LetsTalk—Can We Be Brutally Honest Without Hurting People?
It was Day 1 of @steemfest, and @sjennon had accompanied me to a meeting with @roelandp. He offered to buy us dinner and we ordered ourselves a delicious meal at the Canvas restaurant. Unfortunately, the food when it was delivered was just terrible!
It was extremely salty, therefore almost inedible. In a few minutes after Roeland left, we gave up eating. We didn’t want to unnecessarily waste the food so we managed a little, drinking large sips of water to gulp it down. But no more! When the waiter came to ask me how it was, I just blurted out that it was absolutely horrible and asked him to convey the same to the chef.
He was apologetic and left with the dishes. Shannon looked at me and said, ‘Dude, you can’t do that!’ I wasn’t sure which part, so she clarified that I can’t be that direct! He could’ve felt bad. I realized that but then it was the truth. I had to let him know that a meal (very expensive and paid for by a friend) went wasted, so that this situation doesn’t repeat itself!
I didn't mean to offend, it's just that I’m generally quite direct and often simply straightforward.
However, I know how to appreciate people, and I do it with great enthusiasm, sincerity and honesty. But, when I criticise I remain amicable and constructive in putting forth my views. Only rarely do I lose my cool!
But, in that moment I was exhausted from being on my feet all day long and I hate it when a restaurant messes up an order causing wastage, and ergo was overtly direct in my feedback. It wasn’t personally directed against the waiter nor was my tone rude but I had to express my disappointment and I did!
This situation presented itself yesterday when I was out for lunch with my friend @varunpinto. This time however I managed to weave some humour into my feedback to the waiter as I sent him away and remembered this incident from my trip.
To Sugarcoat or Not!
Sometimes being overly honest can lead to embarrassing situations. If you recall Jim Carrey’s movie, ‘Liar Liar’ he went through a dreadful number of situations where he was unable to stop himself from being honest. He would constantly embarrass himself or the other person. Often hurting their sentiments, especially that of his son.
Do you often find yourself sugarcoating situation that you utterly dislike?
How relevant is honesty today?
Honesty is a virtue, and being brutally honest is something many of us aspire to be! But is it really relevant today?
If you think about it, it could have disastrous consequences. You might ruin your friendship and lose a valuable person in your life from being direct and honest. Your boss or colleague might take offense to your honesty even if they are at fault. You might find them being racist, unethical, unprofessional and when you state the facts they might find it unacceptable to hear your feedback and eventually screw you over for stating facts. A facebook troll might even try to hack into your account and damage your reputation!
In our personal and professional lives in order to remain polite and cordial with one another we generally avoid being too direct. Even if it means we have to sugarcoat things when we relay across our points. Because, truth be told, not everyone is capable of dealing with an honest opinion or criticism. In some cases they may not even be mature enough to take a straightforward feedback even if it's beneficial to their lives or career!
Judging and Hurting Sentiments
We are constantly judged by everyone around us. It’s nearly impossible not to do it ourselves. However, if you value your personal or professional relationship with the person, sometimes one can avoid being too direct and hurtful, and side step a little to relay your point across without any need for sugarcoating. Call it diplomacy if you will, and it isn’t always possible but many times you can work things out without ever hurting sentiments. Most often than not, there is never a need to hurt anybody’s sentiments!
Nobody cares if you are frank!
It’s true! Just because we like to be straightforward, doesn’t mean that others will take our words and sit tight. They may not deem it necessary to even take it at face value and chances are they won't. If we are abusive in our responses it might trigger retaliation more often than not. Often souring relationships beyond any scope of repair for the rest of our lives!
When we put our points across we must make our intentions doubly clear! If we prefer to be frank, we must also expect someone giving us feedback to make their intentions clear about why they are telling us something. As long as it's constructive, it is easily digested. If it isn’t abusive or a form of personal attack then most people would welcome it.
Objective Criticism Is The Best!
It best to look at situations objectively and follow a rule of thumb that people are always sensitive to your harsher opinions and judgements. Sometimes, it can cause an immediate backlash! You might even cause the person to withdraw into a corner by putting forth your views and cause them great stress or anxiety over a situation that might not have needed such a harsh response.
If you consider yourself thick skinned, remember someone else might not always be that way!
We must always put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and provide our opinion about what went wrong instead of how the person is always wrong in doing it. Having a colleague or friend with a strong or frank opinion can sometimes complicate situations in a personal-professional environment where sometimes our colleagues are also our friends.
But, at the same time one cannot sugarcoat things all the time. People need to realize that an honest feedback is to help better themselves than simply pointing at their inefficiency.
When we speak to someone we must be receptive of their views. It will help us in identifying how capable the person is when it comes to accepting feedback. When we criticise someone non-verbally or verbally, in-person or on the internet, as long as we can present the benefits of improving the situation by a change of attitude then it’s likely that the other person will understand us.
The Bright Side of Being Brutally Honest!
People often find direct and straightforward people to be reliable, trustworthy and dependable. It allows one to build up credibility in the long run. One gains reputation from being direct and not from a 24/7 sugarcoated banter that will likely put them off.
So what can I do?
Remember, being sensitive to others’ feelings doesn’t make you weak! Chances are you will achieve the desired result. Perhaps even build a strong long term personal friendship or professional relationship with them. It is always best to exercise some empathy and tread carefully without hurting others unnecessarily.
If you like my work, please share my posts and follow my blog to support me. You may also continue reading my recent posts which might interest you:
- This is My Plan for STEEMFEST 2017 + Slots Open for My Crew + Requesting Feedback!
- Steemit Veni, Vidi, Vici! SteemFest 2016—Together, WE made it happen! Thank you Steemians!
- This Fast & Furious Spoof from India is Hilarious and Sums Up Our Lives Here!
- LetsTalk—How Did You Find Your Passion in Life? This is How I fell in Love with Motorcycling!
great post firepower
I find it a little strange that everyone claims to be very direct and candid and a straight shooter etc.
Just once I'd like to meet someone who says I beat around the bush a lot, sugarcoat everything, you'll never get a straight answer from me, in fact I tell girls their asses don't look fat in those jeans before they even ask!
@trafalgar Thanks for your comment!
bwahahahha
I look forward to your comments on my future posts as well! :D
Hahaha! The one problem with someone doing that, is that it would completely fly in the face of their statement, LOL. I was actually sent to this post by @everlove who wrote a great post about lies/truth as well. There seems to be a collective conscious situation going on, as I went to her post after having a very similar conversation with a couple of other members. (You should definitely read her post if you haven't, or meet her if you haven't, she's wonderful)
Her post was great! Thanks for your comment @dreemit!
maybe they're just shy and don't want you to see them naked! lol
@alexpmorris hahahah! Who knows! :D
@trafalgar, that would really help in the world and time that we live in.
@lucashunter I think so too!
Hahaha, from now on I will wear jeans in all of my posts! :D
Comment of the week!
lol! There is much I can learn from you
Lol
@everlove linked this to me after a discussion we had on her post of a similar nature. I for one love straightforward people. Even those who have a tendency to come off a bit harsh by their bluntness. One of my dearest friends on this platform is not one to hold back- @son-of-satire- though he is also readily able to apologize if he feels he was too harsh and is great about being able to take just as well as he dishes out.
My husband often says that what we should all be working toward is one hundred percent empathy. The steps to get there, I believe, begins with being entirely honest with ourselves. Also taking personal responsibility for our actions. When you spend your time judging your own heart and mind, you're much less likely to harshly judge someone else because you'll always be aware of how imperfect you are, therefore understanding the same of others. And you'll have a much thicker skin, able to hear a criticism without falling apart, and better able to offer a constructive criticism to someone else without coming across as an ass, ha.
I admit that I long for the day where there is no more need for catchphrases such as 'politically correct' because we've graduated to the understanding that the bodies we're in are nothing more than costumes that house our spirits. And costumes by nature are colorful and diverse, people appreciate them for it in fact.
Thank you so much for your valuable comment.
Your husband is right in saying this:
I look forward to the same.
Im glad you took the time to respond. It's always great to read feedback such as yours to my work. It makes the time spent writing worthwhile!
I'm really glad this post was referred to me, it makes me wonder how many awesome posts I miss out on. I love all things of a potentially philosophical nature, basically thought provoking pieces that lend the opportunity for mental or spiritual growth.
I keep thinking about writing these style posts, and I'm not exactly sure what is stopping me. For the longest time I was only posting fiction--or more to the point, chapters of a series of books I'm writing. More recently I have become passionate about photography, and that has led to posts, not only of pictures, but also blogs of interesting things in the area that I live.
The first posts I ever put up were of a short story series I referred to as Reality in Fiction, which I feel I should continue with at some point soon.
For now though, I just enjoy finding posts like this one and having great conversations in comment sections. So thank you for writing this and I will definitely be checking on your page, it is beyond worthwhile! :)
Thank you for your kind words! I had a great time reading the comments. I love it when people take their time to leave a genuine feedback! I hope to write more things that interests the community as well those I really like writing about! :)
I'm still discovering what topics I can write about. Usually I find myself writing about my experiences through life and I find that to engage well with my audience as well. In the past I wrote a LOT of automotive content when I worked as an auto-journo but now I've discovered I can write on just about anything that I find very interesting! :)
I would sign that right away! :)
Oh, I know you would. So many of the people with that mindset are here on steemit :) So I have already spoken to @andrarchy, who suggested we go to his apartment, have food delivered, and film the whole thing. Basically we just need to know what day works best for you. And he said @voronoi and @hansikhouse are also in the city. I haven't met them, but I don't mind reaching out, learning what time of day would make it possible for everyone. How exciting! I can't believe I'm going to see you!
Actually, after further consideration we're thinking perhaps a park or a pizza place (I'm voting for the pizza place, you can't go to NYC without having pizza there)
I sent you a chat :)
Love your comment about objective criticism. Also think that you need to pick your battles and share objective opinions when you feel it may serve as a catalyst for change and growth. Sometimes it is better to stay silent.
Yes I agree! Well said! :)
This was good and balanced, friend. I think people falsely associate honesty and frankness with being rude, but it need not be so. Honest and kind feedback, even if critical, ultimately communicates care and concern for the person and a desire for things to be better and often even have the person improve.
But.. just because someone will take offence unnecessarily, doesn't mean we shouldn't speak. Some people will be offended if you say anything than that they ought to be worshipped. For those, you just do your best, maintain your own integrity, and say.. oh, well.
I'm really working on being sincere across the board, and am learning this I only truly possible if sometimes I offend! The purpose isn't offence, of course (I hate people who just like to stir the pot.. so dumb and wasteful of precious human energy), but it is sometimes a consequence of integrity and the truth.
Great post. Xx, Kay
You are absolutely right! People aren't necessarily that open minded to being told upfront about things and how they really are. Being sincere is a good way to go about things. It separates the the good people from the bad ones very quickly in your life. I've learnt that over the longer time frame, it's better to speak your mind (it doesn't have to be totally blunt and hurtful but direct, even if a little less direct sometimes) goes a long way in keeping things simple. Time is our most valuable resource. Beating around the bush only wastes time in the long run! :D
So glad to have a kindred spirit on this. Mature people actually appreciate sincerity and honesty, and prefer their friends to be honest, as long as there is also a consistent attempt to be kind and gracious--which really is possible.
I agree! Most of the time you can just spit out your thoughts to your closest friends and they take it and you expect them to do the same. Call the bullshit on you when you are in the wrong. Ideally that's how it should be I think...
Great to know your thoughts on the matter. I'm not alone in think this way haha!
Great post!
Haha, yeah. I remember that day - I was fucking exhausted as well. The reason I said it, eventhough the food was salty AF, is because I think that service in The Netherlands is pretty polite. We always ask nicely, even if we complain about something. Too direct can be taken as rude.
Maybe it's because of my former experience as a waitress. I would seriously hate it when people just plainly stated something. I even believe someone snapped their fingers at me like I was their dog. Being a waitress is not fun. As a human being, I expect to be treated properly, even if I am serving one's food. No need to be rude to ME. I did NOT make your food miserable or pissed on your tastebuds.
The waiters are there to help you, provide you good service. The food can be shit, but that is not their fault. The only thing that they can do is provide you service - if that is shit, yes then be my guest to tell them they aren't doing a good job.
Snapping a finger at you is very impolite, i agree, but letting you know that the food wasn´t good is imo not rude, if it is true.
If you pass it on in a nice way, it might lead to improvement and hence more content and returning guests, and possibly even more tips/better pay in the long run due to an increased popularity.
@nomadnessie
This is exactly my point. In any line of work, especially service related industry its vital that one is able to take feedback as it comes.
Asking a customer how the food was and getting a straightforward answer is not unusual I think...
@sjennon Yes I agree with you and now we understand each other better. Any customer would expect their order to arrive as expected, this wasn't the case. If you remember, I wasn't rude, just direct and you are right about people in NL being very polite. We all have to face critique in our lives, being able to propel it to better ourselves is what we must strive for. I've worked many jobs myself and I understand how difficult it can be sometimes but then again learning to deal with the situation is very important. Atleast I wasnt pissed off as I can be sometimes and had I done that it would have been morally wrong. :)
Hahah, not I am curious about you being pissed off and breaking morals. Do you have examples? :p
None except when Im hungry I want good food on me plate! :P
Great post @firepower!!!! I love this topic so much I wrote about it myself just yesterday!!!
https://steemit.com/philosophy/@everlove/lies-lies-lies-what-s-up-with-all-those-lies
I think it is really tough to be honest with most people. I've been "nice" most of my life, and have found that I also sugar coated things -- first because I didn't want to hurt anyone else's feelings, and second, because I didn't want mine hurt either! I've also recognized all the truths I did not tell in order not to hurt someone else's feelings just stayed bottled up inside and eventually just ended up hurting myself (and sometimes the relationship) anyway. I have also found that telling the truth actually diffuses my own frustrations almost immediately and can clear the air so judgments and grudges don't have to build up.
Of course not everyone wants to hear the truth and as you say may retaliate or the relationship will be ruined forever. It is great, however, to build friendships based on truth and to have friendships where you can be yourself, work through things, and know you can count on what is being said is real.
Learning how to address the truth with others is definitely a skill and one we could all benefit from giving and receiving. I love that we are talking about these subjects as we have new opportunities to evolve ourselves and strengthen our love for ourselves and others.
Thanks for keeping it real @fireower. I really appreciate having met you at Steemfest--you are truly one of my favorites as you feel like such a genuine soul. Blessings to you dear friend.
The truth only hurts for a little while but lies hurt forever!
Awesome comment @monaco1. Lies do really carry on and on and on. Thanks for your presence here.
Thank you so much!
Truth is sometimes difficult to digest and harder even to bottle up. Best to let it out in regular doses to avoid hurting ourselves!
I feel humbled with a tinge of blush! hahahaha Thank you!
Agreed!! Long-term and short-term discomfort are definitely worth consideration. Regular doses are generally much less intense as well.
And you're welcome @firepower. I'm grateful to reconnect with you.
Same here! :)
IMO there is a huge difference between being honest and being disrespectful.
If someone asks me for my opinion, i won´t sugarcoat.
And in that incident i also would have answered with "the food was barely edible" which is the truth and gives room for future improvement.
On the other hand though, this doesn´t have to be insulting - why would the waiter be insulted when the food was shit? After all, he didn´t cook it, and it is also true. Just because one is stating some truth doesn´t mean it is necessary to say it in a rude manner, e.g. shouting/getting mad at the waiter.
Also, like a comment further down is saying - why would you plainly tell someone they are fat and ugly?
Fat - one thing. Maybe there is a benefit in hearing that, if that person is asking you and is actually morbidly obese and it might get that person to lose weight (But usually - if you are that obese, you know it already).
But ugly? And who is the judge of that, and why does it even matter? That is, imo, just insulting and disrespectful and says so much more about you than about the "ugly" person.
And while i highly believe in being absolutely honest all the time (and agree with @firepower that it will lead to longterm trust and stable relationships) it is more often harder for the person speaking some uncomfortable truth than for the receiver.
Also, to be honest first and foremost you need to be able to be honest with yourself. This is probably something most people struggle with the most.
Thank you @nomadnessie for sharing your thoughts. I've realized over the years that the people I'm closest to are ones who can take the positive with the negative. Being able to accept feedback even when it isn't pleasant has helped me form many long term relationships with friends from all over the world.
It is often difficult to speak the truth. Many times we avoid doing it because of its tendency to hurt others and often it isnt easy to speak our minds.
I like the points you've made and you have it down well! I'm really happy that the discussion turned out great in this thread!
The thing with brutal honesty, is a lot of people just deliver the brutality and not a lot of the honesty. Gotta keep a nice balance there, and then its all good.
Abe Lincoln said that honesty is the best policy. Too bad people don't believe it. Not being honest sows the seed of tragedy.
@monaco1 that's a good line! :)
Well said and I fully agree. That was the scope of my discussion. Being balanced is very important!
Wrote this a while back.
Why I Choose To Be Confrontational
It is as if you wrote a respond to my post
oh wow! That's great! Now that I read it, it does feel like I'm responding to it haha!
I totally agree with this and many times I end up being this way.
There is nothing greater than owning yourself.
That's true!
I have no problem with letting a n y o n e in customer service know i have an issue or concern.you have to stick up for yourself. You can also get your point across without being "rude" or a "bitch". If you don't tell them they won't know. Especially if it's something I'm spending my money or investing time into. That's why i ALWAYS fill out customer service surveys. And i rarely give all fives because if any where is an "all five" it means they gave no room to improve. I think this is a general principle in life as well. Tangentially, runs along the same lines as the day you stop learning is the day you die. Now you may be thinking im a nit picky individual, no I'm not but I'm honest. For example, when someone asks how I'm doing. I may not be "great" i may not say "can't complain". I don't have to pour My whole life story out there but I'm okay with saying, "eh not the best today" " oh well why's that? " "i don't feel like discussing it".
So sick of the scripted bull shit and fake smiles. Be real
Well said! I agree! That's a great way to do things. I generally do the same when I give feedback anywhere. A 4/5 is what I aim for unless the service was exceptional and I feel it truly deserves a 5/5.
Couldnt have said it better myself!! \m/
Following you as you and looking forward to some interesting posts from you @chelsea88!
Thanks for the follow!have a good day
Thank you. You too! :)