Subject: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
To: Security Staff
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
To whom it may concern,
My morning security search was very forceful today, I recommend sensitivity training for all security personnel on the south entrance.
Please see the attached CCTV footage regarding the incident.
Also, does anyone have the number for the security guard from the south entrance... I think his name was Clint?
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
This looks so mysterious :P
To: Steven E. Mitqua
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Dear Steven,
What is mysterious is how vigorously they search you before entering the building but never upon leaving. Don't they know people steal office supplies!
What are they afraid I'm bringing in?!
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: Renee Nouveau
From: Domingo Kryptik
Subject: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Renee,
That was me.
I couldn't find the maintenance man and decided to fix a paper jam on the copy machine with my brand new hatchet. There may have been some confusion as no one can hear me through my new ski mask. Some one is getting a 1 star review on Amazon.
But isn't this thing cool? It does everything. I can chop down trees, fix copiers, and spay small neighborhood animals.
If you're interested Bill from accounting and I are doing a meetup group. We have plenty of extra hatchets lying around. In a typical meeting we watch about 30 minutes of Roadhouse to get pumped up, and talk about how hatchets are going to change the world. We are the only members so far but I really think it'll take off soon. Get in before it's hot!
Speaking of temperature, did you see that I was wearing a hoodie in this picture? What is the thermostat set at? I blame Brenda. She is trying to freeze me out. How many times do I have to explain that I didn't piss on her bonsai tree? I even offered to prune it with my hatchet. That lady is ridiculous.
Have a great day!
Domingo Kryptik
Senior Vice Antagonist
To: Domingo Kryptik
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Mr. Kryptik,
Thank you for pointing out that I attached the wrong CCTV link to my email.
Here is the correct link:
Regarding your hatchet. Did security allow you to enter the building with a hatchet? They confiscated my underpants, several hair ties from my purse, and my personal toilet tissue. I can't imagine how those things ended up on the f͏͍̺o̻̙͔͙̫̪͘r͏͕̜ͅb̻̭̪͙̝̣͠i̴̭͕͎d̵̲͓͈̤͕͙̝ḓ̶͍̣̰̬e̘̻̮̕ǹ͈͖̳̖̱̤̠ ͜i͟t͏͎̥͚ͅe̖m͏͍̪͙̭͚͙̦s̠̟̳̱̭̳̱̯͞ List, while things like hatchets and small animals are fine to bring into the workplace.
I will bring it up in the next departmental meeting.
Happy Chopping,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: Renee Nouveau
From: Domingo Kryptik
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Renee,
There is nothing dangerous about a hatchet. Like my great grandmother told me in our "birds and the bees" talk, "It's about how you use it". More people get killed by hair ties, personal tissue, underwear, and excessive dandelion consumption each year than by hatchets. Aren't these issues what we should really be looking at?
I think Brenda may have already corrupted your mind with her anti-hatchet propaganda.
About your things: they will be returned. Clint is a good guy. He has completely reformed since the last incident. In fact I stopped in to say hello, and he was diligently sniffing your underwear for bombs. He said he was worried about your safety, that's all. Don't be alarmed!
Have a great day,
Doming Kryptik
Senior Vice Antagonist
To: Domingo Kryptik
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Mr. Kryptik,
We are getting off topic. The real issue is that I don't think a mammogram and a full cavity search are necessary upon entering the building... and certainly not staff at Management Level Ω and higher.
Please forward my contact information to Clint. I may have some other contraband material at home that needs to be collected.
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
Went into the side office to look up his name because I couldn't remember. And, well, it doesn't look good...
Source: deviantart.com
cc: security
To: renee, [All Staff]
From: Security Dept.
It appears that during the robbery the colored block stem collection got knocked over. Some of you may have recalled my duck blocks or others around our office building(s). Well somehow some invisible blocks were dropped into one of my posts and websites. I had no idea someone could add an alpha color channel! Now I can't see any of these blocks. But my toy guyzer counter picked up a reading on one of my darioactive blocks not to be confused with radioactive. So no worries, we do not have to have a radioactive fire drill today.
And if anyone sees any of my colored calculators I would like them back. Security keeps taking them and telling me they'll give them back to me tomorrow because they misplaced them again and again. Perhaps they are under the underwear they have taken from many of the workers too. Can we hire a guard that doesn't collect underwear maybe. Maybe that could be an idea!
Virtualgrowth's lost BCI Block Corps. miners and colored block hunt