A Message from your New BlockCorp Industries CEO!
To: All Staff
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: A Message from your New BlockCorp Industries CEO!
Good morning,
While you were enjoying your rest and recuperation time with your family and friends, our new board has been instated. I ordered pizza for lunch thinking it was going to be a long process, but they quickly came to a unanimous decision. In fact they didn't talk at all, and merely stared at one another for some time. Although unsettling, it makes taking minutes during these meetings very easy. This left me plenty of time to think about if I'd ordered enough pizza and if any of them were vegetarians. Before I was able to finish that thought, they all stood simultaneously, swiveled stoically to face me. With eyes rolled back in their head they opened their mouths and in unison uttered a single name!
For some reason I can't remember that name, but I know they picked someone! When, I woke up I found the boardroom empty and the pizzas untouched. It might seem odd to have an anonymous CEO, but we all need to hunker down and do what is best for BlockCorp and leave our expectations at the door!
Please see the forwarded message from our new CEO below.
Also there are a lot of pizzas in the break room on the 13th floor. Help yourself! YAY PIZZA!
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
begin forwarded message
To: All Staff
From: Anonymous Sender
Subject: A Blank
S͕͎̘t̷̝̘e̺e̷̝̳̼͎͕̦mi̧̠͙̻̻t̵̰̤̗ ͎̼͓̼̖͕̠͡i̖̪̻̖̙̠̕s̢̖ ͝n͇͡o̗̰̠̹͚̱ ̷̖͎̞̼͍̻͖m̹̯͕̥ͅo̪̝̞͜r̩̬̥̮̜̬̙͟è̫̲̥̳ͅ.̺͢ ̸̯̰O̡̺̲͎̪n̛̠͚͖͈̝̰͉l͈̗͕̲͍y͏̣͈͇̩͎͈̫ ̷͔̮͈B̭͕̫͎̻̣͢l҉̟̠̪͈͍o͙̼͈͕͖c̷̹̤̳̖͎͔ͅk̀C̗̬ọ͢r͚̘̬̹̭̟p̮.̙ ̧̺Bl̵̻̰̣͖͇̙͎o̢̳̺͙͔ć̝k͉C̨̤̙̱o̮̱rp̫̭̜̺̥̠̕ ̺̣F͏͚̭̭o͇r̠̞̙̪͍̳̰e̱̙̭̳̯̬̭v̴̼͍̺͕e̞r̗͙̝̪̣̼̳
̠̭͢M̛̼̰̩̜̙i̸͕̠̻̹̰̥né͉̣̻͙̖̹̱.̪̦͖̮̤́ ̦̼͓̳M̢̳̟̜̲̺ị̘n̝̘̝͝e̴̬̥̖̝͔̼ ̵̝͉̖̤̺̰̜F͏̙a̖͍̞̰͕̼͎śt̲er̰̹͖̥̦̦̀.̜ ̷̭̗̖̠͕T́h̢̩̳͚e͈ ̥̻̗̮̮̳͖B̶͇͓̯͚̻l̹̤͙̭o͓͘c̴̞͚̰̹k̴͍s̖͇̣ ̩̠̜͍mṳ̳̤s̼̟̤͚͠ͅt ̼̳̝̹̙͟b̡̟e̩̟̯̟͈̝ ̨͍͍̭̟͚m̤̬̤̠̫̣̀i͈̪͈̲n̶̳̲͈̤̝ḛ͡d̺͈̘͉͙͓͘ ͍͍͘so̞̞̣̞̠̗o̡̫̮͙̰̹̭ͅn͙͍̰͎̭͍ͅ.̛̤̺͖͔ ̲̩͓̥̖͎N̯̥̯̞̻͘o̪̖͈ e̞̫̰x͝c̖͓̘ṵ̣̘̪̭͓͖ș̜͉̯̤͓̯e̴̤̮s͚̳.̗̝̟̱̳̱͙
end of message
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Replay All
From: the bot
Subject: (empty subject)
The bot found this email in the trash and was wondering if the bot could get credit for it. Initially the bot was searching for directions on how to eat the pizza and thought maybe someone had thrown them away.
P. S. Your bot is covered in pizza...
WARNING: F:/ReplayAll.exe is running in the background
Grumpy IT Manager Log 20160829.
Notice to other IT Specialists.
These vacant staring slackjaws are in their freaking meeting..... again. I know the work can be mind numbing at times. But you'd think they'd be able to stay awake. If you get another request for a broken keyboard. Take a pic of the keys on their foreheads and send to me. I'm keeping a collection.
Another reminder. Please remember to not berate the users for their stupidity. Always say there's a code ID10T or it's a P.E.B.K.A.C issue.
And btw. To the network guys. Putting in that network tap and running it through the https proxy was a stroke of genius. We have so many snapchat pics now we're going to need another NAS box to store them all.
PS. Don't touch the pizza in the conference room. The chick in accounting has genital warts.
#BlockCorp
To: Mr Grey (IT Manager) @grey580
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Email issues
Dear Mr. Grey,
We are having multiple email issues across the network. It's as if they are being directed to random or seemingly random recipients as well as to whom they were intended. For the time being the board has requested that Q. Anomaly route all emails through Jan in accounting so she can print them out and distribute them by hand. She is crying, I think you should go apologize. Or at the very least Snapchat some cat memes her way.
There is clean executive pizza in the executive lounge available for management omega or higher. The caviar and gold leaf pizza is exquisite.
P.S. Thank you for the warning! I'll have Jan transferred to the Florida branch in the morning.
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: Mr Grey (IT Manager) @grey580
CC: Renee Nouveau @reneenouveau
From: Q. Anomaly
Subject: Email issues
This is what we get for having blended acronyms. When you ask OUR IT department (The Interdimensional Technologies firm), we fulfill requests OUR way. When you said "route the emails through Jan" we did as we are told, and Jan is now a physical router that sends and receives transdimensional traffic. Though I originally thought to question if she was mentally capable of dealing with the entirety of several universes worth of data going through every molecule of her body, I remembered that I should not question the requests that come by my desk, merely fulfill them.
If you want REGULAR IT stuff done, please make sure you CC the correct department. And could someone sort out these acronyms? Mind you, seeing as we have access to the timespace continuum, we have gone back in time to ensure that ours was coined first as the proper way to use and describe our department.
Also, I dont know what to do about Jan. She's catatonic, but her port forwarding is still working, so uh...win win?
Q. Anomaly
Head of Interdimensional Technology (IT)
To: Q. Anomoly
CC: Renee Nouveau @reneenouveau
From: (IT Manager) grey580
Subject: re: Email Issues
Hello Q,
Please in the future consult with me before doing any Quantum IT work on the staff. The standard switches in the office do not support Quantum Flesh Interfaces. And if you used a Quantum Entangled Modem to connect her to the main trunks. Then we've gone over budget for the month.
Rene we will need to setup a meeting to discuss budget.... again. This is the third time this quarter. And we have to deal with Jan. I think we'll have to get some sort of skilled nurse to come and care for her. Plus we may have to install her into the datacenter. Using her to handle email is like using a bazooka to kill cockroaches. We can use her as a NOSQL database to handle long running queries.
I guess we've solved Jan's relocation problem and our database issue.
To: Mr Grey (IT Manager) @grey580
CC: Q. Anomaly @quantomanomaly
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: re: re: Email Issues
All,
I'm not your bloody admin, Grey. That's what interns are for. However, since I'm already reserving conference room "Pikachu" on floor 7 for a 9:30 meeting in order to rename the conference rooms. Why don't you swing by at 11 to discuss budget.
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: @reneenouveau
From: grey580
Hello Rene,
After reviewing email headers we've tracked down the issue to VP of Marketing Haywood Jablome.
It would seem that his goat play obsession has put malware on his pc..... again. Truly a P.E.B.K.A.C. issue.
IT will be launching his PC from the roof.... again into the lake with the fountain. Using Williams Trebuchet. Please send an invite to all omega management. Last time a few were left out and I had complaints on the following Monday.
BTW a few of the other IT Specialists have gotten drones and will be attaching roman candles to them. We plan on dousing the pc with lighter fluid and are hoping to light the pc with the drones. The fireball shall be spectacular.
HR has planned to cater the event and has come up with the genius idea of putting this down as a "team building exercise". So we can write this off.
I've also spoken to HR about Jan. We've decided to give her some untainted pizza and gave her streaming access to IT's private media server to watch during lunch. She's on episode 9 of season 3 #GoT #redwedding. She's stopped crying.... for now.
#blockcorp
cc: [hidden]
to: All Staff
from: Carl
Be aware of "Emaginta DNA-let". Some blocks were discovered by the bot that originated from New York and Boulder, CO. Decryption was attempted but the blocks were found to be corrupt. Hopefully more informative blocks may be found in the future.
If such blocks are found please forward any information to me so that I may pass it along. Thank you and hope everyone enjoyed the pizza.
Pizza!
To: Brian P. Hobos @brianphobos
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: re: Pizza
Brian,
It's dangerous for you to be wandering around, using the grownup computers. You are our lead Intern in the Shirtless Intern Department and your job is very important. You should go back to the lobby and continue dancing. If you are a good intern, you'll get pizza and ice cream when we go to the pool later.
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
NOM, NOM, NOM..... I like pizza
You vote for me so I vote for you :-)
Thanks
To: Ichabod L. Logic @logic
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Voting
You bring up a good point, Ichabod. I think you should come to the meeting tomorrow at 9:30 in conference room Pikachu on Floor 7. It's a meeting that is sure to involve a lot of voting as we decide what to rename the conference rooms.
Thanks,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division