Disciplining Children -- Questioning the Norm!
Opportunities for examining our relationship with ourselves are seemingly endless. Delving in deeply to dissect the way we interact with our world is part of the grand reason we are alive in this physical realm.
Our relationship with ourselves reflects greatly in our children, and that any hope for humanity relies upon us holding space for a conscious, empowered, inspired, genius, responsible, sustainable, honorable new generation of beings. If we can keep from squashing their divine existence out of them and instead immerse ourselves in the magnificence of their presence, the whole world and everything we know about it could miraculously change.
I wish to open dialogue about raising children, and specifically now about discipline/punishment. I don’t really want to necessarily delve into the intricacies/similarities/differences between discipline and punishment, but care more about the effectiveness of it, the perceived need for it, and any other alternatives that might exist to it.
Most people (at least in the U.S.) for many generations have been raised with a great amount of discipline. Children are seen as needing to adhere to certain social standards, and raised to behave in an acceptable manner as is decided by those who have come before and are around them. When children are unruly, or "misbehave", discipline has been seen as important to correct and control their behavior. Time outs on a chair in the corner, being isolated in the bedroom, taking away privileges or grounding, as well as spanking have been, and still are, quite the norm in many parent/child relationships.
When I grew up it was very common for children to be spanked, not only at home, but also at school, often hearing from the spanker: "This hurts me more than it hurts you, believe me!" When the spanker chooses to believe spanking is actually helping the child, it sends the message that this is what love is.
I also got spanked on occasion as a child, though not nearly as often as my siblings. I was a keen observer of their behaviors and the consequences that ensued, and I figured out how to respond by "behaving" when I heard the words "Do I need to take off my belt?". The threats and actual spankings did serve to change my behavior, though I feel certain that was not the most beneficial long-term way to make me be a better person.
In being involved in the raising of children, being an advocate for children, and in sharing perspectives on parenting for several decades, it is very apparent that many people who got heavily disciplined as children, especially spanked, believe they deserved it. They believe they were unruly, out of line, or just plain bad. As my brother once told me “I got spanked, I deserved it, and I am better for it. My kids are now good kids and they also got what they deserved.” Often children who were disciplined by corporal punishment grew up and now also spank their children, using the same reasons/excuses their parents did to exert control over them.
The pattern of disciplining children in our society is still "normal". It is said, and commonly accepted, that disciplining children teaches them to make good choices, to manage their emotions, teaches them skills to become responsible adults, helps them manage anxiety, and to become honest, kind and sharing people.
It is our duty and our responsibility to question everything in our lives and upgrade to the most conscious perspective possible, not just to take what is "normal" as truth. It is necessary to examine the way we raise our children, our perceived need to control them, or to make them be how we find them acceptable to be.
We are generating the next generation of human beings.
How they turn out, depends on what we do today.
We must seriously consider our intentions, our actions,
and how they will affect our children for their entire lifetime,
and most likely, generations to come.
I WOULD LOVE YOUR FEEDBACK:
What forms of discipline did you experience as a child?
Do you discipline your children?
If so, do you discipline them using the same/similar methods used on you?
Do you consider a disciplined existence to be fear based or love based?
Do you have any insight on a better way?
I live at the @gardenofeden in Texas, where children are honored as divine beings. The vision of a responsible and empowered existence is being exemplified everyday, a truly joyous and extraordinary life based on the founder @quinneaker's infinite perspective. Learn more about life in our sustainable community:
My Steemit Best Undiscovered Author Award winning post: Imagine the Potential for Life If Children Grew Up with True Freedom in a World of Self Design: Here is a Real Example of Children Living Such a Life
A Taste of The Abundantly Free Life in Our Sustainable Eco-Village
My sisters and I were raised with yelling, physical beatings, groundings, and even written punishments serving as "the way to keep us in line." As a child, I was scared of my own parents. They were unpredictable to me. I don't think that it contributed much to who I am today, except that it provided me with a long list of things that I knew I WOULDN'T do to my own children. Once I was blessed with children of my own, I took a way more peaceful approach to raising them. They've had a lot of freedom, no spankings, not even groundings. I've tried to model desirable behavior and willpower, but I've never been convinced that it's enough in and of itself. So I also taught them good manners, how to talk to people, and pretty much everything that I've learned about being human (and not an animal). I also chose to homeschool, but this comment is already too long. Sorry! :) Thanks for opening this discussion. It's such an important topic, and it can be so hard to find the right path. I hope that speaking honestly and without rancor can truly help.
One thing that volatile parents can teach us, is how we DON'T want to be! Good for you for seeing through it all and choosing another way.
Many children are afraid of their parents, which also then leads to lying, sneaking and covert behaviors, or dumbed down, passive, doormat victimhood. These things affect us more than we even know--sometimes it takes us way past our parenting years to discover the damage.
I used to believe in good manners, and appropriate behavior, but have since realized that if children are treated with true love and respect, that will be their natural inclination. There will be no pretend niceness, just genuine, natural true gratitude.
There is so much to talk about in the realms of parenting. Thank you for your lengthy reply @jenncapestany. I unschooled my children -- which is, in some ways, a topic for another series of posts -- though truly it is all the same stuff.
I truly appreciate your input and comment on this post. I will be following up with more posts and would be grateful to have you join in the discussion.
Happily! For those of us seeking peaceful parenting and seeing our children grow up as bright, independent flames, discussions like these are key. You're brave to take it on. I'll keep an eye out for future posts!
I believe there is nothing more important to do than to question and implement change. For without it, we will have nothing. The life most have chosen is not sustainable and the children will bear the brunt of our irresponsibility. Discussions like these are truly important. I am so grateful for the interaction here. Thank you for being a part of it.
One problem is that people think that these 2 words mean the same thing: Discipline & Punishment
Discipline comes from the word "disciple". A disciple learns from example and time spent together. We are the example to our children. They will probably turn out to be a lot like us. So let's set a good example.
If our children see US doing all of the above, they will likely slowly mature and learn to do the same. Whereas if they see us "losing it" and screaming at them and smacking them over a childish mistake or something they did that so easily irritates us and sets us off -- then they will likely grow to learn the same behaviour that we have just displayed.
I think that the hardest part of parenting is that I am the one who has to finish maturing and discover why seemingly little things that they do can set me off sometimes. I need to be the grown up and stay calm and continue acting in a loving way. It can be hard. But it is not my child's fault their normal childhood behaviour bugs me so much. I have to discover my own faults first and work on improving them in order to be the parent that my children deserve.
I so agree with you @canadian-coconut. WE, the adults, are the ones that need to look within. If we cannot even deal with ourselves, how will we ever inspire a new generation? Looking at ourselves to see why things bother us so much is really ideal. It not the child's fault we ourselves have so many dysfunctions. Hopefully we learn before it's too late by infusing them with all our gunk!! I love hearing that you are aware of and taking responsibility for your own self. I'm so grateful for your perspective and your sharing your experience with us. Blessings to you @canadian-coconut.
I would agree that many people think they mean the same thing. I remember hearing when I was a child "Do as I say, not as I do!" Example is of utmost importance. Therefore, we must find the gems inside of ourselves first--actions speak louder than words. Thanks for your comment canadian-coconut!
I was physically disciplined by multiple family members but most aggressively by my dad who left serious bruises on me all the time. I knew from the beginning that it was not love and I also knew from an early age that there was something wrong with them. Even though I knew the difference between love and abuse, I still grew up to be pretty violent. I got into a lot of fights in school and I used threats and violence well into my 20's to satisfy my ego. Luckily none of my upbringing is transferred to my kids now. Maybe because I was able to clearly identify love from abuse since I could remember.
How beautiful it is to break the cycle @claudialynn. Awareness is definitely the primary key. It is also interesting how deep seated our childhood trauma is, even though some may see it as normal. Our personalities are built on layers and layers of life experiences, so to uncover them can be quite the journey.
I believe we are entering new times where people are waking up and realizing there is definitely something wrong with the way things are, now looking for solutions and new ways of being. I'm so grateful to be a part of a whole new paradigm!
" It is said, and commonly accepted, that disciplining children teaches them to make good choices, to manage their emotions, teaches them skills to become responsible adults, helps them manage anxiety, and to become honest, kind and sharing people."
I always have these thoughts;
For instance;
Good choices according to who?
Most people say that the goal of discipline is to let them make good choices etc. but if I look at it from the outside mostly the actual goal is obedience not the making of good choices.
This is culture, making obedient slaves, later in live it's obedience to the law, the main purpose of the law is obedience to the masters/system/police and whomever wants to dominate, and not the stated goal in the law.
I believe if you teach your children by example or just let them experience natural consequences to their action as much as possible they learn the most.
But I may not speak about what I think, they say, cause I don't have experience cause I don't have children, mostly I tell them that I have the experience of having been a child and that that experience is one of the biggest reasons that I don't have children.
Wise words @wordsword. "Good choices according to who?" EXACTLY!!! When we realize most every thought we have ever had is not our own, we realize the vastness of what we believe is BS. Obedient people indeed make great slaves. We live in a very, very, unbelievably indoctrinated and sick society, and the only way out, as I see it, is to begin right now with ourselves and let it flow over to our children. Experimentation will bring natural consequences, we need not pretend contrived situations are necessary for responsible living.
With awareness, your experience as a child is the best experience for how to honor a child. To me it matters not whether you have children, as the memory and knowing how it feels is more than enough. Another great man I know said those same words. Profound words, in and of themselves.
Thank you for your comment @wordsword. I am truly grateful to explore these important issues with you.
Thank you for your comment I was reading through the other comments and there you have the spare the rod...... thing again. I read you wanted to write another post about that.
Well there is another verse in the bible that gives them a fantastic justification for chastising and killing their children. I had written a bit about it in this comment but I removed it.
Because I get really sick to my stumac about it. And sad, angry and cynical in what I wright.
Maybe you can handle it in a more calm way.
Do you know or want to know which verse it is?
Edit ; I read you comment again and see you wanted to mention it in this post...not write another post about it , sorry for the misunderstanding.
It would be interesting to know what verse it is. I have heard many spare the rod ... excuses over my lifetime. I cannot pretend to know the bible, so am not about to debate the meanings and justifications as presented therein. I just go with my heart and feel strongly that honoring their divinity is the only honorable thing to do, no matter what words have been written. May we all tune into their blessing!
Deuteronomy 21:18-21
Let's hope they remember John 8:7
I'm not a christian anymore but somehow I remember a lot of things from the bible.
They call it the doctrine for a reason!
I remember very little from my religion days--gratefully--other than the trauma that set me free. I have heard there are several verses that suggest things likes the Deuteronomy verse. I give no heed to those words. Religion is a means to control the people, inciting hatred and wars, while preaching love and the word of "God". When we all come to know a true loving god, then we will remember unconditional love...religion will be a thing of the past, and there will be hope for the reunion of mankind.
Thanks for the input @wordsword. I appreciate the exchange!
Lovely post. reminded me of a passage in Nietzsche's
"Thus spoke Zarathustra":
"I HAVE a question for thee alone, my brother: like a sounding-
lead, cast I this question into thy soul, that I may know its depth.
Thou art young, and desirest child and marriage. But I ask thee:
Art thou a man entitled to desire a child? Art thou the victorious
one, the self-conqueror, the ruler of thy passions, the master of thy
virtues? Thus do I ask thee.
Or doth the animal speak in thy wish, and necessity? Or isolation?
Or discord in thee? I would have thy victory and freedom long for
a child. Living monuments shalt thou build to thy victory and
emancipation."
What a beautiful quote---"Living monuments shalt thou build to thy victory and emancipation." Thank you for your comment @yoganarchista.
Yes, it is an amazing book :)
Greetings and hugs :)
Seems intriguing. Anything that brings about conscious awakening is of great value. Hugs received and returned a bazillion fold to you @yoganarchista. <3
I don't think beating a child into submission is any way to yield conscious, responsible adults - and beatings come in many degrees, from physical to emotional to mental. If we agree it is inappropriate to use force against an adult (in most cases), what justifies using force against a child, an even more innocent and naive being?? It programs a person to think that there is always an external will to bend to, that some external authority is constantly judging and controlling them, and that they are good or bad and and deserving of abuse. Not to mention that if they dare "step out of line", harm and pain may result! Adults walk around with this guilt, judgment, and fear and go on to create a low-vibe society that perpetuates the cycle.
I'm grateful you're willing to have a conversation about it, and I'm grateful you set an incredible example of how incredible and powerful a respectful relationship with children can look like!
I agree with you 100% @saramiller. How humanity has come to believe that controlling children is the way is beyond me. I can hardly fathom that there is any rational reason for such behavior by adults, and even more shock that we have bought into it for generations on end. We are now seeing the consequences of our complacency. I hope--for the sake of the children and the world--that we wake up and change our ways.
Thank you beautiful Sara for your witness and for chiming in on this subject. You and I both know what a HUGE difference it can make in everyone's life to rethink everything. Blessed are we to be living part of the solution! <3
Better to explain and set an example.
Their eyes are watching--and hopefully ours are too!
So true and well said.
Thank you!
Just gotta look at small town history book here...They considered Indians savages because they didn't punish their children. That shows you exactly the mentality that saturates our culture right there. Stop punishing children period! I always felt I never deserved it. Makes you want to slit your parents throat. Including the paternalising governments.
It is incredibly frustrating to see what has become the norm! It is extremely difficult to go in public, as people are so horrendous to their children--it's sickening! I just remember that in order to treat another human being, especially a child that way, they themselves must have been treated with grave disrespect. They themselves are suffering greatly. Sadly, they are giving the best they've got!
Stop punishing the children period!!!! I'm grateful for your comment @havok777. I find it rare that people truly believe children can be raised without punishment. There are so many ideas about right and wrong, good and bad, should, have to, must.......be appropriate! Aargh! I'll be posting more on this subject. I truly appreciate your sharing your perspective.
Spare the Rod,spoil the child.....Proverbs 13 vs 24.........There are degrees of beating.
While i was growing up,i prefer been beaten by my mum than see her shed tears as a widow for so many years.
@oluwoleolaide I have heard of Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child. I was actually considering bringing it up in this post. There are degrees of beating, but can't say under what circumstance I could fathom agreeing with beating a child. Beating comes in many forms, as @saramiller mentioned in her comment.
Would you care to share more about your last sentence? I feel there is something of great benefit to explore in your statement. I truly appreciate your contribution to this discussion.
Some big questions here and wish I had more time to think about and answer them. It's not so easy when there is a 2 year old pulling at your leg :)
My technique is to hold my higher vibration at all times. No matter what he has done, I never get angry. I just say 'no Esteban' in a calm voice and give him something else to play with! This does seem to have had an effect however: Now he says 'no bubba' and continues doing what he wants! haha :)
Good thing you have two legs @samstonehill!
I have many times been asked "why do you say yes to your children so much?". My reply--"It's their life." Of course I give them guidance and perspective, but ultimately, supporting them in the creation of their life of self design, is way more valuable than coercing them into living mine. As long as their desires and actions do not intrude on the free will of others, responsible experimentation is of the highest order.
Thank you for your comment @samstonehill. I believe we share some similar desires to facilitate a joyous life for capable, responsible, free children.