Allyship Sunday: Mental Illness and Suicide
Okay, this one comes with a serious content warning. I'm going to be talking about suicidal ideation, mental illness and disease. The focus is what we can do to help as allies. This isn't going to be a happy one. Buckle up, this is Allyship Sunday.
First, a note: I am not a mental health professional. I am someone who has dealt with mental health issues in myself, and others close to me. This advice is aimed at people who have folks with mental health issues in their lives, or in their social media and regular social spheres.
In the past week, an icon in fashion and an icon in food and travel have taken their own lives. Both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain seemed to have it all: money, success, admiration. Their lives seemed elevated. But here's the thing about depression and other mental illnesses: They don't care how life seems.
I've had a pretty good life so far. I have a long term partner with whom I share love and companionship and support. We live in a pretty nice place. My close family is made up of really great people. I have good friends. I have the career I've always dreamed of having.
I've also had thoughts of suicide at multiple points in my life.
I've spoken before about anxiety being my constant companion and neverending struggle, and that has certainly been the case. But anxiety's best pal, depression, is always hovering around. Waiting for a crisis to pounce on. And I'm fairly lucky. My depression is acute. It needs a reason, and it goes away - unlike my anxiety. But for many, depression is the constant companion and never ending struggle.
My mom is a psychiatrist. And once, in a conversation about depression she told me about a patient of hers who suffered from the depression. This patient took ill with cancer. When my mom visited her in the hospital, and asked how she was, the patient smiled a glowing, genuine smile, and said "I'm not depressed!" For her, cancer, the very worst thing for most people, was a respite.
All of this is to say, that depression is awful and terrible and really no good at all. Which I would wager you knew already. But how should friends and allies behave?
Let's start with a negative example. A person close to me suffered from a deep depression some years ago. In their depression, they often cancelled social plans. They had a friend who was a funtime, let's go out kinda friend. That friend was angry and disappointed at the person close to me. Let me tell you right now: Telling people who are depressed that they're being a bummer? That they shouldn't let their depression stop them from having fun times with you? That is both selfish and unhelpful. People who are depressed aren't lazy. They are in deep and abiding pain.
Don't be this person
Often, when people take their own lives, the question is "why didn't they tell anyone?" Well, they didn't tell anyone because depression is often actively engaged in stopping that. It tells you you'll just bum people out. It tells you you'll scare people away. This person who is close to me, for instance, didn't tell me about their depression for a long time, because they thought I would bail.
Now, if someone does tell you, you should listen. You should ask what they need. You can gently prod them towards therapy. Be very, very careful of being "helpy." Chances are, they know more about their depression than you do. Ask them what they want. Ask them what they need. Try to be helpful. But also? Protect yourself. This is for both you and the person with the mental health issue. Because if you run out of spoons, you won't be able to help. And they'll add guilt for emptying your reservoir and add that to their inner "why I'm awful" catalog.
But the tricky thing is those who won't tell you. Who won't send cries for help. Be observant. Be a friend. Ask if everything's okay. Express concern and love. Say that you're there to listen, but only if you mean it. Few things are as hurtful as someone who says "I'll be there for you," and then lurches away once that need is expressed.
Most of all, be kind.
Related posts:
Feminism Sunday: Feckless C-Word
Allyship Sunday: Crooked Media Is Doing It Right
Feminism Sunday: Male Feminist Predators
Allyship Sunday: Intent Isn't Magic
Feminism Sunday: Talkin' bout a Women's Revolution
Allyship Sunday: Representation Matters
Feminism Sunday: Male Savior Thoughts Following A Comics Contest
Allyship Sunday: Allyship Is Not Conditional
Feminism Sunday: It's Not About The Sisterhood
Allyship Sunday: Ally Is A Verb
Feminism Sunday: Splaining
Allyship Sunday: Stay In Your Lane
Feminism Sunday Redux
Feminism Sunday: Should It Continue?
Feminism Sunday: Feminists on the Blockchain
Feminism Sunday: Feminism 101, With GIFs!
On White Feminism
I Don't Want Ally Cookies
You Are Not An Alpha
Let's talk intersectionality
I love you. I don't tell you enough how much.
Also, that last gif? "Someone" used it in the official conduct policy chapter in the team handbook at Utopian.io. Someone. :)
Someone sure is awesome!
Thank you for this post. I appreciate you so much.
One thing that I think is underestimated about people who seem to "have it all" but commit suicide is that being very successful when you suffer from constant depression can actually make things a lot worse. Speaking from experience, some of my most depressed moments have been when things seem to be going best for me. On a biological level, humans have an inherent need to strive for more and be more than they are. When you've "made it" and it feels like there's nothing more to make (whether or not that's the case), that can be a very lonely and empty feeling. I've had episodes of depression that look fairly "traditional" in that it's hard to get out of bed and do the basic things to take care of myself, but sometimes I am able to channel those feelings into hyper-productivity, maybe even to a self destructive extent, just to drown out all of what is happening internally and to prove something to myself. When you have all of the money and adoration and success in the world, and you still go home at night and in the quiet all you can think about is how much you don't want to be alive, that can be deadly.
I know a lot of these feelings from anxiety, where the worst of it can be either paralyzing or a spur for hyper concentration. Sending good thoughts.
<3 This piece is important and very well written. Many people don't get what a depression is about, but indeed, asking what they need is the most important thing one can do.
Thanks for sharing this. I think it is so important for us to speak about what has helped us. The more strategies we have, the better, and of course it is very important for us to know how to be a friend. It's incredibly hard to understand when you haven't gone through it, so education like this is crucial. Thanks. It is very appreciated.
Great insights!
Thanks to @seyiodus, this post was resteemed and highlighted in today's edition of The Daily Sneak.
Thank you for your efforts to create quality content!
Yes, depression is serious. This advises are so helpful for both parties involve.