NOTES #58 | The Angry Chair That Brought Me Here

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One thing that defines my late teenage years, and into early adulthood, was a profound sense of anger. I think this is typical of a lot of people as they go through these years. Trying to break free from a cage not of one's own creation, or feeling suffocated, and trying to come to terms with being a separate and defined individual can send the emotions into a tailspin. It certainly was that way for me.

One thing that clearly defines those late teenage years for me was music. Particularly a darker, angrier style of music. A type I rarely listen to these days (although I do revisit from time to time, but from a completely different perspective). There was one rock group that seemed to walk right into my life just at a time that I was failing to express my emotions the most. And anger is a difficult one to express, yet unexpressed it turns nasty, like an emotional cancer. I was always taught to never express anger, and about how wrong that is. So I held it close, and became afraid to let it out of my sight, in case it should break free and hurt someone. Perhaps even the people who planted the anger seed in the first place.

The band that reached through, and gave me an outlet was Alice In Chains. Their album Dirt was my bible for those days. Mostly hard, driving rock, one song in particular invited me in, and taught me, in a unspoken insular manner, just how to make peace with the anger. It was a song called Angry Chair.

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But ultimately the anger never had the opportunity to be thoroughly and religiously expunged. It never went anywhere. Music would be a therapeutic aid for periods of time, but I couldn't isolate myself from reality for every waking moment, and just soak up the sounds all day. So eventually it just became a stop gap fix. A band aid over the wound. And one day that band aid was ripped off completely. Was it when I was first told I had cancer? Probably not. I think I went into shock then. As much as it sounds too bizarre, I actually think I went into shock for five years from that point. Until the cancer treatment lead to a heart attack, and I found myself emerging from an emotional numbness. I got angry. I even expressed it. The problem that I woke to, was just who could I be angry at? Well I blamed certain people and cut contact for many years, but eventually that isolation hurt more than it helped, so I restored contact.

I actually don't know what changed over the years. But somehow my anger became more manageable. Perhaps it was because I learned to express it. Not very well, but that still beats not at all. My musical tastes changed over time. The Angry Chair became less inviting, although I still listen to more melodic songs from Alice In Chains that seem to match my emotions in a more useful manner.

I guess ultimately I got sick of the destruction that anger causes. I think it has a usefulness, but I wouldn't want to live my whole life there. I think I have already paid a price for living there as much as I have.

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My mindset has altered. Perhaps that is just what happens as you get over the teenage years and early adulthood. I'm not as frustrated by the seemingly pointlessness of so many things around me. When once things had to have meaning, now I have reached a point where the search for meaning takes more energy that I am willing to spend. I'd rather just live life, than try to find the hidden meaning or purpose in it. And as I come through this tunnel and emerge out the other side, I find my musical tastes also changing. I haven't ditched the old songs that inspired me, but perhaps incorporated new sounds and energies, such as this one that popped up one day several years ago on my Facebook feed. I was hooked instantly. It was honest, raw, energetic, passionate, hopeful, and a new antidote to my emotional roller coaster. If I was no longer going to sit on that angry chair, then I'd be more than happy to stand around the canals of some European city and soak in the French ambience.

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@naquoya

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Links to earlier works

- Fiction
My Fiction Writing Collection
Writing Myself Out of Existence
When the Levee Breaks
Reality Fading
Lessons Learned From a Dying Man - includes audio version.

Book Reviews
Ubik - Philip K Dick
The Switch - Elmore Leonard
A Glitch In The World - Alex Drozd
All The Light We Cannot See - Anthony Doerr
Where Epics Fail - Yahia Lababidi
Hellbent - Gregg Hurwitz
1Q84 - Haruki Murakami
Soon - Lois Murphy
The Girl Who Played With Fire - Stieg Larsson
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep - Philip K. Dick
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson
Altered Carbon - Richard Morgan
Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
Crooked God Machine - Autumn Christian

Audio Poetry
The Dance of Destiny and Fate
One Day, Just Not Today

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