Allyship Sunday: Stay In Your Lane

As previously announced, I'll be alternating Feminism Sunday and Allyship Sunday going forward. This is the first one of the latter.

Today I want to discuss one of the most important facets of allyship, which is staying in your lane. A lot of this will touch on similar points to my post about intersectionality because I'm taking an intersectional view of allyship. To paraphrase Flavia Dzodan, my allyship will be intersectional or it will be bullshit.

But first, I want to say what being an ally is, and what it isn't, at the most basic level.

I identify as a feminist, because by the most commonly accepted definition of feminism, I am one. But the feminist struggle is not primarily about me. Therefore, my place in the feminist struggle is as an ally, someone who supports the cause, who has adopted the cause, but is not the primary beneficiary of the success of the cause. I'd argue men have plenty to gain from feminism's success, as patriarchy's narrow definition of manhood is harmful to us as well, but that is a secondary effect of oppressing women.

So I'm a feminist, and an ally in the feminist struggle. What does that mean? It means my role in this particular struggle is a support role. It can be a big support role, but it cannot be the leadership position. We call this "staying in one's lane."

So many lanes. Image by Ishan on Unsplash
Staying in your lane doesn't mean "shut up." You aren't being oppressed by not getting lead every struggle. And there are places where an ally can do stuff others can't. For example, if you're a dude, and you have dude friends, and they say sexist shit? It's your job to call them on their shit. That's on you. That's your lane.

But if you're a dude, and you see what you perceive as a flaw in a woman's feminism? Telling her so is almost never your job. Another woman will come along and handle that one.

And this is true along every axis of oppression. I have ADHD and anxiety, so if we're talking disability, I have a stake. But if we're talking physical disability? Not so much (although give my knees a few years). If you're a gay cis man? Probably not your place to call out a trans person's activism.

This is what is often misinterpreted as "oppression Olympics." If you're oppressed along multiple axes you have more of a stake in the struggle against those specific axes of oppression. It doesn't make you better or purer or superior. It means your everyday is harder in more ways, so you get to lead the fight to make those ways better.

Are there people who use their marginalization as a cover for bad behavior? Of course there are. There are people who will use anything as cover for bad behavior. But staying your lane means it is not your job to call them out. Trust me, someone else will. Someone whose lane it is.