Subject: FW: STEEMIT.COM buyout! Effective Immediately.
To: All Staff
Subject: FW: STEEMIT.COM BUYOUT! Effective Immediately.
Attached: Employee_Retention.docx
Good Morning,
Please see the urgent message below from Mrs. Fitzgibbons.
If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or your human resources department in the next 2 minutes and 50 seconds. Also you can direct your questions to: https://steemit.com/blockcorp/@reneenouveau/blockcorp-industries-is-now-hiring-aka-how-to-play-the-game
Thanks!
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
a subsidiary of:
Mrs Fitzgibbons Home-Mined
Blocks and Duck Farm, Inc.
begin forwarded message
From: Jaundice Fitzgibbons, CEO
To: All Staff
Subject: STEEMIT.COM BUYOUT! Effective Immediately.
Attached: Employee_Retention.docx
All Staff,
We are pleased to announce the finalization of our acquisition of Steemit.com and the formation of BlockCorp Industries. Steemit was a social media platform where everyone gets paid for creating and curating content. It formerly leveraged a robust digital points system, called Steem that supported real value for digital rewards through market price discovery and liquidity. I don’t approve of such frivolousness so we are turning it into an email server for BlockCorp Industries. BlockCorp will synergize the traditional methods of block-mining with the limitless possibilities of tomorrow.
The merger combines the strengths of Steemit and Mrs. Fitzgibbons Home-Mined Blocks and Duck Farm, Inc by leveraging Steemit’s robust network resources and our local industry experience, and fine management practices. In order to facilitate our solid and successful operation Steemit.com’s website and all assets will be dissolved. BlockCorp will continue my life’s work of bringing quality blocks to market, however I will be stepping down as CEO immediately. My successor has been decided upon and the news will be made public shortly to the employees we choose to retain. This announcement will take place after the old board of directors returns from their tropical vacation.
All employees not on the attached document “Employee_Retention.docx, file, you have 3 minutes to remove your personal effects and make your way to the lobby. If you fail to comply you will escorted by security to your own tropical vacation, of sorts.
Warmly,
Mrs. Jaundice Fitzgibbons, CEO
Mrs Fitzgibbons Home-Mined
Blocks and Duck Farm, Inc.
ʞɔoןq ʞɔnp
To: Q. Anomaly @quantumanomoly
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Bot wrangling
Q,
The Virtual Growth bot was not transferred over to the new AI control programs. Do you a master password. I cannot have duck blocks being replicated all day outside my office. The quacking is making phone calls difficult otherwise I would have given you a call.
Please let me know!
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
Lost my phone in the woods and I tripped over this newspaper. Maybe it will help someone stand under something!
To: Renee Nouveau
From: Guy From Maintenance Closet 6B
Subject: HELP?
Does this apply to me too? I just live here... in the closet.
The broom here wants to know if he's included too.
Thanks.
-GFMC6B
To: Guy @voltarius
CC: Security
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: HELP?
Of course, it does. I'm sending someone to collect the past rent on that unit. Brooms are extra.
Good luck,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: @reneenouveau
From: GFMC6B
Subject: Re:Re:HELP?
Wait, there's rent for maintenance closets? I was never informed of this when a signed my Maintenance Closet Rental Agreement. It only said not to pee in the closet. Please don't make me live in the parking lot, it gets cold out there and it's hard to sleep when people drive around like it's some kind of... parking lot.
-GFMC6B
To: Guy @voltarius
CC: Silvia Y Kochica
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Re: Re: HELP?
Attached: Application.docx
Guy,
Having you live in the parking lot is just asking for a hike in our insurance. Please see the attached application for employment. We do have several vacancies currently available. What is your background?
Good luck,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
Rofl! Guess it's a good time to clean out my desk.
To: Silvia Y. Kochica
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: ROFL!
Oh Silvia, you old tease. Of course you're not fired. I've been meaning to congradulate you on your promotion. Now that you're BlockCorps' new HR Director, does that mean we have to stop sexually harassing the interns?
Lemme know, cause I've got my eye on a few of them!
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
Woohoo! And sexually harassing interns are only allowed if they are robots.
As director of interdimensional technoligies (IT) we would like an immediate review of the sexual harassment policies regarding autonomous lifeforms. We also request immediate sensitivity training for all employees regarding the use of defamatory terms such as robot and bot.
I spoke with the legal department who informed me that all fully mechanical, non-sentient employees must henceforth be referred to as humanly challenged instead of robot or bot.
To: Silvia Y. Kochica @sykochica
CC: Q. Anomaly @quantumanomaly
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Re: Re: ROFL
We have to be careful with the "humanly challenged" verbage. Remember, we have pre and post human employees as well. Calling a pre-human employee humanly challenged could get us into hot water.
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
ɟo ʇuǝɯɹǝpuoʍ ןɐıʇɹɐd ɐ ǝʌɐɥ ʎɐɯ noʎ uǝzop oʍʇ ʎןɹɐǝu ɟo ʇno suoısuǝɯıp ʎuɐɯ ʍoɥ oʇ ʎɹınbuı ʇoq
@ʇoq
Email header bot 4@x0r, corrput, & lost & FOUND!
Re: humanly challenged being herein legally known as bot...
@ʇoq
lmao
To: Stu Anarachyhasnogods
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Your new position at BlockCorp!
Dear Mr. Anarachyhasnogods (what is that german, swiss?)
I find your name on the Employee_Retention Document sent out by the generous and ever-correct Mrs. Fitzgibbons. I see here that you're a plant operations manager. Do you manage many plants? I have one in my office that could use a trim. Why don't you stop by and check it out and we can discuss your new position here at BlockCorp Industries.
Thanks,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
Yes I do I grow poison ivy and nettles for pranks to put on doors instead of locks
To: Stu Anarachyhasnogods
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Re: Your new position at BlockCorp!
Stu,
That's great! You know we are having a little plant related issue in the Bio-lab right now. Security is having a bit of a problem in getting to the root of the problem. I don't want to leaf out Plant Ops in this delicate matter. Perhaps, you could pop over and check things out.
Thanks,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
Ahahaha, this made my day!
To: Imogene Xanoxt
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Your new position at BlockCorp!
Dear Miss Xanoxt,
I'm glad you're enjoying your transfer to BlockCorp Industries. You were the finest of all the ladies who worked in the cafeteria. I always liked the way you made your macaroni and cheese with just the right about of cheese. Your new position is only part time. You will work from 1:00am - 1:45am on Wendesday and 7:15pm to 7:16pm on Flornday. If you have any issues with the new timesheet software, don't hestitate to contact technical support.
I'm looking forward to Macaroni and Cheese Florndays, once again!
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: Domingo Kryptik @kryptik
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Job Roles
Domingo,
That's a great question. All of our duties are shifting based on the new organization structure outlined in the linked file: F:blockcorp/topsecret/orgchart.pdf
Your position as Chief Antagonist to Mrs. Fitzgibbons is of course, being dissolved with her retirement. In order to maximize your unique skill set I see you've been reassigned to atagonize the entire middle management in our Kentucky Branch. Although this position will be a lot more work unfortunately we can't increase your hours or rate of pay at this time.
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: Renee Nouveau
From: Domingo Kryptik
Subject: Quick Question
Renee,
Does this have anything to do with the office plants?
How many times do I have to tell you people that I didn't piss on Fred's stupid little bonzai tree?! Jesus.
I suspect who you really should be mad at is Brenda. Brenda and her fucking "she-wee". Seriously does anyone like that lady? Always galavanting around, telling everyone how to do their jobs. I don't tell her how to sit around and stare out the window or look up cat memes all day.
Anyway, I'll be in the break area "repurposing" lunches as I forgot mine.
Have a good day!
Domingo Kryptik
Senior Vice Antagonist
To: Domingo Kryptik @kryptik
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Quick Question
Domingo,
Well, your email was more of an incoherent rant than a question. This is the first I've heard of the bonsai incident. Bonsai trees are culturally insensitive plants and are restricted from all but our Tokyo offices. Fred has been made redundant in the merger with Steemit.com, but be sure to have Stu Anarchyhasnogods to go and check to make sure this illegal tree has been properly destroyed.
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
KALLISTI!
To: Al C. Hemage
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Subject: Re: FW: STEEMIT.COM buyout! Effective Immediately
Mr. Hemage,
I regret to inform you that they position of H́e͕͓̳͡a̦̻̭͖͓̜̹ͩ̅̐̋̆̆d͚̙̜̣̩̼̍̄̂͌̅̐̅ ͉̫̼̩͙͒̊W̸̦̱į͎̪͖̼̬̝ͪ́̾z̾a̞ͪ̉͗ͣr̶͔̘ͩd̺̝̪̒͑͒͐ͬ̑ was filled months ago. Perhaps you can try down the street at the other imaginary corporation.
Best of Luck,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: Renee Nouveau
From: POPE Hemage
Subject: Subject: Re: Re: FW: STEEMIT.COM buyout! Effective Immediately
Mrs. Nouveau,
We appreciate your participation in this random survey. Your results will be tallied with an abacus and added to the compost. Again, we appreciate your cooperation!
Hail Eris!
Pope Episkipo Hemage
Loser of Found Souls
Erisian Ataxia Troupe
Just one question...
To: Devorah Iedev @deviedev
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Spaghetti Policy
Dev,
I hope you're getting settled into your new office. Remember that all terminated employee possessions are on a first come, first serve basis. I already scored a new comfy chair and a shiny stapler!
I'm glad they made the decision to keep one our best Intellecutal Property Lawyers on board.
Regarding your Spaghetti Question. We totally respect all pasta-based foods, except for Pastafarians and CopyPasta. I hope that answers your questions!
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: Renee Nouveau
From: Stephen Polsky
Subject: My previous position
My previous position was a division we called "Unknown", for mystery and lulz. Who knows what went on in there? Nobody knew. Well, except me of course. But I couldn't be held accountable for what may or may not have gone on in that department, so there isn't very much reason for me to tell anyone, is there? Is there a position I'll be able to secure within BlockCore Industries, that will match my unique skill set?
Thanks,
Stephen Polsky
Unknown Division of the
Exceeding Excellence Department
To: Stephen Polsky @shneakysquirrel
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: My previous position
Stephen,
Thank you for checking in. Mrs. Fitsgibbons was not a fan of the lulz, as we all know. The great lulz layoff of 2014 was a great loss to the company as a whole, I'm glad you managed to stick it out in the sub-sub-sub-basement. BlockCorp Industries will strive to be a more lulz-inclusive environment and the position of Head Wizard of the [REDACTED] Department.
Your new office is in the sub-sub-basement.
Please try to make the departmental meeting next Flornday, September 1.5, 2016 at 10am to discuss the new responsibilities of your role.
Best wishes,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
Trying to get my keyboard back. Will Reply soon.
To: Albert L. Ifton
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Your termination.
Dear Mr. Ifton
Regretfully, I don't see your name on the Employee Retention document so I can only assume that you are still in your office. Stay there. Tell me about your day. What are you plant's names? Security is most certainly no on the way.
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
Dear Ms. Nouveau,
I would format my reply as is standard to corporate policy but my plants are also here as well, please send help. Sending security promptly would be much appreciated. I could not leave my office even if he let me go.
His name is Seymour since you asked, and the bio-lab if able should please send someone to get him back under control. As much as I love him, he's refusing to let go and he already ate my Dentist.
Sincerely,
Albert L. Ifton.
Temporary Hire
Biological Research Internship Program
To: Albert L. Ifton @alifton
CC: Silvia Y. Kochica @sykochica
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: FW: Your termination.
Mr. Ifton,
Sit tight, there may have been an error on our end. I'm Cc'ing Silvia in HR to see if there was a mistake about your termination. Silvia, can you check if there is a Seymour Ifton in the database? You know how these data entry errors can happen with those monkeys in the typing pool! There is some flexibility around keeping key staff members in the R&D division.
Let me know!
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division