeply challenged this: and with each course I enrolled in, I worked harder and harder. Actually, I worked smarter. In my mathetmatics year, I did study too much, and without a clear head, I could not truly learn. In the following years, I realised that not everything is about working too hard, but also about taking care of oneself. Yes, taking care of myself, mentally and physically, has drastically boosted my concentration and memory. Believing in myself was another reason why I did well in psychology and philosophy. Somehow, I looked at myself at a different light. I worked extremely hard not only academically, but also to get out of depression. Recovering from depression definitely made me feel invincible, and that notion has been transferred to other areas. Nowadays, not only do I see myself as diligent and hard-working, but also as determined, motivated and persistent. In a way, I am that person who I thought that I could never be.

Coming Out Stronger

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Overall, it is challenging to put all that I have learnt into this post: I acknowledge that there are certain impacts which I am possibly unaware of. I accept and embrace my depression and my mental health, for it made me much stronger. As Nietzsche says, "that what does not kill me, make me stronger". Yes, Kelly Clarkson adapted that quote into her song, but no, it was not her saying, originally. You can take this saying and, poetically, imagine onself as a diamond. At first, I was a rough diamond, still part of the rocks and unnoticed. Then, depression came about, and it processed me into the shiny diamond that I am today. The process is never pretty, but the outcome is!

P.S. If you do enjoy poetry and liked this post, be sure to read about the release of my book, today 9th March, at the post, Welcome to the Sombre Days.

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My new poetry collection, Welcome to the Sombre Days, is published as paperback on Amazon and ebook on Kindle. Each day, I am sharing another poem from the book on Steemit. Here are the available parts so far:

Announcement & Forward
Book Release

Chapter 1: Puppet Strings
#1 - Dancing Queen
#2 - Fruitcake
#3 - The Best of Both Worlds
#4 - Applause
#5 - Hush!
#6 - Inside Me (1)
#7 - Ink-chanted (1)
#8 - Overshadow

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