To: All Employees who took part in Cyber- Monday Specials!
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Cyber-Monday Specials
Welcome to your new life as a cyborg. Some of your cyber-upgrades were subtle while others of you opted for the full body switcheroo, whatever the case you are now a cyborg. As you enjoy your first day as a half-machine, half-human amalgamation please remember these helpful tips:
Your inhuman strength and agility will help you mine blocks faster and more efficiently than ever before, however you should take extra precaution around those without augmentation as they cannot quickly dodge your spinning arm blades or the flames that you can now shoot from your chosen orifice. Take care not to dismember or crush your colleges with a handshake or during an interdepartmental brawl.
Call IT if you suffer from any ill effects, or cannot control or deactivate your robotic accouterment. I cannot stress this tip enough… we don’t want a repeat of last year’s Cyber-Monday (affectionately and horrifically known as Red Tuesday), do we Cindy from Accounting?
If you are having regrets about upgrading, remember there is no turning back and you signed a waiver Don’t take it out on HR… no one made you replace your legs with a rotating sphere because you saw the new Star Wars teaser last week and thought it looked super cool.
Your god has probably forsaken you because you have altered the sacred vessel that it created. Fear not! Block Corp Industries offers a number of company-sanctioned religions that accept the hulking monstrosity of twisted flesh and metal that you have become. Try the Technomages on Floor 🕳!
A promotion could be in store if you like keeping things safe, preforming strip searches, and eating doughnuts! That’s right, the security team is looking for a few good men, women, or genderless beings. Applicants with rockets for hands and x-ray eyeball enhancements will be given first priority during the interview process! Send an email or apply in person (or whatever you call yourself anymore) in sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basement 0
To all staff with machine components now occupying a greater percentage than your organic weak flesh body parts, please remember that you are no longer technically human. As such, you are no longer under the auspices of HR. Please direct all correspondence of maintenance to Plant Operations (even though are you are not a plant).
Live every day like it is your last! Although you have extended your life with any number of cutting-edge artificial organ replacements your squishy human brain will one day give up and you will die. Mine those blocks while you can.
Only you can mine the future!
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
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From the Email Archives of the BlockCorp Industries Servers:
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