Dark Road. Finish The Story Contest - Week #49

in finishthestory •  7 months ago  (edited)

Finish The Story Contest - Week #49

If you still don't know about this type of contest, I'll explain it to you: @bananafish and his gang (or her gang?) create a story and your mission, if you decide to accept it, is to create an ending, but only 500ish words. That's it!

This is my entry. If you want to know more about the contest, I’ll leave you a link to the contest down below.


Source

The Package

by @gaby-crb

(This is the first part of the story)

Condensation clung to the window, occasionally releasing a surge that cleared a path making the outside world visible. The cold white light refracted in the tiny water droplets. It was pretty, Shannon thought, as her breath spread across the cold window.
She checked her phone, the bright screen dazzling her. Her eyes darted to the mirror. The baby didn’t stir, still sound asleep in his comfortable car seat. She checked the time, the numbers read 23:46. There was no message.

She slipped it back into her coat pocket, wrapping her fingers around each other in an attempt to bring them back to life.

The CD stopped playing, the story finished. She pressed replay. The kid would no doubt wake up if it went silent. The story started up from the beginning. It was one she had listened to herself as a child. The narrator had a soothing voice, Shannon felt calm despite her predicament.

She checked her phone again. Still no message. Her eyes darted back to the boy, his blond hair showing underneath his fluffy hat. His cheeks pink. His blue eyes hidden beneath heavy eyelids.

A gloved hand rapped against the window. Shannon jumped, she quickly rolled down the window.

A clean shaven man ducked his head down to look at her.

“You have the package?”

His eyes glanced around the car, resting a few moments on the sleeping boy before returning to her face.

She nodded, her heart hammering in her chest. This was the first time she had done something like this.

She removed the key from the ignition and opened her door, the man stepped out of the way. She was not surprised to measure up as shorter than him. She fumbled with the key in her hand. She found it hard to swallow.

“How many times do I have to do this?”

Her voice shook. She wrapped her arms around herself, giving her hands something to grip onto.

“Until you’ve paid what you owe.”

His voice clawed at her insides. He stepped closer, a hungry look in his eye.

Shannon shivered. She was mentally kicking herself for getting into debt. But there was only one thing she could do now.


And here is my ending

"Do not resist. Do not complain", told to herself

The man opened the back door of the vehicle and took the child

"We'll let you know when we need you again," was the last sentence she could hear from that man.

The baby opened his eyes and Shannon could take one last look at his blue eyes. The infant protested but the perpetrator paid no attention.

Shannon returned to the safety of her vehicle. The narrator continued with the story that she knew by heart. She turned off the CD player.

Anxiety began to envelop Shannon, nerves took over her body, she began to pant. Every breath more suffocating than the last one, looking for air or something else to fill the void.

She tried to convince herself, she was doing the only thing she could do. She was doing the right thing to do. Empty words that were constantly repeated in her mind. Meaningless words.

But the panic attack did not leave her in peace, her heart pumped harder and harder, deafening her ears. A lasso seized her neck making her to almost lose consciousness over and over.

She tried to leave but she couldn't move. She couldn't stop shaking. She tried to calm herself, but her eyes went to the emptiness that reflected her rear-view mirror, a soul that was not to blame for this new fate stained by her own hands.

Who was she? She was also a victim of the situation. She couldn't do anything to remedy what had been done. A part of her kept struggling with herself.

However, Shannon could not forget his fluffy hat and the pinkness of his cheeks.

The ignition sound of the criminal's vehicle made the situation more tangible. She could see the smoke from the exhaust pipe of the van through the rearview mirror. A few seconds later, he began his journey to the unknown. She couldn't stop seeing two small red lights, like little red eyes of a snake sneaking in the dark.

She closed her eyes and her hand reached for the ignition switch and the keys started the vehicle. An avalanche of adrenaline ran through her entire being. She stepped on the accelerator thoroughly, marking her tires on the asphalt, turned around and chased the van. In a few seconds, she reached it and without thinking about the consequences she bumped the back of the van making it lost control and crashing them into a tree.

Her tires squealed on the asphalt when she pumped the brake violently. She couldn't stop to think about what she had done, not now. She got out of her car immediately. Both passengers were unconscious. Fortunately, the man had secured the baby in his car seat.

She took the child without looking back and after securing the baby in the backseat, she stepped on the accelerator pedal one more time, entering the darkness of the road in front of her, a path as unknown as her own future.

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https://steemit.com/finishthestory/@bananafish/finish-the-story-contest-week-49

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You really build and maintain the feeling of fear and anxiety that Shannon is going through during this ordeal.

A lasso seized her neck making her to almost lose consciousness

This is such a great description for that feeling of suffocation during a panic attack.

I like that you changed your mind, or rather Shannon did and she got her baby back.

A couple of minor things to watch out for:

Your first sentence, is Shannon's thoughts, which would possibly be clearer in italics, it just separates it for the reader.

"Do not resist. Do not complain." She told herself.

and this simple spelling mistake

she bumped the back of the van making it lost control
she bumped the back of the van making it lose control

Other than that this was a really well written and thought out ending :)

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my ending , and thanks for correcting my English

You are very welcome. I did feel obliged as it was my intro, but your entry was really solid.
I will try to look out for your entries in the future, although you will have to tell me off if my comments get too overzealous. :)

"Overzealous", I didn't know this word

Demasiado Apasionado in Spanish (too passionate, too enthusiastic)

I do love your super-comments too

Ooo this is a good ending. Shannons rising fear and panic building tension, the last look at the baby as she hands it over, her emotional reaction afterwards, really underlined by her turning off the CD. The way her panic immediately intensifies in the silence is wonderful.

The way she watches the tail lights drive away, and the final snap into action, the damn breaking and the adrenaline surging through her. Many people leave it too late to rectify the mistakes made in fear for ones self. I like that your Shannon didn't, and took action while she could.

The phrase fortune favors the bold is very true in this story, her sudden brave action, bumping the van and causing a crash but the baby being okay.

The final line here is just such a wonderful note to end on

entering the darkness of the road in front of her, a path as unknown as her own future.

<3 so perfect!

Thank you for your analysis. I appreciate it very much.



This post has been manually selected, curated and upvoted by CI mod staff team. Supporting all posts that are in high quality and don’t get enough recognition.



This post was submitted for curation by: @theironfelix
This post was voted: 100%

I have no idea how I would feel giving a baby to a stranger for some unknown, probably horrid, fate. But I'm guessing it would be something like you described. Your words conveyed her breakdown and finally her decisiveness well.

And I like happy endings. Well, happy for now. I imagine Shannon and the child have a scary future.

Thanks for a great entry to the contest.
-@ntowl

Hi! Mr. @bananafish. Thanks for the opportunity.

When I read the first part of the story, I asked myself: What the hell is a woman doing, alone, at night, carrying a baby inside a dangerous situation (Didn't she have a nanny or friend with whom she could leave the baby?), exposing their lives? I reread the story several times, one of the reasons is because English is not my native language, but also because I realized that he wasn't his son and not being his son the reason he was there was because he was part of the deal. So that's where my final part comes from.

I thought about the selfish part of the human being. The part that forces us to survive, the part that screams "Run!". But I suppose that at some point, the actions or decisions that one takes in life, sooner or later, will come to torment us. Therefore, she could not leave the child at the mercy of the bad guys

A very interesting story

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Psst!!!!~ USE THE WORD "THEIR" INSTEAD! IT'S GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT AND REFERS TO BEINGS OF UNKNOWN GENDERS! PECK WHATEVER YER ENGLISH TEACHER TOLD YAH, HISTORY, LANGUAGE AND MODERN SOCIETY ARE ON YER SIDE! VIVA LA @bananafish! (Sí, es: @bananafish. No es: @banafish...)

Why, an empty road it is rather splendid for the dark night of a very dark and, yet not so but maybe so, macabre prompt. Oh it tickles the jester in me to see this. Ho! It is a sight to preemptively hint at what we shall see, methinks it so at least!

La filosofía: A return of the consciousness after being interrogated round after round by the unconsciousness. Told it had sinned and sinned it did! Why a sinner's sinner so sneered the unconsciousness. It told all the little things that it knew the consciousness couldn't bear, knowing that it wouldn't want to be made whole with that hole in its life. So the consciousness returned to the forefront and leaped into action; determined to no more be tormented by the unconsciousness for the wrong-doing it had made! Chasing a chasing! Skirting the edges and making sure to chase the entire van alright and making sure it was disabled alright. And before I sound like a broken record with the word "alright," may I say it was alright for her to finally realize it at the last moment and chase the baby. Truly, a mother that cares and accepts that the problem of the baby is not only the baby's and crook's problem but equally hers as well! Brave, what a brave lassie! Hey ho to the one that let her consciousness act on her unconscious desires! Ha hargh!

La forma: Why I love the Tell that courses about the stream of the post, I can feel it ooze unto my skin and melt me away to a Gay goop. For thou hast (you have) done a Dialectical achievement in this post to unite Show and Tell together. The unity of telling when appropriate and showing when the World needs to see the action itself to know we are moving! I see your jester abilities grow upon the World, so embrace the Chaos and Order of telling a story! I see your English becoming perfected that I cannot tell from translation of a bot to a human, the differences collapsing! Even the human error as @gaby-crb pointed out is present with the spelling mistake, thou art (you are) truly growing! So keep on a marching and keep on a posting! Let's go and make more stories!!!!~

Otro super comentario de mi recientemente apreciada @theironfelix (me da la impresión de que eres chica , pero no tengo la menor idea jajaja). Por cierto, tus pequeños tips sobre el idioma inglés me encantan!

Ok. Volvamos al inglés!

I already corrected the error of the name of the bananananafish account ...

If you knew that I had always asked myself when I should use "their", because the English language does not have gender like in Spanish. But thanks to you, I finally had an answer.

The dark road, I thought it was a good title because I wanted to make the reader understand several things, the path that Shannon was taking led to a dark, malicious, tormenting road. And in the end, this new path that she takes, even when it was literally dark, led her to an uncertain future but more in line with her own consciousness.

I like to know that even though English is not my native language, my stories are understood, that is, English speakers can understand what I want to communicate.

So keep on a marching and keep on a posting! Let's go and make more stories!!!!

YAY! Let's do it

De nada, de mi amigo (Bueno, me siento como una mujer ahora. ¡Gracias por el apoyo! ~UwU~). Y de nada para mi tips sobre el idoma inglés.

Well that's great~ and welcome again for the tip on the word "their" now!~

Auto-analysis of your ending, but still true for both of our views.

Welcome to the club and LET'S DO IT!!!!~

  ·  7 months ago (edited)

Nice. You really described her worry well. Almost to the point of why? And then you delivered the answer in an exciting moment of action!

Thanks!

It is correct, even when there was a struggle between good and evil within her (or perhaps the easy and right?), in the end, the best option prevailed both for the baby and for her conscience, even when it led her to an uncertain future.

What a plan! A crazy one that could have gotten everyone killed. Who wants to mess around with a mother like that?

That's right! A crazy one!

Thanks for passing by